[RACCies] 2004 RACCies Awards Ceremony
Saxon Brenton
saxon.brenton at uts.edu.au
Sun Mar 6 18:06:06 PST 2005
[RACCies] 2004 RACCies Awards Ceremony
"Ladies and gentlemen and others, Pointless Awards Man II, in
conjunction with the Artifice Comics, Academy of Super Heroes,
Boring Productions, Full Moon, IP, Legion of Net.Heroes, Legion of
Net.Heroes 2, Legion of Net.Heroes Y, Superguy and Misc universes,
proudly presents... "
o o o o o o o o o o o
o o The 2004 o o
o o o (11th Annual) o o o
o o RACCies Awards o o
o o o o o o o o o o o
The curtains open, and the huge, green-skinned, four-armed,
yellow and blue tuxedoed Pointless Awards Man II is standing on stage.
He picks up his microphone, and begins to croon (well, monologue in
a sustained and not-unpleasant drawl):
"You must remember this
A kick is still a kick
A fight is still a fight
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by
"And when combatants grapple
In the middle of a battle
On a brawl you can rely
No matter what the plot lines bring
As time goes by
"Searchlights and monologues - never out of date
Hearts full of passion - destiny and fate
Villain needs a hero - someone that he can hate
That no one can deny
"It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die
The world will always gawp at conflict
As time goes by. "
The song draws to and end. "Well, hello there, RACConteurs,
and welcome to our big 11th annual awards ceremony." (Much applause
from the audience.) PAM2 then snakes out a hand and grabs a stool,
and sits on it.
"You know," he says conversationally, "there are times when
people come up to me and say," (and here PAM2 jumps to his feet and
strikes a Significant Kirby Pose, repeating in a stentorian manner)
" `But Jamie! Aren't you... DEAD!? Killed hideously during the
conflict of some Crisis of Infinite Crossovers!?' "
Pointless Awards Man II then sits back on the stool and resumes
a casual tone. "To which I say, `Weeell, now that you mention
it...'." eliciting laughter from the audience. PAM2 pauses for an
instant, as if thinking, then adds, "Although I do appreciate all
the condolences cards. No. Really." as the audience laughs again.
Then he jumps to his feet in another Significant Kirby Pose and
declaims, " `But won't that interfere with your MCing at the RACCie
Awards!?'."
He sits back on his stool again, and says mock seriously,
" `No.' " Then as the laughter dies away again he gets up off the
stool, and this time saunters across the stage back towards the
podium. "What I think they may be failing to appreciate is just
how sublimely immune to continuity we are here at the RACCies. And
just to emphasise that point..."
"Run their noses in it, you mean," comes a voice from off stage.
"Quite, Eugene," replied PAM2, clearly as part of the act,
"...I'd like you all to give a big hand for our first announcer for
the 'Discretionary' and 'Named' awards, all the way from the future
in the ASH universe: Conflicto and his Zoo of Malice!"
Conflicto - dressed in a tuxedo of rhinestones - walks on the
stage followed by a three-eyed crocodile, the fire-breathing camel
and a wheeled water tank containing a palomino hippocampus. "Hey,
thanks PAM2. And that is *such* a cool tux!".
"Back at ya," grins PAM2.
"Great to be here folks," says Conflicto, turning back to the
audience. Let's get straight underway...
"First up is the 'BURN BABY! BURN!!' AWARD for the series
most likely to be burnt at the stake if it were posted in the 17th
century. Gertrude, if you'll do the honours." Conflicto holds up
a sealed envelope, which the fire-breathing camel breathes at, neatly
burning off one end. Conflicto then reaches in and extracts the
slip, which has been only slightly singed along one edge. "The
awards goes to: the Daily Super Short-Short Story!"
Applause erupts as the LNHY version of God walks up on stage
and accepts the award.
"The second discretionary award is the AS X-BOOKS APPROACHES
INFINITY GAUNTLET, for the best parody of a 'real' comic-book idea.
This one goes to (more fire-breathing from the camel) Bride of
C'thulhu #8 for its revelations about Hypertext Time."
The applause isn't dimmed too much as Cyg.net.a, the Bride of
C'thulhu, slimes her way up into the stage to collect the award,
hefting aloft in triumph with one tentacle.
"And now for the Named awards. First up, the 'SPIDER SPINS'!
LITTLE LULU WEB PAGE AWARD. The finalists are: The Eyrie webpage
[the screen shows many people (and others) browsing the archives for
their reading pleasure], and Wil's Ego [a well perused spinner rack
of recent net.comic releases]. "And the winner is: (fwoosh!!!)
Wil's Ego!"
Applause as Marlo Vivo walks up to the stage to collect on
behalf of the web page owner.
"Finalist for the IMAGE TESTAMONIAL TIMEPIECE (BATTERIES NOT
INCLUDED) are: Paul Hardy [the screen shows the Legion of Occult
Heroes departing with the Dvandom Stranger], Scavenger [Rebell Yell
sits beside a dusty roadside, waiting for his next storyline to come
along], and Everyone [screen cycles through audience shots of past
RACCies ceremonies]. And the winner is (fwoosh!!!): Everyone! Okay
people, you can now open those envelopes that were on your chairs
as you came in."
The audience opens their individually addressed envelopes, to
discover that they each now own a colour glossy photograph of the
award. There is confused muttering from the audience, but Conflicto
enthuses, "Cool, huh?" before proceeding.
"Finalists for the RABBIT BREDERS CUP are: Saxon Brenton [the
screen cycles through a montage of net.heroes being menaced by opera
cape wearing strangers and seminary students being menaced by evil
socks], Martin Phipps [a cycle through various crossovers between the
LNH, LNH Asia and LNH Europe, and between a coterie of villains who
swap opponents], and Arthur Spitzer [the Chuggernaut trashes the
RACCCafe, and then a new imprint is created]. And the winner is:
(fwoosh!!!) Martin Phipps!"
Deja Dude collects the award on behalf of the author, to much
applause from the LNH, LNH2 and LNHY tables.
"Okay, that's it from me. Back to you, oh master of ceremonies."
"Thanks Conflicto. And thank *you* Gertrude," says Pointless
Awards Man II as the Zoo of Malice leave. "Our next set of awards
will be presented by that woman of distinction, direct from the
Artifice Comics universe, Mysteria!"
"Thanks PAM," smiles Mysteria as she walks on. Pointless Awards
Man II takes her hand and gives it a gentlemanly kiss, before leaving
her the podium. "Well, what a wonderful occasion. So many old
friends and new faces. First up in the `numbered' categories we have
RACC15. FAVOURITE NEW TITLE. The finalists are: the Daily Super
Short-Short Story [the screen shows Gotta Love Me Lad asking God for
a companion], Teen Fascists [stung by media harassment, the Teen
Fascists make a documentary about their work], and Vel [two versions
of Vel face off against one another]. And the winner is: the Daily
Super Short-Short Story!"
Gotta Love Me Lad, representing the cast of both storylines,
bounces up onto stage and collects the award.
"RACC14 is the award for FAVOURITE NEW WRITER. The two
eligibles are: Tim Munn [the screen shows No-Point Lad angsting about
not having a point, while the despairing Dismal-Hope Lad watches on]
and Vash The Wanderer [Samantha commands Jager the catboy to stop
trying to attack her]. And the winner is: Tim Munn!"
No-Point Lad happily climbs the stage and accepts the award on
behalf of the author, to the astonishment of Dismal-Hope Lad, who
had honestly thought their author had had no chance.
"RACC13. MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR. The finalists are: Saxon
Brenton, Jamas Enright, and Arthur Spitzer. And the winner is
Arthur Spitzer!"
Kid Kicked-Out approaches the stage and collects the award,
then after a very brief "Thank you," gets off before they have time
to throw him out.
"Next up is RACC12. FAVOURITE RUNNING GAG. The finalists are:
Mr Paprika [activity at the bar speeds up as many orders for Mr
Paprika are placed], Sock puns ["On the other foot..."], and 'What
Would Gamer Boy Think?'. And the winner is: Sock Puns!"
Damian the evil sock slithers up and collects the award to the
exceptionally loud applause from the villains' tables about the hall.
"Finally from me, RACC11. BEST FLAMEWAR. The finalists are:
"Using the word 'said' over other descriptive terms", "Should we stop
having RACCies?", and "RACC is too apathetic to have flamewars".
Strange, I thought that last one was just a metatextual comment.
Oh well. The winner is: "Should we stop having RACCies?".
Anal-Retentive Archive Kid collects the award on behalf of
the administrator.
"Well, how about that then," says Pointless Awards Man II,
leading the applause as he retakes the podium from the departing
Mysteria "For our next set of awards, let's have a big welcome for
everyone's favourite otaku fanatic, Kid Enthusiastic of the Legion
of Net.Heroes!"
Kid Enthusiastic bounces on to stage. "Thanks, Pointless Awards
Man!" he chirrups. "Cool! Let's see what's next! RACC10 is
FAVOURITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC! The finalists for this one
are: Russ Allbery, Saxon Brenton, and Dave Van Domelon! And the
winner is: Saxon Brenton!
TJ approaches the stage to collect the award on behalf of
the author, and is a little put off by the enthusiasm of Kid
Enthusiastic's handshake.
"Okay then! The next award is RACC9. FAVOURITE STORY UNIVERSE!
The finalists are: the ASH universe of the Academy of Super Heroes!
[screen shows Coulter teaching in front of many young new para-
humans], the LNH Looniverse of the Legion of Net.Heroes! [the
Legion of Net.Hippies fly off in Kid Kesey's Electric Kool-Aid
Flight.thingee], and the LNHY Looniverse of the Legion of
Net.Heroes Y! [Kid Kicked-Out and Van.Hel.Sig face off against the
Road Rager and Madam Middle Finger]. And the winner is: the LNH
Looniverse! Yay us!"
The Legionnaires decide to rub salt into the wound by sending
Anything-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better Lad up to collect the award.
"RACC8 is the FAVOURITE REVIEW TITLE. Only nominee and winner
is: the End of Month Reviews!"
Anal-Retentive Archive Kid approaches the stage for second
time to collect the award on behalf of the author, and rolls his
eyes with a wry grin when someone shouts, "So he's only doing it
for the award, then?"
"Next up is RACC7. FAVOURITE ACRAPHOBE OFFERING! The finalists
are: Academy of Super-Heroes! [the screen shows the Eye of Purity
sacrificing himself in an unwinnable combat in order to whittle
away at the power of Q'Nos], The Alt.Riders! [the Net.Elementalist
prepares to incinerate Karmic Death and his demons, as well as
himself and the other net.heroes he's working with], and Limp-
Asparagus Lad! [Limp-Asparagus Lad flies a family out of a house
fire]. And the winner is: The Alt.Riders!"
Morph - as one of the few members of the team who's more or
less trusted to behave responsibly in a situation like this - gets
the pleasant task of collecting the award.
"Neat! This one's one of my favourites! RACC6. FAVOURITE
PARODY/COMEDY! The finalists are: The Continuing Misadventures
of Miss Translation! [the screen shows net.heroes being yelled at
for loosing at team member], Easily-Discovered Man! [Cynical Lass
and Lite fight Glurge, the sentient syrup monster], and Limp-
Asparagus Lad! [Lenny gives Chinese Guy a nibble] And the winner
is: Easily-Discovered Man!"
Cynical Lass graciously refrains from cynicism as she collects
the coveted award for her table.
"Well, that's about if from me!" says Kid Enthusiastic. "Back
to you, PAM."
"Thanks KE. Now for the last big five categories, folks. And
here to present them is none other than the Looniversal Answer
Machine!" Applause as the Looniversal Answering Machine approaches
the podium.
"Thank you, Pointless Awards Man," says the urbanely modulated,
Robby-the-Robot style voice of the Answering Machine. "For the
category of RACC5. FAVOURITE SINGLE ISSUE, the finalists are: 'Last
Fall in the House of Usher' in Easily-Discovered Man #45 [the screen
shows Lite staring at Uma Thurman dressed at the Waffle Queen],
'Genre Conflict' from Limp-Asparagus Lad #54 [net.heroes stand in
front of a twisted version of a cathedral], and What If... Jesus Had
Been A Scientist? [Jesus and Poncius Pilate try to outmanoeuvre each
other in affecting the future]. And the winner is: 'Last Fall of
the House of Usher'."
Uma Thurman (no longer dressed as the Waffle Queen) approaches
the stage and graciously accepts the ward.
"For the category of RACC4. FAVOURITE ARC, the finalists are:
The Drake/God arc from The Alt.Riders #27-29 [the screen shows Drake
granting absolution to weeping net.heroes on his talk show], 'A Devil
Came Down To Georgia' from The Daily Super Short-Short Story #19-63
[MegaMetral BlastLord, Delroy and TJ watch an apartment block burn],
and Letter Adventures [a letter by letter description of the word
'Hello']. And the winner is: 'A Devil Came Down To Georgia'!"
MegaMetal BlastLord collects the award on behalf of the cast,
and holds it up triumphantly for the rest of his table.
"For the category of RACC3. FAVOURITE MINI-SERIES, the finalists
are: Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch [the screens show a
welter of net.heroes suggesting names], Ultimate Merceneary [Ultimate
Mercenary rallies a groups of tribal warriors against tomatoes], and
What If... Jesus Had Been a Scientist? [Jesus tries to explain
rocket science to an uncomprehending crowd]. And the winner is:
Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch!"
A pit maltoodle bounds up onto the stage and accepts his award
with a wise and inspiring comment.
"For the category of RACC2. FAVOURITE ONGOING SERIES, the
finalists are: Academy of Superheroes [the screen shows a hovering
Peregryn kick the Leviathan on the nose, and get swallowed whole for
his trouble], The Alt.Riders [the Alt.Riders watch circus freaks with
disquiet], The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translations [Miss
Translation and friends are offered a new headquarters by Lamar
Dunston], and Easily-Discovered Man [Glurge induces the Professor
to sing 'You Are My Sunshine']. And the winner is: A tie between
The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation and Easily-
Discovered Man!"
Miss Translation and Easily-Discovered Man Lite walk to the
podium and collect their awards.
"And finally, for the category of RACC1. FAVOURITE WRITER. The
finalists are: Saxon Brenton, Jamas Enright, Martin Phipps, and Dave
Van Domelen. And he winner is... Saxon Brenton!
Limp-Asparagus Lad accepts the award on behalf of the writer,
but the cameras seem to take more interest in the audience.
Pointless Awards Man II walks back on stage, clapping, and gives
the Looniversal Answering Machine a appreciative nod as they pass.
"Well that's it folks, the winners for our big 11th year. Thanks to
everyone who participated, to our audience and everyone reading at
home. And don't forget to stick around for the announcements of the
winners of the 12th annual ACCIE Awards for the Legion of Net.Heroes
imprints. I'll see you all again here next year!"
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
12th Annual RACCie Winners:
RACC1. Favourite Writer: Saxon Brenton
RACC2. Favourite Ongoing Series: The Continuing Misadventures
of Miss Translation and Easily-Discovered Man (Tie)
RACC3. Favourite Mini-Series: Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch
RACC4. Favourite Arc: 'A Devil Came Down To Georgia' The Daily
Super Short-Short Story #19-63
RACC5. Favourite Single Issue: 'Last Fall in the House of Usher'
Easily-Discovered Man #45
RACC6. Favourite Parody/Comedy: Easily-Discovered Man
RACC7. Favourite Acraphobe Offering: The Alt.Riders
RACC8. Favourite Review Title: The End of Month Reviews
RACC9. Favourite Story Universe: Legion of Net.Heroes
RACC10. Favourite Person Who Hangs Out On RACC: Saxon Brenton
RACC11. Best Flamewar: 'Should We Stop Having RACCies?'
RACC12. Favourite Running Gag: Sock puns
RACC13. Most Improved Author: Arthur Spitzer
RACC14. Favourite New Writer: Tim Munn
RACC15. Favourite New Title: The Daily Super Short-Short Story
The `Spider Spins'! Little Lulu Web Page Award: Wil's Ego
The Rabbit-Breeders Cup: Martin Phipps
The Image Testimonial Timepiece (Batteries Not Included): Everyone
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
13th Annual LNH ACCie Awards
LNH1. Favourite Writer
Finalists: Saxon Brenton, Jessica Ihimaera-Smiler, Martin
Phipps, and Dave Van Domelon
Winner: Saxon Brenton
LNH2. Favourite Ongoing Series
Finalists: The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation,
Easily-Discovered Man, and Limp-Asparagus Lad
Winner: The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation
LNH3. Favourite Mini-Series
Finalists: Bride of C'thulhu, Cauliflower the Christmas
Miracle Pooch, LNH Asia: Full Throttle, and Ultimate Mercenary
Winner: Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch
LNH4. Favourite Arc
Finalists: The Alt.Riders #27-29 (Drake/God), The Daily
Super Short-Short Story #4-18 (The Garden of Party Time),
and The Daily Super Short-Short Story #19-63 ('A Devil Came
Down To Georgia')
Winner: 'A Devil Came Down To Georgia'
LNH5. Favourite Single Issue
Finalists: The Alt.Riders #29 ('In God We Trust'), The
Daily Super Short-Short Story #54 (TJ's history), and
Easily-Discovered Man #45 ('Last Fall in the House of Usher')
Winner: 'Last Fall in the House of Usher'
LNH6. Favourite LNHer
Finalists: Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch, Fuzzy,
and Mouse
Winner: Mouse
LNH7. Favourite Villain
Finalists: The Banjo Playing Kangaroos, Drake, The Phantom
Raspberry Blower of Old Net.ropolis Towne, Tsar Chasm, and
Uma Thurman
Winner: Tsar Chasm
LNH8. Favourite Supporting Character
Finalists: Kyoko Ishikawa, Missy, and Retcon Lad
Winner: Kyoko Ishikawa
LNH9. Favourite New Character
Finalists: Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch,
Exciting Leather Stap-On Lass, and TJ
Winner: Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch
LNH10. Favouite Person Who Hangs Out On Alt.Comics.LNH
Finalists: Saxon Brenton, Arthur Spitzer, and Dave Van
Domelon
Winner: Saxon Brenton
LNH11. The Newbie Award
[No Eligibles]
The Little Johnny Sako "Come Back Giant Robot, Come Back" Loving Cup
Finalists: Scott Johnson, Rob Rogers, Ken Schmidt, and
Everyone
Winner: Everyone (and, yes, you all get a colour glossy
photograph of this award too)
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
Later, backstage, Conflicto and Pointless Awards Man II are
sharing a beer together. Both have their jackets off and their ties
loosened.
"Looks like you got away with it for another year, man," says
Eugene.
"Yup, sure looks like it," agrees Jamie.
"So what happens when Pointless Awards Man I finally gets out
of that closet?"
"Oh, probably just a fight scene."
"Oh? Is that all?"
---
Saxon Brenton University of Technology, city library, Sydney Australia
saxon.brenton at uts.edu.au
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