LNH: Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon #1 to (??)

[Tom Russell]

You know, I always feel sorry for Cannon Fodder.  At least at first,
then I laugh.

Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> The Jong Company Proudly Presents:
>              Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon
>
>                         Issue Number One
>
>             "The Komodo Dragon That Barked -- Easter!"

I always wondered why Christmas was a bigger deal to Christians than
Easter.  I mean, sure, the whole birth thing is more "up" than the
whole death on the cross thing, but Easter is kind of the main event,
isn't it?  I mean, without Easter, what's the point of Christmas in the
first place?  It'd just be another birthday party for some carpenter's
kid.  It's Easter that gives the whole religion its meaning, not
Christmas.

Not only that, but Easter is really a more exciting story.  Much as I
disliked Mel Gibson's PASSION, he had the right idea starting in
Gethsemane.  That's a powerful scene.  A great set-piece.  Then you've
got the betrayal of Judas.  You have Christ before Pilate, Christ
before Herod, and Christ before Pilate again-- he could save himself
but he chooses not to-- that's powerful drama.  Then there's the whole
Barrabas thing-- whose name is given as Jesus Barrabas-- this is all
good stuff.

You have the torture and humiliation.  You have the spear of Longinus
and the suffering on the cross.  You have not one, not two, but three
last words.  The heavens are ripped asunder, a massive earthquake rocks
the world, the curtain in the temple is ripped!

And what about Holy Saturday?  Jesus delving deep into the bowls of
hell, challenging Satan, rescuing the souls of the unjustly damned:
Jesus kicking ass, and taking names.  And then you cap it off with the
resurrection and the eventual ascension back into heaven.

I mean, every one of these scenes is a great, dramatic set-piece.  But
what does Christmas have?  A woman claiming she never had sex giving
birth in a filthy barn and some stupid star.  I mean, I guess the
slaughter of the innocents could be lumped in with the Christmas story,
but last time I went to a Christmas pageant, I didn't see any children
being chopped up by Herod's guards.

It doesn't make any sense to me.  The terrific thrilling story is
overlooked for a fetishized birth home video.  No wonder church is so
boring.

> "Relax, UN.  This isn't *any* ordinary Komodo Dragon.  This is Eggplant the
> Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon!  He wouldn't hurt anyone.  He's here to teach
> us about the true meaning of Easter because we've lost our way.

And, surprisingly, he does:

> gently put his hand on the lizard's head.  And that's when Eggplant the
> Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon lunged at Cannon Fodder's throat.  The Komodo
> Dragon's powerful jaws sank its into Cannon Fodder's tasty neck.  Blood
> started spurting out as Cannon Fodder struggled to escape.  The Ultimate

The true meaning of Easter is grisly, pulse-pounding violence.  At
least Arthur understands this, even if the Pope doesn't.

>  If you look closely
> -- you'll notice that Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon has a tiny
> little black mustache -- which means... This isn't our "Eggplant the Easter
> Miracle Komodo Dragon" -- but in fact this is an Eggplant the Easter Miracle
> Komodo Dragon from an Alt.er.net Universe where all the "Holiday Miracle
> Pets" are corrupt and evil."

Eggplant Barrabas?

--Tom