[LNH] Onion Lad #3
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Sun Jun 26 19:31:33 PDT 2005
Ultimate Ninja sat in a modified dentist's chair that had about
thirty high tech gizmos attached to it, none of which he truly
understood. Doctor Stomper and Adamant Authority on Everything stood
looking over screens and twisting knobs.
"Alright," said Doctor Stomper. "Bring in the crystal now."
I walked into the small room carrying a large crystal that was
approximately two feet tall and three feet wide. I grunted softly as
he dragged himself across the room before handing the crystal over to
"Sheesh, I don't know why you guys are so interested in my shiny
quartz crystal. I found it at a flea market. It was next to one of
those pictures of Elvis on black velvet and box full of Budha soap on a
rope," I said. "It's just a trinket carried by a retired fortune
"That maybe water the storekeeper believed but by analysis shows
that it is actually the same type of energy refraction crystal that is
used by the Peagusiods to disengage the status devices on their
extragalactic space flights," said Adamant Authority on Everything.
"So?" I said.
"So," Ultimate Ninja said. "If we can use it break the stasis
field that surrounds me, then I should return to the same physiological
state I was in before I entered it. Which includes growing back my
"Ah... okey dokey," I replied.
Stomper looked back his devices.
"Conditions are go," Stomper said.
The room was soon encapsulated in white light for a few seconds.
When the light cleared two additional figures were standing in the
room. There were three dentists' chairs, each with their own
Ultimate Ninja. Oddly enough, only one of them was missing a hand.
"What in the world?" asked Adamant Authority on Everything.
"Um... did I forget to mention that I accidentally spilled Wild Blue
Raspberry Kool-Aid on it?" I asked.
Onion Lad #3
Enter: Teriyaki Chick Part One of Three
Butter Off Dead
By Jesse N. Willey
Based loosely on a plot by Jesse N. Willey and Dane Martin
The story you are about to hear is true. It was Thursday, 9:43 AM.
My name is Lad, and I'm a superhero. I'm sworn to protect this
city like it was... like it was... well... y'know... important or
something. But my partner Peelix and I like to sleep in on Thursdays.
You know, we missed the big show. And no... we didn't sleep in
together. I mean, I'm human, he's a toon cat. That would be
wrong on so many levels. Plus, he'd wet the bed. Urination.
It's what he does. His 'super power' if you will.
"Whattya doin?" Peelix asked.
"Typing my notes into my communication card," I answered.
"I can see that, ya bum! We haven't even seen the bank robbery
yet. Not only that, it reads like Rod Serling's illegitimate child
with Joe Friday," Peelix responded.
Ah yes... the bank robbery. It's why were called down to this
section of town. I had been caught sleeping during my shift and the
Ninjas decided it'd be great punishment for me to take up this
assignment. I was just recovering from having to cook all that Dorfan
"Officer Swanson, Net.tropolis, PD..." said one of the cops.
"Onion Lad and Peelix, LNH," I said as I showed him my
communication card. "Um... we heard this was a super crime."
"This way," Swanson said.
"The paint job in here really sucks," Peelix replied.
That's when I noticed that Swanson was pointing at the wall. A
greasy yellow substance stained the room from carpet to ceiling. I
licked it. It tasted diary like, but something was just slightly off
about it. I didn't know what exactly but my cook's instinct told
me to run the spectral analyzer from my communication card over it.
"Don't bother, it's just butter," Swanson said.
"No," I said. "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
"Meaning?" Swanson said.
"I don't know," I said. "Perhaps, I should look at the
"Fine, I'll call Browsing Boy to see what he can find out about
the MO," Peelix said.
The bank was black and white and moved very quickly. Probably because
I was watching it at maybe 15 frames per second. The costumers were
going about with their banking. A kind of cute girl in a tank top and
skirt is walked up to the information desk. She looked familiar. Then
from the back window the drive thru is visible. A hummer pulled up.
The door opened. Three men get out. One of them is really big. He
burst through the wall where the tellers are.
"Umm... can you turn up the volume?' I asked.
The tellers and costumers began to shout. The girl vanished. The
three men began to gather up the money. Another man entered the room.
He's carrying two strange looking guns. One of them was aimed at
the robbers and the other was aimed the girl.
"Give me the money," the man said.
"We will man.... once we sort out our share," said the big man.
"I don't think you understand me," the man said.
He shot the men and the weird ray just turned them into blobs of I
Can't Believe It's Not Butter. The man grinned. And that laugh.
For some reason his chuckle sounded just like my old next door neighbor
"Oh my god! The girl. It's Terri!" I shouted.
I stepped outside. Peelix was running toward me waiving his
communication card in the air. I went to meet him half way, stopping
behind a column out in front of the bank.
"I've got a name," Peelix said.
"Doctor Darius Non, 345 Willabee Street Net.tropolis?" I asked.
"No, a super villain who calls himself Doctor
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter," Peelix said. "What gave you
that crazy idea?"
"Nothing," Onion Lad said.
"Anyway, the guy is new to the job. He just got his union card on
Tuesday," Peelix said.
"Fine, let's go check out his house," I said.
"No way, you wacko! Browsing Boy said this guy can't be beaten
with tears and urine. This is too dangerous for us. They're
sending us some backup," Peelix said.
"Oh? Like who? A guy who eats cheesecakes..." I said.
"... who was combat trained by Ultimate Ninja? We should be so
lucky," Peelix responed.
"Then who?" Onion Lad asked.
Then an LNH Street.thingee with tinted windows came driving down the
street. Its tires were at least three sizes too big and the back of
the car was shaking from the intense base from the speakers. The
driver's side window rolled down and the driver's face became
"What up dawgs," the driver said.
"Oh no!" I whined. "Not him."
"Who?" asked Peelix.
"The one guy Ultimate Ninja hates more than me," I replied.
"They sent an empty car?" Peelix said.
"No... worse it's Ebonics Lad," I said.
Ebonics Lad stepped out of the car. A little hedge in the background
moved somewhat swiftly. It was an incredibly fast hedge.
"Dude, what's yo problem with me? I didn't start nothin'"
"You tried to get me kicked out at my try out."
"Besides that, boy," he said.
"Uh... guys..." Peelix muttered.
"You played your music so loud I couldn't sleep."
"I did that to half the building, bro."
"Guys the hedge is moving...
"Can you cut that out! That's not even a real afro. I've seen
Aaron McGruder draw ones that were more convincing. You're one of
those guys who was completely bald by the time they were twenty
three," Onion Lad said.
"You know what? Ninj wanted me to go with you to fight Doctor
ButtaMofo? Screw dat," he said.
Ebonics Lad got in the Street.thingee. He turned the ignition and
energy bolts erupted from the car. I screamed. The next thing I
remember was the smell of boiling hot
"I... I think he's dead," I said.
"Thank God," Peelix said. "That could have been us."
I got on my communication card and told Ultimate Ninja #2 what
"Fine, I'll send Captain Cleanup and Hearse Driving Lad there at
once," he said. "I wish we had more help to spare. You'll have
to gun it on your own."
"Great," Onion Lad said. "Where are we going to find some to
help us now?"
There was a loud thump as someone landed on the ground. The awning
of the bank was still beginning to uncrinkle from their leap. Staring
down at the ground, I saw the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.
Even hotter than Catalyst Lass.
"The name's Teriyaki Chick. Mind if I tag along boys?" she
To be Continued...
Ultimate Ninja created by Ray Bingham. Onion Lad created by Dane
Martin and Tom Russell Jnr. Peelix the Cat and Ebonics Lad created by
Tom Russell Jnr. Officer Swanson and Teriyaki Chick created by Jesse
Willey. Stomper, Cheesecake Eater Lad, Adamant Authority on
Everything, Browsing Boy and Catalyst Lass are Public Domain. This
document copyright Jesse N. Willey.
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