[LNH] Onion Lad #4
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Sun Jul 3 12:17:55 PDT 2005
Previously: In an attempt to disrupt the strange
stasis field around Ultimate Ninja, Stomper, Adamant
Authority on Everything and Onion Lad performed an
experiment which accidentally triplicated him.
Onion Lad, Peelix and Ebonics Lad then went on to
investigation which led them to a villain named Doctor
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter. After Ebonics Lad's
death, the two almost heroes encountered a mysterious
costumed person who wishes to help them.
"The name's Teriyaki Chick. Mind if I tag along
boys?" I asked.
Onion Lad just stares at me like I'm some kind of
shooting star. He wouldn't if he knew who I was. Or
maybe he would. It's been a long time since Charles
and I talked. After his letter though, I figured if
he could get in the LNH would let anyone join.
"Uh-uh-uh," Onion Lad stammered.
"What I think crybaby here means to say is," Peelix
said. "of course."
"I figured as much. We don't have time. Doctor
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter is off to make the
purchase now," she said.
"What purchase?" Onion Lad asked.
"No time," she said.
Onion Lad #4
Enter: Teriyaki Chick Part Two
For Butter or Worse
By Jesse N. Willey
Based loosely off a plot by Jesse N. Willey and Dane
They didn't know about the purchase. Geez, they are
pathetic in a cute lost puppy dog sort of way. I'd
let them tag along and claim most of the credit.
They could probably be my foot in the door the rest of
I motioned them to follow me and they did. The
Teriyakimobile was parked. I signaled the doors to
open from the device on my utility belt. They hop in
the car after me. Dad would freak if he knew I was
doing this. His sweet little girl has a sour side.
"Computer, replay situation analysis," I said.
"Cool car," Onion Lad said.
"Thanks," I said.
"Doctor I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter (aka Doctor
Darius Non) is en route to meet his contact in the
yakuza at Otaku Hut Books and Video. There he will
pay exactly $257,345.38 for a stolen colony of
Weinstein Technologies genetic remodification
nanites," the computer said.
"Take us there," I said.
"He'll buy what?" Onion Lad asked.
"Little tiny robots. They're to help him
internalize his power," I said.
"Why? Isn't he powerful enough with his machines?"
Onion Lad asked.
"The SVGA has suffered a financial crisis. Gadget
based villains no longer receive full health
benefits," I replied.
"The S-V-G- What?" Onion Lad replied.
"Do you always ask this many questions?" I asked.
"Only when I'm not tripping over my own shoes," Onion
All these years and he still hadn't changed. I
figured as much from his letter. I missed him. I
"Uh... guys, we didn't check his house. Don't we need
evidence or something?" Peelix squealed.
"Yeah, I thought so to. But if the pretty girl says
otherwise who am I to argue," Onion Lad said.
"I don't know, something doesn't seem quite right
here," Peelix said.
We entered the Otaku Hut shortly after the lunch
crowd had left. Various DVDs some official copies and
various bootlegs lined the walls. Old spinning racks
were filled with Manga digests. The clerk was
staring blankly at TV next to the cash register, not
wanting to miss a moment of the episode of Trigun he
"An anime store? Isn't this more of Kid
Enthusiastic's niche," Peelix asked.
"Come on, if you're going to be heroes, you have to
learn to step on people's toes," I said with a smile.
"Umm... excuse me sir," Onion Lad asked the clerk.
"Have you seen a guy in a weird yellow spandex suit
walk in here?"
"He's in the back room with the manager," the clerk
"Thank you," Onion Lad said.
Onion Lad and Peelix ran for the back door.
"I'll need to see some ID," the clerk said.
"Huh?" Onion Lad said.
The clerk pointed toward a sign on the door. `Hentai
room. Adults Only'.
"Huh?" Onion Lad said. "Aw man, all I have is my LNH
badge and my `Lego Builder's Club' card."
"Don't look at me. I'm a toon cat. I wasn't drawn
with pants," Peelix said.
"Sorry," the clerk said.
"I don't believe this. We're LNHers, buddy," I
replied. "Well, at least they are."
"I don't care if you're Santa Claus. I'm not letting
in there in there with some ID. I could get
arrested, I'd have to call the comic book legal
defense fund cause this place barely scrapes by as it
is and ultimately the store could close," the clerk
I reached into my wallet a pulled out my driver's
license. The Clerk stared at me and then opened to
the door. Doctor I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter was
emerging from a gelatinous metal cocoon.
"Ah... a costumed do gooder," he said. "Perfect. You
shall be the first to feel the wrath of my new power."
He blasted me with a yellow energy bolt. Unlike the
wall, the floors around me and the yakuza henchman and
everything else in the room, I didn't turn into I
Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
"I just hope this doesn't clue him in to my true
identity," I thought.
Then I passed out.
There was a loud drip drip. Then a train whistle.
I couldn't see it, so it was at least four miles away.
Six minutes including its stop. My eyes opened and
I realized I was tied to the second rail of the subway
track. I know, supervillains are so clichéd. The
only original detail was that tracks were slowly being
turned into I can't Believe it's not butter.
Everything had to play into his low-fat non-dairy low
A medium built man was running up the track. I could
tell by the stench that it was Onion Lad. He was
waving a small remote control in his hands. The
Doctor was elsewhere. I needed more information.
"No need to worry Teriyaki Chick. I am here to save
you," Onion Lad said.
"There's no time," I said.
"Sure there is," Onion Lad said as he tugged at my
"I'm chained here," I said. "Take my hair pin out of
He did so. In a quick move that showed off my
gymanistic abilities, I undid my hand restraints.
The train was catching up to us. I reached down to by
belt and pulled out my Teryaki blaster. I got my
ankle restraints off in a jiffy, but streams of blood
ran down. Damn it, I hit myself.
"We have about seconds to get out of here," I said.
"No trouble. I went back to headquarters and
borrowed something," Onion Lad. "Without asking."
Onion Lad and I vanished. Peelix was waiting for us
by the road with a stretch limo. He was waiving a
plastic cigar in his arms and frowned. He seemed to
be shouting at the driver.
"Look buddy, I ordered a pizza and you sent this
overgrown Oldsmobile," Peelix said.
"But sir," the driver said. "It says right here one
"Unless this bucket of bolts has extra cheese..."
"And olives," Onion Lad said.
"But sirs, this is a limosine not a..." the driver
"Didn't I order mushrooms, too?" Onion Lad whined.
"I think ya did," Peelix replied.
"Guys, what happened to the Teriyakimobile?" I asked.
"Don't ask," Onion Lad said. He turned to Peelix and
whispered. "And two hard boiled eggs."
"Why can't we use the teleportation thing again?" I
"I only had time to program in one location," Onion
Lad said. "It was in an old memory cache file."
"Fine, sir, just give me the bill," I said.
The driver pulled out his piece of paper. Peelix
jumped up and intercepted it.
"What? Three hundred dollars for a limosine? This
an outrage," Peelix said as he handed me the bill.
"And if I were you, I wouldn't pay it."
We drove in silence for almost two hours. In wasn't
to till we were way out in the boonies, and I'm
talking emu farms and gas stations outside of places
called Fred's All-Feed boonies-- that anyone spoke.
I pushed the driver's sound proof window up so I could
begin my interrogation.
"I'm only going to ask one more time, what happened
to the Teriyakimobile?" I asked. Though I had a
pretty good idea.
"Well, we were trying to go to rescue you, right?
And I saw that you dropped your keys so I figured I'd
try to drive it," Onion Lad said. "I didn't know
about the sensors in the driver's seat. And.."
"... you accidentally activated my automated safety
device. The ejection seats followed by an
autodestruct," she said. "I see."
"What kind of hero rigs the gadgets like that?" Onion
"One who is very secretive about their secret
identity," I said.
"What are you talking about Terri? I've known it was
you the whole time," Onion Lad said.
The driver had apparently gone to wherever Peelix and
Onion Lad had instructed them to go and stopped the
car. Onion Lad paid his tip, and we hopped out of the
car. That's when the LNH flight thingee came out of
nowhere. A man jumped out the convertible roofed
cockpit and landed on his feet. Dust swooshed through
"Onion Lad!" the man shouted.
"Oh, hi Vel. Are you coming to help us?" he shouted.
"Maybe, maybe not. It's time we settled something
once and for all," Vel said.
The dust cleared and I could see the man looked
vaguely like the dorfs I saw on TV. A mildly bony
forehead that was almost spiky had the flesh not
covered the protusions.
"Look, if this about not returning your mother's
cookbook..." Onion Lad said.
"It's about more than that," Vel said.
Next: It had to happen. Onion Lad Vs. Vel
Doctor I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter belongs to Dane
Onion Lad created by Tom Russell and Dane Martin.
Peelix the Cat created by Tom Russell. Teriyaki
Chick and Vel created by Jesse N. Willey.
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