LNHY/ACRA: The Daily Super Short-Short Story #15

Arspitzer arspitzer at aol.com
Sat Sep 4 19:12:23 PDT 2004

<<Warning:  You might be endangering your soul to eternal damnation in 
hellfire if you read this series.  Just thought you should know that.>>

                  The Daily Super Short-Short Story #15

LAST TIME:  Knows-How-to-Please-Her-Man Girl revealed her version of 
what happened to the Vending Machine of No-Free-Lunches.  And now...

                      'Gotta-Luv-Me Lad's Version'

It was the Space Aliens.  They were the ones who smashed the Vending 
Machine of No-Free-Lunches.  I was there.  I saw it.  They were 
Dinosaurs.  Space Dinosaurs!  They were from Mars Y.  Because of their 
super intelligent brains they managed to survive the 'Really, Really, 
Really Cold Day' (As seen in The Daily Super Short Story #0!) by 
creating a bunch of Spaceships.

I guess they thought by stealing our precious 'No-Free-Lunches' they 
would be able to rule over Planet T-Bone.

They had my chick (Knows-How-to-Please-Her-Man Girl) bound to a tree and 
gagged.  There were ten of them.  No, make that twenty.  No, wait!  A 
hundred!  Yeah!  A hundred!  They had ray guns and space helmets.  And 
when they saw me, they probably thought that I was going to be easy to 
take down.  And they would have been right except for two things they 
didn't count on.  One that I'm an expert in Kung Fu.  Two that God was 
on my side.  Before anyone of them could say, 'Die T-Bone scum!', I 
floated right into the hoard of Space Dinosaurs like a butterfly.  And I 
stung like a knee.

And I had almost defeated them, when one of them blasted me with his ray 
gun.  Next thing I knew I was on the Space Dino's ship.  I was bound in 
manacles along side my chick.  They forced us to eat the No-Free-Lunches 
even though we tried to spit them out.  And then they dissected us.  And 
then anally probed us.  Things looked bleak.  But they made one mistake.  
They didn't realize that I had a paperclip in my mouth.

Once they left the room I spit the clip straight into my hand.  Then I 
used it to pick at the lock.  As I freed myself one of the guards came 
in.  Probably to torture me some more.  So I threw the paperclip like a 
dart and it went straight into the aliens skull.  I grabbed his space 
gun and headed right to the computer monitor room.  There was a big 
fight, but naturally I prevailed.  I realized that the monitor room 
computer controlled the ship, so I hacked into it.  Then I realized that 
I could control all the Martian ships through the computer system.

Through some kind of translation program, I made contact with the space 
dino's mothership.  I told them that I had total control over all their 
ships and unless they wanted me to blow them up they would have to give 
into my demands.  I demanded safe passage for me and my chick back to 
Planet T-Bone.  And also that they should never ever return to Planet T-
Bone.  Realizing that I wasn't bluffing they agreed to my demands.

They escorted us to some kind of beaming room and the next thing I knew 
me and Knows-How-to-Please-Her-Man Girl were back on Planet T-Bone.  We 
saw the devastation of the Vending Machine of No-Free-Lunches.  But I 
realized that I could take comfort in the fact that I had saved Planet 
T-Bone from being enslaved by aliens.

And that's how it happened.  The honest to God truth!

As for the honey and fig leaves, I'd rather not talk about that.

You know God?  Instead of punishing me, you should probably be thinking 
of someway to reward me.  That's what I think anyway.  Maybe like a 
motorcycle or something.

TOMORROW:  The Ghost of the Vending Machine of No-Free-Lunches!

Author's Note:  Yeah, this is a day late.  I had too many things to do 
Yesterday.  Maybe I'll post two dailes tomorrow.  Or maybe none.

Arthur "You never know" Spitzer

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