LNH: Bride of C'thulhu #666 -- A Chaotic Add-On Story

Arspitzer arspitzer at aol.com
Thu Jun 3 01:37:55 PDT 2004

Bride of C'thulhu #666 -- A Chaotic Add-On Story

Meanwhile way back in the early 70's...

Multi-Colored Lights brightened the dark walls.  Smoke lazily swirled 
around the room.  A record player scratchily played the song 'Hippy 
Hippy Shake' by the Swinging Blue Jeans.  In the dark center sat a man 
in a meditative trance surrounded by various colorful candles.  He 
chanted various unpronounceable vowels.  Once this man had been a good 
man.  A man that had dreams and hopes for a better world.  But he made a 
deal.  And now something horrible and ancient swam through his body.

This shell of a man was the most powerful man in Net.ropolis.  He had 
control over the police, the city council, the mayor, the mob bosses, 
the businesses, the churches, the media, the colleges, the various 
underground radical groups, and most importantly the LNH.  The Legion of 
Net.Hippies.  Or at least he did.  Now something more powerful 
controlled the strings.  Something from the future.

He chanted some more.  The 666 in the center of his forehead started to 
blaze red.  A crack in reality started to grow.  The shell of a man 
gazed into the crack.  He saw something.  A chipmunk.  A golden 

'Hey, Hell Vine, Daddy-O!  What's shaking!?'

::there is nothing shaking.  i assume that you're bothering me for a 
good reason.  is the harvest of net.ropolis going according to 
schedule?:: responded a cute high pitched voice that sounded like a 
record being played very fast.

'Well, we've kind of hit a little snag.  You see I've kind of lost 
control over the Legion of Net.Hippies.'

::what? how is that possible?  you're the dark lord of the sixties!::

'Well, that's another thing.  I'm kind of not anymore.  You see this 
chick called Cyg.net.a, well, she seems to be the new Dark Lord of the 
60's as well as every other decade.  She's corrupted the timeline and 
turned Net.ropolis into a Gothic version of itself.  And in doing so has 
become the major evil of all evils.'

::is this what i get for all the hard work i did in helping you reach 
the position of dark lord of the sixties?::

'Hey, it's all groovy man.  This whole thing should blow over once the 
Crossover is finished.  I mean this stuff happens.  I remember during 
Retcon Hour I thought I was Dick Clark.  Now that was crazy, man.'

::i have no intention of waiting until some stupid crossover is through.  
i made you dark lord of the sixties so you could help me free my 
brothers Sigh Moan, and The Door from their interdimensional prison so 
we could once again ravage and rape the looniverse and maybe have a few 
hit records.  maybe i should be speaking to this Cyg.net.a instead of 

'Hey, now!  Let's just take chill pill.  This Cyg.net.a has no lasting 
power.  She's a sledgehammer.  Pure and simple.  And the cosmic powers 
are going to swat her like the fly she is.  Me on the other hand.  I'm 
the Velvet Glove.  Check out my polls.  There's never been a more 
popular Dark Lord ever than me.  I get tons of fan mail.  Teen-age girls 
write to me all the time hoping that I'll be the one that devours their 
souls.  And what about the little old ladies and orphans?  Whose going 
to break their hearts and tell them Ole Scratch isn't in charge when 
they're sent to hell?'

::why should i care about the feelings of little old ladies and 

'Hey that's groovy.  But do you think Cyg.net.a cares about you and your 
brothers?  Do you think she has the Hollywood and music industry 
connections I do?  Stick with me baby and 'Hell Vine and the Elder 
Chipmunks' will be the next big teen sensation.  And of course you'll 
also be free to rape and pillage the Looniverse while you're grooving to 
your new found fame.'

::i'll give you a week, Ole Scratch.  if you aren't the dark lord of the 
sixties by then, i'll wash my hands of you and make my peace with this 

With that the golden crack closed up again.

'Hey that's cool.  I can do that.  Be groovy.'

A frown worked it's way into the face of the hero known as Anti-Christ 
Lad.  Never make a deal with a chipmunk.

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                     Who Will Save the Dinosaurs?

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'Quiet now everybody!  I called this meeting for a reason.  I've just 
spoken with the goddess Cyg.net.a...' said Anti-Christ Lad in the big 
LNH meeting room filled  to the brim with hairy pot heads.

There was a hush in the crowd when the name Cyg.net.a was spoken.  They 
gave Anti-Christ Lad a suspicious look.

'According to Cyg.net.a our old nemesis The Tricky Dick has gone back in 
time and killed all of the dinosaurs.'

'My Cyg.net.a!  It was Nixon who killed the dinosaurs?' gasped Flower 

'I knew this guy was bad news.  I told you people we shouldn't vote for 
him.  But did you listen to me?'  McGovern Supporter Lad said shaking 
his head.

Ignoring McGovern Supporter Lad like most of the other Legion of 
Net.Hippies did Anti-Christ Lad went on with his statement.

'Yes.  By killing all of the dinosaurs over time their corpses would 
eventually become coal and oil.  Thus instead of developing alternative 
energy sources like solar, wind, and flower power we have become 
dependant on fuel sources that are slowly destroying our planet.  To 
make matters worse Nixon rounded up a large number of dinosaurs and sent 
them to the Middle East to be slaughtered.'

'My Cyg.net.a!  This is diabolical!  At least Nixon should have sent 
them to the USA to be slaughtered,' exclaimed Needs-A-Shave-And-A-
Haircut-And-Bath Man.  'Um.. not that I'm for the slaughter of 
dinosaurs,' added Needs-A-Shave-And-A-Haircut-And-Bath Man after getting 
a bunch of glares from his fellow hippies.

'Apparently Cyg.net.a wishes us to go back in time and stop this from 
happening.  My own personal opinion is that it would be a very bad idea 
to do that.'

'Well it's a good thing you don't run the Legion of Net.Hippies, Anti-
Christ Lad.  If Cyg.net.a wishes us to go back in time and stop Nixon 
then that is what we shall do!' blasted Calls-Respectable-People-
Fascists Lad defiantly.

'But how are we going to get to the past?' questioned Peace Lass.

'I think I've solved that problem,' said a voice entering the room.  It 
was the voice of the Legion of Net.Hippies grooviest scientist.  The one 
and only Dr. TO-TI-DO (Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out).

'I've manipulated Kid Kesey's Electric Kool-Aid and turned it into 
Electric Time Kool-Aid.'

'Are you on some kind of drug Dr. TO-TI-DO?'

'Why Yes!'

'Okay.  Just checking.'

'Anyway... Say wait a sec.  You people are real right?  I'd hate to 
waste a demonstration of this on a bunch of hallucinations.'

'We're real Doc.'

'And how about this lizard wearing a sombrero that's crawling out of my 

'That's not real.'

'Oh good.  Because it was really starting to freak me out.'

'Anyway before I begin...' but before he could finish a voice similar to 
his own interrupted him.

'I did it!  I'm in the past!  I'm a freaking genius!  God, the past.  
There's something cooler about it.  Something more free about it.  I 
finally feel unrestrained like some oppressive chains have finally been 
lifted off me.  My god the feeling.  I can't quite...'

'Um, doc.  I think you should look down.'

Dr. TO-TI-DO shifted his gaze downwards at his completely naked body.

'ah I see.  Well I guess I'll need to work on it a bit more.' blushed 
Dr. TO-TI-DO.  'Alright.  I think it's time you go to the past.  Go to 
the past!  Now would be a good time!' he said looking at his past self 
with an impatient expression.

'What?  Oh.  Right.  I guess I should go to the past.  Oh well.  Bottoms 
up.'  The clothed Dr. TO-TI-DO said as he gulped the contents of the 

The unclothed Dr. TO-TI-DO caught the flask held by the disappearing Dr. 
TO-TI-DO.  After he finished putting his clothes back on he concluded 
saying, 'I should get all the kinks out by tomorrow.'

'Okay.  I guess that settles it.  While I think this whole thing is a 
horrible idea if we're going to do this we should send one team to the 
past and keep the rest here in case it's some kind of trick.  I think 
Kid Kesey, Burning Bra Lass, Kid Grass, Draft-Dodging Lad, Listens-to-
Rock-n-Roll Lass, Woman's Lib Lass, Calls-Respectable-People-Fascists 
Lad, Flower Child, and Make Love Not War Lad would be the best bet for 
the dinosaur mission with the rest of us staying here.  Cyg.net.a gave 
me this folder which she said you shouldn't open till you've gone to the 
past.  Once you're in the past open the folder and follow the 
instructions to the letter. Cyg.net.a be with us and be groovy.'

The Legion of Net.Hippies agreed with the plan and responded like wise.

'Cyg.net.a be with us and be groovy.'

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A day later...

Various of the LNHippies stood in the LNH Commune hanger to watch the 
Electric Kool-Aid Flight.thingee make its journey into the past.

Dr. TO-TI-DO talked into his wrist watch.thingee.  'Okay.  Kid Kesey.  
Make sure the time coordinates are set right.  They are?  Okay pull down 
the time switch and get ready for the past.'

Electricity started to shoot out of the Electric Kool-Aid 
Flight.thingee.  A rainbow of fruit flavors started to bleed out of the 
vehicle.  And then an amazing flash of light.  Every single molecule 
slipped from the 1970's past into the time of the dinosaurs.

Well every single molecule except for the ones attached to the very 
startled and very naked Legion of Net.Hippies that had been in the 
vehicle.  They floated in mid-air for a brief second before they landed 
flat smack down on their asses.

'Okay.  That didn't work out.  But I think we're making progress,' said 
Dr. TO-TI-DO as he slowly backed away from the very angry naked 

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A few more days later...

'Okay this time it is definitely is going to work.  I promise!'

'It better,' muttered an irritated Kid Kesey, 'Or its off to the Drug-
Rehab Zone for you!'

'Hey!  It's going to work.   Let's just think groovy thoughts people and 
everything will be all right.'  Dr. TO-TI-DO gulped.

Kid Kesey hit the time switch and with a flash the Electric Kool-Aid 
Flight.thingee vanished into the past.  And this time everything inside 
it also vanished.

Anti-Christ Lad sighed with relief.  Everything was going to plan.  
Anti-Christ Lad figured that Cyg.net.a's influence only went as far as 
when humans existed.  Once in the past the Hippies would be free of her 
mind control and once they read the...

Damn, Anti-Christ Lad noticed the folder they were supposed to take 
still lying on the floor.  Still maybe they'd remember it and come back.  
Damn.  Why do these things always happen.  Hmm.  Why was that 
brachiosaurus wearing a lab coat?  Oh this was just wonderful.  Just 

He looked at his arms that had become very slender talons.

The Anti-Christ Allosaurus roared with displeasure.

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Next:  Who will save us from the dinosaurs?

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Author's Notes:

Yeah!  That was really horrible wasn't it!  I guess there's no hope for 
this chaotic add on story.

A few notes about the Legion of Net.Hippies:

I decided to make Ole Scratch/Anti-Christ Lad Dark Lord of the 60's in the
hell hierarchy.  I figure that would go with Frank being the Dark Lord of
the 70's.  I figure the Dark Lord of any decade would be the most powerful
demon of that decade (although Frank was probably still a joke even in the
70's).  The Ole Scratch in the Saviors of the Net series was a pale shadow
compared to what he was in the 60's.  His reign would have probably started
in the mid 60's and ended in the early 70's when SRP sent him back to hell.
At his peak he had complete control over Net.ropolis (everything from the 
city council, police, judges, mob bosses, businesses, churches, the media, 
and radical groups).  The LNHippies existed before he became a part of the 
group and it's possible that he possessed one of their members in becoming 
Anti-Christ Lad.

And because you can never create too
many useless characters.

Kid Kesey (based on Ken Kesey) who is able to tap into the Electric-Kool-Aid
Zone, wears psychedelic armor and kaleidoscope glasses.  The LNHippies use
his Electric-Kool-Aid Flight.thingee to fly around in.

The Electric-Kool-Aid Flight.thingee has the ability to enter men's minds and
cause people who are close to it to have major hallucinations.  And it's 
also a cool and refreshing drink!

Dr. TO-TI-DO (or Turn On, Tune In, and Drop Out) based on Timothy Leary.
If Dr. Stomper's brain was baked on acid he'd be a lot like this guy.
He's constantly developing new mind altering drugs and also constantly
taking them.

Here's a list of the Legion of Net.Hippies... feel free to use any of 

Burning Bra Lass, Kid Grass, Draft-Dodging Lad, Peace Lass, 
Demonstration Boy, Calls-Respectable-People-Fascists Lad, Flower Child, 
Listens-to-(To say satanic would just be redundant)-Rock-n-Roll Lass, 
Needs-a Shave-and-a-Haircut-and-Bath Man, Woman's Lib Lass, Make Love 
Not War Lad, Pot Lad, and McGovern Supporter Lad

And if Hell Vine and the Elder Chipmunks resemble any animated kids TV 
show it's purely a coincidence.  Honest!

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