[LNH/LNH2] Vel #0
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Fri Jul 9 05:16:44 PDT 2004
He found the room calming. Vel relaxed in the chair. Bookshelves and
art work lined the walls. Grey haired man with a beard say at the
desk across from him. He was smoking a cigar.
"You shouldn't smoke, Doc, you could get cancer," Vel said.
"What makes you think I could get cancer," the man said.
He hesitated for a moment. He didn't know how much he should tell
the doctor. How far did Doctor/Patient relationship apply?
"Nothing. Nothing. You're right. It's just a cigar," Vel
"So, you were telling me about your battle with this other self?"
"Right, right, my other self," said Vel. "Before I can talk about
that... There is something I forgot to talk about."
"Go on," said the Doctor.
"It was back when I was in the twenty teens..." said Vel.
The Man I Never Was part Six of Six
By Jesse N. Willey
I stood in the timeporter room. Seductress stood at the control.
I was snarling almost animalistically. I was prepping myself for a
battle I didn't know if I was coming back from. I was imagining half
a dozen different battle scenarios in my head. A million different
ways to die. Something didn't seem right. I needed an edge.
"Jen, can this thing scan different eras in the past?" I said.
"Yeah, sure. Easy as pie," she said.
"Good. Set it for the J. Allen Hynek Building on the day of our
battle there," I said. "Search the wreckage of a Regal 13 cruiser for
any container with an energy signature consistent with twentieth
century dorfan technology."
"Beaming up important artifacts out of the past is mutiny," she said.
"And knocking out guards isn't," I said. My voice became slightly
gravelly. "Ro sou polkos tolemosh polkos reb cresden nu Dorfia."
"Huh? That's sounds familiar."
"It's an old Dorfan proverb. Roughly translated it means If you
fall, be sure to fall all the way to the firestones of Dorfia," Vel
Jennifer pushed a few buttons on the timeporter pad. A small
backpack appeared. I smiled at her. She turned her eyes away.
"Thank you," I said.
"So, tell me about Jennifer," The Doctor said.
"Look, I'm trying to tell you something important," Vel said.
"Something more important than a beautiful woman?" The Doctor said.
"No. I'm not. It's just that I'm not well... human. Not really.
I'm half human and half dorf. I'm never really been comfortable with
either one. I'm always having to chose one or the other. When
really, I don't know which one is the mask and which is the real me,"
Vel said. "I don't want to get close to anyone because I might just
be a monster."
"Ah! An identity crisis caused a repression of the ID. Now we are
getting somewhere, Mister Peterson," The Doctor said.
"Please, call me Vel. It's the closest to a terranization of my name
as you're likely to get," Vel said. "Can I get back to my story?"
"If you wish," the Doctor said.
"So, I had just got back in time. Only now I was armed and ready,"
Vel said. "But what I found waiting for me was...."
There was a loud pop. Apparently, even the device took you are
apart like a transmat device, but popped! you back like some sort of
vortex. It was just one of those small scientific questions that
I reached into my backpack and found two devices. In my right
hand, I had my lasersword and an anti gravity skateboard in the other.
I had prepped the antigravity skateboard on my feet.
"Just great. A time portal just went open," Authority said.
"Judging by the ringing in my ear, I'd say at least two of them."
"Hikeeeba!" I snarled as I flew over the Authority's head toward my
He snarled, just as I was doing. He took a katana off the now
amputated Ultimate Ninja. I switched on my laser blade, but it didn't
activate. I freaked. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Screw You
Over Lad laughing.
"Jen, take on Laslo. Battle plan twenty-seven," I shouted.
"Screw You Over Lad."
My other self took a slice at me from the right with his sword.
Before his arm had even moved, I had dodged to the left. It was
almost as if there was some strange connection between the two of us.
Behind me, I could hear Jailbait flirting with Screw You Over Lad.
After a minute or two, he took the bait and was antigrav lifted into
the ceiling. Busting through the lighting he has blasted with energy
directly off headquarters main power grid.
The Other me, who had hit on Jailbait... I mean Jennifer... in our last
fight, was furious. He glared at me as if to say `Well played.'
He growled and pulled a small grenade from his belt. While I could
sense it coming, I still wasn't prepared for the concussive force. I
dropped the sword and I was knocked back toward Jennifer. My sword
landed near the barely conscious Ultimate Ninja. The other me turned
back around and headed for Stomper. As I was blown through the
air, I heard Johnny Stomper shout.
"You have to save my uncle," he shouted.
"So you're saying this doppelganger you had sexual feelings for this...
Jennifer?" The Doctor said.
"Yeah... you could say that."
"And he is nothing more than a primal, uninhibited, version of
yourself... correct?" The Doctor said.
"Sorta. I mean, we're both half-human, half-dorf. I chose to act
more like a human, he chose to act more like a Dorf, " Vel said.
"Very interesting," The Doctor said. "You may continue."
I managed not to hit the ground over near Jen. Boy, was I glad I
had that antigravity skateboard. I looked over at the now
unconscious Screw You Over Lad. I turned by head back towards the
other me. The other me was charging toward Vincent Stomper.
"Die!" he shouted.
I whispered over to the Jen.
"Can you give me an extra jolt of antigravity?" I asked.
"I don't see how that will help but..."
"As a famous engineer is fond of saying `Ruff-ruff, more power!'" I
I charged at my other self at high speed. Faster than the board
should be going. Yet, he was still able to block me. That's when I
realized something. All those weird dreams weren't really dreams.
They were his past. I knew all about him, and he knew all about me.
We could read each other like a book.
I heard a scream, which was immediately followed by the thwump sound.
It was follow by a loud, almost carnal scream. I looked at my
other self's knee and saw my lasersword stuck in his knee. I knew the
Ninja had to have thrown it. It would have been pure instinct for
him. That's how I realized how to beat this guy. I closed my eyes,
cleared by head of all thought....
...and jumped off the antigravity skateboard. It hit him like a car on
the railroad tracks. The board shattered as it hit his rib cage, but
part of it had managed to puncture his lung.
"I have fallen," he said.
"Ro sou polkos tolemosh polkos reb cresden nu Dorfia," I replied.
"Thank you....." he gasped. "...brother."
And he passed out.
"What did you say to him?" Jennifer asked.
For a moment, I blinked, almost consumed by Déjà vu.
"Ask me again sometime, and I'll tell you," I said.
"So, do you talk to this Jennifer often?" The Doctor said.
"Cut that out. You think I want to sleep with Jen. Maybe I do. But
I'm still kinda sorta dating Carina. Yeah, I know she sold out some
information to Ultimate Ninja when he was hunting me down and I've
been meaning to break up with her but until then..." Vel said.
"So you are justifying containing your impulses by creating a sense
of duty and honor. Not the behavior one would expect from animal...
such as, what is that you call them, Dorfs?" The Doctor said.
"Hey! Even Dorf's have honor. That phrase I told my other self, and
Jen in the future. It doesn't mean what you think it does. It
doesn't mean `If you're going to go to hell, just go'. The firerocks
of Dorfia aren't like the gates of hell. Quite the opposite. I
guess it's more like... trying to think of an Earthily equivalent here...
Valhalla. It means if you're going to die, don't just for the sake of
dying. Go that extra mile. Die for something that's worth it," Vel
"If you have fallen in love with Jennifer, you should pursue it. She
just might be worth it," The Doctor said.
"I'm just going back to my story now," Vel said.
The world went hazy for just a fraction of a second. Almost as if I
was looking at it through a giant soap bubble. Then it cleared
"What? Why did you just beat the crap out of him? I told you he was
the key to saving the lives of three legionaires," Johnny Stomper
"What the frig are you talking about? You said he was going to snap
Vinne's neck and you were going to have to put his brain into a
StomperRobo?" Vel said.
Johnny frowned for a moment.
"I did? It seems familiar. But it didn't happen like that. But
why did I say that?" Johnny said. "Why would I lie?"
Vincent Stomper walked up behind him.
"Because it wasn't a lie when you said it. You said it... Vel stopped
it. Instead of blinking the whole chain of events out entirely, time
merely shifted ever so slightly," Vincent said.
"So why do Vel and I remember how it originally happened," Jailbait
said. "Let me guess... it's just one of those time travel things."
"You're learning, kiddo," I said.
There was a loud beep over the intercom.
"All LNH personnel and visitors. We have an intruder in the
sub-sub-sub-basement storage area. It's Doctor Killfile!" said Pizza
"Vincent, Authority, get Ninja and other me to med lab," I said as I
switched off the lasersword. The wound was cauterized. "Johnny,
Jen, with me. We're about to be those three Legionnaires. Only this
time, I have a plan."
"So, you brought Jennifer with you when you went to face certain
death," The Doctor said.
"This mixture of death and sex cannot be healthy," The Doctor said.
"Will you cut that out?" Vel said. "Ya perv."
"Continue with your story."
"Okay, so I took the timeporter recall device from Johnny..."
We went to meet Killfile in the Sub-sub-sub basement. Even with all
the crates, he was easy enough to spot. I stared at him and I could
tell what he was looking for. It was revenge, pure and simple.
"Now, we finish this, Killfile," I said.
"You still live? I thought your double would have taken care of you
by now," he said. His eyes were almost bloodshot. "But I thought
He released an energy blast at a stack of wooden crates. The fire
spread faster than lightning. Several crates exploded leaving
burning debris in their path. Johnny turned to run. Jennifer took to
"Velll!" she shouted.
"Get Johnny out of here," I yelled. "He's already done his part."
Killfile's hand began to glow. He fired another energy bolt at me.
Right as the beam began to leave the blast radius of his had, I heard
Jen growl. Killfile's arm rose up to the ceiling. Rubble began to
fall rapidly. I dropped the device and was pinned to the ground.
Fortunately so was Killfile. Who won this fight would depend on who
got that device. Killfile had blasted his way out while I was still
digging my way out. He reached for the device. There was a
mysterious loud thump behind me.
"Look out!" Jen yelled.
At first I thought she meant look out for Killfile. Then I saw a
shadow looming over me. It was my other self. Apparently, a few
minutes on the Kirbytech bed was all he needed. I tried to get
myself up but ankle was too swollen. He took out his sword and aimed
it at Killfile.
"This ends!" he shouted.
Killfile picked up the recall device.
"This machine here. It's proof that I am the one your ancient people
spoke of. The one who had the dorfs shut down the portals," Killfille
ranted. "Your people owe me a great deal."
"If you really believe that push the button right now," I coughed.
"Go on... show my other self here that divine glory, oh great savior and
My other self gave me a look. I knew he switched sides after I beat
him. He had no idea why I was acting like I didn't. Over 5,000 years
of dorfan tradition had taken a strong hold in his blood. He was so
used to working with his fists. Killfile had two options. Push the
button and try to convince my other self that he was the savior of the
Dorfan people or not push the button and reveal himself to be a fraud.
I knew Killfile. I knew how to push him over the edge.
"You play a good game Dorf," Killfile said. "But you made one
mistake. You think I'm stupid. You're trying to goad me into
pushing the button so I'll think I'm not supposed to push it. It
takes more than that to outsmart The Great Killfile."
He pushed the button. Just like I knew he would. I thought he was
stupid, so I goaded him into pushing the button, so that he would
stupidly think I was trying to get him not to push it, so that he
actually would. There was bright flash of light. Killfile was
gone, but the device remained there. I grabbed it before it hit the
ground and punched a few numbers into the controls.
"All set," I said.
My fingers reached down to the button. A hand clamped down on the
other of the device and took the device from my hand.
"You have set the device to go back in time several weeks before
Killfile's arrival, so you can get the vortex closed?" Vel asked.
"Yeah, that was essentially the plan," I said.
"Your way of fighting, your craftiness. It won't go over well in the
days of the old empire. You belong here. I-I have done horrible
things. I beg you, brother, give me a chance to regain my honor, as a
warrior, a legionnaire, and a Dorf," he said.
I stared into his eyes. I saw the same determination, the same sense
of pride that Vincent must have seen in me on half a dozen occasions.
I knew I had no other choice.
"Godspeed, Vel the Prophet," I said.
He pressed the button and there was another flash of light. The
device still remained. And I was alone.
"So what happened to your doppelganger after that?" The Doctor said.
"I don't really know. If you believe the old Dorfan legends, he
closed the vortexs, trapped Killfile in temporal transit, then
vanished into the mountains and was never seen again," Vel said.
"Enough about Jennifer, okay."
"Think what you will," The Doctor said.
"What I think is, that I hated my double for weeks. Then it turned
out he was an honorable man. Sort of a noble savage. The type of
person I've always admired, but I could never be myself," Vel said.
"I think you maybe wrong about that," The Doctor said. "I'm sorry,
but our time is up."
"Thank you, Sigmund," Vel said. He handed Doctor Freud two gold
coins, then he pulled a small device the size of television remote
from his pocket. "It's been a pleasure, as always. Same time next
"If you wish," Sigmund said. "And remember what I told you."
He pushed two buttons and then vanished from the Doctor's office in
Vienna, Austria. He appeared somewhere in the foothills of West
Virginia. He began slowly walking up into hills.
Vel, Skateboard Repair Lass, Screw You Over Lad and Vel created by
Jesse N. Willey. Pizza Girl, Jailbait and Seductress (technically
the same character) created by Martin Phipps. Ultimate Ninja and
Adamant Authority on Everything created by wream. Johnny Stomper
created by Josh Geurink. The Good Doctor Freud belongs to Austria.
Doctor Killfile is public domain. This document copyright Jesse N.
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