[LNH/ACRA] Deja Dude / Master Blaster Special #7

Martin Phipps martinphipps2 at yahoo.com
Sun Nov 27 07:09:18 PST 2005

       Deja Dude / Master Blaster Special #7
    Deja Dude and Master Blaster Go Hollywood #7

  "And we're back!  I'm Deja Dude!"
  "Yeah.  And I'm Master Blaster."
  "Hey, Rob, what's wrong?  You look a little down."
  "It's nothing."
  "No, come on, tell me, what's wrong?"
  "It's just something WikiBoy said."
  "He's the latest in a long line of Tom Russell
creations that Tom Russell will later forget he ever
created when somebody gives him his own limited
  "Oh.  I see.  So what did he say?"
  "He said that my fascination with large breasts
showed -- and I quote -- 'a tremendous amount of bad
faith in the sanctity of your marriage vows'."
  "I see.  And did you then pull out a very large gun
and blow him away?"
  "Okay.  So, Rob, has it occured to you that you
might not be the real Master Blaster but a robot
  "No no no.  We already played out that scenario in
the last add-on cascade, remember?"
  "But the Master Blaster I know wouldn't have stood
for such an insult."
  "Well, I did give him large breasts."
  "Aha!  What did he say to that?"
  "I just told you.  It was the fact that I gave him
large breasts that inspired the comment.  So I figured
he might have had a point with regard to the
implication that I was overly obsessed with breasts."
  "Yeah, okay, but still... is this Wikiboy himself
  "Not that I know."
  "So where does he get off...?"
  "My guess is that he was channeling the opinion of
the writer of said issue, namely Tom Russell."
  "Ah.  It all makes sense now."
  "How so?"
  Deja Dude smiled.  "To Tom, his wife may represent
the ideal woman that he wishes his mother could have
  "You mean he's whipped?"
  "I mean that, in my case, I'm not living at home
anymore so I don't need anybody telling me what not to
hide under the bed, so to speak."
  "Hmm.  Good point.  Hey!  You know what we should
do?  Instead of just revieing movies, we should give
marital advice!"
  "It would be the last thing anybody would expect
from us!  Okay, you first!"
  "Right!  First, you have to find the right woman!"
  "My ideal woman has had a lot of experience!  She
knows what she wants and she's not shy about telling
you!  And she's willing to give you whatever you want
so long as she gets it!"
  Deja Dude nodded.  "Okay.  My ideal woman has been
careful.  In this day and age, you can't afford to
risk your health.  A woman who gives it up easily must
therefore be eyed with suspicion."
  "Dude!  Did you just like completely contradict me?"
  "Not at all!  I'm just saying that your ideal woman
needs to be checked for STDs before you go ahead and
actually get, you know, what it is that you want."
  "Dude, you have a nasty habit of giving Tom Russell
advice and then sequing into a comment about screwing
girls bareback."
  Deja Dude sighed.  "Moving on.  So now you're
married and you don't want any arguments with your
wife.  What do you do?"
  "That's a tough one!"
  "It's easy!  Whenever she's about to accuse you of
something, you jump the gun and accuse her of the same
thing!  You argue for a few minutes only to 'forgive'
  "Brilliant!  If you forgive her then she has to
forgive you!"
  "We need to do a role play in order to show the
people out there how this works!"
  "Okay, you be Imelda."
  "Okay.  Here goes!  Ahem.  Hey!  What's this I found
in the DVD player?  'Asian Honeys 6'?  That's porn,
  "Um.  Hey!  What's this in the CD player?  A Ricky
Martin CD!"
  "Don't change the subject!"
  "So you like Ricky Martin, huh?"
  "Maybe you _love_ Ricky Martin, hmm?"
  "I think you like Ricky Martin more than me!"
  "Maybe you wish we weren't married so you could be
with Ricky Martin!"
  "No!  I love you!"
  "I don't believe you!"
  "No, really, I love you!  Don't be so jealous! 
Please!  Believe me!"
  "Okay then I'll sigh and say 'Okay, I believe you! 
I'm sorry I was so jealous!"
  "Yeah then she'll say 'Me too.  I'm sorry.'"
  "I love you!"
  "I love you too!"
  "Hey!  Get off me, man!"
  "Sorry!  I was just really into the role play."
  "Yeah, well, the role play's over."
  "Say, this reminds me of a movie I saw recently. 
It's called _Straight Man's Burden_"
  "I think you mean _White Man's Burden_ with John
Travolta and Harry Belafonte, a story set in a world
where the roles of white and black people are
  "No, I mean _Straight Man's Burden_, a new movie set
in a world in which the roles of straight and gay
people are reversed.  Here's a clip."

GUY 1: Hey, did you guys hear about Elton John?
GUY 2: What about him?
GUY 1: I hear he's straight.
GUY 3: Ew.  Do we have to talk about this?
GUY 1: No, really, I hear he wants to marry his
GUY 4: What?  You mean they legalised straight
marriage in England?
GUY 3: That's just gross.
GUY 2: Maybe he just wants to have kids?
GUY 1: No, I hear they're really in love.
GUY 3: It's just not natural.
GUY 4: Do you think they'll ever legalize straight
marriage here?
GUY 3: God I hope not!
GUY 1: What's the big deal?
GUY 3: If straight people get married then what's
going to stop them from having lots and lots of kids? 
Pretty soon they're be more of them then us!
GUY 2: Straight people don't always give birth to
straight kids you know.
GUY 1: Actually, he might have a point.  I mean, think
about it.  There must have been a time when people
didn't plan to have kids, a time when guys had sex
with women because they actually wanted to.
GUY 3: How perverted is that?
GUY 1: I don't see the big deal.  I mean, there are
plenty of straight animals.  If you think about it,
there have to be!  I mean does a dog know he's going
to make puppies when he...?
GUY 3: Can we please just talk about something else?
GUY 1: I'm just saying I don't see anything wrong with
straight people.
GUY 3: Really.  Is that so?  So, tell me, are _you_
GUY 1: Me?  Hell no!

  "Um, okay, what made you want to see that?"
  "Well, you know Frat Boy?"
  "What about him?"
  "I think he might be gay."
  "Why do you say that?"
  "Well, he had sex with a guy."
  "And then he told me that I should be able to accept
him regardless of his sexuality."
  "So I dpn't know if I can hang out with him now."
  "What?  Did you not get the point of that movie?"
  "What do you mean?"
  "You need to accept people for who they are.  How
would you like living in a world where everybody else
is gay and they're telling you that you have to be gay
too, that you can't be straight."
  "Yeah.  That would suck."
  "So, tell me, did you ever actually see Harry Potter
and the Goblet of Fire?"
  "I wasn't going to review it."
  "That bad?"
  "No.  Just disturbing."
  "How so?"
  "The Tri-Wizard tournament reminded me of an
incident I once saw at the Summer Olympics, or rather
while watching the Summer Olympics on TV.  A Russian
diver was diving from a platform.  Not a board but a
concrete platform.  So when he jumped up and did an
axel in mid air it was actually quite dangerous.  He
hit his head on the platform.  They say he was dead by
the time he hit the water."
  "The changed the rules after that.  They said that
the kind of dive he performed -or rather had tried to
perform- would be banned.  That nobody would ever
attempt it again.
  "So I'm watching this movie and we're told that the
Tr-Wizard tournament is very dangerous.  That people
die in this tournament."
  "I get it.  So if it's so dangerous then why do it?"
  "Exactly.  And that took me right out of the movie. 
I couldn't suspend my disdelief.  I couldn't believe
that they would have people undergoing dangerous tasks
if they knew there was a chance somebody would get
killed.  And then when somebody _was_ killed and
everybody was shocked I thought 'Oh come on!'.  And
all because of that comment early in the movie that
somebody could get killed."
  "Bummer.  So how do you think the series is going to
end.  I mean if the seventh book is the last?"
  "I don't know.  I get the feeling everything's going
to go to hell in the end.  Maybe that's the point
Rawlings is ultimately trying to make, that magic is
dangerous and not to be trifled with."
  "Hmm.  I don't know.  I think it'll end happily.  I
think Harry will come full circle and sacrafice
himself to save his friends in the same way that his
parents sacraficed themselves to save him."
  "How is that a happy ending?"
  "Because then Harry will go on to heaven, or
whereever it is where good wizards go, and be reunited
with his parents."
  "Could be.  In fact, oops, we might have just
spoiled the next Harry Potter book for everybody!"
  "I don't think that's a problem.  I mean people go
see the movies and the books have been out for years."
  "I guess so.  Anyway, I see we're almost out of disk
space.  We'd better wrap this up."
  "Right.  I'm Master Blaster."
  "And I'm Deja Dude.  Until next time!"
  "So you're going to somebody else next time?"
  "Rob, we already did that joke."

                              THE END

Deja Dude and Master Blaster created by Martin Phipps
Wikiboy (soon to be featured in his own limited
series!) created by Tom Russell.


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