[LNH/Acraphobe] Deja Dude / Master Blaster Special #5

[martinphipps2 at yahoo.com]

  >>And we're back at NNN news headquarters in
Alt.lanta.
  >>You may recall the zombie scare in Net.ropolis a
few months back. Luckily, the LNH was able to develop
a vaccine against zombieism using blood from Sleeps
With Anyone Alive Lass, blood which turned out to be
surprisingly free of any STDs.
  >>Last week we ran an interview with Sleeps With
Anyone Alive Lass and we received so much positive
response from our viewers that we decided to follow
that story up with another story of two other
recovering zombies, namely the former partners of Tony
Orlando. Tony himself talks to us about reuniting
with his old partners.<<
  >>I thought they were gone for good, that they
weren't coming back. I mean, you don't survive
getting eaten by zombies. But then one day they
showed up at my house. I was scared, of course,
because I thought they wanted to eat me. But it soon
became clear that they still remembered me and that
they wanted to go back to making music.
  >>So I said, 'Sure ladies, whatever! Just don't
bite me!'<<
  >>But you changed the name of the group?<<
  >>To suit the new circumstances, yes: Tony Orlando
and Dawn of the Dead.<<
  >>I understand your group recently performed at a
benefit concert in support of zombieism.<<
  >>That's right.<<
  >>We have some clips from that concert.<<
  >>Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree...<<
  >>Ohhhhlllld Ohhhhak Treeeeee<<
  >>It's been three long years...<<
  >>Threeeeee lawwwwng yeeeears<<
  >>Do you still want me?<<
  >>Steeeeeel waaaant meeeeee<<
  >>We're having them work with a speech therapist and
a singing coach to see if they can't get their voices
back to the way they were when they were still
alive.<<

        Deja Dude / Master Blaster Special #5:
     Deja Dude and Master Blaster Go Hollywood #5

C.bu, Philippi.net,

  Imelda was working in the kitchen when it appeared
behind her.  It slowly approached her.  It was rigid
but it swayed slightly from side to side as it slowly
moved forward.  It came up behind her and poked her in
the back.
  "What?  You're horny again?!" she asked.
  "Yeah," Deja Dude said, slightly blushing.
  "Okay."
  Deja Dude was beaming.  "Good."

Meanwhile, at LNH HQ...

  "I think I've discovered the secret to human mating
behaviour!" Dr. Stomper announced.
  "You?" Irony Man asked.
  "Yes!  It all has to do with the inverse square
law!"
  "How's that?"
  "People are most attracted to the people they are
closest to: that is why most people marry people from
school or work and why most couples stay together if
they spend enough time together and don't, literally,
drift apart."
  Irony Man nodded.  "Okay.  So how do you explain
Deja Dude marrying a woman from the Philippi.net?"
  Dr. Stomper nodded.  "He's just weird that way."

Back in C.bu... thirty minutes later.

  "I love you!" Deja Dude said to his wife as he
hugged her and kissed her on her neck.
  "What?  Again?  So soon?" she asked.
  "No, no no!" Deja Dude said.  "I have to go to
work."
  "But it's evening now."
  "So it's morning in Net.ropolis," Deja Dude reminded
her.  "I'll just finished getting dressed and then
I'll go."

Later, at LNH HQ.

  "Hey, Rob!"
  "Dude!"
  "So, did you see Saw?"
  "Yeah, I saw Saw."
  "How was it?"
  "It was so-so."
  "So... would you see the sequel to Saw?"
  "I don't know.  If you've seen one Saw you've seen
them all."
  "I just saw The Island," Deja Dude said.
  "How was it?"
  "It was great!  There was one thing that didn't make
sense though."
  "What was that?"
  "Well, think about it: they cloned Scarlet Johansson
and they made her an adult but they left her docile
and had her believing everything they told her.  Then
what did they do?  They cut her up for spare parts!"
  "Yeah.  So?"
  "Well imagine if they put these so-called 'products'
on the market!  Think of all the lonely guys out
there!"
  "Hey!  Yeah!"
  "In fact, never mind Scarlet Johansson!  They could
clone Joan Chen!"
  "Or Jennifer Lopez!  They could clone Jennfier
Lopez!"
  "Or Halle Berry!"
  "Even better!"
  "You want to go to the island!  You want to do my
laundry!  You want to cook my dinner!"
  "You want to suck my--"
  "Exactly!"
  Master Blaster thought for a moment.  "Hmm."
  "What's wrong?"
  "At the risk of sounding out of character..."
  "God forbid."
  "Aren't we being a bit misogynistic?"
  Deja Dude shook his head.  "Hell no!  Sexist maybe
but not misogynistic.  Misogynistic would be
fantasizing about killing your mom over the
telephone."
  Master Blaster smiled.  "Good!  I'm that case I'll
add that in addition to enjoying Scarlet Johansson in
The Island, I also enjoed Jessica Biel in both Blade
Trinity and Stealth, Katie Holmes in Batman Begins,
Angelina Jolie in Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Jessica Alba
in both Sin City and The Fantastic Four."
  "Ah!  Jessica Alba!  Now there's a woman who should
never turn invisible!"
  "I hear you!"
  "So what about War of the Worlds?  Did you see
that?"
  Master Blaster shook his head.  "When Dakota Fanning
turns eighteen I'll start watching her movies."
  "I know what you mean!  I'll see Drew Barrymore
bending over and showing her cleavage in a movie and
I'll feel creepy because it's the little girl from
ET!"

  Just then Fearless Leader showed up.  "Hey, you two!
 Enough chatter!  You've got work to do!"
  "What's up?" Master Blaster asked.
  "We're having a meeting to discuss the escapes of
Lady Killfile, Screw You Over Lad and Doctor
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter.  Ultimate Ninja...
all three of them I mean... think they're connected."
  "Hmm," Deja Dude said, "with three Ultimate Ninja's
doesn't that now make you fourth in command?"
  Fearless Leader just grunted.
  Master Blaster was confused.  "I don't get it.  I
thought this series was just for reviewing movies?!
Are we actually going to start fighting net.villains
in this series?"
  Deja Dude smiled.  "Not exactly."

TO BE CONTINUED IN The Road To Killfile Wars #1

Deja Dude is Martin Phipps
Master Blaster based on Robert Ramirez
Irony Man created by Doug Moran
Dr. Stomper created by T. M. Neeck
Fearless Leader created by Dave Van Domelan
Sleeps with Anyone Alive Lass and Lady Killfile
created by Tom Russell
Screw You Over Lad and Doctor
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter created by Jesse
Willey

Martin