[LNH/Acra] Road To Killfile Wars #9

cabbagewielder at yahoo.com cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Sun Nov 6 16:34:19 PST 2005

As the nanoincubator pulsated and bubbled, Amelia stared at her legs.
A few moments ago Deliah Killfile detached them from her body.   The
wounds had healed on her immortal coil but it would months or maybe
years before she regrew her limbs.   Deliah hadn't left.   She just
stood there, hands half charged with energy bolt ready to make another
incision.     Eventually the pain was too much to think about and she
turned her eyes back to the incubator.

	"What is that?" she asked.
 	"Like I said when we last spoke," she said.  "A tool."

	The incubator took a more human shape.

	"Deliah, it's preparing to hatch," Doctor
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter said.
	"Excellent...." She said.  Her voice began to take a cooing
motherly tone. "You'll be a good little boy, won't you
	"Mordred?" Amelia asked.
	"Yes... it was Lazlo's idea really.   He's a big fan of King
Arthur stories," Deliah said.  "Though the boys name is meaningless
to me as long he does his job."

	Amelia did a quick replay of every medieval fantasy story she had ever

	"Good god.  That's my son.  You're going to kill Terrence,"
she said.

	The Road to Killfile Wars #9 of 12
	Blood in the Water
	By Jesse N. Willey

	Dalton sat in the RV.   He sat relaxing with a book he considered to
be the most sacred text ever written.   UFOs, JFK and Elvis:
Conspiracies You Don't Have to Be Crazy To Believe.   The only fault
he found the book is that its author, some TV cop, didn't quite go
far enough.   It didn't even mention the OSS hiring on Orson Wells
for War of the Worlds or the real cause of Gulf War Syndrome....
Extremely high doses of the experimental food stuff Elestra.

	"Ah.... Nothing like some time to sit back with a good book," he
muttered to himself as he refastened the tin foil around his head.

	   There was a loud shrak sound in the RV's main cabin.   Dalton
reached into his knapsack before getting out of the drivers seat to
take a look.  Screw You Over Lad was standing in the middle of the

	"Dalton Asters?  You have information I need," he said.
	"Ah... so you're 'The Unlucky Man' that my horoscope warned me
about," Dalton said.  He pulled a pistol out of his knapsack and
aimed it Screw You Over Lad.
	"I wouldn't point that if I were you.  I manipulate bad luck.  I
could change that course of that bullet so it would--" he said.
	"I know what you could do.  But look at me.  I've spent the past
twelve years get abducted by aliens, chased by cults, possessed by
demons and worst of all I can never get the fucking drink I want out of
a soda machine.  I always have to go with Sprite instead.  So do you
really think you could make my life any worse?" Dalton asked.  "So
you have to ask yourself... do you feel lucky, punk?"
	"I like a chall-," Screw You Over Lad said.

	Dalton fired a shot.   Before Screw You Over Lad could deflect the
bullet it had gone through his sinus.   Screw You Over Lad fell to the
ground.  If he wasn't dead already he soon would be.   Dalton himself
was miraculously clean. The rest of his RV was a mess.

	"Damn and that gun wasn't even loaded," he said.

	He glimpsed at label on the bullets in the open knapsack.   He smiled.
 'Oswald's Magic Bullets- Established 1963'.   He should have
figured as much.  He'd swiped the gun of the Regal 13 agents in the
Cracker Jack Warehouse a month before.

   He grabbed the cellphone that Tyler had left behind and dialed the
Homeland Security Hotline.

	"Normally," he thought.  "I wouldn't deal with them.  But
it's not my phone."


	Carolyn stared at the sword.   She understood it now.  This sword
could undo the curse of the spear of destiny.   It had gone through
hundreds of quests through the ages and had been carried by hundreds of
men and women throughout history.

	"This sword is..." she said.
	"Yes.  It is.   Consider it a gift," Appleseed said.
	"Don't do it Carolyn.  He's lying.   These kinds of gifts always
come with a price tag," Electra shouted.

	Carolyn let the blade of the sword hover inches above her skin.

	"Give me one good reason why I should listen to you!" Carolyn
	"The sword is yours.  Do with it as you wish.   Suffer eternally or
live- truly live- knowing that one day that life will one day end.   If
I were you, I know which one I'd chose," Appleseed said.
	"Carolyn... don't," Electra said.

	Carolyn let the sword drop a ever so slightly close to her flesh.
	"Live and love, Carolyn Forge," Appleseed said.  "Think of your
son.  He doesn't have the immortality.   Do you really wish to
outlive him?  Or Rick?"
	"Carolyn... don't.  Remember when I got my sense of touch back?
Do you remember what it cost me?   What it cost all of us?  This man is
no better than Janice Kult," Electra said.

	Carolyn let the sword slip from her fingers.   Electra quickly shot
the Excalibur with a lightning bolt.   She missed and Carolyn's
fingers when flying off.   The sword pierced Caroyln's skin.   Body
went from a ripe young seventeen to a no less attractive but much older
twenty three in seconds.  The fingers regrew as well.

	"Shit!" Electra shouted.


	In Sig.ago a boy with kidney disease who had been cured by Carolyn
Forge's 'magic cure' died instantly.    As did four monkeys
Carolyn had in her lab.   Not to mention three Airmen stationed at
Wright-Patterson AFB's imfamous hangar eighteen and three elderly
women in a retirement home in Santa Barbera.  And minutes later, more
would follow.   Till all who had once been cured, who had been living
on borrowed time, felt the last tick of their watches.


	It had taken several minutes but the LNHers had the hyperspatial
corridor up and running.  Stomper and Adamant Authority on Everything
were placing the last of the wires in place.   Rick was set the
coordinates in place.   Even Deja Dude had been helping recheck the
math.  Master Blaster was just standing around.

	"Everything looks right," Deja Dude said.
	"Power is at normal," Stomper said.

	Carolyn and Electra burst into the room.

	"Alright then.  Let's get going," Electra said.
	"Ah... I was wondering when you two were going to show up," Rick
	"You knew I was coming?" Electra asked.
	"I had a hunch," Rick said.  "It's been awhile."
	"Yeah," Electra said.  "So..... you and Carolyn."
	"Yeah," he said.
	"Good.  You-you deserved better than me," she said.

	Stomper coughed.

	"We're ready when you are," he said.
	"I'll take two others with me for the first wave.   If we're not
back in twenty minutes, hit them with everything you've got," Rick
	"Nuke'em from orbit.  It's the only way to be sure.  Gotcha,"
said Master Blaster.
	"Carolyn, Electra-you're with me," Rick said.


	Dalton helped the Homeland Security Department haul away Screw You
Over Lad's corpse.   As the loaded the stretcher into the ambulance,
the vehicle exploded.   Screw You Over Lad stood up as the guard wrists
grinded away to dust.

	"Damn it, Asters, do you know how much of a bitch it is to come back
from the dead," Screw You Over Lad shouted.
	"Never tried it myself.   Though I knew a guy who knew a guy who's
uncle..." he quipped.

	A loose tire flew from the wreckage and struck Dalton in the face.

	"What was it you were saying about your life not getting any
worse?" asked Screw You Over Lad.

	The tinfoil blew off Dalton's head.

	"... the land of the freee..... and the home of the brave.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" Dalton screamed as he fell unconscious.


	Terrence looked across the area he was teleported in.  There was a
mace laying next to him.   It looked like Stonehenge only melted like
in a Dhali painting.  Yet the physical geometry was a bit off.
Gravity and spatial properties seem more Escheresque.    There were
point where dirt and fish blowing in the wind turned into monkeys and

	"Where am I?" he asked.

 	A tall muscular man stepped out from behind a pillar.

	"This father," he said.  "is where you die."

	   Next: Jump the Shark

	 Amelia Chesterfield, Screw You Over Lad, Dalton Asters and Rick
Henkerton, Appleseed and Mordred created by Jesse N. Willey.   Deliah
Killfile, Electra, Carolyn Forge and Terrence Coffee created by Tom
Russell Jnr.   Deja Dude and Master Blaster created by Martin Phipps.
Doctor Stomper and Adamant Authority on Everything are public domain.
This Document copyright Jesse N. Willey

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