[LNHY] Google.mesh #8

[phippsmartin at hotmail.com]

On a boat somewhere in the South Pacific, the All
Bad, Even Worse World's Worst Heroes were headed to
Apocalypse Island.

"What are we supposed to do when we get to
Apocalypse Island?" Dazed asked.

"I was wondering about that too," Confused said.

"We're going to go kick some ass," Worserine said,
"I guess."

Sighalot sighed.  "First we're going to have to find
out where they are keeping the World's Worst Heroes.
It will probably be a well guarded place, because
they'll be expecting somebody to try to rescue them,
so it wouldn't be too hard to figure out.  It'll
probably be some place that looks like a fortress."

"Um," Lungshot said, "then what?"

"I've got some stones I can throw at them," Stone
said.

"I'm ready too," Nightcrapper said, holding up a
smelly bag of crap.

"Well I guess we're all ready then," Sighalot said.
She sighed.

Google.mesh #8: Extinction of Vengence, Chapter Five

All over the world, superheroes were fighting
supervillains in a great battle that was destined to
alter the fate of all of its inhabitants:  Swell Boy
had defeated the Before Satan Guy and the Teen
Fascists had joined forces with the Deadly Serious
Squad to defeat SAGneto and his Army of Hollywood
Liberals.  Finally, God himself had intervened in the
Before God Guys' battle with Dir.mandu, bringing
Dir.mandu to the gates of heaven itself where Saint
Christopher and his fellow angels gave the demon a
serious ass whipping.  (All of this was told in recent
issues of Looniverse Y, Teen Fascists, the Deadly
Serious Squad and the Before God Guys, or at least
they would have been told if the latter two titles
actually existed.)  And there was one woman behind of
it, namely the goddess I.sig.

I.sig appeared in the Sanctum of the Sorceror
Supreme of Looniverse Y, that Master of the Mystic
Arts known as Doctor Peculiar.

"Good afternoon, Doctor," she said.

"What do you want, sorceress?" Doctor Peculiar asked
her.

"I am here to destroy you," I.sig said.  "It's
nothing personal.  It's just a deal I made with
Dir.mandu so that he would destroy the Before God Guys
so that the Before Satan Guy would destroy the Teen
Fascists so that SAGneto would destroy the Deadly
Serious Squad so that Doctor Apocalypse would destroy
the World's Worst Heroes and Mr. Serious would then be
free to kill Google.mesh."

"You do weave a complicated plot," Doctor Peculiar
said.

"Thank you," I.sig said.  "I do try.  Alas for the
plot to advance to the next stage and for Google.mesh
to die I must kill you first!"

I.sig struck with a hex that Doctor Peculiar was
barely able to block by swearing to the Hairy Hosts of
Hogwarts!

"Very impressive!" I.sig said.  She raised her hand
and closed it to form a fist.  "How will you handle
this?"  An invisible hand grabbed Doctor Peculiar and
started squeezing him.  "I shall squeeze you to
death!"

"By the Hairy Hosts of Hogwarts!" Doctor Peculiar
swore, "I shall be released!" and he was suddenly free
of the deadly grip.

"Curse you!" I.sig said.  "I was going to make this
quick and painless but I shall toy with you no
longer!"

"No, curse you, witch!" Doctor Peculiar said.  "By
the Hairy Hosts of Hogwarts, I bind you from doing any
harm, not to yourself and not to others!  I bind you,
I.sig, from doing any harm, not to yourself and not to
others!  I bind you from doing any harm, not to
yourself and not to others!"

"Ahhh!!!" I.sig screamed.  "What have you done to
me?"  She tried to strike Doctor Peculiar down but she
found that her powers were gone.  "My powers," she
said, "they're gone!"

Doctor Peculiar nodded with satisfaction.  "Not
entirely," he said, "it's just that you cannot do any
harm to anybody, which means you'll either have to
learn to do good deeds or do without your powers."  He
smiled.  "I picked that spell up from a movie I saw
recently."

"This isn't over!" I.sig promised.  "Soon
Google.mesh will be dead and then I will come back and
deal with you!"

oooGoooGoooGoooGoooGoooGoooGoooGoooGoooGoooGoooGooo

The prison on Apocalypse Island was designed to be
an impenetrable fortress: it was designed to ward off
the best fighters in the world.  It was never intended
to deal with the worst: guard after guard fell to
flying chopsticks, stones, playing cards and bags of
crap as Worserine, Stone, Lungshot, Nightcrapper,
Dazed, Confused and Sighalot broke into the prison and
located the cells containing Cryalot, Fairy, Least,
Pathetic Girl, Liceman, Hack and Pola.rec.

"No, no, no!" Cryalot said.

"It's okay!" Worserine said.  "We're here to rescue
you!"

"Rescue us?" Pathetic Girl asked.

"We just need to find a way in this cell!" Stone
said.

"Yeah," Sighalot said with a sigh.  "That's all we
have to do."

"But -hackhackhack," Hack said, "that won't be
easy."

"I think we're all going to die here!" said Fairy.

"Did we come all this way to give up?" Daze asked.

"I certainly hope not," Confused said.

"Wait!" Nightcrapper said.  "I've got an idea!  It's
something I saw in a Jacky Chan movie!"

"Go on," Lungshot said.

"I can piss on my shirt , wrap the wet shirt around
the bars, twist the shirt and bend the bars!"

"Does everything you do involve a bodily function?"
Sighalot asked.

"Please hurry!" Pola.rec said.

"Yeah!" Least said.  "There'll be more guards
coming!"

"Okay," Nightcrapper said.  "The shirt is good and
wet."  He wrapped it around the bars.

"Ew!" Liceman said.  "What a smell!"

"Look who's talking!" Sighalot said.

"It's working!" NIghtcrapper said.  "The bars are
bending!"

Worserine smiled.  "I think we're going to make it
out of here after all!"

oooGoooGoooGoooGoooGoooGoooGoooGoooGoooGoooGoooGooo

Martin Wryce had gone to seminary school and left
Google.mesh alone in his apartment.  The door bell
rang and Google.mesh went to answer it.

"Hello?" Google.mesh said as he answered the door.

Google.mesh opened the door to see a man in a dark
black suit and dark glasses.  "Is this Martin Wryce's
apartment?" he asked.

"Yes," Google.mesh said.  "It is."

"Ah.  Then you would be Google.mesh."

"Aye," Google.mesh said.  "I am."

The man pulled out a high caliber magnum pistol.  He
fired.  Google.mesh fell to the floor.  Dead.

Mr. Serious turned and walked away without saying a
word.

TO BE CONCLUDED IN LOONIVERSE Y #4!

Martin