[LNH/ACRA] The Road To Killfile Wars #2
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Sun Sep 18 17:09:21 PDT 2005
Deliah fell down on the keyboard of her computer. The cold gray
control panel was dimly lit. She adjusted the lights as the door
behind her opened. Screw You Over Lad stepped toward her with a large
PDA in his hand. On one section of its monitor was a progress report
on several assignments he was working on. The main section was
displaying a book.
"You still reading that dumb book," she asked.
"La Mort de' Arthur is not a dumb book. It's an epic
masterpiece," he said. "Though not as good as Sword in the Sword.
I remember my father watching it with me when I was a little boy."
"Our father... watch a movie with his child? Somehow I doubt it,"
"It's true. He was proud of me... well... before... y'know,"
Deliah raised her eyebrow.
"Don't worry, Lazlo. You have a family now. A real family. A
sister and an uncle... and maybe we'll get lucky and one of our other
sisters and god brother will join us," Deliah said. "So, how go
"The extracted cell sample is in nanoincubator now, sis," he said.
"The payload?" she said.
"ETA to the Dorfan system in 38 hours twenty two minutes," he
"Excellent," she said. 'If our little family doesn't come
"... we'll destroy them," he said.
The Road to Killfile Wars #3 of 12
By Jesse N. Willey
Plot by Jesse N. Willey and Tom Russell Jnr.
Rick stared down at communication card. He had left it buzzing for
several moments. Not knowing whether to answer it or not. He wanted
it to be Carolyn so badly. On the other hand he dreaded it. With a
gasp and a wheeze, he pressed the button.
To his surprise a half human half-dorf was staring back at him.
"Uh... Guy Redundant Man?" he asked.
"Yeah?" he said.
"My name is Vel... I was a member of The Team for about five
minutes," he said.
"Yes," Rick said. "I remember you. Whattya want?"
"You reported a super crime to the Sig.ago police last night. I was
investigating a crime spree with a similar modus operandi. I was
wondering if you could forward any sensor data you may have taken,"
"No problem," Rick said as he pressed a few buttons.
Vel looked up.
"Just what I thought," Vel said.
"What? What did you find?" Rick shouted. "Who did this?"
"Look, buddy, calm down," Vel said.
"I will not calm down... until justice is done," Rick said.
"You have my word as a dorfan warrior that the LNH is doing all that
is necessary to.." Vel responded.
"Look, I don't give a damn about anything you or the Mickey Mouse
Club over in Net.tropolis are doing," Rick said. "And if you ever
call me buddy again I will stick my metal snow shovel so far up your
ass that you'll need dental surgery to get it out."
"Killfile. Deliah Joy Killfile," he said. "But she may have
"Thank you," Rick said.
He began to lower his finger back toward the off button.
"Wait... wait... you don't have all the informa..." Vel said as
the communicator went click.
Tyler wandered the sub-sub-sub-sub-basements of LNH HQ. The incident
with the zombies was over but it had taken quite a horrible toll. He
didn't like to think about what happen to the others... Arlie,
Michette, and poor, poor Speed. It was all too much to contemplate.
So it was down in the bowls of the building that he wandered day in and
day out. He probably knew more about them than anyone this side of
Kid Occultism 2.
"Tyler Bridge..." a voice echoed.
"Huh? What?" he said.
A man in overalls with a bucket on his head was standing behind him.
"My name is Appleseed. We've met before... though I refused to
touch you," he said. "I doubt you'd remember."
"I see.. and why is that exactly?" he said.
"You were half dead at the time," Appleseed said.
"No need to explain. I'm a fan of William Goldman," Tyler said.
"What is it with you and your pop culture references," Appleseed
"Well... it helps to be trendy," Tyler snapped.
"I was being rhetorical," Appleseed said. "Now come.."
"Oh no... mysterious people who just show up out of nowhere always
have some sort of hidden agenda. I learned my lesson with Chatilon.
I'm not making that mistake again. I want to know who you are."
"Some call me Johnny Appleseed. Others know me as Death. For
reason I don't want to get into, I'd prefer the Grim Seeder,"
"So you're Death? Because a friend of a friend of mine became
death," Tyler responded. "And you're no Death."
Johnny Appleseed held to door to the stairs. Tyler stepped through
and proceeded downward. Appleseed followed him.
"Perhaps I merely took a vacation and left a bunch of pissy interns
to do the work only they forgot the most important part of the job.
Or perhaps I am but one facet of Death... of an unknown number of
extensions of a greater whole. Or perhaps the mere man unwittingly
tapped my power and knew not his true purpose. Maybe, just maybe, I am
his successor. To tell the truth, Mister Bridge, I don't give a
rat's ass what you think my origins may be. Just know this... events
will be happening at a brisk pace from here on in. I am one of many
entities who have hid your existence from the so called 'Afterlife
Police'. I feel I am owed," he said.
"Owed what?" Tyler asked.
"Very soon a young woman will have to make a very important choice.
One that could lead to her salvation or destruction. But in order for
that choice to be truly her own, an item must be located from a land
where men dare not go...," said Johnny.
"I'm always willing to help a lady in distress," he said.
"Good," Johnny said.
"So what do I have to get and where do I find it?" he said.
"A sword... or rather THE sword. As for its current location...
the first task to find it can be found at Arlington National Cemetery
inside the fires of the eternal flame," Appleseed said.
"One more question..." Tyler said.
"Why do they always say that," Johnny muttered.
"Is he dead?" Tyler asked.
"No... though he may wish he was," Johnny said.
Rick walked into the hospital room. Amelia was laying there
unconscious. Terrence was sitting in a chair half asleep.
"She'll be alright," Terrence said.
"Of course," Rick said. "She's immortal."
"Look, Rick... I'm... I'm sorry," he said.
"No you're not," Rick said. "But don't worry about it."
"I guess I deserve that," he said. "So, how long have you loved
Rick looked toward Amelia and then turned his face to the floor.
"I've loved Amelia since I was a boy. Since I was about twelve or
so," Rick said.
"I wasn't talking about her. I was talking about Carolyn,"
"Since long, long, before that..." Rick said.
Carolyn stepped into the room. She took one glance and then took a
chair between them. She made a haphazard glance at Rick and then
turned to face Terrence.
"So what are you two talking about?" Carolyn asked.
"Nothing," Terrence said.
"Carolyn... I need your help. We have to find Deliah and make her
pay," Rick said.
"What? How do you know she's even involved?" Carolyn asked.
"An acquaintance in the LNH," he said.
"So, what are we waiting for," Terrence replied. "Let's
"We'll need someone to guard Amelia. Just in case," Carolyn
Samuel Forge-Coffee sat at lunch. He took the cellophane wrap off his
sandwich and added it to a big rolled up ball he'd been hiding for
days. It was a fun game.
"Don't worry, Mister Seran Wrap... I'm sure we'll get enough
to help you today," he said.
"Ha-ha! Look at Coffee, talking to his sandwich wrap again..."
one of the other kids shouted.
"Why don't you show them that you're real?" Sammy said.
The seran wrap ball said nothing.
"What do you mean you can't?" Sammy replied.
The ball just sat there.
"What do you mean I'm magic?" he said.
Sammy spotted some unattended refuse. He quickly swiped the used
sandwich wrap and added it the ball. The ball began to pulsate and
grow. Soon a five odd foot man shaped blob took its place. All the
children, save for Sammy, ran for the emergency exit's in the back of
"Thanks a lot kid," the blob said. "If you ever need my help,
don't be afraid to ask."
The children came screaming back into the building. They were
screaming about a series of glowing ball and exploding cars.
"Umm... how about now, Mister Seran Wrap," Sammy said.
"The name is Richardson, kid. Speed Richardson," the transparent
Deliah walked down into Doctor I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter's
laboratory. It was easy to tell from the design that it had taken
millions of dollars to put together the top of the line facility.
"How goes project Mordred?" Deliah asked.
"We've hit a small snag," I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter
"What sort of snag?"
"Due to the variance in types of immortality of between the two
parental samples, I'll need more time to incubate the sample to
ensure stability," I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter stammered.
"How much more time?" Deliah asked.
"Two months," he said.
"So, you're saying in total it will take four months to continue
growing?" she said.
"Yes," he said.
"It was not completely unexpected," she said. She got onto her
communication card. "Lazlo. Step up the time tables up Operations
Payload, Windmill and Milk Carton."
To Be Continued...
Deliah Joy Killfile, Terrence Coffee, Carolyn Forge-Coffee, Samuel
Forge-Coffee, Tyler Bridge and Speed Richardson created by Tom Russell
Jnr. Screw You Over Lad, Vel, The Grim Seeder, Amelia Chesterfield
and Rick Henkerton created by Jesse N. Willey. Doctor
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter created by Dane Martin. This
document is copyright Jesse N. Willey.
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