LNH: Fox.Net Special: The Alt.Riders Exposed!

Jamas Enright thad at eyrie.org
Fri Sep 30 20:23:31 PDT 2005

Blue Light Productions presents:

________  ____ _           _____ _   _     ____      _
|      |   |   |           |   | |   |     |  |      |
| BLiP |   |   |           |   | |  -|--   |  | o    |
|  &   |   |   |--| |--|   |---| |   |     |--~   |--| |--| |--- ----
| Fox. |   |   |  | |  |   |   | |   |     |  \ | |  | |  | |    |___
| Net  |   |   |  | |~~~   |   | |   |   _ |  | | |  | |~~~ |       |
~~~~~~~~   ~   ~  ~ ~~~~   ~   ~ ~~  ~~~ ~ ~  ~ ~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~    ~~~~
     [The Alt.Riders walk along slowly before being stamped by
              a red circle with a line through it...]

                          "The Alt.Riders Exposed"
                            "A Fox.Net Special"

Zoom in on a blurry picture of Agent, obviously a blown up photo that
was taken at long distance. "They say they are here for your
      Photo of Morph slides by, of him eating a burger, sauce dripping
onto his shirt. "They say they are on your side."
      Action shot of Dva hitting a thug in the side of the head with a
piece of wood. "But can you really trust them?"
      A picture of an exploding tanker that suddenly zooms in to reveal
the Net.Elementalist firing a burst of Flame. "They claim to be working
for the Legion of Net.Heroes."
      Picture of Missy, surrounded by scientists. "Tonight, we take a
close look at these claims."
      Cut to a publicity shot of the entire team. "On The Alt.Riders
Exposed, here on Fox.Net."
      A column of smoke rises from San Fran.cis.co.us. "The Alt.Riders
hit the news again recently when one of them was tied to the recent
terrorist attack in San Fran."
      Silent footage of Agent on TV. "And then this team member was seen
holding an entire news room hostage to promote his own agenda."
      Cut to another news room, this one at Fox.net studios. In front of
the camera we see two stunningly beautiful people. "Hello. I'm Chris
Kendoll," one says. "And I'm Robin Gusher," the other announces.
      Chris resumes speaking. "Tonight we will be investigating the
Alt.Riders, probing into just who these people are, and be revealing
some incredible secrets they don't want you to know."
      "That's right," Robin takes over. "And in the interest of unbiased
and fair journalism, we've made sure to stay away from the facts as much
as possible, and invent everything you're about to witness."
      "Over the next hour, you'll be hearing stories like these."
      Shot of a witness, identified as 'N. O. Body, Wis.cosine.' "I just
minding my own business, when the Net.Elementalist swooped in, picked me
up and carried me without asking or anything. Sure, he said it was
because of a poison gas attack, but all I know is my pets ain't been the
same since he was around."
      Another witness, 'A. N. Other, Californ.io.' "That shape-changing
dude was, like, around here a while ago. Then a whole bunch of <bleep>
blew up, and the bottom fell, like, out of the house price market,
      Yet someone else, 'F. Bennington, Respected Businessman, Tech.as.'
"Many times my business properties have been invaded by the Alt.Riders,
all with significant property damage resulting, and a huge loss of
      Back to the studio. "Tragic stories, Chris."
      "Quite true, Robin. When we return, we'll be talking with the
journalist who first reported on them, Alice Knewbee. Stay tuned."
      Superhero vox-pop, 'What do you think of the Alt.Riders?': The
picture is of Vel, walking away, saying "Alt. Riders?  Sorry... I don't
watch late night shows on the Playhero channel."
      Cliche Dude gives a thumbs up as he replies "Conspiracies, Mr Rico! 
Zillions of 'em!"

[Ad: Shot of a flooded house. "Is your house too damp?" Cut to wife
picking up a towel. "Try new absorbent No-Water Towels." With a single
wipe across the screen the house becomes bone dry. "Also good for those
after exercise sessions." Shot of sweaty guy in jogging outfit coming
into the house, picks up a towel, wipes over his forehead, then
collapsing in a shrivelled pile as all water is sucked from his body.
"New No-Water Towels. Use them today!"
      "Warning: donotusenearwater.maycauseheadaches,stomachcramps,lossof

"Welcome back to The Alt.Riders Exposed, here on Fox.net. What we are
about to present to you is a shocking interview with someone who
believes in the Alt.Riders, which we will now show complete and
      Cut to Alice Knewbee, in mid sentence. "-they've been very nice to
me, so-" Another cut. "really, they aren't at all what people think of
them." Another cut. "Many times they've saved me from a lot of grief."
      Back to the studio. "Dramatic stuff."
      "Indeed. But there is more than one side to any story. We now want
to show you this interview with a spokesperson for the LNH."
      Cut to Publicity Kid. "-my hair? Is it all...oh, we're rolling?
Right, I'd like to read from a prepared statement, if I may? This
statement, may I add, I mentioned to Ultimate Ninja himself that I was
going to write it. At least, I told him I was going to talk to you about
them. Anyway, I think it might have come up over a muffin or
      "But anyway, the statement is: We have heard of the Alt.Riders and
are aware of their claimed affiliation with the Legion of Net.Heroes. At
this time, we are able to confirm that this is indeed what they are
claiming, but under no circumstances are we confirming any allegations
levelled against us about the use of so-called 'silly string' in any
attempts to make life-size statues of Ross Perot. Thank you for your
      Back to the studio. "Chilling words indeed. Following up on these
leads, we decided to go to their current base of operations located in
      Cue a map, zooming down to show the location of Sin.ci.net.ty.
      "But unfortunately our lawyers were unable to obtain permits
allowing us to go in there, the city still maintaining a 'No Man Land'
zone, despite recent urban renewal and the establishment of some
absolutely lovely parks. Just what are the Alt.Riders hiding? We managed
to ring their headquarters and talk to a man on the inside. All that and
more from Ms. Knewbee, after this."
      Superhero vox-pop: Limp-Asparagus Lad gives the question deep
thought before replying "The Alt.Riders? Hard working heroes. They've
had a lot of problems with mind-control recently, and while we
net.heroes all have to expect mind-control to be used against us from
that from time to time, they've had a abnormally long period of it."

[Ad: Two people on a couch. "I want to get in touch with my husband
Peter. He died of a heart attack peacefully in his sleep." "I'm in touch
with someone called Pedro, or Patty, who had a medical condition. They
say they are fine and would like you not to worry." "Wow, that's
      "All over the world, psychics just like these are contacting dead
people all the time. Give us some money and we can sell you platitudes
too. Go on. You know you're a gullible idiot who's going to be fleeced
by someone, and we're asking for a first go, that's all. Go on. Be your

Back to Alice's interview. An off-screen interviewer asks: "What about
the attack in your own city of Phila.DEL.phia, when the Wishful Star
building was destroyed? The Alt.Riders were involved in that."
      "Of course they were. Mandrake was turning people into monsters,
and they stopped him."
      "By destroying a building and causing property damage for nearby
blocks and costing millions in repair."
      "...you do know Mandrake is a villain right?"
      "I don't see what relevance that has to the damage the Alt.Riders
      Back in the studio. "From her own mouth they are condemned. Coming
up, the results of investigations into their backgrounds, but first, we
talked to Dr. I. M. A. Quack, a self-proclaimed expert in superhero
      Cut to Dr. Quack, complete with shocking white hair, lab coat, and
a smoking pipe, and fake German accent. "I zee zis all zee time, Chris,"
she confesses. "Many patients come to me with zier problems, all of vich
can be traced back to zuperheroes."
      "And what of the Alt.Riders?"
      "I haven't heard of zem before, but here's vot I think. I'll be
writing a new book tomorrow, due out next veek, called 'The Alt.Riders:
A Look At A Fractured Psyche' in which I'll examine each of ze
Alt.Riders and prove them clinically insane based on telephone
conversations I'll have with my couzin Mildred."
      "What more can be said? This is the journalistic integrity of the
Fox.net corporation at its finest. And now, more shocking eye-witness
      Witness No. 27. "I remember the time they pulled Flo.rec.da out of
that black hole. No-one asked them to do that, and we're stuck with that
damned state again. Where's the justice I ask?"
      Witness No. 39. "I tried to take a holiday in Germany, but then I
found out that they didn't allow superheroes there, all because of the
Alt.Riders, or something. I mean, what if there's a supervillain attack?
We won't be safe in our beds!"
      Witness No. 189. "I'm just trying to sell hotdogs, you know? And
this one time, one of the Alt.Riders...I think it was Frat Boy or
someone... brought a hot-dog and then complained when I put mustard on
it. I mean, please, who likes hotdogs without mustard?"
      Back to the studio. "What more do we need to say?" Chris asks. "And
now, the exclusive interview we've been promising for at least three
minutes. I remind you, this was taped at 3 o'clock in the morning to
ensure we could surprise the truth out of Captain Cleanup."
      Cut to the aerial shot of Sin.ci.net.ty. This holds under the
following conversation, which is transcribed onto the screen.
      Sound fx: <Ring ring....ring ring....>
      Anonymous Superhero: "Wha...hello?"
      Robin: "Hello, is this Captain Cleanup?"
      Anonymous Superhero: "What? Yes, who is this?"
      Robin: "I'm with the Fox.Net news network, and I'd like to ask you
a few questions about the Alt.Riders. I believe you work for them?"
      Anonymous Superhero: "Er. Yes? What time is it?"
      Robin: "You sound confused, Mr. Cleanup. Could it be that you don't
work for them? Are you claiming they are holding you hostage?"
      Anonymous Superhero: "What? No! I work...well, I help keep the
place tidy. They create a bit of a mess, you know."
      Robin: "Yes, we are well aware of their activities and the damage
they cause. Have they tried to harm you?"
      Anonymous Superhero: "No, nothing like that. Look, who is this?"
      Robin: "Captain Cleanup, is it not true that Sin.ci.net.ty is under
restriction on people entering it, despite the opening of the Frank
Miller Pre-Memorial Park?"
      Anonymous Superhero: "Yes. But I'm not sure anyone really pays
attention to that any-"
      Robin: "And were the Alt.Riders not involved in instigating that
      Anonymous Superhero: "Er, no, that was the Queen B-"
      Back to the studio. "Unfortunately that is all of the interview we
can present," Chris intones in a serious voice. Then immediately
lightens up to say "But coming up after the break, a look at just who
are the Alt.Riders?"
      Shot of Alice Knewbee. Off screen questioner asks: "We have several
witnesses who claim to the Alt.Riders have often visited your home. What
exactly is your relationship with them?"
      "I'm the only credible journalist they trust, and I have to keep
ensuring them that all journalists are unbiased and only interested in
the truth."
      "And did they buy that?"
      "I'm sure this documentary of yours will be all the proof they
      Superhero vox pop: Mouse glares at the interviewer as she says "For
the last time, I am telling you that who I vote for is none of your
bu... you're not a pollster? Really? Are you _sure_ you're not a
pollster? How about a surveyor? Magazine subscriber? Evangelist? No? 
Okay, what do you want? The Alt.Riders?! Don't tell me THOSE psychos are
back in town!!!"

[Ad: Glory shot of Hex Luthor. Over which is spoken: "Did Hex Luthor
embroil us in a war with Iraq after finding out that Saudi forces were
behind the 9/11 attack? Did Hex Luthor suppress or manipulate findings
on global warming? Were Hex Luthor's words used to support creationism?
      "Hex Luthor, the people's president. It could be worse."]

Over a series of publicity stills showing Agent in various stages of
dress...and undress, Chris says "Welcome back. The leader of the
Alt.Riders is a strange figure, shrouded in mystery and intrigue. Even
his name remains unknown. He is known only as 'Agent', although no
agency is known to employ him."
      The photos become older, some in black and white, of Agent in
various cities. "Interestingly, we have photographic evidence, which we
swear we didn't alter, unlike last time, going back several decades. In
these photos we see Agent much as he is now, although our research has
him under the name 'Phantom Walker'. Why he changed his name, we can
only speculate. Possibly to avoid IRS prosecution, possibly because of a
class action lawsuit by DC comics, possibly to simply 'get jiggy with
it' under a new name."
      Back to a two shot in the studio. "We asked Alice Knewbee what she
knew of Agent, and she tells a chilling tale."
      "He does tend to keep to himself," Alice says. "He is big on
intimidation tactics, but he always has his eye on getting the job done.
And have you seen those clothes he wears, what's up with that?"
      "So are you afraid of Agent, then?"
      "Agent? Oh, I thought you were talking about the Ultimate Ninja."
      Back to Robin. "That alone speaks volumes. But we now present to
you startling new footage we gained purely by accident. We have kept
quiet about it until now so that no repercussions will be taken against
us. We were out filming for the latest Fox.Net special "The Da Vince
Code Revealed: What The Churches Don't Want You To Know", and what
happened next shocked all of us."
      The scene becomes that of a hand-held camera, showing a park bench
in a park somewhere. Sitting on the bench was someone dressed up as
Jesus Christ, robes and everything, making out with someone pretending
to be Mary Magdalene, who was dressed in leather, what there was of it.
A voice over is saying "Yeah, just like that. Get the tongue in deep,
      Suddenly people rush past, and the camera is jostled, then the
picture steadies on a figure wearing a hat just getting into a taxi-cab
before it is surrounded by people. With a squealing of the tires, the
taxi takes off.
      The camera swings back to see Jesus and Mary staring at the
disturbance. Jesus says "Christ on a f**king crutch, who the holy f**k
was that, dude?"
      Back to the studio. "We don't have a conclusive identification of
the man in the hat as Agent, but Agent has been known to wear a hat, so
we leave the viewers to make their own conclusion. We merely want to
know what Agent was doing in that park, and what was he trying to escape
      "Damning evidence indeed, Robin. But we now turn our attention to
one of the most mysterious figures of the Alt.Riders, namely Morph, who
has the ability to change into any object imaginable."
      What follows is a collection of random photos, including people,
cars, lamps, dogs, cliffs and seagulls. "Are these all evidence of Morph
infiltrating our society? You can't prove they aren't. Sure, Morph can
easily claim to not have been in these photos at these times, but can
you believe someone who poses as a lamp? As we all learnt from Deep
Space Nine, Changlings can't be trusted."
      Change to Alice Knewbee. "Morph? Yeah, nice guy. Tries hard, but
doesn't quite get it, you know? I think he had a lot of problems a while
ago, but being in the Alt.Riders has helped him a lot. Agent sort of
took Morph under his wing, and only good things have happened since
      "Good things?" Chris asks. "As we found out from one person, good
things can be a relative term."
      Cut to a shadow in a room, identity protected. "Um, yeah, there was
this time when I thought there was this car following me about the
place. Whenever I turned around, it, like, wouldn't be there, but
there'd be like a fire hydrant, or a dumpster, or a man-hole cover or
something, which I could swear had just stopped moving. Yeah, so it
could have been this Morph guy, like you said, yeah." There is a
movement as the shadow obviously pops some pills into his mouth.
      "More and more we see evidence for terrorism and bad fashion from
the Alt.Riders. After the break, the mystery that is Dva, revealed at
      Superhero vox-pop: Sig.Lad looks at the camera strangely as he says
"Never heard of 'em, they must've gone active after I died. Hey,
wait...how did you find me?"
      Fourth Wall Lass runs her hand through her hair as she says :Well,
actually, after all the crap that their Writer's dumped on them, frankly
I'm impressed that they're all so well adjusted.  It's no wonder the
Net.Elementalist comes over and just hands out with us in our series,
where he doesn't have to worry about being beaten over the head with all
that paranoid conspiracy theory stuff.  You did know that their Enright
got voted 'Writer Most Hated By His Own Characters Award, didn't you?"

[Ad: The Ultimate Ninja is on screen. After a moment glowering at the
camera, he holds up an Ultimate Ninja dolls and states woodenly. "Come
and join in the fun at the LNHQ...LNH HQ...whatever. Yes, you too can
experience what it is like to be a superhero." Ultimate Ninja waggles
the doll in what is supposed to be an enthusiastic and joyful way.
"Collect them all."
      An announcer says "Available at all Waffle Palaces across the
country. Offer void where offered." Underneath the talking, the Ultimate
Ninja stalks offs, muttering something that can be barely heard, but
sounds like "Publicity Kid" and "major dismemberment".]

Montage of Dva follows. "Dva, perhaps the most mysterious of the
Alt.Riders, is certainly the most confusing. Reports would have us
believe that Dva is both male and female, and there are some witnesses
that have claimed to see Dva change from one gender to the other, but
there are limits to what even we can accept."
      Back to the studio. "We asked Alice Knewbee about this supposed
      Back to Alice Knewbee. "What? What do you think? Let me put it this
way, what is more likely? That there are two people who share the same
superhero name, and whom you never see together at any one moment, but
they can swap out from one to the other at less than a moments notice
that would put the power of transporters to shame?
      "Or that they are indeed one and the same person, combined in some
bizarre accident that somehow mixed their bodies together, and they can
change from one to the other with a thought and, indeed, can share
      "Really? What makes more sense?"
      Back to the studio. "Is this an elaborate charade portrayed by the
Alt.Riders in a bid to confuse and befuddle people so that they would
then accept any outrageous proposal by this team about the supervillains
they would claim credit for defeating?"
      "Makes sense to me, Chris."
      "Indeed it does, Robin. But to save our audience from falling for
their trap, we have found earlier references to these people and will
refer to them by those names."
      "The male has been associated with the name Silence. We believe
this is because he keeps quiet about the activities he has been involved
with. Mob connects? Murder hits? He isn't saying, and that speaks
      "Silence has just as shadowy a past. We can find no historical
evidence of his existence other than witness testimony to waking up at
night and hearing complete silence. Is this his modus operandi for
infiltrating people's homes and stealing their property? So far we have
no clear proof of that, but it is only a matter of time."
      "The other Dva sometimes goes under the name Softcentre, and we do
know more about her. In fact, we here at Fox.Net have a world exclusive.
We have evidence of just who the person behind the superhero is."
      Over a photo of Softcentre, Robin continues. "Putting together thin
clues and dry trails, we managed to composite a defining picture of the
woman behind the overalls. For the first time, here on Fox.Net, we
reveal the secret behind Softcentre. She is, in fact..."
      The first photo is squashed into the left side of the frame while
another picture comes into the right hand side, of an old white lady,
sitting in a rocking chair, knitting. "Mrs. Gladys Emmanuelle of
Brighton County."
      "That's right, we have conclusive evidence about this, and any
reports you may have heard about Marsha Burgenstock on other networks
are completely without foundation and her lawyers will be contacting
them soon. In the meantime, with the evidence her lawyers supplied us,
we finally tracked down Mrs. Gladys Emmanuelle. We take you now to an
interview we recorded with her earlier."
      The picture becomes a shot from a steadicam, from inside a car. The
car pulls up in front a house with a crunch of tire on dirt, and the
picture jumps as the cameraman gets out of the car.
      "Quick, quick, get after her, before she gets away."
      The image is a jarring mess of gravel and legs. A brief shot of a
woman in a tight green skirt and matching jacket with a microphone is
seen, but the focus quickly steadies on an old woman in a rocking chair,
namely Mrs. Gladys Emmanuelle.
      "Mrs. Emmanuelle, Mrs. Emmanuelle, Susan Halley, Fox.Net." Susan
quickly comes to a halt in front of the rocking chair, and thrusts the
microphone under Mrs. Emmanuelle's nose. "We have come for the truth,
Mrs. Emmanuelle, and won't go away without it."
      In a quavering voice, Mrs. Emmanuelle replies, "Who are you? Did
Derek send you?"
      "Who is this Derek? Does he cover for you while you are away?"
      "He's my son. Such a dear. He takes care of everything for me. Are
you from the supermarket?"
      "We are from Fox.Net, and we know the truth, Mrs. Emmanuelle. We
know that you are really Dva from the team the Alt.Riders."
      "What's that, dear? The Outriders?"
      "No, the Alt.Riders, a legally distinct group that does not in
anyway infringe upon the name of a copyrighted DC Comics comic group."
      "Oh dear, I don't think he's here. Have you tried next door?"
      "Mrs. Emmanuelle, these evasion tactics won't work. We know you are
Dva. What do you have to say to that?"
      "Dva? Sounds Russian. Don't like anything Russian. They're the Red
Menace, you know. Or was that the red weed? Such a terrible movie, you
know, Xenu would be very cross."
      "Er, yes, it was. But we're talking about Dva of the Alt.Riders."
      "I'm afraid I don't know him. Have you tried next door?"
      Susan turns and looks at the camera. "I think we have all the
evidence we need right here. Mrs. Gladys Emmanuelle refuses to answer
the simple question, what else is more damming than that?"
      Back to the studio. "We hope the audience will make up their own
mind, but we urge you to consider our evidence and contact your lawyer
before making any accusations."
      "Coming up, the most mysterious Alt.Riders of all. Next, on The
Alt.Riders Exposed."
      Superhero vox-pop: WikiBoy twitches slightly as he replies "I think
the Alt.Riders aren't as bad as everidiotsyone says they are.  They are
in fact dangerous criminals and should be apprehended because Master
Blaster rulez the roozt."
      The camera swings around to the boom mike operator as he mutters 
"Must be an edit war going on."

[Ad: Where can you hear the latest in monkey news? Where can you hear
interviews with Jennifer Michael Hecht and Phil Plait? Where can you
hear the story behind flat earth misconceptions and intelligent design?
      From deep inside the Den of Truth at Bat Pig studios:
      Truth in Podcasting.

A montage of Net.Elementalist photos is under the next narration. "The
Net.Elementalist was one of the last to join the Alt.Riders, with only
both Dva's and Missy joining later. But he has quickly made a name for
himself with the sheer amount of destruction that he has caused. As one
witness said earlier, he was directly responsible for Germany banning
superheroes, for which we can blame the entire Alt.Riders.
      "He has also been linked to the destruction of the Wishful Star
building in Phila.DEL.phia, to the wiping out of the island of
Madagascar, and even the 9/11 attack bares many similarities to his
      Back to the studio. "Interestingly, Alice Knewbee was almost
reticent about the Net.Elementalist. Obviously his prowess for explosive
behaviour has alienated even a fellow journalist."
      On Alice Knewbee. "Yeah, I don't know much about him. He keeps to
himself, you know. And not really all that attractive close up, if you
know what I mean ladies. Talk about geeky. Trust me ladies, stay away
from him. I have warned you."
      "Certainly sounds like that to me. We approached members of Germany
about the events so long ago."
      Cut to various German people. "The Net.Elementalist? Nein, never
heard of him."
      "Wer? Net.Elementalist? Nein."
      "I'm sorry, I have to go."
      Back to the studio. "Clearly this was a cover up by the German
people of a horrendous event in their past of which they are mortally
      "Yes, and that's so highly unusual of them."
      "Quite. But now we turn to the most mysterious Alt.Rider of them
all. The scientist known as Missy about whom we know absolutely
      Photo montage of Missy. "She is a Chub from an alien planet, who
showed up during one of the earlier intensive periods of Alt.Rider
activities. She is very smart, and is able to absorb new ideas at an
amazing rate. During a visit to Stanford University, she had this to
      The picture changes to very bad footage, with a blurred patch
covering the station id which this was taped from when it aired on TV.
"I very impressed with facilities here. Much powerful computers. Hope to
understand them, maybe use them on my planet."
      "And there we see what the ultimate agenda of Missy really is.
She's here to infiltrate and learn our technology and then use it to
boost her own planet's resources in an undoubted attempt to overthrown
and then enthrall our own planet."
      "We tried to report our conclusions to the Federal Government, but
they dismissed our findings as rabid musings from people with more mush
than brains, but we are fairly certain that isn't true."
      "Alice Knewbee knew Missy very well."
      Cut to Alice Knewbee. "Unfortunately, I don't know Missy that well.
She was quite hard to get to know, being from another planet and
everything. From what I can tell, she's an amazingly intelligent woman,
but unless you can talk to her on her level, any conversation with her
is very hard going.
      "I remember that one time, I was trying to show her how to cook a
simple flan, but she ended up taking the toaster apart and rewiring it
to be a small teleporter than can send toast over the internet."
      "Amazing stuff," Robin continued. "And scary. We asked a random
expert how far this could go."
      "Well, you know, when you consider the full range of information
available, and the ability of the human mind, not that we are dealing
with a human mind here, and the full extent of the her alien mind isn't
known, but with that caveat, using the human mind, which is the only
mind of which we have full and proper information, the amount of
knowledge that can be absorbed does indeed have a theoretical upper
limit, and so we can posit that there is a limit to the amount of
knowledge she could absorb, but that limit can't be fully determined
because we are dealing with an alien mind, and so we can't really say."
      Back in the studio. "And we consider that to the final word on the
matter. When we come back, we'll review what we have exposed, here on
The Alt.Riders Exposed, and have some final thoughts for your
      Superhero vox-pop: Writer's Block Woman waves cheerily at the
camera as she says "I love the Alt.Riders! Especially their last single,
it's my favourite. I _always_ choose it when we go out on karaoke
      The Dvandom Stranger stikes a suitable pose as he announces "Once I
might have given an extensive interview on the subject, complete with
amusing anecdotes and highly illustrative bon mots. But for now, I must
remain...."  (Everyone else on the street shouts, "A STRANGER!") 
"...what they said."

[Ad: Flashy lights and lots of zooms. "Get the great new special
edition, out now! Wonderful ten disc version! More commentaries than on
any other collection! Get behind the scenes extras, and exclusive
interviews with everyone on the cast and crew! Outtakes! Bloopers! More
deleted scenes than ever before! Get it now while stocks last!
      "Movie sold separately."]

Back to the studio. "Welcome back to The Alt.Riders Exposed. We asked
journalist Alice Knewbee for some final thoughts."
      On Alice Knewbee. "Remember that these people are superheroes in
the best sense of the word. They do their best to protect the peoples of
the world in the only way they know how. They're human...well, some of
them are human, so they can't always do everything right.
      "Yes, things go wrong. Sometimes, unfortunately, explosions happen
and sometimes there are casualties. But they are doing their damndest to
make sure the villains are put in their place, and nothing you can say
will stop them on that mission."
      Back to the studio. "We have found the best way to stop them from
that mission. Not in the slightest taking the smallest hint from the
Doom Patrol and Superman, we have copyrighted the name Alt.Riders before
they could. If they continue to use that name, we can sue them for
misuse of Fox.Net property."
      "So far we have not heard of the Alt.Riders withdrawing their use
of the name, and nor have we had an apology. Until then, we will be
filing a lawsuit against them."
      "As you have seen on our show, they are directly linked to several
incidents of violence, and it is our duty to stop them, and this will do
just that."
      "And stay tuned for a repeat of the Flicker Special: The Kitten
That Stole Hollywood's Heart."
      "For Fox.Net, I'm Chris Kendoll."
      "And I'm Robin Gusher."

Under the ending credits is more witness testimony:
      Witness No. 202. "Yeah, then Altridders took down the local bar,
and, and, that was really bad, and, and, I was without alcohol for
around an hour or so. Man, that was really terrible."
      Witness No. 21. "And this one time, at band camp, we had this evil
conductor. He was all like 'You shall play forever!', only, like, he was
much worse, 'cos he yelled at us and stuff. And the Alt.Riders came in,
and, like, took him out. And then, they wouldn't listen to us play, and
that was the worst."
      Witness No. 54. "I saw them, and they come down that alleyway over
there, and they shot this big burst of fire, and BLAM, there was flame
everywhere, then somehow this hand just reached in and picked that guy
up, and he was safe, but the litter caught on fire, and I was trying to
point that out to them, I was like "Dude, look at that, over there.
Fire, dude, fire," but they weren't interested, then this guy just hit
me, and it could have been one of them, I couldn't tell."
      Witness No. 105. "I really like them. I wouldn't trust them to
drive my car, and I think they should all be shot, but no, I like them."


Vel interviewed by Jesse Willey.
Limp-Asparagus Lad and Fourth Wall Lass interviewed by Saxon Brenton
Writer's Block Woman and Mouse interviewed by Jaelle
WikiBoy interviewed by Tom Russell
Sig.Lad and Dvandom Stranger interviewed by Dvandom

Jamas Enright
"Answers answered and questions questioned."
Homepage: http://www.eyrie.org/~thad/
Blue Light Productions homepage: http://www.eyrie.org/~thad/blip/

"If a great state has decided by law that twice two is five, it would be
foolish to allow mathematicians to testify." - Comment during the Scopes
Monkey Trial.

More information about the racc mailing list