[LNH] President Evil #5
Adrian James McClure
lord_soldeed at yahoo.com
Sun Apr 30 19:02:59 PDT 2006
I had to write something this month, and I've been planning to write an
episode of this cascade for since I started writing here, so even
though I have no knowledge of the source material beyond Wikipedia
articles and I seem to kill every cascade I pick up, here I go...
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#5 "Irrelevant Fight Scenes Ahoy!"
by Adrian James McClure
"What?" exclaimed Shining Wombat. "Why it can't be! It's... Someone
we've never seen before, I guess!"
The person who'd just rescued them was a tall, dark-haired woman who
had a sort of 40's pinup girl look. She was wearing a rather revealing
costume that displayed her magnificent body to full advantage. She
flashed an infectuous smile at the heroes. Blak Wizzarde's jaw
dropped. "I--wha--huh--dah..." He actually started drooling, until
Compu-Yak slapped him on the side of the head. "Thanks for saving us!"
he said. "Who are you supposed to be, anyway? Wait a minute, I think
I recognize you... You're the Lurking Lady!"
The new woman sighed. "No, but I often get confused with her. I'm
Forgotten Gal. My power is that no one is able to remember me." She
shook her head. "I can't even begin to tell you how good it is to
finally be out of limbo... what year is it?"
"Well, this cascade was started in 2002, but because our writers are
so lazy it's now 2006," said Winter Droid.
She shook her head, awed. "I... wow. When I was sent to limbo by
Tiger Warlock, it was 1946. So what's it like? Have they invented
flying cars yet?"
"No," said Winter Droid, "but they have invented me. I am Winter
Droid. I have the power of extreme winter sports and have skis welded
to my feet."
"Nice to meet you," said Forgotten Gal, shaking his hand vigorously.
"Nice to meet, you too, umm..."
"Never mind." She turned to Shining Wombat. "Who are you?"
"Why are we having a long introduction scene?" said Shining Wombat.
"There is a great battle to be fought, a battle that will decide the
fate of the whole world! Why can't the author just skip past this part
and get directly to the fight scene?"
"Because it's been over a year since the last issue and no one's going
to remember who we are," said Obsidian Ranger.
"Oh, right. I am... Shining Wombat!" He gestured dramatically. "I
am a driven and dedicated avenger of the night with lots of nifty
gadgets. I have a glowing wombat symbol on my chest." He muttered
disconsolately as he shook her hand.
"I'm Compu-Yak. I was given intelligence by a falling meteor and have
amazing computer-hacking powers and cybernetic weaponry."
"I'm the Obsidian Ranger. I have the power to supress sound and use
Obsidian Discs. And I don't have much of a personality yet."
A small flower in a flowerpot started shaking around. "Mgrhpgh!"
"That's Suicide Flower," said Obsidian Ranger. "He is unable to be
destroyed, and he whines a lot. Luckily, I just used my powers on
"Um, um, um, um, wow," said Blak Wizzarde when she took his hand.
"I'm, um, I'm the Blak Wizzarde, and I have the power of magic and
being kewl." He shook her hand ever more vigorously and refused to let
go. Then he started crying. "This is the first time a woman has ever
touched me in over five years. Will you marry me?"
"Um, thanks, I'm flattered," said Forgotten Gal. She edged out of his
grip and backed away very slowly. "I'm trying to remember... Why was
I sent to Limbo? And why did I get out? That must mean that whatever
I was sent there to stop has gotten out too..."
Suddenly, a fresh wave of zombie senior citizens shambled into the
room. "Swell!" said Forgotten Gal. "Now I can kill some more
"Braaaaaains!" groaned the oncoming zombie senior citizens.
"It's nice to see men who want me for my brains," said Forgotten Gal.
"But sorry, you can't have 'em. How about some FIST!" She started
gleefully lashing out at the zombie senior citizens once more, her
peppy demeanor undimmed by the fact that she was punching zombies'
heads off. The others, joining in the fight, were starting to wonder
whether she wasn't getting a little bit too into this. But just then,
an enormous blast of energy cut through the zombies. But there were
simply too many of the zombie senior citizens, and the Random Heroes
found themselves driven back....
President Hexadecimal Luthor watched the reports of the disaster with
considerable unease. The zombies had to be stopped before they posed a
threat to him, and more importantly, the research that the Raincoat
Corporation was carrying out might cause them to uncover the fact that
Luthor had retconned himself into being President of the United States.
(Cf. Limp Asparagus Lad #45.)
He turned to his secretary of defence. I'm too tired to look up who,
if anyone, he is, so just pretend I did. "Something has to be done
about this zombie problem. This is a time when there is a grave threat
to our nation's freedom. Only one thing can save us now."
"Surely you don't mean..."
"Atomic biker zombies!"
Moments later, a pack of radioactive biker zombies on floating atomic
motorcycles zoomed into RACCoon City, lead by none other than Zombie
Marlon Brando, dressed in the same outfit he wore as Jor-El in
Superman: The Movie, with enormous chunks of fat rotting flesh falling
off him as he zoomed by. It wasn't a pretty sight. They were
programmed to kill the zombie senior citizens at any cost. They'd also
kill any inconvenient civilians that got in their way. Especially any
And on the outskirts of RACCoon city, the most unlikely zombie of all
shambled in: Ralph Nadir! Yes, the world's most famous consumer
advocate, long thought to have been killed by retcon in Currently
Nicknameless Jamie Rosen's classic first LNH story, "The Death of
Cheesecake Eater Lad #1A" (well, OK, maybe "classic" is stretching it a
bit), has now risen from the grave to run for president! He knew that
something that could threaten his power is here, and he would do
anything to stop it...
Lion Brain wasn't far now from the other members of the Random Heroes,
suddenly found himself hit from behind by a strange blast of energy.
Lion Brain flipped around and saw a group of eight supervillains
floating in the air nearby. "Who--who are you?"
"I ought to simply kill you," said their leader. "But first, I must
deliver exposition." She was a woman wearing a leather catsuit and
carrying a slightly phallic old-school sci-fi raygun. Lion Brain
didn't have a body anymore, and the body he'd had was that of a
genentically engineered lion anyway, so she wasn't really his type.
But he had to admit intellectually that she was very attractive.
"I am Baroness Wizard, ruler of the Space Dominatrix Empire in the
year 5000 AD. Now that my archnemesis, er, what was her name again?
Never mind... Now that my archnemesis has emerged from limbo and
joined together with the Random Heroes, I have gathered together
enemies of each of the Random Heroes, that I may destroy them!
"Behold: Phantom Weirdo!"
A floating albino man wearing clothes that didn't even remotely match
and holding an electric guitar starting playing some licks.
"An international assassin and rock musician who killed Obsidian
Ranger's parents with loud rock music, motivating him to fight evil
through the power of silence! The Compuwarlock!"
A man wearing technological armor and a T-Shirt that said "Yaks Go
Home" shook his fist.
"A computer hacker who was briefly fired from his job and replaced by
Compu-Yak before he himself was fired and became a superhero, who has
now sworn vengeance on all yaks! The Psychic Crustacean!"
A large, burly man in armor that made him look like a crab walked
sideways and clanked his claws. His antennae blazed with uncanny
energy. "One of the Shining Wombat's oldest and deadliest enemies!
The Android Barbarian!"
A bare-chested man wearing a leather jacket, shades, and a loincloth
with a sword in one hand and a gun in the other shook his weapons and
said, "Hasta la vista, baby!"
"The governor of California, archenemy of Winter Droid! The Lurking
A short, pale man who was even fatter than Blak Wizzarde bared his
fake vampire teeth coated in fake blood. "I am a vampire, a lonely,
cursed creature of the night. Once I sought human companionship, but
it was denied to me by the Blak Wizzarde. Now I can have my revenge
for the mean comments he left on my MySpace account!"
"He's not really a vampire. He just pretends to be one to be more
"I am so a vampire! I'm a psychic vampire. I can drain people's
"What he actually means is that he's so aggravating that he can put
anyone he's having a conversation with into a coma." He was about to
respond something, but she continued: "The Living Bee!"
A normal-sized bee who was glowing slightly buzzed slowly around the
"The immortal archnemey of Suicide Flower, who has sought his nectar
for centuries. And now behold--Super Eyeball!"
"No!" said Lion Brain. "No! It can't be! It's my own eyeball! How
can you turn against me like this!"
"You abandoned me!" said Super Eyeball. "Now you will pay for it!"
"This exposition has gone on for long enough! For we are... THE
WHO will win, LIion Brain or the Random Villains?
WHAT is the forgotten mission of Forgotten Gal?
WHEN will someone get around to explaining what the W Force is?
WHERE is the next issue of Ultimate Mercenary?
WHY does the author keep writing lame cascade issues that no one
continues and neglecting his own series?
Well, that was actually short for once...
Everyone is believed to be public domain. The concept of the Random
Heroes, Compu-Yak, Winter Droid, Shining Wombat, Blak Wizzarde, Suicide
Flower, and Obsidian Ranger created by Mike Friedman. Lion Brain and
Ralph Nadir created by Jamie Rosen. Hex Luthor created by Chris Hare.
Forgotten Gal, the biker zombies, and all the Random Villains created
by me. Forgotten Gal and all the Random Villains created using the
Useless Superhero Generator
(http://home.hiwaay.net/~lkseitz/comics/herogen/), as were the other
Random Heroes. This story is (c) 2006 Adrian James McClure
More information about the racc