[LNH] Onion Lad #5

cabbagewielder at yahoo.com cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Sun Jul 10 09:58:04 PDT 2005

Previously: Onion Lad, Peelix the Cat and the mysterious Teriyaki Chick
went to hunt down Doctor I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter and avenge
the death of Ebonics Lad.
Unfortunately for him, in order to escape their several encounters with
the masked madman, Onion Lad had to take something that didn't belong
to him.  That enraged Vel.

	I stared out on the barnyard with my sensorscope.  I had a feeling
those do-gooders would come after me.   After all, I'm a Super
Villains Guid of America certified level threat to world peace.   What
I did not expect was the old eighty seven dash oh nine in my first time

	"Look, if this about not returning your mother's cookbook..."
Onion Lad said.
	"It's about more than that," Vel said.

	Any minute now these two super humans would pound the snot out of each
other.  Which, according to my handbook, buys me time to complete stage
two of my plans while.... geeze.  What was it again?

	"Do you want us to waste them, boss," said Vincent, my goon.
	"Not yet.   Wait until one has almost wiped out the other," I

	Yeah, that was it.  The handbook's first rule: the best battles are
those your enemies fight for you.   Once one hero was removed from the
playing field, the other three should be easy enough to take out.  I
turned my attention back to the sensorscope.

	"... and look, Vel, I'm sorry I took the timeporter remote without
asking.  Okay.  It was an emergency," Onion Lad said.

	The dorf... or maybe half dorf... threw a punch at Onion Lad.   The
little guy was tougher than I thought because he was knocked to the
ground but did not immediately pass out.  So that was a point for him.

	"It's dangerous technology.  I keep it in the diplomatic security
vault for a reason," Vel said.
	"Oh man, that hurt," Onion Lad said.

	Then the girl got into the fight.   Blasting the dorf with some sort
of laser.  It had a familiar quality about it.   Though it didn't
seem to do anything to the dorf except annoy him.

	"Get off of him!  He was only trying to help me," said Teriyaki
	"This is LNH business.  Back off," Vel snorted.

	Onion Lad #5
	Enter: Teriyaki Chick Part Three
	Butter Get My Side of the Story
	By Jesse N. Willey

	My plan was working brilliantly.  Strictly by the book.   Onion Lad
was dusting himself off.  Vel was brawling it out with Teriyaki Chick.
 The Cat... the cat was.

	"Freeze!" he shouted.

	The Cat was right behind me.  The oldest tactic in the book.   Send
the ineffective one to battle the bad guy as a distraction.  The good
old plan three eighty five.  It was simply a matter of countering with
the nine twelve.

	"I think not," I spouted.    "For you see..."

	I glared down at the cat.  His fur was slowly turning yellow and
greasy.   I did an almost bug eyed thing I learned in acting class
while I grinned.

	"What?  What are you doing to me?" Peelix said.
	"... there is more than one to skin a cat," I giggled.

	The toon cat collapsed in on the ground.  His eyes became small Xs and
he was suddenly and inexplicably holding a rose in his hands.

	"What do you want me to do with the body," Vincent asked.
	"Go outside tie him to the weathervane.  He shall be an example to
the others by playing a part in one of my favorite plays," I said.
"A cat on a hot tin roof."
	"Very well sir," Vincent replied.

	He didn't laugh?  He didn't laugh.  Oh well, it's so hard to
find good help these days.   As Vincent carried off the body I turned
my eyes back to the sensorscope.

	They were still going fast and furious.   It was time for stage three
of my plans.    But first I had to eliminate the heroes permanently.
After all, they could always stop me from blowing up the
I-Can't-Be-Believe-It's-Not-Butter factory and then destroying
every dairy cow on the planet making me the sole source of cow dairy
flavored butter products anywhere on Earth.   Have you ever had ice
cream made from goat's milk.   No? It's quite disgusting really.
Though not quite as bad as what they feed astronauts.  My half brother
used to sell it to public schools all along the East Coast of the
United States.  Goat's milk ice cream I mean.  Not astronaut food.
Of course, astronaut food would probably be too expensive to mass
produce for public schools.  Otherwise they could say to kids "Mmm.
Roast beef paste!  Try spreading that on your sandwich instead of
peanut butter!"  But that would probably only work one time before the
kids realized how gross it was.  Anyway... that was before my
half-brother went truly mad and tried to wipe out all of humanity.

	"You stupid Dorf, start picking on someone your own size,"
Teriyaki Chick said.
	"Like who?  Shaq?" Vel asked.

	Then, in a moment of pure inspired genius I used my magic glare
through the sensorscope.  Not to turn them into
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter... because the girl had
mysteriously proven herself immune, but the ground below them.  Before
long they were sludging along through a river of yellow goo.

	"Guys, I think we should stop fighting now," said Onion Lad.
"See Vel, I did need it."

	Vel looked down at goo.   He didn't seem happy.  Worst of all, I
could tell from his body language that he saw the little guy had a
point.  He pulled himself and the girl out of the slime.

	"Fine.  We'll deal with the arbitration under the Yaboo accords
later.   I'll seek only a week of indentured servitude," Vel said.
	"Fine, in return...," Onion Lad said.  "Here."

	Onion Lad handed Vel the device.

	"We need a plan," Teriaki Chick said.
	"I got one," Onion Lad.  "Since he's obviously doing mad
gimmick 208.."
	"No, it's a 702..." Vel said.
	"You guys are totally wrong.   It's 34-Q," she said.
	"You could be right.  In any case we need to do..." Vel said.
	"Uhh... Vel, I think I see a sensorscope," Onion Lad said.
	"Right... we need to do a 87-G but first teleport us out of here,"
Vel said.


	I, of course, was frantic.  87-G?  I flipped through my book rapidly.
  87-G?  87-G?  Of course I eventually found it under 'The
Contingency Plans'.

	"Ah, here it is..." I said.  "Rescue the advance man who was
playing possum and taking out all the guards and jamming the internal
security sensors just long enough for you (the villain) to be caught
off guard and completely by..."
	"Hi, there, how ya doing pally," said Peelix.
	"sur... surprise?" I stuttered.

	The door swooshed open.

	"Just like we went over team.  Teriyaki Chick.... Help out Peelix.
Onion Lad-do like I've been training you in the peril room...."
Vel said.
	"I've been visiting Opium dens, Mother.  Yes, Opium dens!"
Onion Lad shouted.

	My head and lungs made some type of involuntary motion.   I was
laughing.   The ground turned to mush and I was beginning to sink in
quicksand-er-Quick I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter.  You know
what I mean.
	"What?  No-no not your speech for the team's production of Glass
Menagerie.  The other thing," Vel said.
	"Whatever works," Onion Lad said as he slapped the cuffs on me.
	"Nevermind.  I'll shut down the main computer," Vel said.

	Of course, what use are handcuffs to a man who can turn anything into
non-dairy cream.   Onion Lad leapt back just as Teriyaki Chick kicked
me in the jaw.  Usually, you didn't see this type of teamwork in a
group until they had known each other for years.

	Known each other for years.  Of course.  The letter Fitzergerald sent.
  He was Onion Lad.   The reason Teriyaki Chick wasn't affected by
the I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter beams was because she is... a
super hero with a type four motivation. I slowly pulled myself out of
the ooze.

	"Vel... we're going to need someway to disable the nanos," Onion
Lad said.
	"I have some friends at Weinstein.  They say their past
genemodification phase and I don't want to warp time again but.."
Vel said.
	"But what?" Onion Lad whined.
	"Buy me five minutes," Vel said.
	"What?  How?  I'm not that skilled a hero.  I'm just a cook,"
Onion Lad asked.
	" 'A hero is no braver than normal man.  He's just braver for
five minutes longer'.    That's your gift.  I've seen war scarred
Dorf generals who don't have half your guts.  Now go out there...
sing a song... dance... anything... just buy me some time," Vel said.

	"Yes, sir," Onion Lad said.  "Hey Peelix.  One and a two and a
one two, three, four."

	The cat, Teriyaki Chick and Onion Lad spun around.   When they stopped
spinning they were dressed in various period costumes.  The Cat was
pirate and Onion Lad was George Washington.    They spun again and the
cat was dressed up like a greaser, Onion Lad was dressed up like a
baseball player and Teriyaki Chick was dressed in a cheerleader
costumes, only she was still wearing her cowl.

	"Be true to your school..." Peelix sang.
	"Just like you would to your girl..." Onion Lad continued.

	That's when I just about lost it.  I finally freed myself and
charged her and the cat with my energy bolts flying wildly.   Onion Lad
seemed to know exactly where I was shooting and dodged every time.

	"I'll kill you all!" I shouted.
	"Vel... a little help here..." Onion Lad said.
	"Just a little bit longer, " he said.  "You know what to do."

	Peelix handed something to Onion Lad as he threw him up over the
catwalk.  Onion Lad landed triumphantly.   I turned my beams directly
on him.

	"What is that idiot doing?" I asked.

	The boy glared down at us all.  I prepared my butterbolts and waited.

	"I uh... just flew in from Sig.ago," Onion Lad muttered.  "And
boy are my arms tired."
	"BOOO! Get off the stage!" Peelix shouted.
	"You're booing your own teammate?"I asked without removing my
aim from the boy.
	"You have to admit, he stinks," Peelix said.
	"So... stop me if you heard this one..." Onion Lad said.
	"Stop!" I shouted.
	"Anyway... this guy gets pulled over for speeding.  The cop gives
him a ticket.   The cop says, I need to search your car.  Y'know,
cause you might be a terrorist or something.   So, he looks around and
sees these penguins.  So the cop says, you should take these penguins
to the zoo," Onion Lad said.
	"A few seconds more..." Vel whispered.

	  I fired some energy bolts at the platform below him and he fell.
Peelix ran beneath him and was flattened.   Onion Lad seemed fine.  Vel
ran up to him and handed him the remote.

	"You're letting me..." Onion Lad said.
	 "Your case, your collar pal," Vel said.
	 "Anyway, the next day the cop pulls the guy over for speeding
again.  And tells him he'll have to search the car.   The cop sees
the penguin again only now they're wearing sun glasses.  So the cop
says 'I told I you to take these penguins to the zoo,'" Onion
said as he pushed the button.
	"I did, but we had so much fun, we're going to the beach today,"
I groaned.
	"Gee... I guess you have heard that one..." Onion Lad said.

	He pushed the button and then I arrived here, in this containment
cell.   I waited a few hours and that's when you came in.


	The glowing ball wavered in the air.

	"So, Doctor I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter, AKA, Doctor Darius
Non, half-brother to the cursed Doctor Killfile," the ball said.
"What would you say if I invited you to a family reunion of sorts."
	"What sort of family reunion?" I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter
	"One where we destroy the LNH," the ball said.
	"Where do I sign on?" he said.
	"Just follow the bouncing ball..." it said.

	  Next: The Secret Origin of Onion Lad.

Onion Lad created by Tom Russell Jnr and Dane Martin.  Doctor
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter created by Dane Martin. Peelix the
Cat and Deliah 'The Bouncing Ball' Joy created by Tom Russell Jnr.
Teriyaki Chick and Vel created by Jesse N. Willey.  This document is
copyright Jesse N. Willey.   Special thanks to Martin Phipps for
graciously donating a joke.

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