LNH/ACRA: Master Blaster Special # 7: The Return of Ven-Dorr, the Final Chapter!

[Tom Russell]

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  THE RETURN OF VEN-DORR:
  THE FINAL CHAPTER!, or
      PART THREE!!!!
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||| ||| | | |||  |  ||| |  ||# 7

   "Hello, I'm Carl Shepherd with the Net.ropolis
News.  Tonight's top story, actor Mel Gibson was
pulled over for a DUI, where he allegedly let loose a
string of slurs.  Here's Boobies McBooberton with
more."
   "Boobies here," says the bosomy blonde.  "Last
year, Mel Gibson's film, THE PASSION OF THE ARMLESS
CHRIST, excited controversy when some accused it of
having an anti-arm slant.  As we all know, while
filming BRAVEFART, Gibson's arms and legs were cut off
by the English in retaliation.  The actor has used
alcohol as a painkiller ever since.
   "So severe is Gibson's problem with alcohol that he
was pulled over last night for drunk-driving.  Upon
seeing that the arresting officer had both arms
intact, the limbless superstar asked him if he was an
'armie'.  He went on to ask, 'Do you know that armies
are the cause of the all the wars in the world?'
   "The talk in Hollywood is damning.  It's a well
known fact that the most powerful people in Hollywood
do have arms.  This is Boobies McBooberton, signing
off."
   "Thanks, Boobies," says Shepherd.  "In other news,
Ven-Dorr, the Vending Machine That Rolls Like a Man,
is continuing-- URK!"
   Shepherd's corpse falls forward on the desk.  It is
blown away from the desk with three well-timed cans of
soda.  Ven-Dorr rolls into place in front of the
camera.
   "I am here to announce that the end is nigh!" says
the satanic soda machine.  "I have selected a winner
for the Oreo Oblivion Essay Contest, which means that
tonight, one lucky soul is going to consume the
Oreo-flavoured energy drink that negates all
existence!  And that lucky winner is..."
   "Not so fast!"  The camera whirls around to
reveal...
   "Mister Blaster!" says Ven-Dorr.
   "That's Master Blaster," says the Caesar of Cool,
cocking his improbably large gun.
   "You will kneel before Zod!" cries Ven-Dorr.
   "What?" says Master Blaster.
   Ven-Dorr unleashes a can of soda, knocking Master
Blaster's weapon out of his hand.  "Zod Hybrid Energy
Drink," explains the killer vending machine.  "It's
half energy drink, half Terrence Stamp."
   Master Blaster turned to see the old and wizened
English actor springing up from the can of soda. 
Instinctively, he grabs Stamp like a piece of plywood
and raises him high above his head.
   "No!" says Stamp.  "Look-- I'm sorry for the
HAUNTED MANSION!"
   "Some sins can never be forgiven!" says Master
Blaster as he tosses Stamp towards Ven-Dorr.  Stamp
hits Ven-Dorr and falls to the ground.  Ven-Dorr is
uninjured.
   "I think I broke my hip..." croaks Stamp.  Ven-Dorr
rolls over him.
   "No matter," says Master Blaster.  Another gun
appears in his hand. "I guess you didn't count on my
power to summon any weapon I may need."
   "And I guess you didn't count on my ability to
summon any kind of soda," says Ven-Dorr.  "Including
one especially designed to rob you of your powers!"
   Before he could react, Master Blaster is struck
with Ven-Dorr's Kryptonite Delight Hybrid Energy
Drink.  Another can destroys the gun.
   Master Blaster tries to summon another weapon, but
to no avail.
   Ven-Dorr fires a barrage of cans.  Master Blaster
dodges them as best he can, his eyes open for a can
that might turn things to his advantage.  "Ah-ha!" he
says, plucking one out of the air.  "Gingold!"  He
quickly pops open the can and, with apologies to DC
Comics, downs the entire soda.
   "Now you're in for it!" says Master Blaster.  He
tries to stretch his arms out to ensnare Ven-Dorr. 
Nothing.
   He tries to wiggle and wind his body around the
caffeinated maelstrom.  Nothing.  A can hits him
square in the head.
   "Damn!  All I'm getting is a slight nose wiggle,"
says Master Blaster, smelling a mystery.  He staggers
back to his feet, only to have Ven-Dorr fire two cans
of Bola Cola, once the Legion's official soft drink. 
The long-discontinued rival to Mr. Paprika wrapped
itself around Master Blaster's legs, binding him.
   "And now that you are helpless," says Ven-Dorr, "I
shall take my leave of you.  I have a Looniverse to
obliterate.  But before I go, perhaps I should leave
you some entertainment.  Attack, my children!"
   A swarm of miniature vending machines stalk towards
Master Blaster, chanting "Re-Caffeinate! 
Re-Caffeinate!"
   Ven-Dorr makes his exit.
   "Great!" says Master Blaster.  "Now I'm going to be
destroyed by little munchkin vending machines!"
   [Actually, they're the VeMites, first (and last)
seen in Charles Fitzgerald's LetterinG MaN # 6.]
   "Thanks," says the bound caesar of cool to the
footnote, "but that doesn't exactly help me!"
   "Maybe I can be of some help," offers a voice.  The
camera cuts to reveal a new figure in the TV studio.
   "WikiBoy!" says Master Blaster.  "Quick!  Change
into a... dildo!"
   WikiBoy is instantly transformed into a small
dildo.  Master Blaster laughs until his sides ache.
   "Re-Caffeinate!  Re-Caffeinate!"
   "Okay, that doesn't exactly help me out," says
Master Blaster.  "WikiBoy, you're not a dildo."
   "Thanks," says WikiBoy.
   "You're a plush armadillo."
   WikiBoy is thus transformed.
   "Okay, so that's not as funny as I thought it would
be.  Time to get serious."
   "Re-Caffeinate!  Re-Caffeinate!"  The machines inch
ever closer.
   "WikiBoy-- you're a dildo again!   Bwahahahaha!"
   One of the VeMites fires a can at Master Blaster's
knee-cap.
  "God damn, that hurts!  Okay, WikiBoy!  Time to get
me out of here.  You're a pair of scissors!"
   WikiBoy transforms from a dildo to a pair of
scissors.  The scissors lay limply on the floor.
   "Hmm.  That didn't work.  Okay.  WikiBoy, you're a
human being again-- who happens to possess a pair of
scissors."
   WikiBoy quickly cut the Bola Cola from Master
Blaster's legs.  "You're such a dick," says WikiBoy. 
"It's good to have you back, big guy."
   "No, you are!" says Master Blaster.  "A giant,
plastic dick!  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"  He rolls on the
floor, laughing.
   The shadow of the VeMites falls over him.  He stops
laughing.  "Oh, shit.  Now what?"
   There is the sound of fingers being snapped, and
all goes dark.

FADE UP ON

   "Mr. Elision, at your service," says the
intrepid-but-little-seen legionnaire.
   "What happened to the VeMites?" says Master
Blaster.
   "They're not important, so we're just skipping
ahead to your big fight with Ven-Dorr.  Here."  He
hands him the WikiDildo.  "You'll need this."
   "But how do I know where to find Ven-Dorr?"
   "You already know."
   "I do?" He stops for a moment. "I do!  Wow.  I
don't understand..."
   "You learned it after the last scene, but before
this one.  Such is the power of Mr. Elision."  He
snaps his fingers again, and disappears.

VEN-DORR'S HIDEOUT

   "Aren't you scared?" says WikiBoy.  "I mean, you
still don't have your powers back, Rob.  How are you
going to defeat Ven-Dorr?"
   "WikiBoy, you're an automatic assault rifle," says
Master Blaster.  He picks up the Automatic Assault
Rifle Anyone Can Edit and enters the shadow-encrusted
hideout.

WAIT.  ENCRUSTED?

   The hallway is lined with vending machines.  Master
Blaster stealthily creeps down the corridor, lit only
by the dim and eerie light of the vending machines. 
"I have to be careful not to be seen," says Master
Blaster.  "Ven-Dorr is a master of disguise, able to
assume the form of any kind of vending machine, and I
have to find him before he finds me!"
   "You might want to work on not talking aloud,"
offers Ven-Dorr, his voice darting out of the
darkness.  Before Master Blaster can turn to face his
opponent, Ven-Dorr fires off a volley of canned soda
beverages.
   Master Blaster dodges them with ease and then, for
good measure, uses his gun to blow them up before they
ever hit the ground.  The gun smoke clears, and Master
Blaster peers down the hallway, looking for his foe.
   "Where are you?" he demands.
   "I suppose you're wondering why I hate you," says
Ven-Dorr.
   Master Blaster whirls around, but he cannot find
the source of the voice.
   "There are two reasons.  One personal, the other
more... philosophical."
   Master Blaster stops, holding his breath so as not
to make a sound, and listens, trying to place the
voice.
   "You were not the first choice for the Pap
Spokes-entity.  I was.  You were never even seriously
considered, at first.
   "There was no way the Mr. Paprika people would have
the star of the vulgarly-titled POOP GUY TAKES A SHIT
representing their new line of hybrid energy drinks. 
But when that title was retconned to POOP GUY TAKES A
CRAP, you were more palpable.  They dropped me like a
wet sombrero."
   [*-- Master Blaster made POOP GUY TAKES A SHIT in
our third issue, INSUFFICIENT POSTAGE; in issue five,
the title was changed to POOP GUY TAKES A CRAP out of
respect for his creator, Martin Phipps.]
   "I became angry, and the blatantly sexist
commercials you starred in made me angrier.  It was
then that I discovered the works of Andrea Dworkin,
feminist crusader."
   Master Blaster fires his gun down the hallway,
striking a number of vending machines.  Did he hit
Ven-Dorr?
   No.  "Dworkin explained that all heterosexual
intercourse is equivalent to rape, and that all men
love death." [*-- Actual Dworkin quotes, by the way.]
   "And so," says Ven-Dorr, "in order to really be a
man, I had to love death.  And this is why I hate you.
 I hate you on a personal level because you took my
job from me."
   "But you got it back," says Master Blaster.
   "Only after I disguised myself as a woman and
paralyzed you." [*-- Also in our fifth issue.]
   "I thought you were a little broad for a broad!"
   "And I hate you because, if you look at it, you're
really not a real man.  Real men love death.  Real men
have body counts.  You?"
   Suddenly, Ven-Dorr leaps out of the shadows, his
electrical cord ensnarling around Master Blaster's
neck.  "You're FRICKIN' LAME, and a PUSSY!!!"
   The gun drops from Master Blaster's hand.  Quickly,
both hands go to the cord, and he tries to lift it
from around his throat.  Gurgling, he kicks in the air
as Ven-Dorr increases his merciless grip, tighter and
tighter and tighter still.
   WikiBoy, thinks Master Blaster, turn into a robot
and help me.
   The gun lay there, unyielding.
   WikiBoy, thinks Master Blaster as one his eyes
start to bulge out of its socket, you now can be
edited by my mental commands.  Now, stop being a lazy
ass piece of a shit and turn into a robot and help me!
   WikiBoy, now bearing a strange resemblance to Peter
Weller, pulls his gun from his holster and fires at
Ven-Dorr's electrical wire, severing it.  The machine
screams in pain.
   Master Blaster falls to the ground and quickly
unwinds the now-lifeless wire around his neck.  He
rubs the deep red welts it leaves and turns to look at
Ven-Dorr with white hot hate in his eyes.
   "I'll show you who's a pussy, you miserable
electronic soda-spewing death-dealing nihilistic
radical-feminist genocidal Mengele-ass motherfucking
vending machine!"
   Ven-Dorr clears its, um, throat.  "You know, a
simple, 'it's on', would suffice.  That is why I am
inherently cool, and you're lame."
   "No!" says Master Blaster.  "You're lame!  Violence
isn't inherently cool, man.  You know what's
inherently cool?  Love, family, and, yeah, sex. 
There.  I said it.
   "Sex is cool, man.  It's fun, it's romantic, it's
sleazy, and it's natural.  You know why you have a
hang-up about sex, Ven-Dorr?  It's because you don't
have the proper equipment to get yourself into
someone's coin slot."
   "What is this?" says Ven-Dorr.  "A pissing
contest?"
   "Okay, sounds good to me."
   "Wait, what?"
   "You just challenged me to a pissing contest," says
Master Blaster.  "The truest measure of manhood ever
devised.  The person who can piss the farthest, wins."
   "I never agreed to this!"
   "The loser," says Master Blaster with a measured
glance to his opponent, "has to disappear for another
twelve years."
   "It's on, Mister Blaster."
   "That's Master Blaster," says Rob as he unzips his
trousers.  "WikiBoy," he says, "we need to measure how
far we're pissing.  Transform yourself into a standard
regulation pissing contest matt."
   WikiBoy begins to elongate and flatten himself
against the floor.  "I'm used to be pissed-on," says
WikiBoy, "but this is ridiculous."
   "Here we go," says Master Blaster.  "For the fate
of the Looniverse!  One, two, three-- piss!"
   
INTERLUDE BY MR. HAIKU GORILLA

   just when I thought it
   couldn't get any cruder
   yellow daffodils

AND THE WINNER IS

   "Well, Ven-Bore," says Master Blaster.  "Looks like
you're going into storage.  Unless you're not enough
of a man to admit defeat."
   "You did beat me," says Ven-Dorr.  "But your
victory shall ring hollow.  For already the Oreo
Oblivion is in the hands of the winner, on the top
floor of this building.  And once he has but a sip,
everything will cease to be!  You will never reach him
in time-- the elevators are out of order!"
   "Damn," says Master Blaster.
   "You're upset because your victory is deliciously
meaningless?" says Ven-Dorr. 
   "No.  I was hoping to leave WikiBoy like this for a
while, let the piss soak in.  But it looks like I'm
going to need him.  WikiBoy, you're a pogo!"
   WikiBoy is transformed into a possum.
   "Wrong pogo," says Master Blaster.
   WikiBoy is transformed into a pogo-stick.  Taking
the WikiPogo into one of the empty elevator shafts, he
rockets to the top floor.  He gasps when he sees the
figure awaiting him there.
   "It's ... you!"
   "Yes.  It.  Is me," buzzes an electronic voice. 
"Stephen.  Hawk.  Ing."
   The wheelchair bound physicist is situated next to
a pedestal, upon which sits the only existing can of
Oreo Oblivion Pap Hybrid Energy Drink.
   "But why?  Why?" begs Master Blaster.  "Of all the
brilliant theoretically physicists working today,
you're the one I have my money on in the big Theory of
Everything gambling pool!"
   "You.  will.  never.  know.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha."
   Stephen Hawking sits and stares at the can of Oreo
Oblivion.  Then he shifts his eyes towards Master
Blaster.  "Um.  Could you.  open.  it.  for.  me.  ?"
   Master Blaster sighs and smacks him upside the
head.  "Dumbass."  He grabs the can of Oreo Oblivion
and, transforming WikiBoy into a parachute, descends
down the elevator shaft.
   When he gets to the bottom, Ven-Dorr is gone. 
Gone, perhaps, to seek his destiny...

MR. PAPRIKA HEADQUARTERS

   "That's the last of it," says the new head of the
Mr. Paprika Corporation.  "All cans of Pap Hybrid
Energy Drink have been destroyed-- except for, of
course, a few that slipped through the cracks."
   "How many is a few?" asks Master Blaster.
   "How ever many turn up as plot devices in future
LNH stories," says the exec.  "You thirsty, Mr.
Ramirez?"
   "That's Master Ramirez," he corrects.  "And, as a
matter of fact, I am."
   "Here," says the exec, tossing Master Blaster a can
of Mr. Paprika.  "Can't go wrong with the classics."
   Master Blaster pops it open and downs the drink. 
He belches slightly, licks his lips, and nods in
satisfaction.  "Now that's a man's pop!"

   "Wow.  That was, like, the greatest soda commercial
I've ever seen."
   "The guest stars.  The production values."
   "The violence and swearing."
   "Yeah.  And the lesbians."
   "Definitely the lesbians."

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT

   "So," says WikiBoy, "I'm confused.  Did any of the
last three issues actually happen?"
   "Of course they did," says Master Blaster.  "And
I've got the Oreo Oblivion sitting in the trophy room
to prove it."
   "Do you think that's wise?" says WikiBoy.

100 YEARS LATER-- LNH4

   WikiWoman, the daughter of All-Knowing Last-Chance
Whiner Destiny Wiki and Hamster Blaster, wanders
thirstily (and unfortunately) through the trophy room
in what proves to be the Looniverse's final ten
seconds.

NEXT TIME: THE C WORD

--

Master Blaster belongs to Martin Phipps, and I thank
him for allowing me to run with it.  I promise,
Martin, I'll have PIGS IN TIME # 3 done any time now. 
Or at least started.  (I hope.)

WikiBoy belongs to me.  So does Mr. Elision and Haiku
Gorilla.

Ven-Dorr appears courtesy of Dave Van Domelen.

(C) COPYRIGHT 2006 TOM RUSSELL.  SPECIAL THANKS TO
MARY RUSSELL, WHO WILL PROBABLY NEVER READ ANY OF THE
MASTER BLASTER STORIES.



---

Tom Russell
director, MILOS, LIFE AND TIMES OF A DREAMER
autographed dvds available for $10 US

http://turtleneckfilms.blogspot.com
Random thoughts, stories, and videos

Check out MILOS: THE SERIES, and other videos, at
http://youtube.com/profile?user=therussells

also take a look at
http://www.wilsego.com/racc
http://en.wikipedia.org

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