[LNHY] Teen Fascists #1

Martin Phipps phippsmartin at hotmail.com
Sun Nov 7 01:49:03 PST 2004

         Teen Fascists #1: The Beginning!

  We began in the early 90's as the "Bush Youth",
young people committed to identifying those who were
atheists and turning them over to authorities.  With
the closing of the camps around the turn of the 21st
century, it seemed that we were no longer needed, that
was until the Luthor administration gave us a new
purpose: there were greater threats than the atheists,
namely the devil worshippers!  It wasn't enough to
simply fight the demons (and in any case Van Hel.sig
was doing a good enough job fighting them all by
himself)!  No, we were needed to fight those who would
give these demons power through their worship of them!
  Of course, so terrible was this threat to American
liberty that it wasn't enough for us to remain a mere
youth organisation: we needed to be a tight knit team
with specific abilities and duties.  All but a chosen
few of the "Bush Youth" were therefore made mere
"associate members" of the newly formed Teen Fascists.
The core membership of this group was as follows.
  *Unification Man, myself, the leader of the Teen
Fascists, dedicated to the ideals of truth, justice,
liberty and the belief in God, all of which were
fundamental principles held by our founding fathers!
  *Militia Man, who's job it is to supply us with arms
and, at the same time, see to it that similar weapons
don't make it into the hands of our devil worshipping
  *Search and Seizure, twin girls with the uncanny
ability to not only break into a person's home but
find devil worshipping paraphernalia in it (or plant
it, if necessary, in cases where no real evidence
exists but we can just tell who the devil worsphippers
  *Double Jeopardy, an expert young investigator who
specializes in cases where people who we _knew_ were
devil worshippers somehow managed to escape justice
the first time around!
  *The Detender, a superhumanly strong
nigh-invulnerable teen who is the groups token big
  *Judge, an empath with an uncanny sense about
people.  Like I said, we _know_ who the devil
worshippers are.
  *Cruel and Unusual, twin brothers with amazing
abilities in both armed and unarmed combat!
  Of course, as young people we need regular guidance
lest we, ourselves, are swayed by the devil
worshippers!  That is why Father Priest checks with us
after every mission to make sure that we have stayed
the course and aren't troubled with any doubts!  After
all, it is only through blind obediance to the
government and to God that people can ever hope to be
  For a long time it seemed that there was no stopping
us, that the devil worshippers were inherently weak
and could be easily dealt with!  It turned out that
the devil worshippers were an even greater threat than
we might have imagined!  It all began one night while
we were watching TV in Teen Fascists Headquarters.

  "I can't believe the liberal bias in the media!" The
Dentender complained.  "All this talk about the rights
of the accused!  Don't they realise that we do what we
do for the sake of the freedom of every God-fearing
  "Yeah!  I'd like to drop kick that guy McNeil!"
Cruel said.
  "And that Lehrer guy too!" Unusual said.
  "What do you think, Judge?" I asked.  "Are they
devil worshippers?"
  Judge hesitated.  I took that as a "No" because she
was usually so sure.  "I can't tell," she finally
said.  "It's easier to tell with people who are in the
same room."
  "Maybe they're just lackeys of devil worshippers,"
Militia Man suggested.  "They might not realise that
they are doing the devil's work!"
  "Maybe that's something you should look into, Double
Jeorpardy," I suggested.
  Double Jeopardy shrugged his shoulders.  "We _know_
about we liberal bias in the media.  So there _must_
be devil worshippers behind it.  What's to
  "I agree!" Search said.
  "Let's go kick some @$$!" Seizure swore.
  "Seizure!" Father Priest said, chiding her for her
poor choice of words.
  "Sorry," she said.
  "Alright then!" I said.  "It's settled!  We will go
to Hollywood and get to the bottom of all this!"
  "If we want to get to the bottom," Double Jeopardy
suggested, "we should start at the top."
  "The top?"
  "We very core of liberalism in Hollywood!"
  "You mean...?"
  "The Screen Actor's Guild!"

  So we boarded the Fascist Flier and headed to
Hollywood and the headquarters of the Screen Actors
  "Who is the leader of the Screen Actors Guild?" I
  "Isn't it Eric Murdock?" Judge asked.
  "That's right," Search said.
  "Of course, Murdock is probably a stage name,"
Seizure said.
  "Stage names!" Militia Man said.  "How can we trust
people who won't even give us their real names!  You
just know they have something to hide when they don't
give you their real name!"
  "You know, we probably should look into the music
industry, too," Double Jeopardy suggested.
"Especially the rap artists."
  "Yeah!" Detender said.  "Remember how in the fifties
the rock and roll artists used to put satanic messages
into the music, the ones that you could hear when you
play them badwards?  Rap artists are always talking
about hos and gettin' it on and all and that's when
you play them forwards!  Imagine what you might hear
if you played _their_ stuff backwards!"
  "I'd like to give that Eminem the beating he
deserves!" Cruel said.
  "Amen to that, brother!" Unusual said.  "Amen to

  Soon we landed outside SAG headquarters.  We were
met at the door by four Baldwins, Alec, Billy, Stephen
and Daniel.  Militia Man pulled out a semi-automatic.
  "No!" I said.  "We don't know if they're devil
worshippers or not so we can't kill them!  Let
Detender, Cruel and Unusual handle them!"
  The Baldwin brothers put up a good fight, I'll give
them that but, ultimately, we learned why they usually
chose not to do their own stunts.  With SAG's henchmen
delt with, it was up to Search and Seizure to get us
into the building.
  "We're in!" Search said after quickly getting past a
key pad security system.
  "They know we're coming!" Seizure said, pointing out
the cameras in the lobby.
  "Where is Eric Murdock's office?" Judge asked.
  "Top floor," Double Jeopardy said.  "We'll have to
take the elevator!"
  "Alright then!" I said.  "We've come this far!
Let's go!"

  We took the evelator to the top floor, encountering
no more opposition along the way.
  "This is too easy!" Detender said.
  "I'm going to wipe that liberal smile off of Eric
Murdock's satanic worshipping face!" Cruel said.
  "Then we're going to make him wish he were never
born!" Unusual said.
  Militia Man cocked his weapon and double checked
with me as to the nature of the mission.  "If he turns
out to be a satan worshipper then we can kill him,
  "Only if he attacks us first," I told him.  "Remember: we're the good 

  We made our way into Eric Murdock's office.  He stood behind his desk 
wearing a red suit with a red cape and a red metal helmet.  With horns no 
less!  We should have killed him there and then as Militia Man suggested but 
we were all interested in hearing what he had to say.
  "I congratulate you for getting this far!" he said.
  "You're a satan worshipper!" Judge declared.
  "So I am!" he said.
  "Eric Murdock, you will come with us!" I said.
  He just smiled.  "Eric Murdock isn't my real name.  It's only a stage 
  "Alright then," Double Jeopardy said.  "Who are you really?"
  "You may call me... SAGneto!"
  I sighed.  "Fair enough, SAGneto.  We're going to bring you to justice so 
that by doing so we can help undo all the damage that you have inflicted on 
God-fearing America!"
  He laughed.  "I don't think so," he said and then slipped through a door 
behind his desk.
  "He's getting away!" Search said.
  "Get him!" Seizure said.
  Detender, Cruel, Unusual and I all rushed forward but he had already gone, 
having passed into a secret elevator to the ground floor.  We had failed in 
our mission: our primary objective had escaped.  Little did we realise that 
things were about to get worse!
  Detender then noticed a digital read out on SAGneto's desk.  It was 
apparently counting down and there were just three minutes to go.  "Um, 
guys," he said, "it looks to me as though we have only three minutes to get 
out of this building before it explodes!"

                  TO BE CONTINUED!

Teen Fascists name and concept by Arthur Spitzer.  Characters created by me.


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