[LNHY] Teen Fascists #3 (of 4)
phippsmartin at hotmail.com
Tue Nov 9 03:52:05 PST 2004
Teen Fascists #3: Docudrama
The Teen Fascists were on the run because Michael
Moore had produced a slanderous documentary that made
us look like bad guys.
"That settles it then," Militia Man said as he
cocked his gun, "we're going to hunt down that fat
bastard and blow him away!"
I shook my head. "No. If we're going to beat these
devil worshippers then we will have to do it at their
Detender looked confused. "We're going to sacrafice
rabbits and smear ourselves with blood?"
I sighed. "No. I mean we're going to shoot our own
We stopped by a Radio Shack and bought all the
equipment we needed: a video camera, a microphone and
some lights. We then set everything up in the back of
the Fascist Flier.
"Are we ready?" I asked.
"Ready," Judge said.
"Alright. We're going to do this the way they do
their documentaries. We're going to look sad and
pained the whole time. Don't anybody show any anger
because the key is to generate sympathy. Let's
I looked into the camera. "We live in a world where
devils, demons and evil socks threaten to undermine
the peace and security of God-fearing Americans. And
who makes it possible for these creatures to thrive
amongst us? The devil worshippers!
"Cut! Double Jeopardy, it's your turn!"
I got out of the chair and Double Jeopardy took my
Double Jeopardy looked in the camera as I had
before. "You might not realise how much the media can
influence the way you think. News. TV. Movies.
Music. Magazines. Imagine how you would react to
knowing that these devil worshippers were behind the
things you see and hear? That they were poised to
take control of the very way you think?"
"Cut!" I said. "Detender, you're next!"
Double Jeopardy and Detender switched places. "So
all we wanted to do was talk to these guys at SAG
Headquarters, see? They attacked us, really. I mean,
what did they have to hide? Why did the Baldwin
Brothers try to stop us from going inside? Why didn't
they just unlock the door and welcome us in? Aren't
we representatives of the Loonited States government?
Since when is it that government agents are not
allowed to enter your home or business whenever they
deem it necessary? How can you expect to be able to
preserve your freedoms if you don't do as the
"Cut!" I said. "This is great stuff! Alright, we
need to get another chair. I want Cruel and Unusual
to sit together in this part. We can generate more
sympathy by playing up the fact that you are
Cruel sat down in the chair that Double Jeopardy had
just vacated while Unusual pulled another chair next
to him. "So, yeah, the Baldwin Brothers attacked us,
but they weren't much of a threat!" Cruel said. "We
didn't have any trouble beating them! After all,
we're the Teen Fascists and they're just actors!"
"Yeah," Unusual said, "and then Search and Seizure
let us into the building and we went in to look for
"Cut!" I said. "Okay, Militia Man, you're next."
"We went to Murdock's office and there he was, all
decked out in this devil suit. Of course, we all
wanted to kill him but because we're the good guys we
have to give everybody a chance to surrender
peacefully. Unfortunately, he escaped and we ended up
having to escape from the building ourselves in a big
hurry before the building exploded!"
"Cut!" I said. "Search and Seizure, you're next!"
Search and Seizure sat together as Cruel and Unusual had moments ago.
"Eric Murdock had rigged the building to explode and we barely got out of
there with our lives!" Search said.
"I could feel the heat from the explosion as we ran away from it," Seizure
"My hair got singed," Search said as she turned her back to the camera and
pointed to the area in question, "and the back of my neck got burned too.
"That must have hurt!" Seizure said.
"A little," Search said, "but its our job. We put our lives on the line
every day to protect our fellow Americans!"
"I got burned too," Seizure said, "on the ear." She turned her right ear
to the camera so everyone could see.
"Ow!" Search said.
"It's okay," Seizure said. "Like you said, it's our job."
"Still," Search said, "I can't believe that Eric Murdock is getting away
"We're not going to let Eric Murdock get away with this!" Seizure
promised. "Are we?"
Judge turned the camera slowly, panning past the deeply saddened faces of
the rest of our fellow Teen Fascists. She stopped panning when my
distraught face came into view and instead focused on me.
"No, we're not." I said and I turned to speak into the camera. "America,
it's up to you. You can let devil worshippers like Eric Murdock set the
agenda or you can let us do our job. To us, the choice is clear. As
God-fearing Americans, it is our duty, and yours as well, to see to it that
Eric Murdock will get what's coming to him! Thank you!
"Cut! That's it! Did we get it all?"
"Every bit of it!" Judge said.
"Great!" I said.
"What now?" Detender asked.
I smiled. "Now we head to @tlanta."
"Atlanta?" Militia Man asked.
"Yeah," I said. "We're going to drop it off at CNN Headquarters!"
The drop off went down without a hitch. We had decided that Judge was the
most innocuous looking amongst us so we volenteered her to be the one to
walk into CNN Headquarters and drop off the video tape. By the time anybody
at CNN realised what they had, we were long gone. All we had to do was wait
for them to broadcast our documentary and America would be ready to invite
us back into their homes!
What actually went down came as a total shock to us.
>>This just in,<< the news anchor on CNN announced. >>We've just received
a video from the Teen Fascists themselves!<<
"This is it!" Double Jeopardy said.
>>In the video,<< the announcer continued, >>the Teen Fascists admit
responsibility for the attack on SAG Headquarters and threat to continue
going after Eric Murdock!<<
"What?" we all said.
>>Here are some exerpts from the video:
>>We didn't have any trouble beating them! After all, we're the Teen
Fascists and they're just actors!
>>Yeah and then Search and Seizure let us into the building and we went in
to look for Eric Murdock.
>>We all wanted to kill him.
>>We're not going to let Eric Murdock get away.
>>Eric Murdock will get what's coming to him!"
We all just sat there for a while, stunned.
Finally, Detender spoke. "Is that really what we said?" he asked.
"Apparently," Judge said.
"We've been misrepresented!" Double Jeopardy said. "Quoted out of
context! They deliberately editted that video to make us look bad!"
"What do we do now?" Cruel asked.
"Yeah!" Unusual said. "What?"
I thought for a moment. "We should have anticipated this move. I take
"That's all very well and good," Militia Man said, "but it seems to me
things just got ten times worse. We've gone from being the nations heroes
to domestic terrorists. Nobody is going to want to support us now!"
I shook my head. "This might actually work to our advantage!"
"How?" Judge asked.
"We've always said that there was liberal bias in the media!" I pointed
out. "Now we have proof!"
"Actually," Double Jeopardy said, "we don't. The tape we dropped off at
CNN Headquarters was the original. We didn't make a copy."
"Damn," I said. "Well, we could always shoot it again."
"I don't like that idea," Search said.
"Me neither," Seizure said.
Everybody seemed to agree with them.
"Alright," I said, "what if we made our case on live TV?"
"Great," Detender said, "except we don't own a TV studio!"
"We'll occupy one!" I said.
"Except that then CNN would have live footage of us taking control of one
of their studios," Militia Man pointed out. "I thought things couldn't get
any worse. That would just about do it."
"I'm not suggesting we take over a CNN studio," I said.
"What then?" Double Jeopardy asked. "Fox News? ABC? CBS? NBC? The
"No," I said. "We need to go to the one network so entenched in liberal
bias that our enemies would never expect us to go there! I'm talking about
TO BE CONCLUDED!
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