[LNH] The Last Night Show with Peelix the Cat #1

[cabbagewielder at yahoo.com]

	The Last Night Show with Peelix the Cat 1 of 4
	By Jesse N. Willey and Dane Martin


	Down in the bowels of the LNH TV studio, there was a crappy matte
painting of a city filled up the screen.  A moon with a cat on it
appeared.    The shot panned out to a large crowd of people.

          "It's The Last Night Show with Peelix the Cat.
Tonight's guest is Dane Martin.   I'm Onion Lad along with Ultimate
Ninja, the One Man The Last Night Show Band!" whimpered Onion Lad.
"Now here's Peelix the Cat."

	Peelix walked out and urinated on the audience.

	"Some greeting Peelix," Onion Lad said.
	"You should talk.   I've heard better introductions from Radar
O'Riley," Peelix snarled.  "Attention all personnel...
tonight's movie is Day the Earth Stood Still..."
	"Huh?"
	"Any folks, any of you catch the news tonight?    Teenfactor is a
back and they think it's nineteen ninety-seven.    This is sad...
because they're about six weeks ahead of Saxon Brenton!"  Peelix
said.

	The one handed Ultimate Ninja gave a single drum beat.

	"Oh man, that's cold," Ninja snorted.
	"Anyone catch that Fox.Net special about the Alt.riders?   Well, we
managed to get our hands on some the footage that you didn't see.
Take a look," Peelix said.

	___________________________________

On the screen, Peelix the Cat is holding a microphone.

"The Alt.Riders, eh?    You want to know what I think about them?"
Peelix said.

He winked at the camera and peed on the lens.

	____________________________________

	"Anyway, it's time to bring out our guest.   He's already taken
a seat.  Here he is... you know him... You tolerate him... It's Dane
Martin," Peelix said.
        "Oh boy!  Peelix!  My favorite LNHer ever!" said Dane.
       "Well Dane, what did you think when you found out Tom Russell
was going to make Onion Lad transgendered in his draft of Onion Lad
#2?" Peelix said.
       "This is the first I've heard of it. I'm thrilled. Honored,
really. It's time my group got some respect in the comics field,"
Dane replied.
"I've heard you took offense at Onion Lad #1.   What exactly were
your problems?" Peelix asked.
        "Ebonics Lad reminded me too much of my childhood in rural
Indiana. He was just too much. He was completely unnecessary, and was
obviously the product of a naive and bigoted individual. Also,
Cheesecake Eater Lad was a glutton. That is just disgraceful. We don't
tolerate gluttons in the church," Dane said.
       "Speaking of Ebonics Lad, what did you think of his ultimate
fate?" Peelix asked.
        "I thought hiring Phil Silvers to cut him into tiny,
marketable pieces was a stroke of genius," Dane said.
        "He was turned into I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, man!
  What the hell are you on?" Peelix said.
 	"Fire!" Dane shouted.
	"I'll get someone over right away," Ultimate Ninja said.
        "I'll take care of it..." Peelix said.
	"No... urine has nitrates..." Ultimate said.
	"Oh yeah..." Peelix said. "This fire extinguisher might help."

	They sprayed Dane with the extinguisher and he coughed.

	"I didn't mean literally, you idiots!" he said.
	"Sorry," Peelix said.
	"No problem," Danehog said.
 	"So... Daney Boy, just where are the missing issues of Teacher
Legion?" Peelix whined.
        "That's a long story. Most RACC historians will say that I
printed them out, deleted the digital versions, and sent them to dying
Alaskan children, but I know in my heart that such a touching tale is
not true. Unfortunately, they never existed. I lied about them. I was
young and insecure. Prepubescent. There were no more Teacher Legion
issues than those of which I posted to RACC. However, there were many,
many bits and pieces of issues that could have been. I was afraid of
failure, even though I did it quite often without effort," Dane said
sheepishly.
        "So... what creative types influence you?" Ultimate Ninja
asked.
        "Dr. Seuss, Carl Barks, R. Crumb, George Herriman, Bill
Griffith, and Gary Panter are some influential people that come to
mind, even though most of them were and/or are emotionally unstable and
hated by at least one major social group. I think it also worth
mentioning that when I was fourteen I looked at some Internet
pornography and was so threatened by it that I have not looked at any
since," Dane said.
  	"Fourteen?  Aren't you a little old for a first look?"  Ninja
shouted.
  	"Let's move on," Peelix sighed. "What's your favorite
movie?"
 	 "Love and Death. The Woody Allen one. There are at least 14 movies
called Love and Death. But I'm talking about the Woody Allen one. The
one Woody Allen did. I also like every Marx Brothers movie except for
the one with 'Casablanca' in the title. I can't remember the full
title. A night at? A day in? An eternity spent thereupon?" Dane said.
  	"Yeah, that was pretty bad," said Onion Lad.
 	 "Groucho wasn't too pleased with it either," Peelix replied.
 	 "Will we ever see another issue of Enad Nitram's Comics and
Stories?" Onion Lad asked.  "It was almost as if it resonated with
some part of me."
	"No. Maybe if I was paid, or bribed in other common but immoral
ways.  But basically no," Dane said.
        "Damn it, Radar... this show is called The Last Night Show
with Peelix the Cat... not Last Night with Onion Lad.  Get your own
show," Peelix replied.
       "This question is obligatory but... you got trapped in comic
book land which one would you try to go out with... Betty or
Veronica?" Ninja asked.
       "Obviously Betty. If Jughead's girl friend wasn't an option. I
forget her name," Dane said.
       "Which one?  Ethyl who is probably Jughead's half sister or
Googie the health nut next door?" Peelix said.
       "I was thinking of Jughead's half sister, but Googie sounds
intriguing. It must be admitted that I have probably never read a full
issue of Archie Digest. My last contact with Archie involved a
dog-eared copy of a PALS N' GALS DIGEST from the rotting depths of my
grandfather's den. He calls it a den. I don't even really know what a
'den' is. It's a big closet. There's no light," Dane said.
        "Well, we're almost out of time," said Ultimate Ninja.
    	"Wait... I haven't had a chance to plug my new project yet,"
Dane said.
  	 "You mean that stupid comic strip in your high school paper?"
Ultimate Ninja said.
  	"No.... no... Find Your Path to Bliss Funnies... it's based a
script abandoned by Joseph Campbell and then by Buddha," Peelix said.
  	"Aren't they both dead?" Onion Lad said..
  	"And didn't Buddha die centuries BEFORE Campbell was even
born?" Ultimate Ninja asked.
  	"As I said, we're out of time.  Be here next time when we
interview....  " Peelix said.

                  The End.

____________________________________________________________________-
Ultimate Ninja created by wReam.  Onion Lad created by Tom Russell Jnr.
and Dane Martin.   Peelix the Cat created by Tom Russell Jnr. (though
he wishes he hadn't.) Dane Martin clips courtesy of Dane Martin.
Dane Martin is a registered trademark of The United States Council of
Diary Farmers.     Document copyright Jesse N. 'Not Jerry' Willey
and Dane 'Dean' Martin.