[LNH] The Legion of Net.Heroes, volume 2 #2

Jamie Rosen jamie.rosen at sunlife.com
Sat Apr 23 19:06:10 PDT 2005

___  ___________________________
| |-|                           \
| |-| []                        /
| | | [] egion of               \
| | | []__ [] []   []  []       /  #2
| | | [___][ \[]et.[]__[]eroes  \  "Ape Is Enough"
| | |      []\ ]   [ __ ]       /
| |-|      [] []   []  []       \
| |-|___________________________/
| |
| | (The cover shows the streets of Net.Ropolis
| | besieged by simians in civvies. Banana peels
| | are strewn about, and a rather motley crue -
| | er, crew - is looking on: aLLiterative Lass,
| | Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialogue Boy,
| | Bad-Timing Boy, and a giant cow. In the
| | background, Captain Clean-Up, wielding a
|_| mop, is muttering "Damn dirty apes...")

On the day that the entire populace of Net.Ropolis was turned into
monkeys, three members of the LNH were on a mission to the Midwest.

"So she should be around here somewhere, right?"

"Completely CorreCt, Comrade," aLLiterative Lass affirmed, surveying
the pasture. "Cows Can't be Comprehensively Concealed. Let's Look

aLLiterative Lass, Bad-Timing Boy, and
Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialoge Boy split up to search the field, but
still found nothing. As the clouds overhead gathered and rain
threatened, it seemed that their quest was in vain.

"Let's go inside." The others nodded, and headed for the barn, as it
was closer than the flight.thingee they had taken. "I wish we hadn't
gotten this assignment."

"Someone muSt Say the Sorrowful Stuff."

Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialogue Boy nodded somberly.

The inside of the barn was, appropriately enough, full of cows. Cows go

"Moo," went the cows.

Moo, cows, moo.

"Well, it figures they'd be in here."

"Certainly Seems SenSible," aLLiterative Lass agreed. "Sandra?"

"Moo?" replied one particular cow.

"We're from the Legion of Net.Heroes."

"Moo!" The cow extricated herself from the herd and came to join them.

Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialogue Boy searched for words.

"We're Sorry," aLLiterative Lass admitted, "your SiSter is deCeaSed."


Bad-Timing Boy snickered.

"Do you Find something Funny about Familial Fatality, Friend?" aLLie
asked, turning to him.

Bad-Timing Boy shook his head. "No -- I was just remembering the time
Typo Lad and Frat Boy got into an argument and nobody could light a
match near Frat Boy for a week." He looked sheepish, which wasn't
entirely out of place in a barn. "Sorry."

"Anyway, Sandra, we would be honoured if you would accompany us back to
Net.Ropolis to wrap up your sister's affairs."

"moo," Sandra replied, her head hanging low.


As the three Net.Heroes and the sister to the late Giant Wandering Cow
Kid flew into Net.Ropolis in their flight.thingee, they immediately
noticed that something was wrong. Maybe it was the strange lack of
traffic; maybe it was the garbage and litter in the streets; maybe it
was the hordes of monkeys in human clothing swarming throughout the

"Many, Many Monkeys..." aLLiterative Lass announced.

"I see that... I wonder what's going on?"

aLLiterative Lass Landed -- er, landed the flight.thingee in a hanger
at the LNHHQ and the crew disembarked and headed into the HQ proper.

"Anyone know what's going on?"

In answer to the question, a monkey in a nija outfit leapt from the
shadows, shrieking wildly, and flung its feces at
Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialogue Boy just as Bad-Timing Boy stepped
in the way.

"Oh... great..." B-T Boy muttered, looking down at his shirt. "New Look
Lass is gonna *kill* me..."

"We should investigate."

"Absolutely," aLLie agreed.

"Moo," went the cow.

The two Net.Heroes and their bovine companion went in search of Doctor
Stomper's office while Bad-Timing Boy went in search of a clean shirt
and a laundry machine. They made their way down several hallways,
avoiding half-eaten bananas and empty banana peels as they went, until
they were at his door.

"Doctor Stomper? Doc?"

No answer was forthcoming.

"Let's Look inside." aLLiterative Lass opened the door, and saw that
the office was empty. On his computer monitor, however, was a looped
piece of footage, obviously shot in the office.

"Everyone seems to be affected," the recorded Doctor Stomper was
saying. "Perhaps an airborne virus, or some sort of mutagenic ray...
I've been reduced to asking Theory Man and Adamant Authority on
Everything to assist me, as the rest of the Legion has been
incapacitated by this apewave... Only, I fear it may be too late.
Already, I can feel the onset of the condition in myself -- the
strengthening of my simian self. I can only hope we have enough
tiiIIIIII-IIEIEE-IEEEIE!" The trio watched in terror as Doctor Stomper
transformed into a monkey before their eyes and went bounding about the
office before escaping into the air duct. After a brief moment, the
footage looped back to the beginning again, and
Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialogue Boy shut off the monitor.

"It seems we were too late."

"Too True," aLLiterative Lass Lamented. "iT's Terrible.

"I wonder... if the whole city has been affected almost simultaneously,
that's rather suspicious, isn't it? It's the sort of thing a
Net.Villain would arrange."

"It Certainly Seems So."

"Well, if there's one thing I've learned in my years with the Legion,
it's that implicit in every Net.Villain plot is the way to foil it. So
all we need to do is determine who the Net.Villain behind this is and
what his -- or her -- plot entails, and we'll be able to sort out a way
around it. Right?"

"Seems Sensible... Sorta."


"wHo Hates Heroes, Loves Lemurs, and Admires Apes?" aLLiterative Lass
asked, her hand to her chin. "THink THink THink."

"Gorilla Grad?"

"No, No, Not him," aLLiterative Lass answered. "He's a kNown Net.hero."

"True. Hmm..."

"Moo?" lowed Sandra inquisitively.

"Of course! It's--"

Unfortunately, before whatever brainstorm had struck
Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialogue Boy could be disclosed, Bad Timing
Boy flung open the door, which struck his teammate square in the face
and knocked him to floor, unconscious.

"Found a clean shirt," Bad Timing Boy announced, then noticed the
slumped and bloody-nosed form of NGCFHD Boy. "What happened to him?"

"You, You Yahoo." aLLiterative Lass knelt beside her fallen teammate
and roused him.


"Not Nearly!"

"Oh... oh, sorry, aLLie. I was having the strangest dream."

"Apology Accepted. Now, you Nearly aNNouNced the Name of our

"I did?"

aLLie nodded.

"Hmm... Can't remember what I was going to say."

aLLiterative Lass's face fell. "Darn Doors." She turned to give
Bad-Timing Boy a piece of her mind, but before she could do so, he let
out a terrified -- and somewhat girlish -- scream.



Backing up, he pointed at the far side of the room, where a second door
had opened and a few menacing monkeys had entered. aLLiterative Lass
and a somewhat groggy Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialogue Boy got back
to their feet, eyeing the sinister simians.

"My goodness! Multi-Tasking Monkey! Linguist Lemur! Bandwagon Baboon!
Token Gorilla!"

aLLie nodded once more. "An Awful Assortment of Apes!"

"Moo," added Sandra.

Linguist Lemur stepped forward. "You're not such a pretty sight
yourself, folks."

The three Net.Heroes and accompanying cow blinked in unison.

"Oh, yes, I can speak," Linguist Lemur went on. "It's sort of my power,
you know." She rolled her eyes and picked a flea out of her fur. "And
I'm sure I speak for my fellow primates when I say: We've had enough of

Bandwagon Baboon and Token Gorilla nodded, while Multi-Tasking Man
peeled a banana, climbed the bookshelf, and nodded simultaneously.

"How can we Help?" aLLiterative Lass asked. "How did this Happen?"

Linguist Lemur frowned. "We're not sure. One moment, we were sitting
there, waiting to sample Cheesecake-Eater Lad's new banana-nut
cheesecake, and the next... *poof*."


She nodded. "Poof."

"Peculiar and Perturbing," aLLie observed.

At this point, everyone just sort of stood around and looked at one
another, completely at a loss for what they should do next or how to
solve the problem they found themselves confronted with. Time passed.
The clock on the wall ticked away second after second. Somewhere else
in the LNHHQ, a faucet steadily dripped. Drip. Drip. Drip. Dust
settled. A patch of wet paint dried. Clouds moved slowly across the
sky. It was, in general, a real down time for the team as a whole --
until one Net.Hero spoke up.

"I have an idea."

"What is it?" asked Linguist Lemur.

"You said this all happened while you were waiting to try Cheesecake
Eater Lad's new banana-nut cheesecake, right?"

"Yes," Linguist Lemur said. "What are you getting at,
Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialogue Boy?"

"Maybe... and this is a longshot... but maybe this mess isn't the
result of any Net.Villain plot -- but intead, a result of the
cheesecake recipe he was using!"

He looked at aLLiterative Lass, who nodded. "Brilliant Breakthrough,
Buddy!" she shouted. "Come -- to the Cafeteria, QuiCKly!"

The three human Net.Heroes hurried to the cafeteria, their cow and ape
companions hot on their heels. They burst through the cafeteria door
like a stripper out of a birthday cake, practically stumbling over one
another in their rush.

"Where do we look?" Bad-Timing Boy asked.

"The kitchen."

They headed to the kitchen, which was a mess of ingredients and

"Ransack the Room for the Recipe," instructed aLLiterative Lass. "An
Answer Awaits."

The combined resources of the humans, apes, and cows was enough to turn
the room upside down and inside out, finally coming up with a tattered
recipe card titled 'Banana-Nut Cheesecake.'

"This seems to be it."

Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialogue Boy inspected the card closely.

"aNy iNsight?" aLLie asked.

"It specifies that you have to use a rare type of banana from the
'Heart of the Dark Continent'. Boy, this recipe must be old. Anyway, it
goes on: 'Warning - If not used immediately upon ripening, these
bananas may release spores resulting in the transformation of human
beings into orang-utangs, apes, and other such beasts.'"

"What does it say about an antidote?" demanded Linguist Lemur.

"It says 'Turnover.'"

"And what does it say on the other side?"

"No, it says 'Turnover'. Like 'apple turnover'."

Linguist Lemur and aLLiterative Lass frowned. "Apple turnover?"
Linguist Lemur asked.


"Excuse me," Bad Timing Boy said quietly. Everyone turned to look at
him, expecting some inappropriate comment. "I don't mean to interrupt,
but... has anyone thought of Gorilla Grad?"

"aLLie said he's a Net.Hero, not a Net.Villain. He can't be behind

Bad Timing Boy nodded. "I know. I was actually thinking that, well,
since he's already a gorilla, this probably wouldn't have affected him
like it did Doctor Stomper and the others. And since he's pretty


"Boy, I'm beat." Cheesecake-Eater Lad lay down on the bed beside his
wife. "It sure is good to be back to normal," he commented, stretching
his arms above his head.

"Yes," aLLiterative Lass agreed. "A Handsome Human Hubby is Preferable
to a Peculiar Primate Partner."

"I'm glad I kept some of those leftover bananas lying around so you and
Gorilla Grad could whip up an antidote turnover." He yawned. "Did I
ever tell you how much I love you?"

aLLie smiled. "Sometimes, Sweetie." She rolled over and kissed him.

*Looks like I picked the wrong day to pay a visit,*
Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass thought to herself as she
disappeared from the room, giving the two lovebirds their privacy.


Dear Editors,

Hey, great! The LNH is back! Writer's Block Woman (and Mouse), Panta,
Rebel Yell... I can't wait!

A. Phan


Um, I hate to break it to you, A., but those characters are all
reserved by their owners and so not likely to show up in the LNH any
time soon -- especially Panta and Rebel Yell.

To keep the LNH stories flowing and featuring that crazy anything-goes
atmosphere that makes them unique, I'll be limiting myself to
characters I can use without any real hassle; in short,
useable-without-permission characters and my own creations.

That's about it. See you next time!

Contents (c) Copyright 2005, Jamie Rosen

Characters (tm) trademark and/or (c) copyright their respective owners,
all useable without permission unless otherwise indicated.
Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass useable with my permission.

The Legion of Net.Heroes...
because the world doesn't need another superteam!

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