[LNH] Vel #2
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Fri Jul 30 03:04:40 PDT 2004
Previously: Deja Dude, Master Blaster, and Vel shrunk down into the
brain of the prisoner known as Badass to treat his brain cancer.
Doctor Stomper was monitoring the treatment from the outside. The
trio blasted out the tumors, but they turned out to be more than that.
They were reproductive nodes for the cosmic entity known as OMAR- the
One Man Abusive Reaction. Now, Stomper is in the Medlab with OMAR,
while Master Blaster, Deja Dude and Vel are inside Badass's brain.
Deja Dude looked bleakly out the window. Master Blaster's jaw
dropped. They both looked ashamed of themselves. Vel rolled his
eyes, half in a `this is just typical' with a side order of mortal
"Now what do we do?" Deja Dude said.
"Simple. You... Find a way to teleport yourself out of here and
restore your size," Vel said. "I'm sure you can handle it."
"Of course," Deja Dude said. "Now who's useless?"
"Shut up!" Master Blaster said.
"Then Master Blaster and I will rewire the auxiliary thrusters so
that it emits high end electrical discharges through the outer hull of
the flight thingee. Once we do that, we overload the Size
Manipulation drive to shrink the flight thingee down to a
Schwartzchild size while inside...." Vel said.
"Wait a moment. Are you talking about shrinking yourself down so
that your matter would fit within the Schwartzchild radius
corresponding to your mass?" Deja
Dude asked. "That would be suicide!"
"Well... yes, but it would take out the OMAR production facility. You
have any better ideas?" Vel asked.
"Ummm... no...," replied Deja Dude.
"All righty then," Vel said. "Let's ride!"
Mitochondrial Mayhem Part Two: Deadly Reactions
By Jesse N. Willey
As OMAR approached him, Doctor Stomper thought his life was over.
At least, that's what he thought for approximately one sixteenth of a
second. Then he saw a second mass growing on top of the second OMAR
mass. To Stomper, it looked oddly like Deja Dude.
"What in Dog's name," Stomper said.
"Taa-daa!" Deja Dude said.
The OMAR's took a quick look at their opponents and shrugged.
"The two of us versus you two washed up has beens? You aren't even
a match for one of us," said OMAR #1.
"Let alone both. We are of one mind and one purpose," said OMAR #2.
Doctor Stomper smiled. That gave him a plan. He hoped it worked.
He wasn't something he hadn't tried in many years.
"Oh really," Stomper said.
An almost inaudible noise emanated from the directions of Omar #2.
"What did you say?" asked OMAR #1.
"Hmmm... sounded to me like he said `Your mother's so dumb, she eats
out of the liter box'" said Deja Dude.
OMAR #1 turned to OMAR #2 and scowled. Stomper dove for his vials
and began mixing chemicals. For once in his life, he was glad he
took those ventriloquism lessons in college.
"Cover me," he whispered to Deja Dude.
"You got it, Doc," said Deja Dude.
Master Blaster was no mechanic, but he knew a weapons system when he
saw one. Vel on the otherhand, was an expert engineer. He was also
half dorf, one of the most feared warrior races in the known galaxy.
You could give him any machine, and he could find away to turn it into
"Are you sure this will work?" Master Blaster said.
"Yes," Vel said as he adjusted some wires. "Sonic Wrench."
"You sure?" Master Blaster said handing him the wrench.
"Completely positive. Dorfan captains do this trick all the time.
Practically the first thing you're taught how to do in combat
training," Vel said, handing back the wrench. "That should do it."
"Really? And how many times have the crews of these ships come
back?" Master Blaster said.
"About as many times as times as the Red Sox have won the World
Series in the last quarter century," Vel said. "But I figure, hell,
anything is possible."
Master Blaster sighed. He liked a good fight. But a suicidal
half-dorf and jury rigged engines wasn't his idea of a good battle.
"What's up with all this combat technology? I thought Dorf's prefer
to fight hand to hand," Master Blaster said.
"In general, most of them do. Despite the name, Haven wasn't quite
as peaceful as it sounds. During my younger years, I often got picked
on by the full blooded dorf boys. The first real brawl I got in, I
lost. But the next day, they came back. I learned how to win.
Use every advantage I had. Rocks, sticks, sand, and the most danger
weapon in arsenal. My mind," Vel said.
Master Blaster harrumphed, and then walked back into the cabin.
Omar #1 dealt with OMAR #2 the only way he could. He ripped him to
shreads and ate every piece. That's the only way he could be safe.
One body, one mind, one purpose. While OMAR was eating Deja Dude
snuck up behind him with a syringe. Omar began shrieking and
"Geez, Doc, what is that stuff?" Deja Dude said.
"The anti-OMAR serum," Stomper said. "It's basically causing its
molecular structure to tear itself apart."
"Cooooooool," Deja Dude said. "Y'know, I better go check on
Vel sat at the navigation controls. Master Blaster sat with a
solemn look on his face. This was not the way he wanted to die. He
had a wife and a whole life to look forward to. More importantly, he
rented three DVDs from the video store and forgot to return them.
The late fees were going to be incredible.
"Engaging auxiliary thruster offensive system!" Master Blaster said.
"Primary thrusters are guiding us through the cancerous mass.
Engaging size manipulation drive," said Vel.
There was a loud popping noise and Deja Dude returned. Bolts flew
from the controls. Vel swore in Dorfan. Master Blaster looked
"Hey guys, need any help?"
"Thanks to your grandstanding, we've lost control on the size
adjustment drive," Vel snarled.
"So, I'll take that as a yes," Deja Dude said.
"Just take Master Blaster and get the frig out of here!" Vel said.
"I'll take it from here."
"But... but you'll," Deja Dude said.
"No, I'll be fine," Vel said. "Only the good die young."
Deja Dude, Master Blaster, and Stomper waited for several minutes.
There was no sign of Vel. They we turning away, and turning out the
"Do you think he's coming back?" asked Deja Dude.
"Did he check anything out from the video store?" Master Blaster
"What's Up Tigerlily? and Mister Smith Goes to Washington," Deja Dude
"He'll be back," Mater Blaster said.
It was at that very moment that Badass's head exploded.
Vel chose to fly through the Mitochondria for a reason. He knew
that the moment he left the field of the size adjustment drive, he
would slowly begin returning to normal size. At the moment, he was
driving around in Badass's Mitochondrial DNA. Why? Because it might
just be his only chance to see it. Then he saw a white glowing blob
in the distance.
"There's my ride," he said.
He opened the hatch. Water began flooding into the Flight Thingee.
Vel began swimming out. He swam free of the vehicle. The grey
cancerous mass bellowed and screamed.
"Nothing stops OMAR, you inbred alien bastard. You'll never get out
of here alive, Mister Peterson," the tumor yelled.
"OMAR, prepare to meet Kali... IN HELL!" Vel shouted.
He grabbed the big white blob just as it began to accelerate away.
After about 35 seconds, his lungs began to sting. He couldn't
breath. Luckily, he didn't have to, because there was a loud
He landed, full sized on the other side of the medbay. Scattered
parts of the flight thingee flew across the room.
"Vel, how did you do that? What about setting the flight thingee to
Schwartzchild size?" Stomper said.
"Rode...... an ATP molecule out. I only shrunk....... the size manipulation
drive itself. Feedback is the............. easiest way to overload it after
all. The singularity only has...... the range of about a quarter," Vel
gasped. "I think... I need a hyperbolic chamber."
"Right away," said Doctor Stomper.
"Well, y'know what they say... alls well that Benz well," Deja Dude
"You had to say it, didn't you."
Vel and Badass created by Jesse N. Willey. Deja Dude and Master
Blaster created by Martin Phipps. OMAR created by Saxon Brenton and
Jamie Rosen. Doctor Stomper is public domain. This document
copyright Jesse N. Willey
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