[RACCies] 2004 RACCies Awards Ceremony

Saxon Brenton saxon.brenton at uts.edu.au
Sun Mar 6 18:06:06 PST 2005

[RACCies] 2004 RACCies Awards Ceremony
     "Ladies and gentlemen and others, Pointless Awards Man II, in 
conjunction with the Artifice Comics, Academy of Super Heroes, 
Boring Productions, Full Moon, IP, Legion of Net.Heroes, Legion of 
Net.Heroes 2, Legion of Net.Heroes Y, Superguy and Misc universes, 
proudly presents... "
                o   o   o   o   o   o   o   o   o   o   o
            o o                 The  2004                 o o
         o o o                (11th Annual)                o o o
            o o              RACCies  Awards              o o
                o   o   o   o   o   o   o   o   o   o   o
     The curtains open, and the huge, green-skinned, four-armed, 
yellow and blue tuxedoed Pointless Awards Man II is standing on stage. 
He picks up his microphone, and begins to croon (well, monologue in 
a sustained and not-unpleasant drawl):
           "You must remember this 
           A kick is still a kick 
           A fight is still a fight 
           The fundamental things apply 
           As time goes by 

           "And when combatants grapple 
           In the middle of a battle 
           On a brawl you can rely 
           No matter what the plot lines bring 
           As time goes by 

           "Searchlights and monologues - never out of date 
           Hearts full of passion - destiny and fate 
           Villain needs a hero - someone that he can hate 
           That no one can deny 
           "It's still the same old story 
           A fight for love and glory 
           A case of do or die 
           The world will always gawp at conflict 
           As time goes by. "
     The song draws to and end.  "Well, hello there, RACConteurs, 
and welcome to our big 11th annual awards ceremony."  (Much applause 
from the audience.)  PAM2 then snakes out a hand and grabs a stool, 
and sits on it.
     "You know," he says conversationally, "there are times when 
people come up to me and say," (and here PAM2 jumps to his feet and 
strikes a Significant Kirby Pose, repeating in a stentorian manner) 
" `But Jamie! Aren't you... DEAD!?  Killed hideously during the 
conflict of some Crisis of Infinite Crossovers!?' "
     Pointless Awards Man II then sits back on the stool and resumes 
a casual tone. "To which I say, `Weeell, now that you mention 
it...'." eliciting laughter from the audience.  PAM2 pauses for an 
instant, as if thinking, then adds, "Although I do appreciate all 
the condolences cards. No. Really." as the audience laughs again.  
Then he jumps to his feet in another Significant Kirby Pose and 
declaims, " `But won't that interfere with your MCing at the RACCie 
     He sits back on his stool again, and says mock seriously, 
" `No.' "  Then as the laughter dies away again he gets up off the 
stool, and this time saunters across the stage back towards the 
podium.  "What I think they may be failing to appreciate is just 
how sublimely immune to continuity we are here at the RACCies.  And 
just to emphasise that point..."
     "Run their noses in it, you mean," comes a voice from off stage.
     "Quite, Eugene," replied PAM2, clearly as part of the act, 
"...I'd like you all to give a big hand for our first announcer for 
the 'Discretionary' and 'Named' awards, all the way from the future 
in the ASH universe: Conflicto and his Zoo of Malice!"
     Conflicto - dressed in a tuxedo of rhinestones - walks on the 
stage followed by a three-eyed crocodile, the fire-breathing camel 
and a wheeled water tank containing a palomino hippocampus.  "Hey, 
thanks PAM2.  And that is *such* a cool tux!".
     "Back at ya," grins PAM2.
     "Great to be here folks," says Conflicto, turning back to the 
audience.  Let's get straight underway...
     "First up is the 'BURN BABY! BURN!!' AWARD for the series 
most likely to be burnt at the stake if it were posted in the 17th 
century.  Gertrude, if you'll do the honours."  Conflicto holds up 
a sealed envelope, which the fire-breathing camel breathes at, neatly 
burning off one end.  Conflicto then reaches in and extracts the 
slip, which has been only slightly singed along one edge.  "The 
awards goes to: the Daily Super Short-Short Story!"
     Applause erupts as the LNHY version of God walks up on stage 
and accepts the award.
     "The second discretionary award is the AS X-BOOKS APPROACHES 
INFINITY GAUNTLET, for the best parody of a 'real' comic-book idea.  
This one goes to (more fire-breathing from the camel) Bride of 
C'thulhu #8 for its revelations about Hypertext Time."
     The applause isn't dimmed too much as Cyg.net.a, the Bride of 
C'thulhu, slimes her way up into the stage to collect the award, 
hefting aloft in triumph with one tentacle.
     "And now for the Named awards.  First up, the 'SPIDER SPINS'! 
LITTLE LULU WEB PAGE AWARD.  The finalists are: The Eyrie webpage 
[the screen shows many people (and others) browsing the archives for 
their reading pleasure], and Wil's Ego [a well perused spinner rack 
of recent net.comic releases].  "And the winner is: (fwoosh!!!) 
Wil's Ego!"
     Applause as Marlo Vivo walks up to the stage to collect on 
behalf of the web page owner.
INCLUDED) are: Paul Hardy [the screen shows the Legion of Occult 
Heroes departing with the Dvandom Stranger], Scavenger [Rebell Yell 
sits beside a dusty roadside, waiting for his next storyline to come 
along], and Everyone [screen cycles through audience shots of past 
RACCies ceremonies].  And the winner is (fwoosh!!!): Everyone!  Okay 
people, you can now open those envelopes that were on your chairs 
as you came in."
     The audience opens their individually addressed envelopes, to 
discover that they each now own a colour glossy photograph of the 
award. There is confused muttering from the audience, but Conflicto 
enthuses, "Cool, huh?" before proceeding.
     "Finalists for the RABBIT BREDERS CUP are: Saxon Brenton [the 
screen cycles through a montage of net.heroes being menaced by opera 
cape wearing strangers and seminary students being menaced by evil 
socks], Martin Phipps [a cycle through various crossovers between the 
LNH, LNH Asia and LNH Europe, and between a coterie of villains who 
swap opponents], and Arthur Spitzer [the Chuggernaut trashes the 
RACCCafe, and then a new imprint is created].  And the winner is: 
(fwoosh!!!) Martin Phipps!"
     Deja Dude collects the award on behalf of the author, to much 
applause from the LNH, LNH2 and LNHY tables.
     "Okay, that's it from me.  Back to you, oh master of ceremonies."
     "Thanks Conflicto.  And thank *you* Gertrude," says Pointless 
Awards Man II as the Zoo of Malice leave.  "Our next set of awards 
will be presented by that woman of distinction, direct from the 
Artifice Comics universe, Mysteria!"
     "Thanks PAM," smiles Mysteria as she walks on.  Pointless Awards 
Man II takes her hand and gives it a gentlemanly kiss, before leaving 
her the podium.  "Well, what a wonderful occasion.  So many old 
friends and new faces.  First up in the `numbered' categories we have 
RACC15. FAVOURITE NEW TITLE.  The finalists are: the Daily Super 
Short-Short Story [the screen shows Gotta Love Me Lad asking God for 
a companion], Teen Fascists [stung by media harassment, the Teen 
Fascists make a documentary about their work], and Vel [two versions 
of Vel face off against one another].  And the winner is: the Daily 
Super Short-Short Story!"
     Gotta Love Me Lad, representing the cast of both storylines, 
bounces up onto stage and collects the award.
     "RACC14 is the award for FAVOURITE NEW WRITER.  The two 
eligibles are: Tim Munn [the screen shows No-Point Lad angsting about 
not having a point, while the despairing Dismal-Hope Lad watches on] 
and Vash The Wanderer [Samantha commands Jager the catboy to stop 
trying to attack her]. And the winner is: Tim Munn!"
     No-Point Lad happily climbs the stage and accepts the award on 
behalf of the author, to the astonishment of Dismal-Hope Lad, who 
had honestly thought their author had had no chance.
     "RACC13. MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR.  The finalists are: Saxon 
Brenton, Jamas Enright, and Arthur Spitzer.  And the winner is 
Arthur Spitzer!"
     Kid Kicked-Out approaches the stage and collects the award, 
then after a very brief "Thank you," gets off before they have time 
to throw him out.
     "Next up is RACC12. FAVOURITE RUNNING GAG.  The finalists are: 
Mr Paprika [activity at the bar speeds up as many orders for Mr 
Paprika are placed], Sock puns ["On the other foot..."], and 'What 
Would Gamer Boy Think?'.  And the winner is: Sock Puns!"
     Damian the evil sock slithers up and collects the award to the 
exceptionally loud applause from the villains' tables about the hall.
     "Finally from me, RACC11. BEST FLAMEWAR.  The finalists are: 
"Using the word 'said' over other descriptive terms", "Should we stop 
having RACCies?", and "RACC is too apathetic to have flamewars".  
Strange, I thought that last one was just a metatextual comment.  
Oh well.  The winner is: "Should we stop having RACCies?".
     Anal-Retentive Archive Kid collects the award on behalf of 
the administrator.
     "Well, how about that then," says Pointless Awards Man II, 
leading the applause as he retakes the podium from the departing 
Mysteria  "For our next set of awards, let's have a big welcome for 
everyone's favourite otaku fanatic, Kid Enthusiastic of the Legion 
of Net.Heroes!"
     Kid Enthusiastic bounces on to stage.  "Thanks, Pointless Awards 
Man!" he chirrups.  "Cool!  Let's see what's next!  RACC10 is 
FAVOURITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC!  The finalists for this one 
are: Russ Allbery, Saxon Brenton, and Dave Van Domelon!  And the 
winner is: Saxon Brenton!
      TJ approaches the stage to collect the award on behalf of 
the author, and is a little put off by the enthusiasm of Kid 
Enthusiastic's handshake.
     "Okay then!  The next award is RACC9. FAVOURITE STORY UNIVERSE!  
The finalists are: the ASH universe of the Academy of Super Heroes! 
[screen shows Coulter teaching in front of many young new para-
humans], the LNH Looniverse of the Legion of Net.Heroes! [the 
Legion of Net.Hippies fly off in Kid Kesey's Electric Kool-Aid 
Flight.thingee], and the LNHY Looniverse of the Legion of 
Net.Heroes Y! [Kid Kicked-Out and Van.Hel.Sig face off against the 
Road Rager and Madam Middle Finger].  And the winner is: the LNH 
Looniverse!  Yay us!"
     The Legionnaires decide to rub salt into the wound by sending 
Anything-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better Lad up to collect the award.
     "RACC8 is the FAVOURITE REVIEW TITLE.  Only nominee and winner 
is: the End of Month Reviews!"
     Anal-Retentive Archive Kid approaches the stage for second 
time to collect the award on behalf of the author, and rolls his 
eyes with a wry grin when someone shouts, "So he's only doing it 
for the award, then?"
     "Next up is RACC7. FAVOURITE ACRAPHOBE OFFERING!  The finalists 
are: Academy of Super-Heroes! [the screen shows the Eye of Purity 
sacrificing himself in an unwinnable combat in order to whittle 
away at the power of Q'Nos], The Alt.Riders! [the Net.Elementalist 
prepares to incinerate Karmic Death and his demons, as well as 
himself and the other net.heroes he's working with], and Limp-
Asparagus Lad! [Limp-Asparagus Lad flies a family out of a house 
fire].  And the winner is: The Alt.Riders!"
     Morph - as one of the few members of the team who's more or 
less trusted to behave responsibly in a situation like this - gets 
the pleasant task of collecting the award.
     "Neat! This one's one of my favourites!  RACC6. FAVOURITE 
PARODY/COMEDY!  The finalists are: The Continuing Misadventures 
of Miss Translation! [the screen shows net.heroes being yelled at 
for loosing at team member], Easily-Discovered Man! [Cynical Lass 
and Lite fight Glurge, the sentient syrup monster], and Limp-
Asparagus Lad! [Lenny gives Chinese Guy a nibble]  And the winner 
is: Easily-Discovered Man!"
     Cynical Lass graciously refrains from cynicism as she collects 
the coveted award for her table.
     "Well, that's about if from me!" says Kid Enthusiastic.  "Back 
to you, PAM."
     "Thanks KE.  Now for the last big five categories, folks.  And 
here to present them is none other than the Looniversal Answer 
Machine!"  Applause as the Looniversal Answering Machine approaches 
the podium.
     "Thank you, Pointless Awards Man," says the urbanely modulated, 
Robby-the-Robot style voice of the Answering Machine.  "For the 
category of RACC5. FAVOURITE SINGLE ISSUE, the finalists are: 'Last 
Fall in the House of Usher' in Easily-Discovered Man #45 [the screen 
shows Lite staring at Uma Thurman dressed at the Waffle Queen], 
'Genre Conflict' from Limp-Asparagus Lad #54 [net.heroes stand in 
front of a twisted version of a cathedral], and What If... Jesus Had 
Been A Scientist? [Jesus and Poncius Pilate try to outmanoeuvre each 
other in affecting the future].  And the winner is: 'Last Fall of 
the House of Usher'."
     Uma Thurman (no longer dressed as the Waffle Queen) approaches 
the stage and graciously accepts the ward.
     "For the category of RACC4. FAVOURITE ARC, the finalists are:  
The Drake/God arc from The Alt.Riders #27-29 [the screen shows Drake 
granting absolution to weeping net.heroes on his talk show], 'A Devil 
Came Down To Georgia' from The Daily Super Short-Short Story #19-63 
[MegaMetral BlastLord, Delroy and TJ watch an apartment block burn], 
and Letter Adventures [a letter by letter description of the word 
'Hello'].  And the winner is: 'A Devil Came Down To Georgia'!"
     MegaMetal BlastLord collects the award on behalf of the cast, 
and holds it up triumphantly for the rest of his table.
     "For the category of RACC3. FAVOURITE MINI-SERIES, the finalists 
are: Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch [the screens show a 
welter of net.heroes suggesting names], Ultimate Merceneary [Ultimate 
Mercenary rallies a groups of tribal warriors against tomatoes], and 
What If... Jesus Had Been a Scientist? [Jesus tries to explain 
rocket science to an uncomprehending crowd].  And the winner is: 
Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch!"
     A pit maltoodle bounds up onto the stage and accepts his award 
with a wise and inspiring comment.
     "For the category of RACC2. FAVOURITE ONGOING SERIES, the 
finalists are: Academy of Superheroes [the screen shows a hovering 
Peregryn kick the Leviathan on the nose, and get swallowed whole for 
his trouble], The Alt.Riders [the Alt.Riders watch circus freaks with 
disquiet], The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translations [Miss 
Translation and friends are offered a new headquarters by Lamar 
Dunston], and Easily-Discovered Man [Glurge induces the Professor 
to sing 'You Are My Sunshine'].  And the winner is: A tie between 
The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation and Easily-
Discovered Man!"
     Miss Translation and Easily-Discovered Man Lite walk to the 
podium and collect their awards.
     "And finally, for the category of RACC1. FAVOURITE WRITER. The 
finalists are: Saxon Brenton, Jamas Enright, Martin Phipps, and Dave 
Van Domelen. And he winner is... Saxon Brenton!
     Limp-Asparagus Lad accepts the award on behalf of the writer, 
but the cameras seem to take more interest in the audience.
     Pointless Awards Man II walks back on stage, clapping, and gives 
the Looniversal Answering Machine a appreciative nod as they pass.  
"Well that's it folks, the winners for our big 11th year.  Thanks to 
everyone who participated, to our audience and everyone reading at 
home.  And don't forget to stick around for the announcements of the 
winners of the 12th annual ACCIE Awards for the Legion of Net.Heroes 
imprints.  I'll see you all again here next year!"
12th Annual RACCie Winners:
   RACC1.  Favourite Writer:  Saxon Brenton
   RACC2.  Favourite Ongoing Series:  The Continuing Misadventures 
           of Miss Translation and Easily-Discovered Man (Tie)
   RACC3.  Favourite Mini-Series:  Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch
   RACC4.  Favourite Arc:  'A Devil Came Down To Georgia'  The Daily 
           Super Short-Short Story #19-63
   RACC5.  Favourite Single Issue:  'Last Fall in the House of Usher' 
           Easily-Discovered Man #45
   RACC6.  Favourite Parody/Comedy:  Easily-Discovered Man
   RACC7.  Favourite Acraphobe Offering:  The Alt.Riders
   RACC8.  Favourite Review Title:  The End of Month Reviews
   RACC9.  Favourite Story Universe:  Legion of Net.Heroes
   RACC10. Favourite Person Who Hangs Out On RACC:  Saxon Brenton
   RACC11. Best Flamewar:  'Should We Stop Having RACCies?'
   RACC12. Favourite Running Gag:  Sock puns
   RACC13. Most Improved Author:  Arthur Spitzer
   RACC14. Favourite New Writer:  Tim Munn
   RACC15. Favourite New Title:  The Daily Super Short-Short Story
   The `Spider Spins'! Little Lulu Web Page Award:  Wil's Ego
   The Rabbit-Breeders Cup:  Martin Phipps
   The Image Testimonial Timepiece (Batteries Not Included):  Everyone
13th Annual LNH ACCie Awards
   LNH1.  Favourite Writer
          Finalists: Saxon Brenton, Jessica Ihimaera-Smiler, Martin 
          Phipps, and Dave Van Domelon
          Winner:  Saxon Brenton
   LNH2.  Favourite Ongoing Series
          Finalists:  The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation, 
          Easily-Discovered Man, and Limp-Asparagus Lad
          Winner:  The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation
   LNH3.  Favourite Mini-Series
          Finalists:  Bride of C'thulhu, Cauliflower the Christmas 
          Miracle Pooch, LNH Asia: Full Throttle, and Ultimate Mercenary
          Winner:  Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch
   LNH4.  Favourite Arc
          Finalists:  The Alt.Riders #27-29 (Drake/God), The Daily 
          Super Short-Short Story #4-18 (The Garden of Party Time), 
          and The Daily Super Short-Short Story #19-63 ('A Devil Came 
          Down To Georgia')
          Winner:  'A Devil Came Down To Georgia'
   LNH5.  Favourite Single Issue
          Finalists:  The Alt.Riders #29 ('In God We Trust'), The 
          Daily Super Short-Short Story #54 (TJ's history), and 
          Easily-Discovered Man #45 ('Last Fall in the House of Usher')
          Winner:  'Last Fall in the House of Usher'
   LNH6.  Favourite LNHer
          Finalists:  Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch, Fuzzy, 
          and Mouse
          Winner:  Mouse
   LNH7.  Favourite Villain
          Finalists: The Banjo Playing Kangaroos, Drake, The Phantom 
          Raspberry Blower of Old Net.ropolis Towne, Tsar Chasm, and 
          Uma Thurman
          Winner:  Tsar Chasm
   LNH8.  Favourite Supporting Character
          Finalists:  Kyoko Ishikawa, Missy, and Retcon Lad
          Winner:  Kyoko Ishikawa
   LNH9.  Favourite New Character
          Finalists:  Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch, 
          Exciting Leather Stap-On Lass, and TJ
          Winner:  Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch
   LNH10. Favouite Person Who Hangs Out On Alt.Comics.LNH
          Finalists:  Saxon Brenton, Arthur Spitzer, and Dave Van 
          Winner:  Saxon Brenton
   LNH11. The Newbie Award
          [No Eligibles]
The Little Johnny Sako "Come Back Giant Robot, Come Back" Loving Cup
          Finalists:  Scott Johnson, Rob Rogers, Ken Schmidt, and 
          Winner:  Everyone  (and, yes, you all get a colour glossy 
          photograph of this award too)
     Later, backstage, Conflicto and Pointless Awards Man II are 
sharing a beer together.  Both have their jackets off and their ties 
     "Looks like you got away with it for another year, man," says 
     "Yup, sure looks like it," agrees Jamie.
     "So what happens when Pointless Awards Man I finally gets out 
of that closet?"
     "Oh, probably just a fight scene."
     "Oh?  Is that all?"
Saxon Brenton  University of Technology, city library, Sydney Australia
saxon.brenton at uts.edu.au

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