[LNHY/ACRA] Google.mesh #2
phippsmartin at hotmail.com
Sun Dec 5 20:28:01 PST 2004
Google.mesh #2: The Epic of Google.mesh, Part I
Google.mesh told his story to Martin and TJ in Martin's apartment.
"More than 4700 years ago, I was the king of Sci.maria, the land which you
now call I.rec. More than 500 years had past since the Great Flood and I
wanted to bring back the glory of days long past. So I ordered my people to
build the great city of U.rec.
"Well, actually, the truth is I wanted the people to build a great city in
my honour. You see, I really wasn't a very kind king. One of the things I
did in those days, besides order people to build the city, was to have young
virgins brought to me so that I could be the first to know of them."
"You were a rapist?" Martin asked.
"By today's standards, yes," Google.mesh admitted, "but, to be honest, I
just saw it as asserting my authority. Great rulers throughout history have
behaved in a similar manner, including your President Clinton.
"Anyway, God was very much angered by the way I behaved, so he sent down an
angel named Enkiben to knock some sense into me. Enkiben was no ordinary
angel: God had made him strong enough and powerful enough to best me in
combat, or so he had thought.
"Enkiben came to U.rec and found me as I was about to have my way with one
of my subjects. He confronted me, infuriated by the way I had been abusing
the women of my kingdom. The two of us then had a fight scene together.
"After a long and glorious battle, I finally managed to gain the upper
hand. Enkiben conceded that I was the stronger and more powerful one and I,
in turn, conceded that Enkiben was right to be angry at me for the way I had
treated my people. The two of us became good friends.
"I started feeling guilty about having forced my people to build the great
city of U.rec while I, the strongest of all, did nothing. You see, Enkiben
had taught me that with great power comes great responsibility. So I
decided to travel to I.ram and cut down the great cedar forest. Thing is,
the great cedar forest was guarded by the demon Rom.baba the Terrible."
"He was an environmentalist?" TJ asked.
"He was an evil demon!" Google.mesh insisted. "Anyway, Enkiben told me
that no man, not even I, was strong enough to do battle with a demon,
especially Rom.baba the Terrible. My father, Dumuzeus, also cautioned me
against this endeavour, but I insisted, so he asked Enkiben to go with me
and Enkiben reluctantly agreed.
"But once we had arrived at the great cedar forest, Enkiben told me we
should turn back. I lost my temper and the two of us had another fight
scene. So great was our battle that Rom.baba was alerted to our presence in
the forest. Now we had no choice but to face him together!
"The two of us then teamed up against Rom.baba. Enkiben called to God for
help in defeating Rom.baba, which apparently helped because we soon had
Rom.baba on his knees before us. I drew my sword.
"Rom.baba, having been defeated, begged us for mercy. He said he would let
us cut down the trees if we were to spare his life. I hesitated,
considering the demon's offer, but then Enkiben reminded me that Rom.baba
was a demon, not to be trusted, so I cut off the demon's head before he
could betray us.
"Before Rom.baba died he called out a curse: Enkiben would become mortal
and I would live to see my friend die. We then cut down the trees in the
forest and carried them to the Euphra.tech river so that we could build a
raft to take us back to U.rec.
"We returned to U.rec as heroes. Word of my exploits reached my cousin
I.sig of E-gypt who then came to U.rec and offered herself up to me as my
wife. I pointed out to her that, while still beautiful, she was much older
than me and was no virgin.
"Angered by my insult, I.sig threatened to raise the dead and have them
devour the people of my kingdom."
"She threatened to send zombies against you?" TJ asked, incredulously.
"You could say that," Google.mesh said. "She was one mean, nasty bitch.
Anyway, instead she used her magic to conjure up a bull so powerful that it
would kill anyone who got in its way. Enkiben and I teamed up again and
killed the bull.
"I.sig screamed with rage. In response, Enkiben ripped off one of the
thighs of the bull and hurled it into her face. Infuriated by Enkiben's
insolence, I.sig then said that Enkiben, who was once immortal, would now
grow sick and die.
"Over the next couple of weeks I watched as Enkiben grew more and more
sick. At first, Enkiben blamed me for all that had happened to him, but
then he remembered how much of a friend I had been to him and he decided
that this was all God's fault for not protecting him.
"He probably shouldn't have said that. God himself suddenly appeared
before us and said that, for losing faith in him, he was going to punish
Enkiben by sending him to Hell.
"I asked God what would happen to me. He reminded me that I was not
immortal either, that I too would die some day and that when I did I would
not be welcome at the gates of Heaven.
"Well, to be honest with you, I was scared shitless: all I could think
about was how I was going to die one day and go to Hell. I was determined
to discover the secret of eternal life.
"Then I remembered the story of Utnoatrashatim. According to legend,
Utnoatrashatim had lived for thousands of years before the Great Flood.
What if he was still alive? Perhaps I could find him and he could tell me
the secret of eternal life!
"The descendants of Utnoatrashatim were living in E-gypt. I.sig and her
children, the Pharoahs, angry at them for continuing to worship the God who
had killed their ancesters in the Great Flood, had turned them into slaves
and was having them build her cities. I had to go to E-gypt and speak with
these people and find out what they knew.
"To arrive in E-gypt I had to pass the mountains. Tired and hungry, I went
to a tavern and met a young woman named Sidu.rec.
"I told Sidu.rec who I was and why I had come. She told me that
Utnoatrashatim was still alive but that he was not in E-gypt: he was living
on what is now called the island of Cre.tech. She told me about a boat
which could take me to this far away island.
"Finally I arrived on the island where Utnoatrashatim lived and tracked him
down. He was not what I expected: he was an old man, near death himself.
Yes, he had lived for all these years but even he would die someday. I was
disappointed, realising that all mortal men had to one day die.
"Nevertheless, I insisted on having him tell me how he had managed to live
all these years. He told me that he would tell me the secret of his
longevity if I could just stay awake for a seven full days.
"I thought it would be easy, but I was so tired after my long journey that
instead of staying awake for seven days, I quickly fell asleep and didn't
wake up for another seven days! To prove that I had been asleep all this
time, Utnoatrashatim had his wife bake a loaf of bread and place it at my
feet. When I woke up, I saw that the bread was moldy and stale and I
realised that I had been asleep for a long time.
"But even though I had failed the test, Utnoatrashatim and his wife took
pity on me: they told me about a plant that grows only on the bottom of the
sea. If I eat that plant I would become young again.
"I tied stones to my feet, sank to the bottom of the sea and picked the
plant. But I was worried. What if, instead of granting me youth, the plant
turned out to be poison? I decided to return to Sci.maria with the plant
and test it out on an old man there to see if it worked.
"I took the boat back to E-gypt but, as I rested on the shore, an old
wondersock crawled up next to me and devoured the plant. I then woke up,
horrified to see the plant gone and this wondersock, looking good as new,
quickly scurrying away. I wept, realising that I had accomplished nothing.
"When I returned to U.rec, however, I realised that this wasn't true, that
I had actually accomplished a great deal: I had had my people build a great
city in my honour! I set about to carve my story onto the walls of my
"Ancient graffiti?" Martin asked.
"Indeed," Google.mesh said with a smile, "but that was 4700 years ago. The
crops of Sci.maria eventually withered and died and the people moved on to
other lands in search of land to cultivate. The city of U.rec was buried in
the desert sand, until just a year ago when some German archeologists found
it. But the wind and the sand had eroded away the words that I had carved
into the walls. You only know my story today because the Arcade.ians who
took over the land of Sci.maria after my people left, translated my writing
into their language and preserved my story on clay tablets."
"That's right," TJ said, "and that story ended with the people of U.rec
mourning your death!"
"But that wasn't part of the original story I wrote!" Google.mesh insisted.
"How could I have written about my own death?"
"So what happened next?" Martin asked. "How did you come to be here and
how did you manage to live all these years?"
"I was coming to that!" Google.mesh said with a smile.
NEXT: Part II
This story is based on the Epic of Gilgamesh, presumably translated from
Sumarian into Akkadian by Shin-eqi-unninni thousands of years ago.
References to God and angels were added to fit with LNHY mythology but the
references to Hell and demons are from the original story. To read an
English translation of the Epic of Gilgamesh, go to . To read about the
archeological dig that uncovered the ancient city or Uruk, go to .
Martin, not to be confused with the character created by Saxon Brenton
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