[MISC] An Abecedary of Villainy #2 "Cauliflower Ear"

Jamie Rosen jamie.rosen at sunlife.com
Thu Jan 13 12:28:00 PST 2005

PqR          An
sTu           Abecedary
VwX                   of
yZA                    Villainy
bCdEfGhIjKlMnOpQrStUvWxYzaBcDeFgHiJkLmNoPqRsTuVwXyZ vol 1, #3

Cauliflower Ear had a difficult childhood -- who wouldn't, with an
unpopular vegetable sprouting from either side of their head? And so it
shouldn't come as a surprise that from this troubled youth a villain
was formed.

He started out small, stealing apples from fruit stands and crossing
against the light. But soon he graduated to more serious crimes: armed
robbery; pandering; and, worst of all, sending out mass mails promising
v1agra and male extension techniques. At last, the sheer inhumanity of
this final act drove him to seek help, and so one day he found himself
in the office of Dr. Thaddeus Jazzdance-LeFebvre, noted criminal


"Tell me about your mother."

Cauliflower Ear shrugged. "What is there to tell?" he asked, shifting
uncomfortably on the pleather couch. "She was a good woman, your
typical small-town girl seduced by a Greek good disguised as a product
in the produce aisle, then abandoned when she became pregnant. She was
near-sighed and a touch hard of hearing," he went on, "which I think
I've inherited from her. She used to grab my ears when she was making a
salad, and she wouldn't hear me shouting so I'd have to bite her to
make her let me go -- but what child hasn't been through that sort of
thing? She was a very loving parent, and sent me to the finest school
we could afford. Which was the free one, but still, the effort was
there! Money was just tight -- it's hard to hold a job when you get
yourself arrested every time you do the groceries.

"I still remember one time -- I'd gone down to the store for a loaf of
bread, and mum realized she'd forgotten to give me any money, so she
followed me to the store. Boy, it took three or four cans of pepper
spray to pry her off of that rutabaga! But they let her off with a
warning, on account of her extenuating circumstances, and that was the
last I saw of her -- she sent me to live with my aunt and uncle after

"She used to send me care packages, though -- pickled vegetables,
refrigerator magnets in the shape of fruit, postcards telling me how
well her therapy was going. Actually, that's why I didn't want to come
see you -- because I saw what happened to my mother after she went
through all of that. Her postcards got shorter, the care packages came
less frequently, and then she just disappeared altogether, right around
the same time my aunt and uncle kicked me out of the house for getting
Rex fixed. Rex was the paperboy. Without them, and without the care
packages, I had to do *something* to get food, so I stole a loaf of
bread -- I saw someone do it in some French play once. It was mouldy,
but I got away with it and it fed me for a week. And the rest, as they
say, is history."

He glanced over at Dr. Jazzdance-LeFebvre, who was staring idly at the
clouds outside the window.

"I see," the doctor said. "Very interesting. I think we have a lot of
work to do. Now," he continued, turning to face the villain, "take off
your pants."


Author's Note: I told you they wouldn't all be downers. Well, unless
you think of the writing itself as a reason to be depressed.
[c] Copyright 2005, all rights reserved, some assembly required

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