[LNH] Deja Dude and Master Blaster Special #1

[Martin Phipps]

                                      Deja Dude and Master Blaster Special 
#1
                                   Deja Dude and Master Blaster Go 
Hollywood!

  "Master Blaster and I are in the TV room at LNH HQ and we've just seen 
Underworld!  Rob, what did you think?"
  "I'm confused."
  "I'm not surprised."
  "Vampires and werewolfs exist because they are infected with viruses, 
right?"
  "In the movie, that's how it is, yes."
  "And in Resident Evil, the zombies are also created by a virus, right?"
  "That's right."
  "So what's the difference between a vampire and a zombie?"
  "Well, let's see, a vampire needs to drink blood while a zombie will eat 
your flesh."
  "But if a vampire drinks your blood then you also become a vampire, 
right?"
  "Right."
  "So what happens if you are attacked first by a vampire and then by a 
zombie?"
  "I'm not sure."
  "Well what about a werewolf being attacked by a zombie?"
  "Ah!  Well then the werewolf would become a zombie.  After all, in 
Resident Evil, it wasn't just humans who became zombies but also dogs who 
became zombies."
  "So a vampire bitten by a zombie would become a zombie too!"
  "I guess so... but it wouldn't work the other way around because the 
zombie blood is already congealed so a vampire wouldn't be able to drink a 
zombie's blood, let alone infect it."
  "So it wasn't a stupid question!"
  "Never said it was.  What did you think of Kate Beckinsale in Underworld?"
  "Oh she was great!  I think she would make a good Psylocke for X-Men 3!"
  "You think they should go with the British version of Psylocke?"
  "Not necessarily.  They could put Kate Beckinsale in the Nimbo Psylocke 
costume and then have her walking away from the camera in every scene and 
I'd be very happy."
  "So, really, we're no so much casting her as an actress as we are casting 
her butt."
  "Exactly!  She looked really good in her leather outfit in Underworld so I 
figure she'd look even better in a thong!  She wouldn't even have to be in 
more than one scene because when the DVD comes out I could stop, rewind and 
watch the scene over and over again until I got my money's worth!"
  "I know what you mean.  That's what I like about comics.  If there's a 
particular panel that is drawn very well then I can sit and stare at it for 
as long as I like.  I can go through an issue at my own pace without having 
to stop and rewind all the time."
  "That's true."
  "Hey!  Why don't we do a whole issue where we're reviewing movies!"
  "Good idea!"
  "It could be like Trux and Spite Grrrl Go Hollywood where they would 
review movies while being in mortal danger!"
  "Let's go for it!"
  "Alright."

  "Um... let me see... the Butterfly Effect... Ashton Kutcher and Amy Smart 
star in this movie about... um... excuse me but why are we hanging upside 
down by our ankles suspended by bungee cords over a pool of hungry pirahna?"
  "I thought we needed to be in mortal danger to make this issue work."
  "It's hard to concentrate like this!  The blood is rushing to my head!"
  "Okay, we'll go back to the TV room."

  "Anyway, as I was saying, Amy Smart is really great in this movie!  She's 
got a great @$$!"
  "That's it?  That's your entire review?"
  "That's about all I remember from the movie.  The timelines changed so 
often I don't remember anything about the plot."
  "So is that how you're going to review all these movies?  But rating the 
butt of the female lead?"
  "Oh!  That reminds me!  Lost in Translation is actually a pretty good 
movie in that respect, right from the opening shot!"
  "Oh definitely!  When I saw previews of this movie I thought 'You're in 
Japan!  Go enjoy yourself!'  I couldn't understand why Bill Murray's 
character would want to hang out with this woman but she turned out to be... 
very nice."
  "Stacked!  The word is 'stacked'!  You can say it!"
  "The whole point of the movie was that he really didn't want to be in 
Japan.  He missed his wife and family.  I can relate to that.  And even 
though he might usualy have no problems avoiding temptation as he did with 
that Japanese woman early in the movie--"
  "Except she was a bit over the hill."
  "Yeah, well, so was he.  Anyway, I found it touching the way he obviously 
wanted to be intimate with Scarlett Johansson's character but the fact that 
he's married, she's married and the fact that that's just not why he's in 
Japan, it actually worked better not having them become intimate, unless you 
consider his touching her ankle to be intimacy."
  "Not quite, no."
  "I could relate to him and his situation because I have had friendships 
with women that never became sexual even if that was the way I would have 
wanted things to go.  I can cherish those memories more fondly now that 
Hollywood has done a movie about such a relationship.  It's good for guys 
like us to be reminded once in a while that a relationship can be meaningful 
even without sex."
  "Um... you think so?  Really?"
  "Well, yeah, unless you happen to believe that every date that you ever 
had that didn't end in sex was a complete waste of time!"
  "Hmmm."
  "Let's see.  What else have I seem lately?  Spiderman 2!"
  "Oh yes!  Spiderman 2!  Great movie!  Not as good as the original though!"
  "Really?"
  "No.  The original had the scene with Kirsten Dunst in the rain kissing 
Spiderman as he was hanging upside down from a building!  That was superbly 
erotic!  There was nothing like that in Spiderman 2!"
  "True, but maybe 'superbly erotic' isn't what Sam Raini was going for this 
time.  Tell you what!  Let's do some quick one minute reviews!"
  "You mean like Ebert and Roeper?"
  "Exactly."
  "Alright.  Starsky and Hutch is a comedy about two cops based on the 70s 
TV series of the same name.  I realise that Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson are 
at the top of their game as comedians but, as a moviegoer, I want to be 
entertained.  I'm not there to simply admire talent but to be entertained by 
it.  Starsky and Hutch just doesn't do it for me."
  "Harsh.  Terminator 3, on the other hand, worked far better than I 
expected it would.  Critics had panned Terminator 3 for being inconsistant 
with Terminator 2, a movie that claimed that Judgement Day would either come 
sometime in 1997 or not at all, but if you just watch Terminator 3 without 
having seen Terminator 2 then, if not for the stupid line in Terminator 3 
about Judgement Day having been 'postponed', the movie actaully works very 
well.  Of course, it makes sense that if people can come back in time from 
the future then the future must be, as the film states, 'inevitable' in 
order to avoid the obvious time paradoxes!"
  "Yeah, I know what you mean.  The future is 'inevitable' but it was 
'postponed'?  Huh?"
  "Exactly.  If it can be postponed once then why can't it be postponed 
indefinitely?"
  "Another movie that got panned by critics was The League of Extra-ordinary 
Gentlemen, but this one rightfully so!  The characters in this movie all 
looked so bored that it was hard to believe anyone was in any grave danger!  
We need to get to Venice?  No problem!  Nemo has a boat!  Half of Venice has 
collapsed!  No problem!  The rest of the city is still standing!  If Sean 
Connery had been in New York on September 11th would he be all smiles 
because the rest of the city was still standing?  I don't think so!"
  "Yeah, that was really stupid.  The make up effects for Mr. Hyde were 
pretty good though.  Makes me wonder if they couldn't have done something 
similar with the Hulk although it's too late now.  We wouldn't have been 
able to have the scene with the Hulk smashing those tanks if it had just 
been a guy with fake arms though!"
  "Yeah, that's true!  People complain about the Hulk movie not having 
enough 'Hulk Smash!' but the special effects in that movie were actually 
very expensive to produce and what we did get worked very well, I thought.  
If there's a sequel they could cut corners a bit and show us more action 
while spending less money on each scene.  What I didn't like was the fact 
that Jennifer Connelly had her breasts reduced before making this movie."
  "Really?"
  "Yeah.  Apparently she wanted to get more serious roles and didn't want 
casting directors to look at her and immediately pick her for some role 
where she's showing a lot of cleavage all the time."
  "That's too bad."
  "Yeah.  I mean, this was a comic book movie!  I expected things to be 
larger than life!"
  "Maybe in the sequel she can be the She-Hulk and her breasts will grow 
back when she gets angry!"
  "Ha ha!  Yeah!  On the other hand, Catwoman looks like it is going to be 
good in that respect.  The only problem I have with Catwoman is the casting 
of Sharon Stone!  She never could act!  The only reason people went to see 
her movies is because she wasn't shy about taking her clothes off!  What's 
the point of casting her in a movie where she leaves her clothes on?"
  "True, but do we really want to see her naked in a movie anymore?"
  "Yeah, that's true.  No worries with Halle Berry though in that regard!  
She is still young and firm!"
  "Right.  Maybe we don't have to wait for Catwoman to come out!  Maybe we 
can rent Gothika and see Halle Berry in that?"
  "Except that Gothika is a horror movie.  I don't know if there are going 
to be any sexy scenes.  It might not be worth watching.  We could rent 
Swordfish or Die Another Day instead."
  "I know!  We can go to www.screenit.com!"
  "www.screenit.com?"
  "It's supposed to be for web site parents so that they can know it advance 
whether a movie has any sex, violence or nudity in it before they rent it 
and bring it home or go take their kids to the theatre.  But we can use the 
same site to go the other way: to find out if the movie DOES have sex or 
nudity and then find out if it is something WE would want to see!"
  "Ha ha!  Good idea!"
  "Quick!  Let's go to the computer room!"

  "Well?"
  "They rate Gothika as being 'Heavy' for 'Sex/Nudity' but all we get to see 
of Halle Berry is 'the side of (her) bare butt'."
  "Right.  Screw that.  Let's rent Swordfish instead."
  "They rate Swordfish as 'Extreme' for 'Sex/Nudity'."
  "They've obviously never seen a movie directed by Rex Borski."
  "How about something we haven't seen already?  Like Kill Bill?"
  "And see Lucy Liu get killed?  No way!"
  "Hmm.  That gives me an idea.  We could rent Charlie's Angels: Full 
Throttle!  We've both seen it but that was in the theatre and it hasn't come 
out on TV yet!"
  "Hey!  Good idea!  We have to go back to the video store anyway to return 
Underworld!"
  "Right!  Thanks for reminding me!  Okay!  Let's go!"

                                                               THE END

Trux and Spite Grrrl created by Mark Friedman
Deja Dude and Master Blaster created by me.

Martin

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