[MISC] An Abecedary of Villainy #8

[Jamie Rosen]

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PqR          An
sTu           Abecedary
VwX                   of
yZA                    Villainy
bCdEfGhIjKlMnOpQrStUvWxYzaBcDeFgHiJkLmNoPqRsTuVwXyZ vol 1, #­8
"Holtzman"


How is an elephant like an automobile?

You don't want to wake up underneath either one!

----

Harvey Holtzman was tired. Harvey Holtzman was sick. Harvey Holtzman
was sick and tired of being sick and tired. So Harvey Holtzman strapped
on a surgical mask and decided to hold up a bank.

That was just the way Harvey Holtzman thought.

Unfortunately for, well, everyone, someone else had decided to rob the
bank. Someone a little more dangerous than Harvey Holtzman. An alien.
And, as the alien's Morphotic Ray backfired, Harvey Holtzman found
himself bathed in a strange, unearthly kind of energy.

Needless to say, Harvey Holtzman did not proceed with his planned bank
robbery.

The next day, Harvey Holtzman awoke feeling different. Healthy. In
fact, Harvey Holtzman felt better than he had ever felt before. So much
better, it seemed that he could lift a truck if only he felt like it.
Instead, Harvey Holtzman decided to paint the town red. Seven hours and
several cans of paint later, Harvey Holtzman had done just that.

A lot of people were annoyed. So annoyed that the police were called.
The national guard was called. Over time, even the local superhero was
called.

Right about then, Harvey Holtzman noticed something different about his
body. Yellow, pustulent sacs were growing from his pores at an alarming
rate.

(Although really, any rate of growth for yellow, pustulent sacs is an
alarming one.)

By the time the local hero, Captain Gary Indiana, was on the scene,
there was little more to see about Harvey Holtzman than a grotesque
agglomeration of yellow, pustulent sacs, vaguely outlining a humanoid
form. Captain Gary Indiana grimaced and stepped back as the pustulent
creature that had been Harvey Holtzman shambled down Main Street,
groaning, moaning, and leaving a trail of ichor in its wake.

Watching the scene unfold, the good Captain surmised that the
fascination with the red paint had been an expression of the creature's
instinctive needs, and he quickly rounded up as much red paint as was
left in the city and drenched the one-time Harvey Holtzman in it.

As the crimson liquid struck the creature, the impact burst the
pustulent sacs and the resultant mixtures streamed to the ground below.
Standing there, drenched in orange, was a strangely mellow Harvey
Holtzman.

"How do you feel?" asked Captain Gary Indiana.

"Better," answered Harvey Holtzman. "In fact, I feel fine." Harvey
Holtzman was amazed. He didn't feel sick; he didn't feel tired; but he
didn't feel so healthy he could lift a truck, either. He just...
felt... fine!

"Just as I thought," the good Captain declaimed to a nearby youth. "The
mixture of Harvey Holtzman's illness with the Morphotic Ray of that
illegal alien resulted in a creature desperately in need of one thing
-- Vitamin C -- the kind of vitamin found in..."

The youth stuck his finger in the orange liquid and licked it. "Orange
juice!" he shouted, smiling.

"Exactly." Captain Gary Indiana tousseled the child's hair, then took
to the skies once more.

Harvey Holtzman, meanwhile, went home and had a nap.

THE END

Author's Note: Well, why not?

Kind of a golden age kitsch vibe to this one, you could say. I really
have to stop writing these on the fly so I can put a bit more subtext
and/or coherence into them.

Why are so many people in the world stupid?

(c) Copyright 2005 Jamie Rosen, for what it's worth.