[LNH] Vel #11
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Fri Mar 18 05:29:01 PST 2005
Vel walked into the archives deck. He didn't know the records took
up that much space. There were half a dozen twists and turns. It
would be easy to get lost in a place like that.
"Perhaps," he pondered to himself. "That's what happened to
the person who ran the place. No one had seen them in quite some
It was about the size of a medium sized college campus. Herb the
Assistant Archivist said he was driving a golf cart to meet him but it
would take awhile because he was all the way in the Xylophone section
and Vel was in the main enterance near the books about abacuses.
There was clatter behind the main desk. Browsing Boy emerged from
behind the book return desk.
"No... no... no..." Browsing Boy said. "Oh, hey Vel. Whatcha
doin? Not often I see another Legionnaire down here. Let alone a
"Herb was going to help me look for something," Vel said.
"Ah... he'll be awhile. The letter Q has left the dictionary and
he's got to put it back," Browsing Boy said. "An entire spectrum
of human communication could fall apart without it."
"Sounds right up your lady love's alley," Vel said.
"Oh no, Herb never lets us help him in his work. Even if we ask,"
Browsing Boy replied. "Besides, this happens a lot."
"You're better off not thinking about it," Browsing Boy said.
"So, what did you need? I know the this place just as well as
"Something important. I think it might help me find Carina. I
went to my shrinks office and found this note," Vel said.
He handed a piece of paper to Browsing Boy.
"Carina= RD-701-EA? What do you think it means?" Browsing Boy
"I think it means we find something with that serial number, we find
Carina," Vel said. "Keep it quiet. Trust only LNHers who aren't
wearing Lance bands."
"Got it," he said. "Though the wife doesn't like me keeping
There was a bleep from Vel's pocket.
"Ultimate Ninja to Vel. Report to my office at once," came a
voice from his communication device.
"Yes, sir," Vel said begrudgingly. "Look, BB..."
"Already on it," said Browsing Boy.
The Search for Carina Part One
The Rebel Letter
By Jesse N. Willey
The third time in as many weeks, Vel was called into Ultimate
Ninja's office. He's probably complaining how I seem to be
hanging the building an awful lot for a reservist. He hoped it was
that simple. He reached the waiting room and noticed Seductress, and
Onion Lad were waiting there too.
"Any idea what this is about?"
"I was just about to ask you," she said.
The door creaked open. Master Blaster stepped out.
"... so it wasn't my fault. I blew a hole in the wall of the gym
because Deja Dude and I were attacked by a very rabid and vicious
letter Q," Master Blaser shouted.
"Yeah... right... just like that time a few weeks ago when you
claimed that Applicant Lad wouldn't be reapplying because you let him
the archives, he picked up a copy The Glass Menagerie and ran off with
Tom's sister," Ninja said.
"But... but..." Master Blaster said.
The Ninja motioned for Seductress, Onion Lad and Vel to enter.
"What's going on Ninja?" Jen said.
"You three had better sit down," The Ninja said.
"Oh no..." Vel muttered. "Here it comes."
"The general in charge of Dorfan special forces is arriving on Earth
tomorrow to pin a medals on Vel, Jen and X'zchi for their help in
saving Haven," Ninja said.
"What?" Vel said in surprise.
"What about me. Do... um... I get a medal. I helped a little,"
Onion Lad muttered. "Just a tiny little bit."
"No you don't, Charles," Ultimate Ninja said. "The General
has requested a special dinner, of both Dorfan and human dishes.
I'd like the three of you to coordinate."
"Oh," Onion Lad muttered.
The speaker phone buzzed. Ultimate Ninja pushed the button.
"Ultimate Ninja, its Fred. We've got a problem. Apparently, that
letter Q attacked some grammar book, has inserted itself into words
after the letter U instead of before," the receptionist said.
"Remind me to apologize to Master Blaster and Deja Dude," said
"If you'll excuse me, I have an experiment to run with the time
cube," Vel said.
"You're all excused," The Ninja said waiving his one hand at
Vel wired up the scanners on the time cube. While locking on to one
biological signature wandering scattered across the infinite winds of
the timestream was like looking for a baked potato who taught quantum
physics at Oxford, Vel didn't think finding Carina would be so hard.
"Just how did you expect to locate her?" asked Vincent Stomper.
"I set the scanners to detect the Power Kirby. That, at least, would
be detectable..." Vel said.
"Assuming of course that Carina is the only Power Kirby avatar lost
in the timestream," Stomper responded.
"Always the pessimist, eh, Vinnie?" Vel asked.
"Of course not. I just didn't want to get your hopes up," he
At that point, their conversation was interrupted by a high-pitched
laugh. A large circle with a jagged line sticking out of one end
came rolling down the hallway. The closer the circle got, the louder
and higher pitched the laugh became. The wall in front of the circle
exploded. Deja Dude, Master Blaster and Herb stepped out.
"This is the last time we let you handle things alone," Deja Dude
"Do you mind!" Vel interrupted.
"Sorry," said Master Blaster.
The letter Q, for it's part, seemed to stick out its tongue and give
the heroes a raspberry before it disappeared. Vel sighed.
"Damn it! It did it again!" shouted Herb. "It's still in
reverse cueyou order, but it's now in words where ei is sounding as
"Huh?" said Master Blaster.
"You know, I before E except after see or when sounding as a as
neiqghbor and weiqgh," said Deja Dude.
"Vinne, watch the time cube. I think Huey, Duey and Louie here need
my help in grammar school," Vel said.
It was a Uqiet night in LNH H, because of the devious rebellion of
the letter Q. Other than that, things were going to going just fine.
After spending hours getting distracted by various tangents in his
research, Browsing Boy found what he was looking for. He quickly
touched a button on the intercom.
"Vel, I think I found something," he said.
"I'm on my way," Vel said.
The Dorfan Consulate was a Spartan looking building. It's jagged
edges made it look like some kind of giant weapon. Apart from this,
what little combat that took place somehow managed to stay inside the
building. Most of the Dorfs never left the building. The few that
did had work visas and were gainfully employed by World Wrestling
Entertainment and thus their rude and violent behavior was disregarded
by the public. The building also received very little in the way of
the company. Which is what made today somewhat special. There was a
loud pop! out by the front gate. Vel looked around.
"What? The Dorfan Consulate? But it was torn down years ago when
the full blown embassy was built," he said. He thought to himself.
"Oh, so that's today. Oh boy! The timeporter back home is going
to get our chronal synchronizer signal confused when it tries to
retrieve me. I wouldn't want to be me toady."
Onion Lad and Jen were working in the kitchen. He was writing on a
pad of paper. She carried a grocery list in her hand. Nervous put
his pencil down. He didn't want her to see what he was writing.
"So, you're thinking a hamburger bar for the Earth food and tusked
boar for Dorfan food," Jen said. "No way. No more tusked Dorfan
food. I've had my full."
"So, I guess I could make another classic dorfan dish..." Onion
Lad said. "... the Slurpee."
"The dorfs didn't invent Slurpee!" Jen said.
"It's true. I learned it at culinary school. They also invented
Eskimo Pie," Onion Lad said. "Though their version had an extra
"Yes.... uh... umm.... Eskimos..." Onion Lad said.
Vel ran back to the Archives room. A lighting bolt leapt out of
nowhere and struck a book. Whatever problems had been going on with
the English language had stopped. He turned to see Master Blaster.
Master Blaster took out a flamethrower and burnt it to a crisp.
"Did you just burn a book? Why?" Vel said.
"It was the only way to keep the Q from escaping," Master Blaster
"What about the sanctity of culture? Every time you burn a book,
you're burning a piece of freedom?" Vel said.
"Come on, it was a Roget's Thesaurus. Certainly you aren't
comparing that to the works of Shakespeare?" said Master Blaster.
"Shakespeare was a hack," Vel said. "I've always preferred
"Whatever. My point is that it is a Thesaurus. What do you have to
say about that Vel," Master Blaster said.
There was a loud pop!
To Be Continued...
Onion Lad created by Dane Martin and Tom Russell. Reserved by Jesse N.
Willey. Master Blaster, Deja Dude and Seductress created by Martin
Phipps. X'zchi, Vel, Applicant Lad and Herb created Jesse N.
Willey. Browsing Boy and Ultimate Ninja are Public Domain.
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