[LNH/LNH2] LNH Forever #2 (of 4)

Martin Phipps phippsmartin at hotmail.com
Wed May 19 06:35:45 PDT 2004

  The general public didn't know that the LNH were murderers.  I knew 
because I had seen the LNH kill with my own eyes.  Nobody believed me 
becuase I was only ten years old at the time.

                         LNH Forever #2: Temporal Tamptrum

  I am not ten years old anymore.  I am twenty-six.  I stole a time machine 
from Net.ropolis University and used it first to travel back in time to the 
year 1992 to witness and, in part, be responsible for the LNH's very first 
adventure as a team of net.heroes.  I realised that there was no point 
attacking the LNH in the past because the past had already happened and, 
regardless of any thing I might have done, the LNH obviously had already 
  So I decided to attack the LNH here in my own time, in the year 2020.  I 
needed ammunition, however.  For that, the simplest thing to do was travel 
to the year 2072.
  Sometime between now and the year 2072, right wing militants will 
successfully argue to the supreme court that their constitution right to 
bear arms included the right to store explosives in one's home.  With the 
right to keep explosives having been spelled out to the Ame.rec.an public, 
the demand for explosives skyrocketed.  How, after all, could a man be 
considered free if he didn't exercise his God given right to store 
explosives in his home?  Of course, in every major city, on almost a monthly 
basis, there were incidents of children playing with explosives and 
accidentally blowing themselves up along with their siblings, parents, 
friends and even sometimes neighbours, but this was considered by the 
majority of Ame.rec.ans to simply be the cost of living in a free society.
  As a result, in the year 2072, one could go into any store and purchase 
explosives.  Indeed, there are even explosive speciality shops, the most 
popular being Bombs R Us.  I stopped by the Bombs R Us in downtown 
Net.ropolis shortly after my time machine took me to that year.
  First thing first though, I needed money.  It was a simple matter to stop 
by a comics shop in the year 2020 and pick up several copies of Super Joe 
#1.  In the year 2072, when Super Joe was now at issue 624, each mint copy 
of Super Joe #1 was worth a small fortune.  I sold a few copies at the same 
comics shop that I bought them at fifty two years ago, even though it was 
actually less than an hour ago for me.  This wasn't a get rich quick scheme 
however: I was just looking for some hard currency.  Once I had the money I 
needed, I went straight to the local Bombs R Us and bought the explosives I 
  Now that I had the explosives, there was the question of what exactly I 
planned to do with them.  I knew that an attack on LNH HQ in the year 2020 
would be suicide.  The same could probably be said of an attack on LNH Asia 
HQ, from what I had heard.  But without Tatiana and the Alt.banian Avenger, 
LNH Europe was a joke.  I could easily use my time machine to get into LNH 
Europe HQ, plant the explosives and leave.  Then the LNH would pay for that 
they had done!
  I arrived inside the castle that was LNH Europe HQ.  The front hall was 
vast, with a wide carpeted staircase, elaborate crystal chandeliers and a 
high ceiling supported by marble columns.  I got out of my time machine and 
started planting explosives.  I only planned to take a few minutes so I 
figured I'd be in and out before anybody even noticed.  I was startled when 
I first noticed the clockwork androids.
  LNH Europe HQ has these robots servants that were provided by the Swiss 
government.  They are programmable in the sense that if an expert clocksmith 
were to stop by and change the gears around then they'd do their various 
duties at different times of the day, or not at all as the case may be.  In 
practice, the LNH just had them do their chores whether anybody was home or 
not.  They weren't capable of responding to unexpected circumstances and 
they certainly weren't capable of thinking for themsleves so they took no 
notice of me and simply continued to perform their alloted tasks.
  Curiosity go the better of me and I decided to follow these robots around 
to see what they were up to.  I saw them go through the motions of cooking 
dinner, except that all the food had been put away and the stove had been 
unplugged.  Obviously there was nobody home: the robots were serving nothing 
to nobody, if that made any sense.
  "Good," I thought.  I went back to planting explosives, confident in the 
knowledge that there wasn't anyone there to stop me.  I made a point of 
placing the explosives at key spots around the castle.  Whether they were 
all away on a mission or simply on vacation didn't matter to me.  The fact 
is that I really didn't want to have to kill anybody anyway.  I would blow 
up their HQ and send a message to Legionaires everywhere that somebody out 
there knew the truth about them.
  When I was finished, I got back into my time machine and set the 
co-ordinates for a few seconds into the future but somewhere a fair distance 
away from LNH Europe HQ, close enough to be able to activate the explosives 
by remote control but far enough away to not be caught in the blast.
  My time machine placed me on a hill overlooking LNH Europe HQ.  I got out 
and looked down at the old Swiss manor.  It was a shame to have to destroy 
something so beautiful.  Of course, buildings can always be rebuilt.  The 
whole point was driving the LNH out, sending them back to Ame.rec.a with 
their tails between their legs.
  I pressed the button on the remote control that activated the bombs.  The 
bombs exploded in rapid succession all over the castle and within a matter 
of seconds the entire building was reduced to flame and rubble.  It was a 
very impressive sight.  I should have brought a video camera.

  Later that same day, Hamster Man appeared at a news conference in the 
Hague, Net.ther.lan.ds.  I wasn't able to attend the conference in person 
but the gist of it was that they would hunt down whoever was responsible... 
blah, blah, blah, whatever.  He also appealed to the general public for 
support through the Maria Stork foundation.
  Sure enough, Toony Stork, the son of Maria Stork (and the civilian 
identity of Irony Man --Footnote Woman) arrived in the Hague a few days 
later to announce in person that the foundation had received enough private 
and corporate donations to have LNH Europe rebuild their headquarters.  In 
the meantime, the Hague Holi.dat Inn was offering to have members of LNH 
Europe stay as long as they liked free of charge until their headquarters 
could be rebuilt.
  I couldn't believe it!  The LNH had everybody fooled!  Everybody was so 
convinced of their heroism!
  I knew better!  I remembered the look on the man's face when Ultimate 
Ninja killed him!  He had ran out of Ma.C's Department store in Net.York, 
obviously frightened, with the Ulimate Ninja behind him, Ginsu katana blade 
already drawn!  Captain Continuity appeared in front of him!  The man turned 
around and into the blade of Ultimate Ninja!  The man died!
  The LNH can't be allowed to get away with something like that!  People 
have to know what kind of monsters they really are!
  It was then that I realised what I had to do!

NEXT: I will attack LNH Asia!

LNH Europe, Tatiana and the Alt.banian Avenger created by Kevin Wilcox.  
Used with permision.  Hamster Man created by wReam.  Irony Man created by 
Doug Moran.  Footnote Girl created by Saxon Brenton.


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