LNH: Bride of C'thulhu #666 -- A Chaotic Add-On Story
Arspitzer
arspitzer at aol.com
Thu Jun 3 01:37:55 PDT 2004
Bride of C'thulhu #666 -- A Chaotic Add-On Story
Meanwhile way back in the early 70's...
Multi-Colored Lights brightened the dark walls. Smoke lazily swirled
around the room. A record player scratchily played the song 'Hippy
Hippy Shake' by the Swinging Blue Jeans. In the dark center sat a man
in a meditative trance surrounded by various colorful candles. He
chanted various unpronounceable vowels. Once this man had been a good
man. A man that had dreams and hopes for a better world. But he made a
deal. And now something horrible and ancient swam through his body.
This shell of a man was the most powerful man in Net.ropolis. He had
control over the police, the city council, the mayor, the mob bosses,
the businesses, the churches, the media, the colleges, the various
underground radical groups, and most importantly the LNH. The Legion of
Net.Hippies. Or at least he did. Now something more powerful
controlled the strings. Something from the future.
He chanted some more. The 666 in the center of his forehead started to
blaze red. A crack in reality started to grow. The shell of a man
gazed into the crack. He saw something. A chipmunk. A golden
chipmunk.
'Hey, Hell Vine, Daddy-O! What's shaking!?'
::there is nothing shaking. i assume that you're bothering me for a
good reason. is the harvest of net.ropolis going according to
schedule?:: responded a cute high pitched voice that sounded like a
record being played very fast.
'Well, we've kind of hit a little snag. You see I've kind of lost
control over the Legion of Net.Hippies.'
::what? how is that possible? you're the dark lord of the sixties!::
'Well, that's another thing. I'm kind of not anymore. You see this
chick called Cyg.net.a, well, she seems to be the new Dark Lord of the
60's as well as every other decade. She's corrupted the timeline and
turned Net.ropolis into a Gothic version of itself. And in doing so has
become the major evil of all evils.'
::is this what i get for all the hard work i did in helping you reach
the position of dark lord of the sixties?::
'Hey, it's all groovy man. This whole thing should blow over once the
Crossover is finished. I mean this stuff happens. I remember during
Retcon Hour I thought I was Dick Clark. Now that was crazy, man.'
::i have no intention of waiting until some stupid crossover is through.
i made you dark lord of the sixties so you could help me free my
brothers Sigh Moan, and The Door from their interdimensional prison so
we could once again ravage and rape the looniverse and maybe have a few
hit records. maybe i should be speaking to this Cyg.net.a instead of
you.::
'Hey, now! Let's just take chill pill. This Cyg.net.a has no lasting
power. She's a sledgehammer. Pure and simple. And the cosmic powers
are going to swat her like the fly she is. Me on the other hand. I'm
the Velvet Glove. Check out my polls. There's never been a more
popular Dark Lord ever than me. I get tons of fan mail. Teen-age girls
write to me all the time hoping that I'll be the one that devours their
souls. And what about the little old ladies and orphans? Whose going
to break their hearts and tell them Ole Scratch isn't in charge when
they're sent to hell?'
::why should i care about the feelings of little old ladies and
orphans?::
'Hey that's groovy. But do you think Cyg.net.a cares about you and your
brothers? Do you think she has the Hollywood and music industry
connections I do? Stick with me baby and 'Hell Vine and the Elder
Chipmunks' will be the next big teen sensation. And of course you'll
also be free to rape and pillage the Looniverse while you're grooving to
your new found fame.'
::i'll give you a week, Ole Scratch. if you aren't the dark lord of the
sixties by then, i'll wash my hands of you and make my peace with this
Cyg.net.a.::
With that the golden crack closed up again.
'Hey that's cool. I can do that. Be groovy.'
A frown worked it's way into the face of the hero known as Anti-Christ
Lad. Never make a deal with a chipmunk.
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Who Will Save the Dinosaurs?
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'Quiet now everybody! I called this meeting for a reason. I've just
spoken with the goddess Cyg.net.a...' said Anti-Christ Lad in the big
LNH meeting room filled to the brim with hairy pot heads.
There was a hush in the crowd when the name Cyg.net.a was spoken. They
gave Anti-Christ Lad a suspicious look.
'According to Cyg.net.a our old nemesis The Tricky Dick has gone back in
time and killed all of the dinosaurs.'
'My Cyg.net.a! It was Nixon who killed the dinosaurs?' gasped Flower
Child.
'I knew this guy was bad news. I told you people we shouldn't vote for
him. But did you listen to me?' McGovern Supporter Lad said shaking
his head.
Ignoring McGovern Supporter Lad like most of the other Legion of
Net.Hippies did Anti-Christ Lad went on with his statement.
'Yes. By killing all of the dinosaurs over time their corpses would
eventually become coal and oil. Thus instead of developing alternative
energy sources like solar, wind, and flower power we have become
dependant on fuel sources that are slowly destroying our planet. To
make matters worse Nixon rounded up a large number of dinosaurs and sent
them to the Middle East to be slaughtered.'
'My Cyg.net.a! This is diabolical! At least Nixon should have sent
them to the USA to be slaughtered,' exclaimed Needs-A-Shave-And-A-
Haircut-And-Bath Man. 'Um.. not that I'm for the slaughter of
dinosaurs,' added Needs-A-Shave-And-A-Haircut-And-Bath Man after getting
a bunch of glares from his fellow hippies.
'Apparently Cyg.net.a wishes us to go back in time and stop this from
happening. My own personal opinion is that it would be a very bad idea
to do that.'
'Well it's a good thing you don't run the Legion of Net.Hippies, Anti-
Christ Lad. If Cyg.net.a wishes us to go back in time and stop Nixon
then that is what we shall do!' blasted Calls-Respectable-People-
Fascists Lad defiantly.
'But how are we going to get to the past?' questioned Peace Lass.
'I think I've solved that problem,' said a voice entering the room. It
was the voice of the Legion of Net.Hippies grooviest scientist. The one
and only Dr. TO-TI-DO (Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out).
'I've manipulated Kid Kesey's Electric Kool-Aid and turned it into
Electric Time Kool-Aid.'
'Are you on some kind of drug Dr. TO-TI-DO?'
'Why Yes!'
'Okay. Just checking.'
'Anyway... Say wait a sec. You people are real right? I'd hate to
waste a demonstration of this on a bunch of hallucinations.'
'We're real Doc.'
'And how about this lizard wearing a sombrero that's crawling out of my
hand?'
'That's not real.'
'Oh good. Because it was really starting to freak me out.'
'Anyway before I begin...' but before he could finish a voice similar to
his own interrupted him.
'I did it! I'm in the past! I'm a freaking genius! God, the past.
There's something cooler about it. Something more free about it. I
finally feel unrestrained like some oppressive chains have finally been
lifted off me. My god the feeling. I can't quite...'
'Um, doc. I think you should look down.'
Dr. TO-TI-DO shifted his gaze downwards at his completely naked body.
'ah I see. Well I guess I'll need to work on it a bit more.' blushed
Dr. TO-TI-DO. 'Alright. I think it's time you go to the past. Go to
the past! Now would be a good time!' he said looking at his past self
with an impatient expression.
'What? Oh. Right. I guess I should go to the past. Oh well. Bottoms
up.' The clothed Dr. TO-TI-DO said as he gulped the contents of the
flask.
The unclothed Dr. TO-TI-DO caught the flask held by the disappearing Dr.
TO-TI-DO. After he finished putting his clothes back on he concluded
saying, 'I should get all the kinks out by tomorrow.'
'Okay. I guess that settles it. While I think this whole thing is a
horrible idea if we're going to do this we should send one team to the
past and keep the rest here in case it's some kind of trick. I think
Kid Kesey, Burning Bra Lass, Kid Grass, Draft-Dodging Lad, Listens-to-
Rock-n-Roll Lass, Woman's Lib Lass, Calls-Respectable-People-Fascists
Lad, Flower Child, and Make Love Not War Lad would be the best bet for
the dinosaur mission with the rest of us staying here. Cyg.net.a gave
me this folder which she said you shouldn't open till you've gone to the
past. Once you're in the past open the folder and follow the
instructions to the letter. Cyg.net.a be with us and be groovy.'
The Legion of Net.Hippies agreed with the plan and responded like wise.
'Cyg.net.a be with us and be groovy.'
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A day later...
Various of the LNHippies stood in the LNH Commune hanger to watch the
Electric Kool-Aid Flight.thingee make its journey into the past.
Dr. TO-TI-DO talked into his wrist watch.thingee. 'Okay. Kid Kesey.
Make sure the time coordinates are set right. They are? Okay pull down
the time switch and get ready for the past.'
Electricity started to shoot out of the Electric Kool-Aid
Flight.thingee. A rainbow of fruit flavors started to bleed out of the
vehicle. And then an amazing flash of light. Every single molecule
slipped from the 1970's past into the time of the dinosaurs.
Well every single molecule except for the ones attached to the very
startled and very naked Legion of Net.Hippies that had been in the
vehicle. They floated in mid-air for a brief second before they landed
flat smack down on their asses.
'Okay. That didn't work out. But I think we're making progress,' said
Dr. TO-TI-DO as he slowly backed away from the very angry naked
LNHippies.
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A few more days later...
'Okay this time it is definitely is going to work. I promise!'
'It better,' muttered an irritated Kid Kesey, 'Or its off to the Drug-
Rehab Zone for you!'
'Hey! It's going to work. Let's just think groovy thoughts people and
everything will be all right.' Dr. TO-TI-DO gulped.
Kid Kesey hit the time switch and with a flash the Electric Kool-Aid
Flight.thingee vanished into the past. And this time everything inside
it also vanished.
Anti-Christ Lad sighed with relief. Everything was going to plan.
Anti-Christ Lad figured that Cyg.net.a's influence only went as far as
when humans existed. Once in the past the Hippies would be free of her
mind control and once they read the...
Damn, Anti-Christ Lad noticed the folder they were supposed to take
still lying on the floor. Still maybe they'd remember it and come back.
Damn. Why do these things always happen. Hmm. Why was that
brachiosaurus wearing a lab coat? Oh this was just wonderful. Just
wonderful.
He looked at his arms that had become very slender talons.
The Anti-Christ Allosaurus roared with displeasure.
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Next: Who will save us from the dinosaurs?
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Author's Notes:
Yeah! That was really horrible wasn't it! I guess there's no hope for
this chaotic add on story.
A few notes about the Legion of Net.Hippies:
I decided to make Ole Scratch/Anti-Christ Lad Dark Lord of the 60's in the
hell hierarchy. I figure that would go with Frank being the Dark Lord of
the 70's. I figure the Dark Lord of any decade would be the most powerful
demon of that decade (although Frank was probably still a joke even in the
70's). The Ole Scratch in the Saviors of the Net series was a pale shadow
compared to what he was in the 60's. His reign would have probably started
in the mid 60's and ended in the early 70's when SRP sent him back to hell.
At his peak he had complete control over Net.ropolis (everything from the
city council, police, judges, mob bosses, businesses, churches, the media,
and radical groups). The LNHippies existed before he became a part of the
group and it's possible that he possessed one of their members in becoming
Anti-Christ Lad.
And because you can never create too
many useless characters.
Kid Kesey (based on Ken Kesey) who is able to tap into the Electric-Kool-Aid
Zone, wears psychedelic armor and kaleidoscope glasses. The LNHippies use
his Electric-Kool-Aid Flight.thingee to fly around in.
The Electric-Kool-Aid Flight.thingee has the ability to enter men's minds and
cause people who are close to it to have major hallucinations. And it's
also a cool and refreshing drink!
Dr. TO-TI-DO (or Turn On, Tune In, and Drop Out) based on Timothy Leary.
If Dr. Stomper's brain was baked on acid he'd be a lot like this guy.
He's constantly developing new mind altering drugs and also constantly
taking them.
Here's a list of the Legion of Net.Hippies... feel free to use any of
them
Burning Bra Lass, Kid Grass, Draft-Dodging Lad, Peace Lass,
Demonstration Boy, Calls-Respectable-People-Fascists Lad, Flower Child,
Listens-to-(To say satanic would just be redundant)-Rock-n-Roll Lass,
Needs-a Shave-and-a-Haircut-and-Bath Man, Woman's Lib Lass, Make Love
Not War Lad, Pot Lad, and McGovern Supporter Lad
And if Hell Vine and the Elder Chipmunks resemble any animated kids TV
show it's purely a coincidence. Honest!
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