LNH: How to write the Ultimate Ninja...

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Wed Apr 26 18:20:49 PDT 2006

I'm posting this mainly for a better external link than the How-to-writes
for the Ultimate Ninja section on the LNHwiki page.

(Someone should really write an Ultimate Ninja entry for the LNH WWW Roster

This How-to-write is pretty old although most of it still applies...

For more of an idea of how to write the Ultimate Ninja read these:

How to Write The Ultimate Ninja                  by wReam       ??/??/92
                How Ultimate Ninja Should be Written
                     "Is there a wrong way?"

        I really didn't want to do this but after Jef's wonderful massacre
of Ultimate Ninja I thought that I might as well jump on the BandWAGON!
(ain't I just the cleverest!)
        I say that Jef massacred Ultimate Ninja not because he did
something wrong, but because UN is now in a coma as of ES #5.  In fact I
liked your interepretation and would say that there is no way of writing
UN wrong, unless he starts doing something completely inappropriate like
falling in love. 
        Ultimate Ninja is not really a Ninja but a persona that represents
the powers and inconsistensies that come from Oriental lore in general.
(Much due to Japanese Karate films and the comic misinterpretation of what a
ninja can do) For example, Jef was right in saying that Ninja are assasins
and that they kill people.  However I might disagree that Ultimate Ninja
would be necessarily a ninja in any sense of the term.  As I state on the
roster he possesses any ability that is construed as being oriental in
nature.  (Just wait until he starts spewing forth ancient chinese secrets to
Marvel Zombie Boy in COMA.)
        If you have ever taken the time to watch a Ninja/Kungfu/Karate
/Martial arts based film you will notice that when the enemy has even a
submachine gun that for some reason he is completely incapable of hitting
the ninja/martial artist.  This is the type of character that Ultimate Ninja
emulates best.  You and I both know this is the most bogus, untrue facts and
that if you had a gun and a ninja or anytype of martial artist was being
held up that the martial artist wouldn't stand a chance.  Perhaps this is a
Zteam special power, but in general guns don't affect Ultimate Ninja mainly
because he can draw upon that skill of not being hit in a rainshower of
bullets. Likewise the manuever, HeartThrob (I have named it), where Ultimate
Ninja reaches into a mans chest and rips out his heart so that he can see it
beat as he dies is completely phoney, in truth, but Ultimate Ninja does it
all the time!  (Can you imagine trying to practice such a manuever?!?) Ninja
Bush is the Ultimate Weapon for Ultimate Ninja.  (in real life it is those
helicopter like seed pod things that Maple trees produce that flutter around
and get everywhere in the fall.) It is only usable by Ultimate Ninja, and is
sort of an inside joke.  I mean who would use a bush as a weapon, let alone
the seeds from it.  Ultimate Ninja is proficient with pretty much anytype of
weapon and carries them all in his clothes.  Impossibly but this doesn't
matter. (He is a Ninja.)

        Anyhow the whole joke about the character is that because he is
ninja he can pretty much do anything.  It is this reason I had him wipe
out the LNH so that you would get about as sick of the genre as I am.  I
personally think the martial arts/oriental mysteries thing is quite silly
and am quite opposed to the idea that in order to be a good hero you have to
have some martial art training.  This is why in the comics, LNH especially,
I have made it so blatantly opposite.  Satirically making fun of the comic
industry that has an irrational fixation on the Ninja/Martial Arts


Arthur "Everyone was Kung Fu Fighting..." Spitzer

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