[LNH] Flame Wars VI repost #3

Arspitzer arspitzer at aol.com
Mon May 24 10:36:35 PDT 2004

>Glitch Girl and Sim Sorceress belong to Marie Antoon
>Swordmaster, Carbonated Armored Weapon and War Babe belong to Matt
>Decibel Dude and Vigilantee Guy belong to Pete Milan
>Agent and the Net.Elementalist belong to Jamas Enright
>Kid Mysticism belongs to Ben Rawluk
>Very Disturbed Scary Creature Man and Mood Arrow belong to Arthur

Arthur Spitz?

Arthur Spitz!?

Arthur Spitz..? Oh wait, wasn't he the Pre-Retcon Hour version of me?  

Yes it's all starting to come back to me now.  I remember this Arthur 

Brilliant Man.  Visionary Genius.  Tapdancer Extraordinaire.  And of 
course one of the Greatest LNH Authors to never exist.

Among his brilliant works were:

Buddy the Hard-Drinking-Liquored-Up LNH Receptionist

The moving life affirming story of an ordinary joe who tries to not get 
fired by the Ultimate Ninja while at the same time drinking as much as 
humanly possible.

The World's Most Corrupt Innocent Bystanders

These were tales of the vilest and most depraved of the innocent 
bystanders who bribed unscrupulous LNH Authors so that they could 
maintain the coveted Innocent Bystander status while remaining outside 
of the LNH's jurisdiction as they terrorized Net.ropolis.

Cheesecake Eater Lad Vs Cheezus Christ

Perhaps the greatest LNH story ever told.  An insane Cheesecake Eater 
Lad goes back in time and battles various important religious figures to 
the death.  This mini-series answered such burning questions like if you 
should meet the Buddha do you engage him in a cheesecake eating contest 
to the death?  And did Muhammad prefer raspberry or blueberry topping? 
And answered once and for all whether God does indeed exist and if so 
does he wear Boxers or Briefs?  I believe this was the first LNH story 
to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

And among his works in other imprints...

The Pet.Trenchcoat.Brigade

When the NTB masters were out battling mystical menaces (or engaged in 
drug orgies or what ever they do when they're not around) these furry 
lil critters had their own cute lil William Burroughesque adventures.

Omega Eye for the Feeb Guy

Every week five hep swinging metrosexual Omegas took an ordinary human 
loser and by using Harrakin technology, dissection, home decorating and 
grooming tips turned him into a major ladies killer.  This was the 
series that started the whole reality net.fiction trend which ultimately 
made RACC unreadable.

The Severed Head of Superguy

A boy and his best friend, The Severed Head of Superguy, take a magical 
journey through the post-apocalyptic future of the Superguy Universe.  
This one only lasted about two issues because many Superguy readers 
found it to be done in poor taste and were also bothered by the fact 
that Superguy had a mustache.

As far as creating Very Disturbed Scary Creature Man and Mood Arrow 
though, I don't believe he did.

He did do a series called the Saviors of the Nets which was about how 
all the greatest superheroes in the world banded together to save the 
New Jersey Nets franchise and help them win a basketball championship 
unaware of the social and political ramifications this act would cause.  
It was sort of a cross between The Bad News Bears and Watchmen.  Two of 
the characters were called Man-Creature-Scary-Disturbed-Very and the 
Lewd Arrow which is probably why you got confused.

Man-Creature-Scary-Disturbed-Very was different from Very Disturbed 
Scary Creature Man in the sense that MCSDV instead of being a man who 
wore a costume of a bunch of scary creatures attached to it was a 
horrible monstrous abomination that wore a costume made of rubber 
humans.  Also MCSDV's favorite book was Catcher in the Rye, while VDSCM 
hated JD Salinger with a passion.

I can't remember what the Lewd Arrow did, but I don't believe it 
involved shooting Mood Arrows.  Of course any resemblance between the 
Saviors of the Net and Saviors of the Nets is purely coincidental.

Alas Arthur Spitz fate wasn't quite as happy as the Saviors of the Nets.  
Back in '94 the LNH writers were becoming ancient dinosaurs.  Some were 
in their late twenties and some were even in their mid thirties.  The 
LNH readers demanded newer hipper LNH writers that they could relate to.  
And so the Great LNH Author Revamp of '94 had begun.

John Byrne (who was an LNH writer at the time before he revamped himself 
into the artist for Power Man and Iron Fist) was in charge of the LNH 
Author revamp storyline and was responsible for changing many of LNH 
writers.  He brought down Arthur Spitz's writing abilities to that 
of a mere mortal because no one could really believe in an LNH writer 
who was constantly winning Pulitzer and Nobel Peace Prizes.  He gave him 
the weakness of getting writer's block everytime he was exposed to the 
light of a yellow sun and took away his super ventriloquism powers.  And 
perhaps John Byrne's most brilliant move was adding the 'er' to the end 
of 'Spitz' making him Arthur Spitzer.

All ownership of Arthur Spitz characters were transferred to Arthur Spitzer
(The post Mutton Mania version).  Arthur Spitzer also owns the rights to
Arhur Spizer's and Otter Spitter's characters.

And there you have it folks.  The story of why Arthur Spitz couldn't 
have possibly created Very Disturbed Scary Creature Man and Mood Arrow.

And that of course just brings one burning question...

How can John Byrne get away with this?

Arthur "Yeah I know.  Who is this guy?" SpitzER

More information about the racc mailing list