LNHY/ACRA: The Daily Super Short-Short Story #15
arspitzer at aol.com
Sat Sep 4 19:12:23 PDT 2004
<<Warning: You might be endangering your soul to eternal damnation in
hellfire if you read this series. Just thought you should know that.>>
The Daily Super Short-Short Story #15
LAST TIME: Knows-How-to-Please-Her-Man Girl revealed her version of
what happened to the Vending Machine of No-Free-Lunches. And now...
'Gotta-Luv-Me Lad's Version'
It was the Space Aliens. They were the ones who smashed the Vending
Machine of No-Free-Lunches. I was there. I saw it. They were
Dinosaurs. Space Dinosaurs! They were from Mars Y. Because of their
super intelligent brains they managed to survive the 'Really, Really,
Really Cold Day' (As seen in The Daily Super Short Story #0!) by
creating a bunch of Spaceships.
I guess they thought by stealing our precious 'No-Free-Lunches' they
would be able to rule over Planet T-Bone.
They had my chick (Knows-How-to-Please-Her-Man Girl) bound to a tree and
gagged. There were ten of them. No, make that twenty. No, wait! A
hundred! Yeah! A hundred! They had ray guns and space helmets. And
when they saw me, they probably thought that I was going to be easy to
take down. And they would have been right except for two things they
didn't count on. One that I'm an expert in Kung Fu. Two that God was
on my side. Before anyone of them could say, 'Die T-Bone scum!', I
floated right into the hoard of Space Dinosaurs like a butterfly. And I
stung like a knee.
And I had almost defeated them, when one of them blasted me with his ray
gun. Next thing I knew I was on the Space Dino's ship. I was bound in
manacles along side my chick. They forced us to eat the No-Free-Lunches
even though we tried to spit them out. And then they dissected us. And
then anally probed us. Things looked bleak. But they made one mistake.
They didn't realize that I had a paperclip in my mouth.
Once they left the room I spit the clip straight into my hand. Then I
used it to pick at the lock. As I freed myself one of the guards came
in. Probably to torture me some more. So I threw the paperclip like a
dart and it went straight into the aliens skull. I grabbed his space
gun and headed right to the computer monitor room. There was a big
fight, but naturally I prevailed. I realized that the monitor room
computer controlled the ship, so I hacked into it. Then I realized that
I could control all the Martian ships through the computer system.
Through some kind of translation program, I made contact with the space
dino's mothership. I told them that I had total control over all their
ships and unless they wanted me to blow them up they would have to give
into my demands. I demanded safe passage for me and my chick back to
Planet T-Bone. And also that they should never ever return to Planet T-
Bone. Realizing that I wasn't bluffing they agreed to my demands.
They escorted us to some kind of beaming room and the next thing I knew
me and Knows-How-to-Please-Her-Man Girl were back on Planet T-Bone. We
saw the devastation of the Vending Machine of No-Free-Lunches. But I
realized that I could take comfort in the fact that I had saved Planet
T-Bone from being enslaved by aliens.
And that's how it happened. The honest to God truth!
As for the honey and fig leaves, I'd rather not talk about that.
You know God? Instead of punishing me, you should probably be thinking
of someway to reward me. That's what I think anyway. Maybe like a
motorcycle or something.
TOMORROW: The Ghost of the Vending Machine of No-Free-Lunches!
Author's Note: Yeah, this is a day late. I had too many things to do
Yesterday. Maybe I'll post two dailes tomorrow. Or maybe none.
Arthur "You never know" Spitzer
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