[LNHY] Teen Fascists #4 (of 4)

Martin Phipps phippsmartin at hotmail.com
Tue Nov 9 18:55:04 PST 2004

         Teen Fascists #4: The Conclusion!

  The Screen Actors Guild, Michael Moore and CNN had
conspired to frame us, transforming us from Americas
most loved superheroes to Americas most hated domestic
terrorists!  Now we were heading to the nearest PBS
affiliate to make our case on live TV!
  "Don't forget!" I warned everyone.  "We have to be
careful what we say this time!  No talk of beating
anybody or killing anybody or tracking them down!  We
don't want to give those devil worshippers any more
ammunition against us!"
  The Fascist Flier touched down near the PBS Studios
in Watertown, Net.York.  We all got out.  Militia Man
cocked his gun.
  "I really don't expect we will face any armed
resistance," I told him.
  "You can never be too careful!" he pointed out.
  Indeed, it was like a walk in the park.
Specifically, Jefferson County Park.
  "This is the historic American heartland," Detender
said with pride.  "Where our forefathers fought off
the Canadian invasion in 1812!"
  "And do you realise that PBS affiliates like this
one get most of their money not from God-fearing
Americans but from those self same liberal loving
Canadians?" Double Jeopardy asked.
  "Disgraceful!" I said.
  "We're standing on the very front lines of the war
to defend our country's family values," Militia Man
said, "and we're letting the enemy slip right past
  "Easy, soldier!" I said.  "Remember what I told you
earlier.  No more talk about killing anybody."

  Once inside, we looked around to find a studio we
could use.  Having never watched daytime programming
on PBS, we were quite surprised by who we found there!
  "The Before God Guys!" Judge said.
  Indeed, there they were: The Cheepest Skate,
Dentures Dan, Doctor I. Forget, Geezer Gorilla, The
Perpetual Virgin and the Wrinkly Old Bag!  All six of
  "What are you guys doing here?" Detender asked.
  "We have our own show," The Cheepest Skate said.
"It's called 'The Before God Show'.  It is broadcast
on PBS on Sunday mornings at 7:00 just before the
tele-evangelists come on.  Get it?  We come on before
  "Yes, yes," I said.  "I see."
  "PBS is the one network where you would ever see
guys as old as us!" Dentures Dan said.  "Not that
there _are_ guys as old as us, but if there were they
could be on PBS!"
  "Right," I said.  "Look, is there any way we can broadcast live from this 
  "I don't see why not," the Wrinkly Old Bag said.  "Our annual pledge 
drives are broadcast live."
  "Why do you want to go on live TV?" The Cheepest Skate asked.
  "It's important!" Detender said.
  "Oh, well, if it's important..." the Perpetual Virgin said.
  "Very well," The Cheepest Skate said.  "Doctor I. Forget can help you."
  "Follow me," Doctor I. Forget said to me.  He then led me to a nearby 
control booth.
  "You know, we actually met God once," he said.  He then went on to relate 
how God thought he was a banjo and started to turn into a banjo and how the 
Geezer Gorilla managed to change him back by engaging God in a banjo duel 
with an anti-banjo.  The man was obviously senile: God is all powerful and 
could never succomb to Hee Haw Disease!
  "Alright," he said, finally.  "We're all set up."
  "Places, everyone!" I said as I came out of the booth.  "I want us to do 
this right this time!"

  Fifteen minutes later, it was done.  We had managed to recreate live what 
we had recorded earlier, minus the comments about beating the Baldwin 
Brothers or wanting to kill Eric Murdock.  I added a quick comment at the 
  "And that, ladies and gentlemen," I said, "is what really happened.  The 
media has tried to deceive you, but now you know the truth!
  "Alright?  Did it work?"
  "Oh, it worked alright," Doctor I. Forget assured us.
  "The real question is whether or not anybody was watching," Judge pointed 
out.  "After all, this _is_ PBS."

  It had worked though: the live broadcast was picked up by PBS affiliates 
all over the country!  This, of course, meant that the Deadly Serious Squad 
knew exactly where to find us.  Good.  We were getting tired of running.
  "Alright, Teen Fascists," Major Lee Serious said to us after arriving at 
the Watertown PBS Studios, "you're going to come with us!"
  Just then, Major Lee Serious' cell phone rang.
  "Just a moment," he said.  "Hello?  Mr. President!  This is truly a great 
honour, Sir!  Yes, we have the Teen Fascists right here!  Oh, you saw the 
broadcast too?  Yes, that's what led us straight to them!  Oh.  Really?  
Well, if that's your decision, Sir.  Very well.  I will do as you say."
  Major Lee Serious sighed.  "That was the President," he told us.  "He says 
he saw your testimony and, in light of your accusations against Eric Murdock 
and CNN, you're free to go, pending further investigations."
  "Does that mean we are no longer disavowed?" Militia Man asked.
  "No," he said, "you are no longer disavowed."
  We all cheered, having won a significant victory against the 
satanic-worshipping liberal conspiracy that threatens to destroy America 
from within.
  But we weren't done.  Eric Murdock.  Michael Moore.  The Baldwin Brothers. 
  McNeil.  Lehrer.  Eninem.  They're all still out there.  We won't rest 
until we've hunted them all down and eliminated them!
  We're just going to have to be a little more careful when we talk to the 

                        THE END

Teen Fascists name and concept by Arthur Spitzer.
The Deadly Serious Squad and the Before God Guys created by Arthur Spitzer.  
Other characters created by me.


Well, that's it.  I was thinking of maybe making this an ongoing series but 
I decided to play it safe and stop at four issues.  Note that there were a 
lot more potential targets for the Teen Fascists: environmentalists, Islamic 
terrorists, illegal immigrants, the French, the ACLU, abortion rights 
activists, etc., etc., etc., but I played it safe and stuck to those targets 
mentioned in the first paragraph.   It would take a braver man than me to 
write a Teen Fascists story dealing with real world issues.

Anyway, here's one candidate for the LNH in Looniverse Y:

NAME:  Van Hel.sig
  CREATED BY:  Martin Phipps (martinphipps2 at yahoo.com)
  TYPE:  Usable Without Permission
  SECRET IDENTITY:  Gabriel Van Hel.sig
  POWERS:  None.
  ADD NOTES:  Uses a variety of archaic weapons to kill daemons and 
  APPEARANCE:  Has long wavy hair.  Looks like he needs a shave and a bath.  
Wears Victorian era clothing, a big overcoat and a big hat.
  ENEMIES:  Swell Boy (who isn't evil but who happens to be a daemon so Van 
Hel.sig is always trying to hunt him down and kill him) and other daemons
  FIRST ISSUE:  (mentioned) Teen Fascists #1

And here's one candidate for the System Corruptors:

NAME:  SAGneto
  CREATED BY:  Martin Phipps (martinphipps2 at yahoo.com)
  TYPE:  Usable Without Permission
  SECRET IDENTITY: (stage name) Eric Murdock
  POWERS:  Unknown.
  ADD NOTES:  He's currently the leader of the Screen Actor's Guild.
  APPEARANCE:  He wears a red suit with a red cape and a red metal helmet 
with horns.
  ALLIES: The Baldwin Brothers (Alec, Billy, Stephen
and Daniel) and Michael Moore
  ENEMIES:  The Teen Fascists
  FIRST ISSUE:  Teen Fascists #1


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