[LNHY/ACRA] What If... Jesus had been a Scientist!

Martin Phipps phippsmartin at hotmail.com
Fri Oct 15 20:20:39 PDT 2004

What if... Jesus had been a Scientist!

  "Mom, tell me about when I was born!"
  "Well, you were born in a manger and there were wise men and angels
  "Why were they there?"
  "Well, because you are the son of God!"
  "Eh?  Dad!  Mom says I am the son of God?  Does that mean you aren't
my real father?"
  "Well, no, son.  Your mother remained chaste until you were born."
  "Chaste?  You mean nobody had sex with her?"
  "Well, yes, that's right."
  Jesus looked opened his robes.  "Then how do you explain this?"
  Mary became embarassed by her son's exhibitionism.  "Son, please
cover yourself!"
  "Mother, you have two X chromosomes.  I am clearly male which mean I
have an X and a Y chromosome.  Where did my Y chromosome come from?"
  "Chromosome?" Joseph said.  "Jesus is speaking in tongues!  He is
  "Actually," Jesus said, "what you consider to be possession is
actually a symptom of schizophenia!  It is a chemical imbalance in the
brain which can be treated with medication... or rather it will be...
in the future."
  "In the future?" Mary asked.  "Does this mean you can see into the
future?  Like the prophets before you?"
  Jesus reflected for a moment.  "It seems as though I can.  But that
would mean that the future has, in a sense, already happened!  That
would mean that the future is inevitable!  That would mean that free
will is an illusion, that we are nothing but biological machines
acting on instinct!  That would seem to be the only conclusion!"

  Having come to this revelation, Jesus went on to become a great
teacher, gathering around him many followers.
  "My Lord," one of his followers said.  "Please tell us what will
become of us!"
  "Become of you?" Jesus asked.  "Do you mean you personally or
mankind in general?"
  "Both, my Lord!"
  Jesus reflected for a moment.  "I see man ascending to the heavens!"
  "Oh, that's good!"
  "In rockets!"
  "Rockets?"  His followers were confused by his words.
  "Yes, that is how they will travel to the heavens!"
  "And what is heaven like, my Lord?"
  Jesus reflected some more.  "It is cold and there is no air to
  "That doesn't sound very good."
  "But wait!  I see in the very distant future people travelling to
Mars!  They will use a technique called global warming to terraform
the planet and turn it into a paradise!"
  "A paradise!  That's good!"
  "At least that's what they were doing in the movie Red Planet."

  But the gospel that Jesus preached did, in many ways, contradict
what was being taught in the synagogues at the time and this angered
the local rabiis.
  "If you are truly a prophet then we want you to perform a miracle
for us!"
  "Define miracle."
  "I want you to define what you mean by miracle so that if I perform
a miracle for you then we can all agree that I did, in fact, perform a
  "Very well then.  A miracle is something that an ordinary person
cannot do."
  "But that's a contradiction."
  "Excuse me?"
  "You want me to perform a miracle but then you say that it is
something that cannot be done."
  "Not by an _ordinary_ person, no."
  "Define ordinary."
  "Why do you insist that we define our terms?"
  "Well, look, if you want to communicate effectively then you really
have to use well defined terminology otherwise you and the person you
are talking to won't be able to agree on what is being said!"
  The rabbi didn't understand what Jesus had said.  Nevertheless, he
turned to his companions and said, "Did you hear that?  He insulted
  "I did?"
  "So you admit it!" the rabii said angrily.  "Very well then!  We
shall speak to the Roman soldiers about this!"

  The Roman soldiers brought Jesus to see Poncius Pilate.
  "Tell you what, Jesus," Poncius Pilate said.  "I am going to give
you a chance to get away."
  "Thank you!"
  "I will give that crowd out there a choice: either you get crucified
  "Barabus gets crucified!"
  "Ah... but Barabus is a hero of the Jewish people!  He fought
against the Romans on their behalf."
  "That's right."
  "So they are going to choose him."
  "Why are you doing this?"
  Poncius Pilate smiled evilly.  "Because if I give those people a
choice then for all eternity your followers will blame Jewish people
for your death!  That means that, centuries from now, it won't be 6
million Italians that the Nazis will kill, but six million Jews!"
  "No!  It can't be!" Jesus said.  "I have told people to love one
another!  To turn the other cheek!  To not live by the sword lest ye
die by the sword!"
  "Perhaps, but do you really think anybody is going to listen to that
part of your message?"
  Jesus realised that what Poncius Pilate was saying was true.  Just
then, a Roman soldier walked up to them.
  "It has been decided!" he told them.  "The crowd is calling for
Jesus to be crucified!"
  "Wow!  They must really hate you!" Poncius Pilate said with a laugh.
 "Tell, you what, I'm going to give them a treat!  I'm going make you
carry your own cross through the crowd up the hill to where you will
be crucified!"
  "Why would I agree to do that?"
  "Because if you don't then we will kill you right here and now!"
  Jesus thought for a moment.  Perhaps there was still a chance to get
through to the crowd!  If they could see him suffering they might feel
sympathy for him and come around to his way of thinking.  "Very well
then," he said.

  Jesus carried his cross up the hill.  Along the way, people threw
stones at him.  "You really don't know what you are doing," he said.
  Having made it to the top of the hill, Jesus was brought before
Roman soldiers who nailed him to the cross and raised it up with him
dangling from it.  "Man... that really hurts," he said.
  Jesus looked down at the crowd.  Some women were crying but the
majority of the people in the crowd continued to look at him with
  "What have I done?" he asked himself.  "By dying a violent painful
death I have only made things worse for the descendents of these
  Then everything went black.

  Exactly thirty six hours later, Jesus woke up.
  "Eh?  I thought for sure I was dead."  He looked down at his wrists.
 They had begun to heal.  "Wow!  I must have some really cool healing
  Jesus got up and walked out of his tomb.  "I wonder why they didn't
push this rock back in front of the cave?"  Then he remembered. 
"That's right!  It was Friday evening!  The Sabbath had begun!  The
rabiis wouldn't have had the Roman soldiers push the rock back in
place because that would have meant asking someone to do work (equal
to the product of force and displacement) on the Sabbath!  Lucky me!"

  Jesus slowly walked back to where his disciples were gathered. 
Their reaction was understandable.
  "Ahh!  He is risen!  Ahh!"
  "Hey, look guys!  I'm not dead!  See?"  Jesus showed him his wounds.
  "Ahh!  We can see the marks where they nailed him to the cross."
  "But the point is that they are starting to heal!  See?  I'm not a
walking corpse!"
  "My Lord, please, before you ascend to Heaven, please give us
  Jesus sighed.  "Alright.  Now this is important.  I want those of
you who can write to write this down.  Okay?"
  "It shall be done!"
  "Now, I want you to write this down exactly as I say it, okay? 
Listen.  Blessed are those who believe only what they see."
  "Right.  Blessed are those who believe yet have not seen."
  "No.  You got it backwards.  Blessed are those who believe only what
they see."
  "We got it.  So, like Thomas here.  We told him you were coming back
but he didn't believe because he hadn't seen you for himself!  So he
is an evil heretic!  Perhaps we should kill him!"
  "No!  Please don't!" Thomas whimpered in fear.
  "No.  No," Jesus said.  "Blessed are those who believe only what
they see.  Try to get that straight.  It's important.  Centuries from
now, scientists will do experiments, doctors will make examinations
and crime scene investigators will investigate crime scenes.  It is
important they they all do their jobs objectively or else we won't
make advances in science, we won't be able to cure diseases and OJ
will get away with murder!"
  But it was too late!  Luke, Matthew, John and Mark had already
written down what he had said and had got it wrong!  Jesus decided
that he had done all he could do.  Indeed, it seemed that no matter
what he did he just made things worse!

  Jesus left Israel and travelled to the Americas by boat.  He
travelled overland and stopped in Utah where he founded the Mormon
religion.  Then he travelled north to live in seclusion.  Finally, one
day he was attacked, drugged, experimented on, given an adamnatium
skeleton complete with retractable claws and, in the process, made to
forget all that had happened to him in the past two thousand years.
  But that's another story.

                                  THE END

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