[BP] Pointless Posting Man #4

[drtimphd at gmail.com]

Boring Publiactions Presents...

Pointless Posting Man #4

By Tim Munn


Pointless Posting Man sat at his computer desk, racking his brain
trying to come up with the fabled 'post with a point'.  He felt that
the post was moving further and further away.  This made him quite
angry.  He slammed his finger on the enter button, jamming it
momentarily into the keyboard.  After a few moments of work, it became
freed, sending him to librarianwatch.org.
At librarianwatch.org, he'd posted about not being able to post
something with a point.  He waited for an answer, as there were quite a
few users on at that moment.  Finally, after five minutes, a user by
the name of Army_Guy_Rocks, responded.  'Kwiit poostin heer freek!!'
was the response received.  Pointless Posting Man almost nearly cried
as he closed the window.  It was useless; there was no point in making
a post with a point.  Pointless Posting Man went to room, his head hung
low.  He was in one of the biggest pits that he'd ever been in.

Pointless Posting Man woke up only three hours later, thinking of the
post with a point.  He just coudln't seem to get it out of his head.
It was driving him insane.  He decided to get out of bed, get on that
computer, and make a post with a point.  On the computer, he logged
back on to librarianwatch.org, reading yet another reply from
Army_Guy_Rocks: 'Goo bek huum reeturd!'  But Pointless Posting Man was
already home.  He was about to respond to Army_Guy_Rocks, when a
private message window popped up.  He clicked on the read now button,
and up popped the message.  'You really like monkeys and books.'
That was odd.  He closed the message, going back to the response he was
going to make.  He typed a few words, then felt a strange sensation
overtake his body.  He'd never felt anything like it.  Pointless
Posting Man got up, trying to make a run for the kitchen to take a
tylenol; anything to make his head feel right.  He was three-quarters
of the way to the kitchen, when he blacked out and fell to the floor.

Meanwhile... at the local library...
A dark, mysterious figure runs around the building.  He runs up to
several doors and grunts at them.  He raises his arms in anger when he
cannot gain entry through the front door.  He grunts some more, as a
car passes by.  He shooshes the car away with his arms.  Turning back
to the library, he runs around the building and into the back door.  He
becomes excited and grunts several times.  The door is open.

Later... opening time at the local library...
"Pete Hayes, Channel Thirty-Six News, reporting live from Children's
Day at the Library," Pete said, the camera cutting away to a shot of
the library.  "All right!  Librarian Man, Hot Librarian Chick, lets get
a shot of you two and a couple of the kids walking up the stairs", he
said, motioning them forward.  They did as they were told.  Librarian
Man took the key to the library out of his pocket, and handed it to one
of the youngsters.
"I'll let you do the honors, sir," he said to the boy.
He turned the ket and opened the door.  He looked happily to the inside
of the library, as Librarian Man motioned him in.  The boy went
immediately towards the childrens section to pick out some of his
favorites.  It was there that he saw HIM.  "Momma!!" he cried.
Librarian Man, Hot Librarian Chick, Pete Hayes and the boys' mother all
rushed to him.  "What's wrong, Junior?" his mother asked, worriedly.
He sobbed heavily as he told his mother about HIM.  "I saw a horrible
man, momma!  He was wearing his underpants on his head!  I can't see
now momma, I CAN'T SEE!!"  She took Junior into her arms, as HE walked
up.
"MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT THING?!" Pete screamed.
Librarian Man and Hot Librarian Chick gasped and Junior's mother nearly
fainted at HIS sight.  "It's not a thing, but a person," Librarian Man
returned.  He squinted his eyes, trying to get a better sight of the
man.  "Ah, yes!  A few months ago, a supposed police brutality case.
He was the victim, but the only thing was, there wasn't a single shred
of evidence," Librarian Man said, remembering the news story.
"Pointless Posting Man, what are you doing here?" Librarian Man asked.
Pointless Posting Man said nothing.  He did notice Hot Librarian Chick,
and began humping a nearby bookcase.
"Is there anything we can do to cure him?" Pete asked.
Pointless Posting Man grew agitated at Pete's questioning.  He ran
after Pete, backing him all the way to the entrance.  He walked to Hot
Librarian Chick, smelling her hair.  He grunted a few times.  Hot
Librarian Chick freaked out, which in turn, made Pointless Posting Man
freak out.  She ran away screaming, with Pointless Posting Man right
behind.
Librarian Man thought quickly, and logged onto the only site he knew
could help.  At librarianwatch.org he was amazed to find that Pointless
Posting Man had posted there only a few hours before.  He immediately
mailed the sites' administrator, whom he had a certain pull with.  In a
matter of minutes, he was able to get Pointless Posting Man's username
and password.  Librarian Man logged in to Pointless Posting Man's
account.  He went to his private messages first.  He was shocked by
what he saw.  The message was from Radical Librarians.  Those evil
doers were everywhere nowadays.  The message they'd sent was a hypnotic
suggestion in disguise.  That was it then.  Pointless Posting Man, in
his attempts to make a post with a point, had been hypnotized by the
Radical Librarians.
"Th-there's no hope for him," sobbed Librarian Man.

Later... at the local Zoo...
"Now, we don't want any children to view him!  There have been several
cases of SVL reported with this thing!" the Zookeeper said.
"What is SVL?" a mother with her children asked.
"That would be Spontaneous Vision Loss.  It's more prevalent with
children," Zookeeper responded.  The mother quickly walked away with
her children.  The Zookeeper looked out at the crowd one last time,
satisfied that there were no children or the weak-of-heart still
present.  "NOW, I GIVE YOU... POINTLESS POSTING MAN!!"
A curtain was raised, revealing the underpants-on-the-head wearing
hero.  He was sitting in a corner, swiveling back and forth.  Several
people in the crowd gasped.  "IS IT A HUMAN, OR AN APE?!" Zookeeper
questioned.
"Itz uh freek!" A teenager said, wearing an Army Guy t-shirt, obviously
an Army Guy fan.
"NO, I'M A NORMAL PERSON!" screamed Pointless Posting Man.  "I'm ok
now, seriously!  Let me out and I'll show you!"
"Silly Pointless Posting Man, we can't let you out!  You wear your
underpants on your head!" Zookeeper exclaimed.
"I don't wear my underpants on my head!  Someone stapled them on!"
cried Pointless Posting Man.
The crowd laughed at Pointless Posting Man, who was back in his corner,
crying his eyes out.  "I'm normal, I'm normal..." he repeated, hoping
that someone would listen.

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Author's Note:  This one was a bit different from the previous three.
It was less spontaneously written.  I had a dream about this a couple
of days ago.  I originally didn't want to go with this idea, but it
wouldn't go away.
The underpants on the head was Saxon's idea.  I liked that idea, so I
had Pointless Posting Man place his underpants on his head (at first,
quite willingly).
Also, this ended a semi-long bout of writer's block.  It toook from
start to finish, a full two hours to write.  I have written this, most
of No-Point Lad & Dismal-Hope Kid #7, and part of Alt.Pha Flight #1.
Hopefully, they'll follow pretty quickly.