[LNH] Killfile Wars #6
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Tue Aug 29 08:46:28 PDT 2006
Carolyn was the first one to exit the portal into the park with Electra
close behind. Electra raised her arm and began to throw sparks.
Carolyn turned as she heard the crackling sound. A bolt of lightning
jolted out. Before Carolyn could duck, Guy Redundant Man knocked
Electra to the ground.
"Electra, what the hell are you doing?" Carolyn asked.
"It's not me!" she shouted.
Angelica hopped out and got a quick overview of the area.
"I did a passive mind scan. Doctor Killfile was just here. I
can't get a read on where he went," she said.
Killfile Wars #6 of 6
For Evil to Triumph
By Jesse N. Willey
Screw You Over Lad watched the alarm klaxons go off. He had sent
Mordred out as a guard ten minutes ago. He knew his father. He knew
what he had done to Deliah. He had to expect the worst.
"If you do that," he muttered. "You can never be too
The wall to his left melted. Killfile stepped out of the whole and
stood next to him.
"You do know who taught you that... don't you son?" he said.
Lazlo nodded. He knew this was coming. It was just his bad luck.
Killfile blasted him. At that very moment, Lazlo was struck with an
idea. The blast changed course mid arc and blasted Killfile in the
foot, doing nothing.
"Clever boy, very clever. Glad to see at least one of The Three
Stooges in this outfit has a brain," Killfile said.
"Unfortunately my time in limbo has given me the concentration
necessary to inscribe my initials on an atom. Which is more than
A big piece of rubble impaled Killfile in the neck. A beaten and
stumbled through the door and fell through the ground. Lazlo smiled.
"Grandpapa does too much talking... not enough squashing," Mordred
Electra had calmed down. Rick was able to reach in his pocket to
grab his communication card. He scrolled down on the monitor and
pushed the transmit button. Nothing but a blank blue screen appeared.
"Larry, you getting this?" Rick said.
"Yeah..." he said. "My assignment is finished. Is it really
necessary to have Redundant Chick guarding me the whole time?"
"You're an ex-con. What do you think," Rick said.
"Right," he said. "One-way quarantine field around the Killfile
base is stable and holding. Coordinates are laid in to a hyperspatial
corridor that Killfile himself opened."
"All right then. Gang, let's get a move on," Rick said.
He gargled and screamed. His body shook. Killfile removed the hunk
of metal from his neck and let the healing factor kick in. Lazlo
knew he had one chance for survival. He tried turning into an energy
globe. He knew that would give the swiftness he needed to escape.
His body flickered into the globe for a second and then snapped back
into human form.
"What did you do? What the fuck did you do?" Lazlo shouted.
Killfile laughed. It was clear to him that Screw You Over Lad could
no longer leave this interdimensional complex. He walked to the
nearby control panels and rapidly tapped some keys.
"Life support disengaged," the computer said.
Killfile tried to access the hyperspatial corridor he came in on.
The doorway opened and he ran toward it. To his own surprise he
bounced off the mouth of the portal.
"It's some sort of subspace membrane. You'd need to know a lot
about the inner workings of the machine to do something like..." he
said to no one. "... Henkerton."
Lazlo took his shot, but not at Killfile but the sticky pools of
Mordred's blood on his boot. This caused Killfile to slip and fall
against the membrane again. The membrane began to burn Killfile's
skin. Killfile tried to blast Lazlo but the energy stopped coming.
He fidgeted with something in his pocket with the other hand.
"The more you struggle, the more air you use," Killfile said.
"Which means the sooner you'll die. It's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make," Screw You Over Lad said.
Lazlo caught a glimmer in his father's eye. He knew what it meant.
"You've done a good job, son. I'm proud of you, m'boy," he
said. "Go on. Go ahead... finish the job. Kill me."
A tear dripped down Lazlo's eye. Killfile leapt up and began to
strangle him. Lazlo began to grasping for breath. The membrane
began to crackle. Something was emerging from the portal.
The white car with A.A.S.N. in big red letters pulled up to the curb.
Dalton finished eating his chili dog. He grabbed his can root beer
and waited for the passenger door to open. When it eventually opened a
slender woman with long dreadlocks motioned him to enter. One lone
blue curl fell above her glasses.
"Wow, Crystal! Long time no hear from," he said.
"And who's fault is that?" she asked.
"I had things to take care of," he said.
He walked into the car, slammed the door and buckled in. She pulled
out and began to drive. She swerved in an out of traffic without
"Yeah, I know. Your actions these past few months have been far too
high profile. That's not good. Goes against everything you taught
me," she said. "You're just asking for trouble."
"I don't like it anymore than you do. I had to help somebody.
But that's all taken care of," he said.
She gave him a quick glance and put her eyes back on the road.
"Did you sleep with her?" Crystal asked.
"No," Dalton said.
"Feh... Like I believe that," Crystal said. "If you weren't
getting any... why do you seem so down?"
"Do you really think I'm completely incapable of helping someone
out of a bond based on compassion and mutual respect? I mean... you
and I traveled around for months and never..."
Electra knew she was supposed to stay in the park. The others walked
through the portal and off to face him. The fact that she couldn't
go enraged her. If anyone should stop him, it should be her.
"I've killed him once," she muttered. "I can do it again."
There was a mild tingling in her legs as they began to run. She had
already passed Angelica and Josh. She tried to fight it. She thought
her motions would be slow and mechanical. She thought it'd be
worse, like experiencing a seventy three hour labor condensed into
thirty second bursts. Of course since her pain receptors didn't work
so maybe it did.
"We all here?" Rick asked.
"Yes... unfortunately-all of you," Killfile said. Using the
stolen communication card he made Electra face Carolyn. "Electra...
Electra cringed. It wasn't too long ago she had craved to do just
that. Now... it would have been pointless. She had grown. Her
encounters with her future self had made her feel like her own person.
(See Flame Wars VI.)
"No... you sick bastard..." Electra snarled.
She was going to do it. Her hands were already warm with electricity.
As soon as the door opened to the Alien Abductee Support Network
safehouse, their bodies were already warm with electricity. Dalton
had already unbuttoned her blouse and it had taken her about two
seconds to remove his 'I Was Abducted by Aliens and all they gave me
was a lousy t-shirt' shirt and she was starting on his jeans. The
door opened and they went racing in. Passing the computer station,
she shoved him onto the couch.
"Are you sure we should..." he said.
"Are you afraid that God will..."
Dalton's head began to buzz. His voice changed to that a middle
aged man with a New England accent.
"This is Net.tropolis Homeland Security requesting help from U.S.
Army Medical Ship Henry Blake... stationed in Sig.ago harbor. What is
"Dalton- don't do this crap to me," she said.
"This Blake... we are ready to depart ASAP. At maximum speed we
should arrive in approximately 36 hours," Dalton said now sounding
like a young man from the Midwest. He then switched back to his real
voice. "I... I have to go."
"This is it Dalton. I can't put up with anymore of your
weirdness," she said.
He pulled his pants back up and then walked outside. He stopped by
the porch to retrieve his shirt and then got in the car.
The bolt leapt from Electra's hands toward Carolyn. For fraction
of a second she saw her reflection burning inside the lightning bolt.
A dark blur leapt in front of the bolt and the reflection vanished.
"Electra, what the hell are you doing?" Rick said.
"It's not me!" she shouted.
"You think this is funny?" Carolyn shouted.
"This is great... I don't think I've had this much fun
since..." he said his voice trailing off for a second. "... oh
yes... Caron and Marie."
Electra snarled in rage. Her hands were crackling with more energy
than she had ever felt before. Killfile smiled.
"Go on... unleash it!" Killfile said.
"No," she muttered.
"Sorry about this Electra," Rick said.
He slammed his super strong hands tightly against her ears. She
passed out and hit the floor. She immediately rose. Her eyes were
glazed over and she was still charged with energy.
"You really thought it would be that easy, didn't you?" Killfile
Dalton got in the car. He reached for the keys he had swiped from
Crystal. He bumped a credit card sized object. It was the
communication device Tyler had left him before he vanished to parts
unknown. Dalton's eyes went blank and his body began to quiver.
"Sorry about this Electra..." he said. "You really thought it
would be that easy, didn't you."
He jolted himself back to a more conscious state. Other sounds and
images flooded into his head. Information was coming at him almost
faster than he could take it in. He knew he had to stop Killfile's
signals from reaching Electra.
"Okay, if only I had a control mechanism like Killfile has.... Um
like that doohickey in my pocket. A more powerful transmitter would
be nice... Like the one in my head... oh yeah. It's been there so
long it's hardly noticeable. I keep forgetting it's there... in
spite of the fact that it kicked in just a second ago. All I need is
something to make the image come in cleaner... like an antennae... a
radio antennae would do it," Dalton said to himself. "What the
hell am I saying? I'm in a car... a little duct tape, a few paper
clips and few shakes of a lamb's tail is all I need."
Lazlo got as close to the membrane as he could. While Guy Redundant
Man deflected Electra's bolts, he took a quick recon of the room.
Angelica and Carolyn were adjusting the computers. Duplicator was
slowly sneaking up behind Doctor Killfile. Lazlo probed the membrane
getting a blast of feedback.
"Six on two... it seems a little one sided," Killfile said.
"I've taken on the whole LNH..."
"Like you keeping telling us over and over and over," Duplicator
said. The air around Killfile slowly began to vanish. "That was
about fifteen years ago... and you know what? You haven't done squat
Killfile readied his energy bolts and Electra shifted her attention
toward Duplicator. Her hands still blazed with energy. Lazlo twisted
probability around his father, just not enough that anyone would know.
"Electra... sick'em..." Killfile said.
"I-I" she said. "I put my right hand in, I put my right hand
out, I put my right hand in and I shake it all about..."
"What?!" Killfile shouted. "Some is overriding my..."
Killfile pushed buttons on his communication card, which did nothing.
He growled. Electra stepped closer to him as she danced the Hokey
"You put your right leg in, you put your right leg out, you put your
right leg in," Electra sang as she kicked Killfile in the balls and
then grabbed him by the lapels. "And you shake it all about. You
do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around."
Killfile was now facing Lazlo. Killfile's eyes went bloodshot.
He charged Screw You Over Lad. His oxygen supply was finally failing.
He stumbled to the ground. Screw You Over Lad said nothing.
"I am the great Killfile, I will not be beaten in such an
undignified way," Killfile said.
"Because we know what they do to villains who are beaten up by
dancers in prision," Duplicator said. "Though ya probably deserve
Killfile charged the energy membrane. He sucked in the energy.
With one quick motion the membrane shattered. Killfile was sent
adrift in hyperspace and air was blown out of the base.
"He's mine!" Lazlo said as he dove after him.
"No wait! You'll both be lost out there!" Rick shouted.
"Larry, reroute hyperspatial
corridor to default... STAT. It's time to come home."
It had been three days. Electra went strolling through the park. Her
legs ached. Rick said it was a side effect of the remote function
being activated. Pain was the only receptor to be reactivated. He
seemed surprised by this. She wasn't.
She found a nice spot behind a bench near a manmade pond and sat down.
She turned her back to a bush and whispered.
"Dalton, if you ever make me dance again, I'll kill you," she
"Damn, and I just got an invite to my sister's wedding," he said
as he dangled down from a nearby tree.
"Don't do that," Electra gasped.
"How'd you know I was here?"
"So... you enjoy talking to shrubbery?" he asked.
"Nevermind," she said. "I just wanted to say... thank you."
Rick stared at the computer screen. He was finally satisfied with the
results though he knew no one else was. With a few clicks he sent his
report to the LNH.
"So... what happened to Screw You Over Lad?" Larry asked.
"He eventually showed up in Reno... where he was held on some
outstanding parking violations till the Feds could pick him up," Rick
"I used to hate when locals did stuff like that to me," Larry
"Larry, you were a super villain for what... three days... that's
not the same as being a mass murderer," Rick said.
"True... true..." Larry responded. "So what happened to The
"I wish I knew..." Rick said. "I wish I knew."
Killfile exited the portal. He hit the water with a hard splash.
Bombed out ruins of Paris, Frankfurt, Tokyo, Montreal and a few others
were visible. Killfile looked on in confusion until he turned around.
In the distance he glimpsed a giant shattered remains of a giant
Plexiglas golf ball.
"What? What happened?" Killfile muttered. "Somehow the
corridor transported me through time as well. When am I? It
doesn't matter. This is just a minor set back. I can learn things
here... about technology... about the things that cause this... then...
I'll have something. Life serves you lemons... you poison everyone
with your lemon meringue pie. That's the Killfile way."
Carolyn and Electra created by Tom Russell Jnr. Rick Henkerton,
Joshua Chesterfield, Lazlo Alfred Killfile, Modred Killfile, Dalton
Asters, Crystal and The Magnificent Larry created by Jesse N. Willey.
Doctor Killfile is public domain.
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