cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Fri Jun 11 03:50:23 PDT 2004
Jennifer Young had never been much of a super hero. As Jailbait her
sole reason for doing good had been to meet guys. That was years ago.
When you're a thirteen-year-old girl, your hormones do most of the
thinking. Having briefly been a member of the LNH subgroup
Generation Y, she didn't consider herself much of a hero. During
most of the major epic battles she had hid. She remembered one
particular event, she and Fred's nephew Alvin did some serious hiding
in a meat freezer and got locked in. It was rather embarrassing.
This afternoon Ultimate Ninja had given her an assignment. She,
along with a squad of other second tier Legionnaires, was supposed to
guard an old museum. Had she bothered looked up at the doorway, she
would have noticed it was the J. Allen Hynek Memorial Ufology Museum
on the outskirts of Net.tropolis. They were supposed to keep a look
out for a former LNHer gone rogue. One who was almost as smart as
Doctor Stomper and in a fight could last at least three rounds with
"Screw You Over Lad to Jailbait. We have a 10-13 in sector G-27,"
came a voice on her communicator.
"G-27? You sunk my battleship!" she commented.
"This is no time for jokes. The intruder could be Vel and he is
quite dangerous," said Screw You Over Lad. "What do you want to us to
do fearless leader?"
"On my mark, we strike," she said.
The Man I Never was Part Two of Six
By Jesse N. Willey
Vel sat staring at the object on the wall. It was an inert mark
seven long-range transport gateway. The ancient dorfs invented them
about five thousand years ago at the dawn of the empire. According to
legend something had come through one of the portals ages ago. An
orphan of time made them close them all down permanently. Nobody knew
"This is in-friggin-credible. This is proof that ancient Dorfs did
try to conquer Earth. Frigging intriguing," Vel said.
Screw You Over Lad sat quietly watching Vel's every move. Nothing in
the young LNHers placid face betrayed the subvocal microphone that
transmitting his nervous jolts directly to Jailbait.
"Is Fred still with you?" she asked.
"Yep, other side of the room," Screw You Over Lad softly muttered.
Screw You Over Lad and Fred charged the dorf. Vel sniffed the air
backfisted Fred in the face. With his other arm he grabbed Screw You
Over Lad's wrist and snapped it.
At that moment, Jailbait entered the room. Vel went back to staring
at various pieces of Dorfan technology. Jailbait rushed over to her
two fallen teammates. She could see Fred's nose was practically
flattened and it didn't look like he was breathing. Vel did not stop.
She began doing CPR. Fred responded quickly.
"Now I know why Alvin speaks so highly of you," Fred quipped.
Vel stood threateningly over her.
"What? You aren't going to attack me, are you?" she said.
"You are no threat to me. There would be in no honor in the fight,"
Before getting arrested by The Regal Thirteen, Vel hadn't known much
about them. Just whispers they were some sort of all knowing
conspiratorial organization charged by no one but themselves with
protecting the Earth from terrors not of this planet.
Vel pressed his face against the windows and began breathing heavily.
His breath began fogging the window. He began to snore, when a shock
went through his body. He wobbled to attention.
"What was that for?" Vel snorted.
"Who gave you permission to sleep, prisoner," said the guard.
"Excuse me for having for living," Vel snarled. "Man, and I thought
Stomper was bad."
The Guard grabbed his control device. He turned the dial up to
maximum. He pressed a button. Four thousand volts of electricity
went through Vel's body.
"Status report?" came over the communication device.
"Subdued, Mister President. Another significant victory in the war
on alien terrorism," the guard said.
Ultimate Ninja sat in the war room. He watched as Jailbait's strike
force gave the go signal. Sing Along Lass sat half crying in the
corner of the room. Various other LNHers scuttered across the room.
"Onion Lad, all teams status, STAT!" He yelled.
"Well sir, they're all converging on Jailbait's signal," Onion Lad
said. "Just like you ordered, sir."
Pizza Girl came out of the elevator. Ultimate Ninja turned around.
"I thought I sent you and Bizarre Boy to the stakeout the skateboard
park," Ultimate Ninja said.
Pizza Girl frowned. "I would have gone sir, but I got a cellphone
call from my father."
"Lagneto? What did he want?" Ultimate Ninja said.
"He told me that Vel came to see him a few hours ago," she said. "He
stopped time on him, then waited for the Regal Thirteen to arrest
"Are you certain he's telling the truth? How would Lagneto even know
about Vel?" Ultimate Ninja said with cringe.
"Almost positive," she said sheepishly. "Do you remember the
incident in Sig.ago awhile ago where Vel and Duplicator restored the
city with help of two unidentified superhumans? Well Vel told me who
Ultimate Ninja began to cringe. "I know I'm going to regret asking,
Pizza Girl sighed. "My father was one of them..."
"And the other was..."
"Doctor Killfile," she whispered.
"So, he conspires with the enemy. That falls under traitorous and
seditious acts," Ultimate Ninja said with a gleam in his eye. He
pressed a button on his comm device "All personnel - we have upgraded
to condition black. Lethal force authorized. Repeat lethal force
A light blinked on the communication device. Sing Along Lass and
Pizza Girl snuck off to the other room.
"This is Master Blaster. Parking Karma Lad and I have tracked his
signal to a transport heading to the museum. What do you want me to
"A gold doubloon for the first one to bring me the Dorf. Blow the
bastard from the sky!" The Ninja screamed.
Sing Along Lass and Pizza Girl rewound the video feeds from the
museum. They watched the quick fight over and over again. They both
had questions. But they couldn't find the words. Sing Along Lass
almost wished Sister State the Obvious was there.
"If the Regal 13 have Vel, who are Jailbait and Screw You Over Lad
fighting?" Sing Along Lass whispered to Pizza Girl.
"That's what I want to know," Pizza Girl said quietly.
Haven was the only planet Vel had ever been to that felt like home.
He loved the desert climate. For a half-dorf like himself, it was the
natural place to live. He approached his family's house. Just like
many Dorfan clans on Haven at least three generations of his family
lived in the three-story adobe structure. A dishonorable half breed
like himself lived in the attic. The hottest and most inhospitable
place in the house.
When he entered the kitchen, he saw his mother talking to a man. He
didn't like the way the man looked. By the sound of things, neither
did his mother. It wasn't until he walked in a little closer that he
could understand what was being said.
"My dear Hadria, there is a debt to be paid. Surely it is best to
take care of it now. After all, your water mining is going so well.
You wouldn't want to have something happen to it, would we?" the man
"You can't take him. I won't allow it," she said.
"I freed you from your warlord. I own you," the man said.
"I don't care," she said.
Vel leapt out to defend his mother. The man smiled.
"Leave her alone!" Vel shouted. "Whatever debt you need paid, I'll do
it. Just don't hurt her."
"I told you Hadria. Your boy has spunk. He will prove useful to me...
The Great Doctor Killfile," the man said.
The craft rocked back and fourth. Small fires started. Vel's
nostril's flared at the stench of smoke. He awoke almost immediately.
His body was sore from electrocution.
"Help!" yelled the guard.
Vel turned his head. He saw that part of the left hull was missing.
the guard was struggling to pull himself into the craft. Vel stared
back at the guard. The craft continued to cruise through downtown
"Why should I? You almost killed me," Vel responded coldly.
"Because you're a hero. You do that," the guard said as his second
hand finally grabbed hold of the floor of the craft.
"No. I was a hero. I'm either human, or I'm a dorf. Maybe its time
I realized I can't have it both ways. When you arrested you called
me a vicous, rampaging disgust Dorf. So I guess that's what I am,"
Vel raised his foot above the guard's hands. Another explosion blew
its way through the front screen of the craft. The ship began to
descend. Vel turned his head and saw that the craft was coming
closer to a large building. It took him a second to recognize the J.
Allen Hynek building. He jumped into the cockpit and took the
co-pilots controls. He pulled up, but he knew it couldn't get it to
Vel remembered the first time he had been there. The O shaped
building had a courtyard with a fountain. He wasn't familiar with
the controls, but it couldn't be that much different from piloting a
flight thingee through someone's mitochondrial DNA cells.
"Hang on to your Depends back there, its gonna be a bumpy ride up
ahead," Vel quipped.
About five feet from the ground, the guard jumped to the ground. The
craft hit the ground with a softened crash. Vel climbed up to the
hole in the hull and jumped out.
"What the hell was that?" the guard asked.
"Hey, any crash you can walk away from, pal," Vel grumbled.
"No, I mean what the hell is that?" the guard asked.
Someone came storming toward the courtyard. It looked like a six
foot three half human half dorf. Vel looked rather shocked.
"That... that looks like... me?" Vel said.
To Be Continued...
Two Vels? Not a Dream. Not a hoax, time travel story, an elsewhirl,
or alternate reality. Does this explain Ultimate Ninja and Stomper's
unusual behavior? Find out.
Vel, Hadria and Screw You Over Lad created by Jesse N. Willey.
Ultimate Ninja created by wReam. Pizza Girl, Master Blaster and
Jailbait by Martin Phipps. Sing Along Lass created by Drizzt. Parking
Karma Lad, Doctor Stomper and Doctor Killfile are public domain.
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