REVIEW: Re: Bride of C'thulhu #666 -- A Chaotic Add-On Story

[Alaric]

I'm a mythical creature, according to the FAQ.

Pleasant enough.

Occasionally blunt.

"Arspitzer" <arspitzer at aol.com> wrote in message
news:20040603021543.24904.00000223 at mb-m21.aol.com...
> Multi-Colored Lights

Why the capital L?

> Smoke lazily swirled

To boldly go...

> around the room.  A record player scratchily played

To boldly go...

> He
> chanted various unpronounceable vowels.

Five vowels. All pronounceable <g>. Sorry.

> Or at least he did.

Once did, maybe. Otherwise the did doesn't gel with the had.

Now something more powerful
> controlled the strings.  Something from the future.
>
> He chanted some more.  The 666 in the center of his forehead started to
> blaze red.  A crack in reality started to grow.  The shell of a man
> gazed into the crack.  He saw something.

Who he?

> 'Hey, Hell Vine, Daddy-O!  What's shaking!?'

Who says this? 666 guy or the chipmunk?
>
> ::there is nothing shaking.  i assume that you're bothering me for a
> good reason.  is the harvest of net.ropolis going according to
> schedule?:: responded a cute high pitched voice that sounded like a
> record being played very fast.

Queer layout here.
>
> 'Hey, now!  Let's just take chill pill.

a chill pill

> popular Dark Lord ever than me.  I get tons of fan mail.  Teen-age girls

No dash.

> A frown worked it's way into the face of the hero known as Anti-Christ
> Lad.  Never make a deal with a chipmunk.

Nuts.
>
> 'My Cyg.net.a!  It was Nixon who killed the dinosaurs?' gasped Flower
> Child.

Work the sentence around the tag. 'My Cyg.net.a," gasped Flower Child. "It
was Nixon who killed the dinosaurs?" Also, said avoidance is bad bad bad for
the reader. No gasped, no murmured, no spat. Said, replied, or no tag at
all. As few replieds as possible.
>
> 'I knew this guy was bad news.  I told you people we shouldn't vote for
> him.  But did you listen to me?'  McGovern Supporter Lad said shaking
> his head.

Again, work the tag. I won't pick this up again.
>
> 'Well it's a good thing you don't run the Legion of Net.Hippies, Anti-
> Christ Lad.  If Cyg.net.a wishes us to go back in time and stop Nixon
> then that is what we shall do!' blasted Calls-Respectable-People-
> Fascists Lad defiantly.

Blasted? Aaaaaaarrrrggggghhhh. And cut the adverbs. ALWAYS cut the adverbs.
>
> 'But how are we going to get to the past?' questioned Peace Lass.

Last said avoidance reference for the story. Asked is okay.
>
> 'I think I've solved that problem,' said a voice entering the room.

The voice entered the room?

> 'Are you on some kind of drug Dr. TO-TI-DO?'

Said who?
>
> 'I did it!  I'm in the past!  I'm a freaking genius!  God, the past.
> There's something cooler about it.  Something more free about it.  I
> finally feel unrestrained like some oppressive chains have finally been
> lifted off me.  My god the feeling.  I can't quite...'

Funny.
>
> 'Okay.  I guess that settles it.  While I think this whole thing is a
> horrible idea if we're going to do this we should send one team to the
> past and keep the rest here in case it's some kind of trick.

New sentence at if.

> Electricity started to shoot out of the Electric Kool-Aid
> Flight.thingee.  A rainbow of fruit flavors started to bleed out of the
> vehicle.  And then an amazing flash of light.  Every single molecule
> slipped from the 1970's past into the time of the dinosaurs.

Makes sense to me.
>
> Still maybe they'd remember it and come back.

Comma after still.

> He looked at his arms that had become very slender talons.

arms, which
>

In general, I have a disadvantage - I don't know how old these characters
are and whether they've been individualised in previous stories. To a new
reader, they're indistinct - ciphers. I can't attach to any of them with any
confidence.

The storyline carries its weight, and the dialogue and set pieces are pretty
well judged.

You want this sort of crit or you don't, folks. I work with structure, plot,
grammar as much as concept. I'm happy to bugger off.