[LNH] The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation #18

Jamie Rosen jamie.rosen at sunlife.com
Sun Mar 27 11:38:19 PST 2005

Low Budget Productions proudly presents

    The Continuing Misadventures of
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./_/  /_/  \_\/_//_//_/  \_//____//____//_//_/   /_/  /_//____//_/  \_/

                                          "The End of the Beginning"

                   [The cover is another tripartite image:
                  Blue Wave and Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive
                  Girl look through the window of a
                  maternity ward full of babies in spandex,
                  furry babies, babies with wings,
                  green-skinned babies, and babies
                  strangling snakes with their bare hands;
                  Miss Translation continues to struggle
                  at her desk; and Lamar Dunston leap over
                  an office chair, action lines flying from
                  his body. In the corner of the cover
                  reads the tag line "BIRTH OF A NOTION!"]

Miss Translation finished her drink and turned her attention back to
the letter she was drafting. The first two words were lost to her, now,
incomprehensible to her Vulgar eyes. But they didn't matter anyway, not
anymore. What mattered now was getting the next word right.

Sticking her tongue out in concentration, she began to write:


 *  *  *

"I suppose introductions are in order first," Major Dad went on. He
obviously relished in the role of Net.Villain. "This is my wife, Mrs.
Cleaver." He indicated a handsome woman in middle age, wearing a
flower-print dress and apron and wielding a large cleaver. "And these
are my three sons." He gestured at three scruffy, unshaven men on the
other side of the room.

"Hi, my name is Larry," said one of the men. "This is my brother
Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl." The other two men nodded

"And this is Golden Girl," Major Dad said, indicating an attractive you
woman with tanned-bronze skin, who had an array of gleaming blades at
her disposal. "She's just like Mom.

"And that, my fair victims, is the Nielsen Family." He turned to the
other villains. "Get them."

Instinctively, the focus group ducked under the table. Lamar, on the
other hand, calmly stood his ground as Darryl -- or was it Darryl? --
approached him.

Without speaking, Darryl transformed into a fox and flung himself at
the millionaire playboy and philanthropist. Still Lamar didn't even
flinch, and the fox bounced harmlessly off of the personal force field
he had activated during the head villain's speech. Harmlessly for
Lamar, that is -- Darryl collapsed in a heap, unconscious and concussed
from the unexpected impact.

Elsewhere, Darryl's brothers had transformed into a peacock and a giant
floating eye, respectively, while the two blade-wielding women were
trying to flank the cowering counsellors.

"How many pieces should I cut them into, Mother dear?" asked Golden

"Oh, eight is enough."

"Yes, dear."

Before they could make good on their plans, however, Lamar vaulted over
the intervening chair and knocked the cleaver from Mrs. Cleaver's hand.
She lashed at him with a backfist that he deftly blocked and returned
in kind. She blocked his blow as well, and adopted a defensive
position. Her eyes flicked over his shoulder, and reflected in the
glass of the window behind her he could see her daughter preparing to
strike. He sidestepped the younger woman's charge and sent her
barrelling into her mother, narrowly avoiding stabbing her with one of
her knives, but still leaving them both woozy and winded.

The peacock leapt for his face, trying to peck his eyes out, but Lamar
caught it with both hands and tossed it at the floating eye, lodging a
feather beneath its eyelid and blinding it. He then upturned a chair
over top of the bird, trapping it with its lack of leverage.

"Now," the millionaire playboy and philanthropist said, turning to face
Major Dad, "you were saying?"

"Uh. Hmm. Yes." The Net.Villain's eyes darted back and forth. "Smile!
You're on Candid Camera!"

Lamar's eyes narrowed. "I *hate* that show." Reaching into his suit
jacket, he hurled two monogrammed pens at Major Dad, pinning him to the
wall by his shirt. He then ducked below the table, where the focus
group was still cowering. "It's safe to come out now," he said.

"Oh thank goodness," Doug said as they emerged from cover. "I'm tired
of this sort of thing."

Lamar arched his eyebrows. "This happens often?"

"Oh yes," Nancy said, and the others all nodded.

"To all of you?"

More nodding.

Lamar pulled a cellphone from his pocket. "Well, let me get the
police," he said, "and then I'll make a few phone calls that should
help you out. And we can get down to the business of naming my team."
Glancing over his shoulder at Major Dad as he dialled, he remarked, "I
loved you in _Coach_."

Nelson Nielsen fumed.

 *  *  *

Something was up at the Net.ropolis General Failure Reading Drive A:
Hospital. Specifically, something was up in the maternity ward.
Specifically, there were a lot more women than usual, and they all
seemed to be giving birth, have given birth, or be about to give birth
to a baby with powers and abilities well beyond the human norm. And
there seemed to be only one common thread tying all of these women

"So his name was Kenneth?" Blue Wave asked of one of the women only
just starting her contractions. "He stood about five feet, ten inches
tall, with dark brown hair and piercing brown eyes?"

"Yes!" the woman hissed through clenched teeth.

"I see. Thank you very much, ma'am." Blue Wave turned back to his
companion, Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl, who was standing at the
doorway to the maternity ward out of consideration of the expectant
mothers' and infants' sensibilities.

"She tells the same story as the rest," he informed her as he rejoined
her in the hallway. "A man named Kenneth, or Ken, or Kenny, fitting the
same description, romanced her, wooed her, and left her in the lurch."

"That's weird," SWAA Girl said. "It can't be a coincidence!"

"I have to agree," Blue Wave agreed. "But what could it mean?"

SWAA Girl frowned. "I know one thing it means," she said. "He's gonna
have a heck of a lot of child support to pay!"

 *  *  *

Miss Translation frowned. This was taking too long -- by the time she
finished her letter, the others would be back, and then what would be
the point of all of this slaving away to get the words right? No
matter. She had to get it down. Just focus...


 *  *  *

Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl peered through the window at the
maternity ward, daydreaming.

.oO( It'd be nice to be one of those ladies, ) she thought to herself.
.oO( But who'd want to be with a yucky old zombie like me, let alone
have a baby with me? Even someone as nice as Blue Wave can barely stand
to be with me -- just look at the way he's always avoiding looking me
in the eye. ) She sighed. .oO( It's too bad, cuz he's totally nice. )

She was snapped from her idle fantasies by the sound of a woman
screaming. More to the point, a woman screaming coherently -- there was
a lot of screaming in this neck of the woods already.

"That's him! That's the b@$+ at rd that did this to me!"

SWAA Girl looked up and saw a man standing about five feet, ten inches
tall, and with brown hair, suddenly take off down the hall away from
the maternity ward. The way he broke into a run like that told her that
this wasn't a case of mistaken identity.

"Stop!" she shouted in her best pseudo-Net.Hero voice. "Stop! Deadbeat
dad!" She ran after him, chasing him down one hallway and then another,
past a "Caution: Slippery When Wet" sign toward the elevator, passing
Blue Wave along the way.

"That's him," she said. It was a good thing she didn't breathe, or
she'd have been too out of breath to talk to him. "That's our man."

Blue Wave hesitated for a split second before what she was saying
registered on him, but when it did, he leapt immediately into action,
sending the possible parent to the floor as he slipped on a
particularly wet spot on the ground.

SWAA Girl was on the fellow in an instant, gripping him by the lapels
of his coat. "What's the big idea, buster?" she demanded.

"What do you mean?" he asked, his brown eyes darting left and right.

"Don't play dumb," she said. "You got all those nice ladies into this
and then disappeared into the night!"

He stammered, he stuttered, he hemmed and he hawed, but he couldn't
hold out for very long.

"It's -- it's true!" he admitted. "But it wasn't my fault! I can't help

"You can't help it," she said in disgust. "You couldn't help abandoning
these women?"

"Well," he said, "maybe I could have helped that part. But I can't help
that I got them all pregnant. It's -- it's my superpower!"

SWAA Girl rolled her eyes. One of them got stuck like that, so she had
to release one of his lapels to adjust it back into place.

"Your superpower," she groaned once her eyes were back in order.

"It's -- it's true... you see..." His eyes darted back and forth again,
and then he suddenly blurted out, "Paternity!"

There was a flash, and suddenly a man about seven feet tall and just as
wide was standing above them. He hoisted Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive
Girl off of Kenneth, and the deadbeat took the opportunity to slip

"What the?!" SWAA Girl exclaimed, kicking and flailing at the
interloper. He held her aloft for a moment, then dropped her as he
disappeared back to wherever he had come from.

Kenneth hadn't gotten very far, as Blue Wave had cooled off the water
and used it to construct an ice cage around him. As she approached,
however, he shouted out, "Paternity!" once more, and a man made
seemingly of fire materialized beside him, melting the cage with ease
before vanishing again a few seconds later.

Kenneth looked about frantically for an exit, but saw that he was
flanked on both sides by ex-Net.Heroes. "Paternity!" he shouted. This
time, a ruggedly handsome man in black spandex materialized beside him.

"I'm sorry," the newcomer said, "but I can't let you do this anymore."

"Wh-what?" Kenneth muttered.

"We've had a meeting," the newcomer said. "And we won't do another
thing for you until you start taking responsibility for your actions.
If you pay our child support while we're young, we'll be much more
inclined to assist you in your times of need."

"But -- but --"

"There are no buts, father. Either you fulfill your obligations to our
mothers, or you can kiss your days as Kid Paternity goodbye." His eyes
narrowed. "Both the power -- and the women."

Kid Paternity let out a sob as the newcomer vanished, and he sank
willingly into Blue Wave's arms.

"Come with me, son," the cerulean super said. "I think we'll need to
find you a job."

 *  *  *

Miss Translation closed her eyes. This was the hardest part of all.
Writing the other words had taken concentration and study, but it had
been an effort largely empty of emotion. But now, she had to write the
word that gave meaning to her entire letter.

She opened her eyes and steeled her will. There was no point in
postponing the inevitable; she had done so long enough. With a steady
hand, she wrote the final word to her teammates:




This issue was originally one and a half issues, but I split the middle
issue up (adding half to both this and the previous issue) and wound up
with two that I think work better overall, as well as making sure that
this one was a more respectable length.

The Nielsen Family are another in my continuing tendency to pay homage
to ideas and comics nobody else remembers -- in this case, the Nuclear
Family from DC Comics. I only ever encountered them in Who's Who, but
that's good enough for me. Just wait til I get around to the Duke of

Miss Translation will now be going on a brief hiatus for the month of
April, as I turn my RACC-writing focus in other directions.

Kid Paternity, Lamar Dunston, Miss Translation, Blue Wave, the focus
group, Nelson Nielsen and the Nielsen Family, and the Normalizer
created by yours truly and reserved.

Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl is reserved (Yeah right!)

SWAA Girl definitely created by Tom Russell.

Many thanks to Carl Tashian's multibabel website Lost in Translation
<http://www.tashian.com/multibabel/> for helping with the unique
character of Miss Translation's speech. Mind you, where necessary I
have taken some liberties, to keep all of her words in the English

Copyright 2005, baby!


As the police were slapping the handcuffs on the last of the Nielsen
Family, Mrs. Cleaver began to spark.

"What the--?!" exclaimed one of the officers, stepping back in

More sparks flew from the other four members of the family, and smoke
began leaking from their joints, shrouding the area. One by one, the
Nielsen Family members sizzled and popped before exploding in a shower
of metal debris, leaving only Major Dad unaffected.

In the confusion, Nelson Nielsen managed to slip free of his cuffs and
disappear into wilds of urban Net.ropolis, swearing revenge. Again. But
he hadn't gotten far when he encountered another cloud of smoke -- this
one with the distinctive odour of shoe polish.

"Nelson Nielsen," the Shoe Devil said from the depths of his cloud. "I
have a proposition for you..."

The Shoe Devil created by someone at some point during the Just
Imagine... Saxon Brenton's RACCies! chaotic add-on cascade. By the very
nature of that creation, he is presumably unreserved.

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