LNHY/ACRA: The Daily Super Short-Short Story #18

Arspitzer arspitzer at aol.com
Mon Sep 6 19:20:57 PDT 2004

<<Warning:  You might be endangering your soul to eternal damnation in 
hellfire if you read this series.  Just thought you should know that.>>

                  The Daily Super Short-Short Story #18
                           Labor Day Special!

LAST TIME:  Lambsy the Lamb revealed her version of what happened to the 
Vending Machine of No-Free-Lunches.  And now...

                          'Party Time Lost'

"I have come to a decision!" boomed God.

"For your part in this," said God looking at the Wondersock, "You and 
your kind shall be forever used as human feet warmers.  You shall be 
between the shoe and the foot, well until the human becomes tired of you 
and throws you in the trash.  That is the judgement of God.  And that 
shall be your fate."

The Wondersock looked at his lawyer Vinnie the Lawyersock.  "I thought 
you said you could get me off!  You told me that there was no possible 
way I'd do any time!!"

"Hey!  What can I say!" Vinnie replied, "This God's a tough cookie.  But 
hey, relax Wondie.  Once we appeal this case to the Omnilooniversal 
Supreme Court we'll...."  But before Vinnie the Lawyersock could finish 
that thought he noticed that he was engulfed in flame.

"There are NO appeals in God's court!" God pointed out.

The Wondersock gulped as he looked at the charred remains of his lawyer.  
Well, at least he wouldn't have to pay his lawyer's fee.

"And you!" God said looking at Knows-How-to-Please-Her-Man Girl.  "For 
your part in the smashing of the Vending Machine of No-Free-Lunches with 
a sledgehammer, eating of the No-Free-Lunches, and leading Gotta-Luv-Me 
Lad's soul into ruin, you shall be inflicted with creatures called 
children that will grow inside your womb.  These children shall grow 
bigger and bigger until at a certain size they will burst right out of 
your baby chute.  Assuming you're lucky you might survive this so you 
can spend fifteen or so years taking care of these creatures.  I also 
will inflict you with yeast infections, and every month or so you'll 
bleed but you won't die.  Also you will be forced to shave your legs if 
you ever decide you want to wear shorts.  And all your female children 
shall also be inflicted with this as well.  You are banished from the 
Garden of Party Time.  Forever!"

"Ha!" smirked the Wondersock, "Looks like I got off easy!"

Knows-How-to-Please-Her-Man Girl hunched to the ground sobbing to 
herself over the punishment she received.

"And you!"  God pointed to Gotta-Luv-Me Lad who was trembling.  "Hmm.  I 
seemed to have used up all my good punishments on KHTPHM Girl.  Oh well.  
I guess you're just banished from the Garden of Party Time.  As are your 
children and your children's children and every other generation till 
now to the end of the world.  Out of the Garden you shall be forced to 
wear rags and eat twigs and sticks to survive.  And the thorns and the 
thistles shall you eat too.  For the rest of your days!"

"So, I take it I'm not getting that motorcycle, huh?" Gotta-Luv-Me Lad 

God, the Wondersock, and KHTPHM Girl glared at Gotta-Luv-Me Lad.

"And you!"  God pointed towards the Ghost of the Vending Machine of No-
Free-Lunches.  "You shall never be a ballerina!"

If ghosts of vending machines were capable of shedding tears, this one 
would have shed a tear.  But since they aren't, this one didn't.

"And you,"  God looked at Lambsy the Lamb, "Since you were the only one 
who told the truth, I will reward you!  You are no longer meek little 
Lambsy the Lamb!  You shall now and forever be known as, Flaming Mutton!  
And you shall guard the Garden of Party Time!  And all those who would 
dare try to enter, you shall burn them alive, Flaming Mutton!"

Flaming Mutton replied, "Baahhaaahh!  Bahhaaabahhaa!"

"And now that I have given you my punishments, I shall..."  But before 
God could finish Gotta-Luv-Me Lad interrupted.

"Wait a sec!  What about the Space Dinosaurs!  You know, the ones who 
really smashed the Vending Machine of No-Free-Lunches!!?  What about 
their punishment!  Or are they just going to get away scott-free!!  Huh?  

God, the Wondersock, and KHTPHM Girl glared at Gotta-Luv-Me Lad.

"Hey!  I guess you people just can't except the truth about 
extraterrestrials!  But hey I know the truth.  I've seen the truth.  And 
the truth is umm... very truthy.  *Ahem*.  You may continue God."

"Wait!  God!" shouted KHTPHM Girl.  "Maybe we deserve to be damned.  But 
why?  Why do our children deserve to live in misery?  Why must they be 
damned for our sins!?  Why!?"

God thought for a moment about this.  Finally he replied, "Because I'm 
God.  Because I can do anything I want.  And because I'm an asshole.  
That's why.  Any more questions?"

KHTPHM Girl and Gotta-Luv-Me Lad shook their heads.

"Well.  I guess that's it!  Time for me to give you the old boot."  With 
that God kicked both Gotta-Luv-Me Lad and KHTPHM Girl out of the Garden 
of Party Time.

Gotta-Luv-Me Lad and KHTPHM Girl hit the ground.  They were now in the 
cold hard real world.  A world of thistles and thorns.  They huddled 
next to each other trying to find some kind of warmth.  They looked back 
at the Garden of Party Time.  It seemed greener and even more beautiful 
than they remembered it being.  They saw Lambsy the Lamb who was now 
called Flaming Mutton guarding the entrance to the Garden.  It was gone 
to them.  They could never go back.

And as they turned their heads they heard the voice of God one last 

"Oh, yeah!  Before you guys go!  HAPPY LABOR DAY!" shouted God.

Gotta-Luv-Me Lad turned around and gave God the finger.

TOMORROW:  No issue tomorrow.  This will be the last one for awhile.

Author's Notes:    And that's why humans wear socks on there feet
instead of their hands.

Well that's it for awhile at least.  Not that I'd planned to end this on 
Labor Day, but it seemed oddly appropriate.  I have some more ideas 
involving Cain and Abel and Noah, so I might sometime in the future 
do more of these.

This was mostly an exercise to force me to write something again.  I had 
been struggling with a bad case of writer's block for at least five 
years.  During that time everything I wrote felt like crap.  I would 
rewrite the same sentence over a hundred times before I would give up.  
I had tried to write journals or something just to write something, but 
I usually was to lazy and would give up after a month.  The Bride of 
C'thulhu issue I wrote helped me somewhat snap out of it.  And then the 
Death of the RACCCafe helped some too.  I eventually was able to 
complete Looniverse Y #1.  Once I completed that I figured I should 
probably do some kind of a series set in the LNHY imprint.  Something 
that would be easy to write.

I had thought of doing a Teenage Fascist's series, or Before God Guy's 
series, but I didn't really want to do another typical superhero parody.  
Eventually, I thought of doing a series that would explain the origin of 
Looniverse Y.  I decided to take it from the Bible because people were 
familiar with the Bible and they'd already know the characters and the 
stories thus dealing with the ciphers a bit easier.  Plus stealing stuff 
from the Bible makes it a lot easier to write.

I did it daily just so I wouldn't worry whether if it was crap.  If a 
story turned out to be crap, I could just say, 'Hey, what do you expect!  
It's daily.  Of course it's going to be crap."  That being said, I did 
try to do the best job possible on each issue (Well except for the 
Lambsy the Lamb issue that I mailed in).  Hopefully some people out 
there enjoyed this series.  I enjoyed writing it.  And if you were 
offended by it, sorry.

And now I'm going to attempt to finish that Saviors of the Net epilogue 
I promised.  So that's it for The Daily Super Short-Short Story.

Arthur "Struck by lightning" Spitzer

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