[LNHY] Teen Facsists #5

Martin Phipps phippsmartin at hotmail.com
Tue Nov 16 22:27:02 PST 2004

        Teen Fascists #5: Versus Dr. Peculiar!

  I don't know what powered people are like where you are but here in 
Net.ropolis people are typically very open about they're powers, including 
those whose powers owe themselves to pagan worship, if not outright devil 
worship.  We had no trouble, therefore, tracking down Dr. Peculiar: he was 
signing autographs for fans at a mall for heaven's sake!
  "Dr. Peculiar!  Dr. Peculiar!" two horny fan girls yelled out.  They were 
all dressed in black and had white makeup and heavy mascara.  They all 
looked very gothic.  Such is the influence this man was having on our 
innocent children!  "Can we have your autograph?  Please?"
  "Of course!"  He took the photographs they had handed him: they had just 
bought the photographs from his agent, a Mr. Wong.  "Who should I make them 
out to?"
  "I'm Amy and this is Vicky!" Amy said.
  "No," Vicky said.  "Make it out to Amelia and Victoria."
  "Huh?" Amy said.
  "This is not some rap star," Vicky whispered.  "This is Dr. Stephen 
Peculiar!  You do want him to take us seriously, don't you?"
  "Very well," Dr. Peculiar said.  "Is there anything in particular you want 
me to say?"
  "You could say that your encounter with us was brought you to a higher 
plane of... of--"
  "No, no, it brought a deeper awareness of--"
  "Why don't I just say that it was nice to meet you?" Dr. Peculiar 
  "Sure," Vicky said.  "That will work."
  "Can you perform some magic for us?" Amy asked.
  "I don't see why not," Dr. Peculiar said.  He pointed at one of the 
manikins.  "I'm going to bring that manikin to life!"
  "Cool!" they both said, excitedly.
  He waved his hands feverishly.  "By the hoary hosts of Hogwarts!"

  We had had enough.
  "Alright, Dr. Peculiar," I said, "that's enough!"
  "Excuse me?" he said, apparently not recognising us.
  "Your magic is a form of devil worship!" Judge insisted.
  "Actually, no..." he said.
  "Are you telling us that bringing manikins to life is the natural order of 
things?" Double Jeopardy asked.
  "It's only magic!" he said.
  "Magic is the devil's work!" Detender said.
  "Didn't Jesus perform miracles?"
  "Oh so now this guy thinks he's Jesus!" Militia Man said.
  "That's blasphemy!" Search said.
  "Yeah!" Seizure said.
  "We're going to scrabble your testicles!" Cruel threatened.
  "Yeah," Unusual said, "and then serve them for breakfast!"
  "All I am saying is that what I am doing is no different from what your 
savior did!" Dr. Peculiar argued.
  "Except," I said, "that his power came from the Almighty himself!  Where 
do your powers come from?"
  He didn't answer.
  "Who are the 'hairy hosts of Hogwarts'?" Double Jeopardy asked.
  "They sound like demons to me!" Militia Man said.
  "They aren't demons!"
  "Then what are they?" Judge asked.
  "Something evil, no doubt!" Detender surmised.
  "They aren't evil!" Dr. Peculiar assured us.  "They're just... hairy."
  "Why don't they show themselves?" Seizure asked.
  "Yeah!" Search said.  "Why not?"
  "I'm sorry," Dr. Peculiar said, "but that's not possible."
  "Just what are these hairy hosts of Hogwarts afraid of?" Cruel asked.
  "Maybe they are afraid we're going to rip them a new one!" Unusual 
  "There's nothing I can do," Dr. Peculiar said.
  "Very well, I hereby charge you for the crimes of devil worship, of black 
magic and for the corruption of innocents!" I said, refering of course of 
Amy and Vicky.
  "No, wait," came a voice, seemingly from out of nowhere.  Then three 
teenagers appeared, apparently having been invisible right up until then.  
There was a boy with glasses and short hair, a girl with long blonder hair 
and a somewhat chubby boy with messy hair who looked like he was going to 
pee his pants at the sight of Militia Man's arsenal.  All three of them were 
dressed in matching school uniforms.  "_We_ are the hosts of Hogwarts!" the 
tidier of the two boys said.
  "They're kids!" Cruel said.
  "_These_ are the demons that Dr. Peculiar calls upon!" Unusual said with a 
  "We aren't demons!" the messy boy said.
  "We are more powerful than you think!" the tidy boy said.
  "Harry, no!" the girl said quickly.
  "I don't get it," I admitted.  "Dr. Peculiar gets his powers from you 
three... but where do _you_ get your powers from?"
  "I was born this way," Harry said with a shrug.  "My parents were 
  "I was too," the girl said, "although I've put a lot more time into my 
studies than the boys have.  I'm still not as powerful as Harry though."
  "And I'm not even as powerful as her," the messy boy admitted.  "It's not 
as though _I_ never study.  So what are you going to do now?  Kill us?"
  "But why use Dr. Peculiar here as a front in the first place?" Detender 
  "We're not supposed to use our powers outside the school," Harry said.
  "I can see why now," the other boy said.
  "I said this was a bad idea," the girl said.
  "No, you didn't!" the boy said.
  "Yes, I _did_!" the girl said.
  "No... you... didn't!" the boy said.
  The girl rolled her eyes.  "I distinctly remembered saying --"
  "Enough!" Judge said.
  "We want you to tell us all about your school," Double Jeopardy said.  
"Where it is, how many wizards are there, what sort of rituals you practice, 
  "We can't!" Harry said.
  "Why not?" I asked.
  "We'd get into trouble!" he said.
  "You are in trouble!" Double Jeopardy told him.
  "Wait!" Dr. Peculiar said.  "Doesn't it occur to you that whatever it is 
we are doing might be for the greater good?"
  "Hardly," Militia Man said.
  "Well, it is!" Dr. Peculiar said.  "There are menaces out there against 
which your guns wouldn't be of much use!"
  "I doubt that!" Militia Man scoffed.
  Then, as if on cue, the lights dimmed and a red cloaked figure with a 
burning head appeared floating in the air above us!
  "Ahh!" the chubby boy said.
  "It's him!" the girl said.
  "Who?" I asked.
  "It is the one of whom we do not speak!" Harry said and the three of them 
promptly disappeared again.
  I looked at Dr. Peculiar.  "Who is it?"
  He was about to tell me but then the demon spoke for himself.
  "I," it said, "AM DIR.MANDU!"


Teen Fascists created by Arthur Spitzer.  Characters created by me, based on 
Arthur's suggestions.  Dr. Peculiar and Dir.mandu created by me.


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