[LNH] Legion of Net.Heroes volume 2 #6

Jamie Rosen jamie.rosen at sunlife.com
Thu Jun 9 19:22:37 PDT 2005

___  ___________________________
| |-|                           \
| |-| []                        /
| | | [] egion of               \
| | | []__ [] []   []  []       / #6 "The Spectacular
| | | [___][ \[]et.[]__[]eroes  \ Super Fred"
| | |      []\ ]   [ __ ]       /
| |-|      [] []   []  []       \
| |-|___________________________/
| |
| | (The cover shows a giant furry
| | lizard menacing the LNHHQ. As the
| | LNHers assemble to confront the
| | monster, Fred the Receptionist, in
| | a striking black and red bodysuit,
| | flies past them, proclaiming "Stand
| | back, Net.Heroes -- this is a job
|_| for Fred the Receptionist!")

[[]]Fred's Diary

It's not the sort of day I like. The place is dead. Nobody's coming or
going, not even any bothersome press, angry mobs, or stupid kids who
think they can get into the LNH simply because they've tacked a
descriptor in front of the word "Boy" or "Girl." I don't think we
really need a Flabby Lad or Too Much Make-Up Lass on the team.

I remember when it wasn't like this. Used to be, the days were busy but
fun. The people who applied for membership were qualified for the job.
They could, you know, *do* things. Kid Kirby. Fourth Wall Lass. Even
Special-Bonding Boy -- *those* are real Net.Heroes. I'd hate to think
the world's passing the Legion by.

Bah. The phone's ringing. Probably a wrong number. Or worse, a
telemarketer. I guess I'll come back to this later.


"Legion of Net.Heroes," Fred the Receptionist said, picking up the
phone. "How may we be of assistance?"

"Oh thank goodness!" said the voice on the other line. "I need two
large pepperoni pizzas, a bottle of Mr. Paprika, an order of chicken

"Excuse me, ma'am," Fred said. "This is the Legion of Net.Heroes. We
don't deliver pizza."

"You don't?"


"Are you sure?"

"Yes, ma'am."

She sighed exasperatedly. "Well why did you answer the phone then?!"

Before Fred could figure out how to respond to this question, she hung

Grumbling words not fit for the eyes of children, Fred returned the
phone to its cradle and turned back to his monitor. .oO( Where was I? )
he thought to himself. .oO( Hmm, no matter. Perhaps a game of Hearts is
in order. ) He moved the cursor over the icon on his desktop, but when
he clicked the mouse button the screen turned blue.

 ERROR: An unspecified file has comitted an unspecified error. Please
 call for assistance.

Fred frowned. He tried the three-fingered salute: nothing. He tried it
again: still no response. Then he reached for the power button on his
computer's tower.


A bolt of mysterious variegated energy leapt from the space between his
finger and the button, enveloping both Fred and the computer in its
aura. Fred felt a charge through every pore of his body, the hairs on
his forearms standing on end, and found himself lying on the floor
beneath his desk.

"Oh my," Fred mumbled woozily, holding his head as he got up. "What
happened...? I feel so... so strange!"

The phone rang again, and Fred grabbed it with Ninja-like reflexes --
and ripped the receiver and cord from the body of the phone!

"What the hey?!" he exclaimed. "Why, that strange blast of energy seems
to have granted me the abilities of every member of the Legion of
Net.Heroes!" he added, exhibiting the suddenly-acquired insight of
either Doctor Stomper or Theory Man, depending. He thought for a
moment. "And I also seem to have destroyed my phone. Hmph." Thankfully,
he kept a drawer full of replacement phones for just such an occurence,
and was able to replace it in record time thanks to his newfound
Net.ahuman abilities.

And just in time, too.


"Hello, Legion of Net.Heroes. How may we help you today?"

"Oh thank goodness!" said the voice on the other end of the line. "I'm
in downtown Net.ropolis, and there's a giant green monster rampaging
through the city."

Fred's face lit up slightly. "All right," he said. "May I have your

"Sure." As Fred jotted down the address, he noticed something familiar
about it.

"Hang on," he said. "That's right across the street."

"I know!" replied the voice on the other end. "And it's heading your
way!" Then, with the sound of severing phone lines, the line went dead,
and an ear-splitting scream echoed from outside of the LNHHQ.

Fred reached for the intercom to summon the Legion, but before he could
do so the front of the lobby caved in and a fifteen-foot creature
resembling a bipedal iguana in a fur coat barrelled into the room.

"ROAAWRRR!" it roared.

.oO( No time for the Legion! ) Fred thought to himself. .oO( Let's see
what these powers can do. ) Leaping to his feet, Fred struck what he
hoped was a dramatic pose and challenged the monster. "Hey!" he
shouted. "I hope you've got insurance!"

"ROAAWRRR!" the monster replied, shaking its head. It then grabbed a
chunk of rubble and threw it at Fred, who dodged it nimbly, grabbing
the severed phone cord with one hand as he calculated the perfect
trajectory for his toss.

"Catch!" he said, throwing the severed cord -- weighted with the
receiver at one end -- in such a way as to wrap it around the monster's
legs. Unfortunately, the phone cord was in no way strong enough to keep
the monster bound, and it broke free with depressing ease.

"ROAAWRRR!" it reiterated. It then leapt at Fred, who dodged once more
and dealt it a mighty blow to the side.

"Take that! And that!" he added, punching it once more. The creature
whimpered and backed off a bit. .oO( Now, ) Fred thought in the
moment's respite he was granted, .oO( Why would a giant monster rampage
through downtown Net.ropolis... ) He put the combined intellects and
knowledge of Dr. Stomper, Self-Righteous Preacher Man, Special-Bonding
Boy, and innumerable other LNHers to work on the problem. Meanwhile,
his body set to work dodging the not-so-jolly green giant and trading
blows with it.

At one point, the creature backed off once more using two
perfectly-executed backflips, followed by the splits, and Fred
experienced a breakthrough. .oO( Of course! Abandonment issues... ) He
held up his hands in a peaceful manner. "Please," he said imploringly.
"No more fighting. I understand what you are going through."

The creature cocked its head to one side and looked at Fred, puzzled.

"I had problems being accepted by my parents as well," Fred went on.
"My family is full of doctors -- lawyers -- diplomats... The thought
that my life's ambition was to be a receptionist, even a receptionist
to the largest and best-known Net.Hero team in the world, saddened
them." He could feel himself tearing up. "I know how hard it can be...
feeling like you've let them down. Like they're disappointed in you.
Like they don't understand. But -- it's okay. It's okay to be

The creature's eyes seemed to cloud for a moment, and it sniffled.
Then, shaking its head violently, its eyes cleared again and it charged
at Fred, growling, and tearing his suit with its claws.

.oO( Then again, maybe it's just a big monster. ) Fred flew up to the
ceiling, where the creature couldn't reach him [They have high ceilings
in the lobby -- Ed.] and caught his breath. Then, shrugging, he just
flew back down and beat the monster up. Even a fifteen-foot iguana in a
fur coat was no match for the skills of Ultimate Ninja coupled with the
strength of Writer's Block Woman.

The monster staggered back and collapsed onto Fred's desk, crushing it.
Concerned, the receptionist rushed over to check on the beast, leaning
on the wreckage of the desk for balance. As his hand neared the toppled
tower of his PC, another flash of energy appeared, this time enveloping
Fred, the computer, and the unconscious body of the monster. When
Fred's vision cleared, the creature was gone, and he could feel his
powers fading.

.oO( It must have been a manifestation of the bad parts of my psyche, )
he mused with the last scraps of super-intelligence. .oO( Like in that
Superman movie. I got the heroic parts, and the monster got the bad
parts... ) He paused. .oO( Then again, maybe it was just a big monster.
) Exhausted from his battle, he sat down in his chair, not mindful of
the splintered desk surrounding him, and closed his eyes.

Fred came to with a start. He must have drifted off for a moment...

"Hey, Fred. You look tired."

Fred looked up. "Oh, hi, Narcolepsy Lad," Fred said. "I had the
strangest dream..." But before he could go into detail about the
monsters, superpowers, and frantic phonecalls, Narcolepsy Lad collapsed
in a heap on the floor, snoring loudly.

.oO( Oh well. ) Fred thought. .oO( He wouldn't have been interested
anyway. )


"Legion of Net.Heroes," Fred the Receptionist said, picking up the
phone. "How may we be of assistance?"

"Oh thank goodness!" said the voice on the other line. "I need two
large pepperoni pizzas, a bottle of Mr. Paprika, an order of chicken

"We. Don't. Deliver. Pizzas." Fred slammed the phone down onto its
receiver, and stared in shock as his desk collapsed into little bits
that had apparently been held together with crazy glue.

You don't think....




Author's Note: Wow, this series has really taken on a life of its own,
hasn't it? I'm glad to see everyone (well, Saxon and Martin) enjoyed
the title enough to write it!

Uh, don't really have much else to say.

LNH: The Misplaced Adventures

"Hey Time-Waster Lad -- what are you up to?"

"Nothing much, Token Girl. Just going through my old scrapbook here.
Looking at all the old adventures we've been on."


"Yeah. You'd be surprised how many adventures we get up to that don't
even get talked about."

"Like what?"

"Well -- like this one: HTMLad, Parking Karma Kid, Kid Kirby and I did
battle with the Insidious Vulture."

"Sounds scary."

"I'll say -- he was a scavenger who was also a master of disguise. We
almost lost HTMLad when the Vulture disguised himself as a native of
the Island of Javascript.

"And then there was the time Cannon Fodder and I were forced to fight
to the death in the interstellar arena of Ynos, the Terror from Beyond
the Stars."

"Who won?"

"I did, of course. Three times."

"What about this one?"

"Oh yes, one of my personal favourite adventures. Sing-Along Lass, New
Look Lass, and Fourth Wall Lass had to rescue me from the island where
I was being held captive by Stenash the Bikini Demoness. They had to go

"That explains the outfits. Well, this was really neat, Time-Waster
Lad, but I have to go pick up my laundry. Maybe you can show me more
some time."

"Sure. I've got a couple dozen more scrapbooks under my bed."


Contents (c) Copyright 2005, Jamie Rosen

Characters (tm) trademark and/or (c) copyright their respective owners,
all useable without permission unless otherwise indicated.

The Legion of Net.Heroes...
because the world doesn't need another superteam!

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