LNH: Web of Mainstream Man # 5

Tom Russell milos_parker at yahoo.com
Sun Apr 16 21:21:02 PDT 2006


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    WEB OF MAINSTREAM MAN # 5
    by Tom Russell

~~

   Pocket Man floats in a place he does not recognize.
 The walls and floor are lined with a pulsing, pink
membrane; strands of orange gelatin float along
invisible, undetectable air currents.  There are
several holes of various shapes and diameters, tunnels
that stretch on and become other tunnels.  Pok sees a
light coming from one of them, and so he moves towards
it, swimming through the air.
   He hears an unearthly sound, and in preparation for
any attacker, pulls a small ray gun from one of his
many pockets.  He reaches the light and can make out
the form of a brightly-clad figure.
   "I am the gatekeeper!" he says.  "If you want
admittance to this universe, than you must answer me a
question."
   "Go ahead."
   "Are your parents dead?"
   "I don't think they are."
   "Then you shall not pass!"
   A strong gust of jelly-strands spews forth from the
light, carrying Pok at high velocities away from the
light.  He collides with one of the living walls, a
muted thud reverberating through the silent and
mysterious place.
   He sees another light and swims towards it.  This
light, too, contains the form of a brightly-clad
figure; only this is a figure that Pok recognizes. 
"Kid Recap!"
   He reaches into the portal, grabs the ranger of
recapitulation by the arm, and pulls him out of it. 
"How did you find me?"
   "It was Ori's idea," Kid Recap explains.  "To quote
my roster entry, I generally pop up long enough to
recap what happened previously, and then I disappear. 
Since I need to have someone to regale with my recap,
and since you were the only interested party out of
the loop..."
   "I see!" says Pok.  "And so, needing to tell me
what's been going on, you found yourself in this
strange dimension!"
   "Which also means that now we know where you are!"
says Kid Recap.  "Um.  So, where are we?"
   "I'm not quite sure," says Pok.  "But I'm sure
we'll find a way out of this together.  So what's been
going on in my absence?"
   "Mainstream Man took it upon himself to solve the
mystery of your disappearance.  But he really didn't
do anything other than read his comic books.  That's
when your wife, Organic Lass, took over.  Various
teams of legionnaires were sent out to find the former
associates of the Purple Muffin, to see if his
disappearance was tied in with your own.  For the most
part, they came up empty-handed, though Sarcastic Lad
and Elvis Man said that they had come across a clue. 
Mainstream Man said that it didn't matter, though-- he
had already solved the mystery."
   Suddenly, another portal opened up at their feet,
spewing out a television set before closing.  The
television clicks on and our heroes are surprised to
see Mainstream Man on the other side of the screen.
   "Yes," says Mainstream Man, "I know who is
responsible for Pok's disappearance!  I have solved
the mystery!"
   The television cycles through close-ups of
Sarcastic Lad, Elvis Man, WikiBoy, and Organic Lass.
   "Nice editing," remarks Pok.

~~

   "Tell us, then!" says Ori.  "I want to find my
husband!"
   "All in due time," says Mainstream Man, clearly
enjoying himself.  "For when I am finished, I think
you all will owe me an apology.  You all think that
I'm useless and lazy.  That I procrastinate and read
my comics instead of getting anything done.
   "Well, you're wrong!
   "I told you before that I was doing research, and
research I was doing!  You don't solve the crime by
looking at such paltry details as how it was done. 
How is the wrong question.  It's easy, for example,
for someone to fake the modus operandi of another
criminal.  This is the lesson I learned from my
research.  I present, then, exhibit A: this handsome
hard-cover edition of IDENTITY CRISIS."
   "It wasn't a bad story idea," opines Sarcastic Lad.
 "Though I wish they hadn't spun it off into that
terrible series SLINGERS."
   "Not that IDENTITY CRISIS!" snaps Mainstream Man. 
"The Justice Mind-Wipers of America IDENTITY CRISIS."
   "Oh."
   "The question one has to look at if they want to
solve a crime is not how, but who.  Who benefits?
   "Who benefits from the disappearance of Pok?"
   "The Purple Crayon?" offers WikiBoy.  "The Clueless
Master?"
   "No," says Mainstream Man.  "There's no benefit."
   "What are you talking about?" says Sarc.  "The
Clueless Master is Pok's arch nemesis.  And, let's
face it, without Pok or someone like him to keep you
in line, you'll never solve the mystery of the Purple
Crayon."
   "No one benefits!" says Mainstream Man.  "No one,
that is, except Organic Lass."
   "What?"

~~

   "WHAT?!"

~~

   "By kidnapping Pok, then your husband will pay more
attention to you!"
   "First of all," says Ori, "I'm not lacking
attention from Pok.  We have a very strong marriage. 
Second of all, kidnapping him wouldn't strengthen that
marriage.  Third, wanting attention is an inane motive
for a crime anyway.  And last but not least, you just
stole the ending of IDENTITY CRISIS verbatim."
   "That's what you want us to think!" says Mainstream
Man.  "Guys!  Hurry!  Before she escapes!"
   Sarc, Elvis Man, and WikiBoy stare at him blankly.
   "Well, come on!" says Mainstream Man.  "We've got
to lock her up before she escapes!"
   Sarc, Elvis Man, and WikiBoy stare at him blankly.
   "You believe me, don't you?"
   Sarc, et al, ditto.
   "WikiBoy!" says Mainstream Man.  "You believe me!"
   "Face it, Mainstream Man," says Ori.  "This is..."
   CLANG!
   Ori falls to the floor.  WikiBoy stands behind her
with a wrench in his hand.  "I believe you," says
WikiBoy, a worried look on his face.  "I wish to god
that I didn't, but, strangely enough (or not so
strangely) I do."
   "Let's slap a power dampener on her and get her to
the holding cell before she wakes up," says Mainstream
Man.
   "She's going to kick your asses when she wakes up,"
says Sarc.
   "I know," says WikiBoy, whimpering.  "Damn my
wikipowers."

~~

   "We've got to get back there!" says Pok.
   "To save Ori?" says Kid Recap.
   "No.  To save them from Ori," says Pok.  "And to
get this investigation back on track."
   They head towards the portal.  As Pok is about to
plunge in, another portal opens behind them.  Gelatin
tendrils whip out of the new portal, grabbing our
heroes.
   "It's pulling us towards the other portal!" says
Kid Recap.  "We've got to fight it, got to get back to
our reality!"
   They inch towards the portal that will take them
back home.  Tendrils fling out of this portal, too. 
Our heroes anticipate a tug-of-war, but are surprised
to find that these new tendrils are actually pushing
them towards the other portal.
   They struggle in vain until they are pulled
screaming into the second portal.  Silence fills the
fleshy other-place for a few precious moments.  Then,
a voice echoes softly, though there is no one to hear
it:
   "What Mainstream Man faces, he faces alone."
   Then, silence anew.

~~

   Sarc and Elvis Man find Mainstream Man in his room,
arranging his 1997-1998 Marvel Team-Up Annuals
alphabetically by the name of the least popular
character (for example, CABLE/MACHINE MAN would be
filed under MACHINE MAN) and having trouble with
THOR/DOOM.  "Thor is one of the most recognizable
Marvel heroes," says Mainstream Man.  "He was even
featured in ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING.  Yet DR. DOOM
is the quartessential villain.  What'd you think,
Sarc?"
   "I think you should ask Time Waster Lad to do this
for you," says the caustic crusader.  "It seems more
up his alley."
   "He's making photocopies for me of my
post-Flashback month gatefold guides," says Mainstream
Man.
   "Oh," says Sarc.
   "Take my hand," says Elvis Man.  "Take my whole
life too.  Rubberneckin'."
   "What the sequin sojourner means," says Sarc, "is
that we still have to tell you the clue we stumbled
across."
   "The case is solved," says Mainstream Man, filing
his comic under DOOM with the rationale that Pussified
Movie Doom has caused the character irreparable
damage.
   "While I'm sure you've convinced yourself of that,"
says the caustic crusader, "if I was in your shoes,
I'd rather be out following this lead then being here
when Ori gets out of that holding cell."
   "Where to, gents?"

~~

   After the cell door slides open, Organic Lass
withdraws her picks from the lock.  Ori is glad that
she had learned about picking a lock from reading
Richard A. Feynman's SURELY YOU'RE JOKING, MR.
FEYNMAN!, just as Tom Russell is glad that he had
learned about Ori's lock-picking prowess from reading
Rebecca A. Drayer's MISTRESS OF MOLECULES.
   Ori heads out of the holding area, holding her
aching head.  If it wasn't for the power dampeners,
she would lessen the pain by creating some sort of
compound which (in my ignorance of chemistry and
science) I have no idea what the name is of.  Did that
sentence make sense?
   "No," says Obscure Trivia Lad, greeting Ori and the
reader as they step into the elevator.  "And if
Obscure Trivia Lad is not mistaken, you would want to
create an endorphin in order to achieve analgesia."
   "Thanks, OTL," says Ori.  Since the power dampeners
prevent her from doing this, the advice is quite
useless, thus keeping with Obscure Trivia Lad's
ability to remember trivial things, but nothing that
is really of any importance.  But... was that really
obscure?  I mean, a lot of people know about
endorphins and analgesia, even if stupid Tom had to
look it up on Wikipedia.
   "Um..." says Obscure Trivia Lad.  "There were 2,140
Britons and 461 Americans involved in the Pig War of
1859; there were no casualties, save for the pig."  A
pig, who was killed a long time ago.  Pig.  Time. 
Hmm.  That reminds me of PIGS IN TIME, the new series
coming from Martin Phipps and...
   "Obscure and useless," says Ori, cutting off the
narrator as she exits the elevator.  "Perfect. 
Thanks, Obscure Trivia Lad."  She turns back towards
him to find that the cyborg legionnaire is no longer
there.  "That's strange."
   That's when she notices that the monitor room is
empty.  She looks down the hall at the lobby: empty. 
She rushes over to the cafeteria.  Empty.
   "Hello?  Is anyone there?"
   If one was listening, one would then hear the
sounds of a scuffle and a muffled plea for assistance;
one then would be faced with a moment of uncomfortable
silence; followed by seven words.
   "What Mainstream Man faces, he faces alone."

~~

   "Plaid," says Sarc.
   WikiBoy's skin becomes plaid.  The LNHer Anyone Can
Edit heaves a sigh.
   Mainstream Man starts to feel a little sorry for
WikiBoy, and he reverts the edit.  Sarc grumps a
little about it until they reach their destination.
   "So why are we here, again?" asks Mainstream Man.
   The caustic crusader sniffles.  "I thought you said
today we'd get to do what I want to do!  You should
have just stayed home and watched the game if you
didn't want to come!"
   "Bubba Ho-Tep," whimpers Elvis Man.
   "This warehouse apparently houses some high-tech
stuff that was recently shipped from China.  The
Purple Muffin-- that's the smarmy jerk that
disappeared on us-- he apparently was involved in
smuggling it in and had asked the guy Elvis Man and I
interviewed to help him move it to the warehouse,"
says Sarc, upset that he has to play the straight man
here.  "Wait, that didn't sound right."
   No, it didn't, especially after your bit about him
staying home and watching the game.
   "Great, just great," says Sarc.  "You're trying to
turn me into another Frat Boy."

~~

   Frank O'Malley comes home from work and calls for
his lover.  There is no response.

~~

   The phone rings in the Ultimate Ninja's office, and
remains unanswered.

~~

   One of Arlie Fertulus's new films plays on Master
Blaster's television set.
   But there is no one to watch it, and no one to
comment on Master Blaster's obvious onanistic
tendencies.

~~

   What Mainstream Man faces, he faces alone.

~~

   The door to the warehouse slams shut behind him. 
Mainstream Man takes a few steps forward, and then
becomes aware of the fact that he can only hear his
own footsteps.  He whirls around.  "Sarc?  Elvis Man? 
WikiBoy?"
   They're gone.  "Guys?  This isn't funny..."
   He hears a buzzing sound, like the amplified
thrashing of a hummingbird's wings.  Instinctively, he
runs back to the door, trying to force it open.  It
does not budge.  On closer inspection, he sees a large
purple lock on the door.  Touching it, he smudges its
crayon exterior.
   The sound gets louder.
   He turns towards it.
   Floating before him, he sees a six-foot long purple
crayon, its point blunted, its wrapper somewhat torn. 
The crayon pivots in the air, and upon the completion
of the circle, the warehouse disappears.  The floor,
the sound, the boxes: gone.
   Replaced by a purple-tinged whiteness.
   Mainstream Man stares at the crayon, and the crayon
gazes also at him.

~~

WHAT'S HAPPENED TO THE LEGION OF THE NET.HEROES?  FIND
OUT IN Legion of Net. Heroes Vol. 2 # 12, COMING APRIL
29 (LNH DAY)!

AND BE HERE NEXT MONTH FOR THE SENSE-SHATTERING FINAL
ISSUE OF Web of Mainstream Man!

~~

Mainstream Man was created by Marc A. Nicol and is
currently reserved by myself.

Pocket Man, Sarcastic Lad, and Elvis Man are the
creations of Gary St. Lawrence and not reserved.

Organic Lass was created by Rebecca A. Drayer, and was
used without permission; see last issue's character
credits for more on this.

Obscure Trivia Lad was created by Brian Perler and is
not reserved.

The Purple Crayon, Arlie Fertulus, and WikiBoy are my
own creations and currently reserved; since it is one
of her *new* movies playing, Arlie's death in
NET.HEROES ON PARADE # 24-26 is obviously retconned,
as are those issues of NHOP in their entirety.  The
official, canonical NHOP ends with # 23-- the
official-official, canonical-canonical NHOP is being
presented in the current TEB editions.

Frat Boy was created by Uplink and is not reserved;
his lover, Frank, was created by myself and is not
reserved.

The Ultimate Ninja and Sister State-the-Obvious were
created by wReam and thus are wReam characters. :-)

Master Blaster was created by Martin Phipps and is not
reserved.

Kid Recap was created by Josh Geurink and is not
reserved.

(C) COPYRIGHT 2006 TOM RUSSELL.




--

Tom Russell
Director of MILOS, LIFE AND TIMES OF A DREAMER
Limited autographed dvds now on sale, directly from the filmmaker

"If a comic book, book, movie or novel is not somebody's fantasy 
then who wrote it and to whom does it appeal to?  In order for a 
shared universe to have a widespread appeal, it has to appeal on 
a primal level.  If somebody says superhero comics are just 'wish 
fulfillment' then he needs to explain what is entertainment that 
doesn't satisfy our wishes and what satisfaction at all you can get 
from it." -- Dr. Martin Phipps

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