[MISC] An Abecedary of Villainy #7
jamie.rosen at sunlife.com
Fri Mar 4 16:03:07 PST 2005
bCdEfGhIjKlMnOpQrStUvWxYzaBcDeFgHiJkLmNoPqRsTuVwXyZ vol 1, #7
God is known for working in mysterious ways, but He is not the only
one. Mad scientists, too, can have inscrutable designs.
Please forgive any typoes you may find in this text. Keyboards are not
meant for one with fingers the size of mine, and pens are best used by
those with opposable thumbs.
My name is Friday. I was created -- no, nothing quite that Biblical --
I was *elevated* by one Dr. Zbornak, an elderly woman who had long
tired of the company of man. Not men, mind you, but man in general. She
was a genius beyond the ordinary scope of genii, but she was a mad
genius. I will not beat around the bush. She was quite mad.
But she was my teacher and my benefactor, and for that I will always
hold a great deal of fondness and regard for her. For many years she
was my only companion, much as I was hers; it was most likely not a
healthy environment for either of us, but we made do, and even now I
feel the occasional pang of sorrow at her passing. At the same time,
there is an undertone of bitterness to my memories, for until her
interference, I was quite at home in my native jungle surroundings.
When Dr. Zbornak was on her death bed, she made me promise her two
things -- that I would continue on her research, and that I would
fulfill the promise she had seen in me. Neither promise has proven easy
to keep; her research into the elevation of not just apes, but all
manner of animals, vegetables, even inanimate matter and energy, has
brought me into conflict with those who do not share her villain. Their
names and motives are as varied as the fauna of the Earth, and a list
could never capture every one. Suffice it to say that I have made more
enemies than friends in the pursuit of Dr. Zbornak's goals, and in the
wee hours when this gorilla finds it hard to sleep, those choices taunt
That is why I have decided to put down this memoir. Not to justify my
actions, which need no justification, but to provide a glimpse into the
man inside the ape. I am like you, although I am hairier. I bleed. I
long. I dream.
If all the world were elevated as I am, consider the possibilities!
Communication at the speed of light -- virii that could be reasoned
with -- the possibility of true communion with nature in all its forms!
But I digress. My purpose was not to proselytize. Either you agree with
me or do not; I have tired of the argumentative approach.
In the time since Dr. Zbornak's passing, when I have battled those men
and women called heroes, as well as those called villains and those
called nothing whatsoever, I have grown to love you all. So many of you
fight for your beliefs, die for your beliefs (even kill for your
beliefs, the only species that I know to do so) that I cannot help but
admire you. And so it is with great sorrow in my heart every time I am
brought into conflict with you, for I understand that Dr. Zbornak's
vision is not -- cannot -- be shared by the majority of the populace. I
understand it, and I accept it.
But my promise to Dr. Zbornak must outweigh that understanding; I
cannot break a promise made on her deathbed. And so it is with a heavy,
heavy heart that I inform you that at this very moment, my satellites
are coming into alignment to initiate the final phase of Project
Rapture. You will not be harmed -- at least, not directly -- but the
world itself, every fibre of creation, will soon be uplifted as I was.
Please, remember that I love you all.
Author's Note: It's hard to write a coherent story while also fielding
calls about people's insurance policies. I hope the above passes the
I do believe this is my first time writing about an intelligent,
No, wait, I wrote about Gorilla Gord in my 3-day novel.....
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