[LNHY/ACRA] Google.mesh #2

Martin Phipps phippsmartin at hotmail.com
Sun Dec 5 20:28:01 PST 2004

		Google.mesh #2: The Epic of Google.mesh, Part I

	Google.mesh told his story to Martin and TJ in Martin's apartment.

	"More than 4700 years ago, I was the king of Sci.maria, the land which you 
now call I.rec.  More than 500 years had past since the Great Flood and I 
wanted to bring back the glory of days long past.  So I ordered my people to 
build the great city of U.rec.

	"Well, actually, the truth is I wanted the people to build a great city in 
my honour.  You see, I really wasn't a very kind king.  One of the things I 
did in those days, besides order people to build the city, was to have young 
virgins brought to me so that I could be the first to know of them."

	"You were a rapist?" Martin asked.

	"By today's standards, yes," Google.mesh admitted, "but, to be honest, I 
just saw it as asserting my authority.  Great rulers throughout history have 
behaved in a similar manner, including your President Clinton.

	"Anyway, God was very much angered by the way I behaved, so he sent down an 
angel named Enkiben to knock some sense into me.  Enkiben was no ordinary 
angel: God had made him strong enough and powerful enough to best me in 
combat, or so he had thought.

	"Enkiben came to U.rec and found me as I was about to have my way with one 
of my subjects.  He confronted me, infuriated by the way I had been abusing 
the women of my kingdom.  The two of us then had a fight scene together.

	"After a long and glorious battle, I finally managed to gain the upper 
hand.  Enkiben conceded that I was the stronger and more powerful one and I, 
in turn, conceded that Enkiben was right to be angry at me for the way I had 
treated my people.  The two of us became good friends.

	"I started feeling guilty about having forced my people to build the great 
city of U.rec while I, the strongest of all, did nothing.  You see, Enkiben 
had taught me that with great power comes great responsibility.  So I 
decided to travel to I.ram and cut down the great cedar forest.  Thing is, 
the great cedar forest was guarded by the demon Rom.baba the Terrible."

	"He was an environmentalist?" TJ asked.

	"He was an evil demon!" Google.mesh insisted.  "Anyway, Enkiben told me 
that no man, not even I, was strong enough to do battle with a demon, 
especially Rom.baba the Terrible.  My father, Dumuzeus, also cautioned me 
against this endeavour, but I insisted, so he asked Enkiben to go with me 
and Enkiben reluctantly agreed.

	"But once we had arrived at the great cedar forest, Enkiben told me we 
should turn back.  I lost my temper and the two of us had another fight 
scene.  So great was our battle that Rom.baba was alerted to our presence in 
the forest.  Now we had no choice but to face him together!

	"The two of us then teamed up against Rom.baba.  Enkiben called to God for 
help in defeating Rom.baba, which apparently helped because we soon had 
Rom.baba on his knees before us.  I drew my sword.

	"Rom.baba, having been defeated, begged us for mercy.  He said he would let 
us cut down the trees if we were to spare his life.  I hesitated, 
considering the demon's offer, but then Enkiben reminded me that Rom.baba 
was a demon, not to be trusted, so I cut off the demon's head before he 
could betray us.

	"Before Rom.baba died he called out a curse: Enkiben would become mortal 
and I would live to see my friend die.  We then cut down the trees in the 
forest and carried them to the Euphra.tech river so that we could build a 
raft to take us back to U.rec.

	"We returned to U.rec as heroes.  Word of my exploits reached my cousin 
I.sig of E-gypt who then came to U.rec and offered herself up to me as my 
wife.  I pointed out to her that, while still beautiful, she was much older 
than me and was no virgin.

	"Angered by my insult, I.sig threatened to raise the dead and have them 
devour the people of my kingdom."

	"She threatened to send zombies against you?" TJ asked, incredulously.

	"You could say that," Google.mesh said.  "She was one mean, nasty bitch.  
Anyway, instead she used her magic to conjure up a bull so powerful that it 
would kill anyone who got in its way.  Enkiben and I teamed up again and 
killed the bull.

	"I.sig screamed with rage.  In response, Enkiben ripped off one of the 
thighs of the bull and hurled it into her face.  Infuriated by Enkiben's 
insolence, I.sig then said that Enkiben, who was once immortal, would now 
grow sick and die.

	"Over the next couple of weeks I watched as Enkiben grew more and more 
sick.  At first, Enkiben blamed me for all that had happened to him, but 
then he remembered how much of a friend I had been to him and he decided 
that this was all God's fault for not protecting him.

	"He probably shouldn't have said that.  God himself suddenly appeared 
before us and said that, for losing faith in him, he was going to punish 
Enkiben by sending him to Hell.

	"I asked God what would happen to me.  He reminded me that I was not 
immortal either, that I too would die some day and that when I did I would 
not be welcome at the gates of Heaven.

	"Well, to be honest with you, I was scared shitless: all I could think 
about was how I was going to die one day and go to Hell.  I was determined 
to discover the secret of eternal life.

	"Then I remembered the story of Utnoatrashatim.  According to legend, 
Utnoatrashatim had lived for thousands of years before the Great Flood.  
What if he was still alive?  Perhaps I could find him and he could tell me 
the secret of eternal life!

	"The descendants of Utnoatrashatim were living in E-gypt.  I.sig and her 
children, the Pharoahs, angry at them for continuing to worship the God who 
had killed their ancesters in the Great Flood, had turned them into slaves 
and was having them build her cities.  I had to go to E-gypt and speak with 
these people and find out what they knew.

	"To arrive in E-gypt I had to pass the mountains.  Tired and hungry, I went 
to a tavern and met a young woman named Sidu.rec.

	"I told Sidu.rec who I was and why I had come.  She told me that 
Utnoatrashatim was still alive but that he was not in E-gypt: he was living 
on what is now called the island of Cre.tech.  She told me about a boat 
which could take me to this far away island.

	"Finally I arrived on the island where Utnoatrashatim lived and tracked him 
down.  He was not what I expected: he was an old man, near death himself.  
Yes, he had lived for all these years but even he would die someday.  I was 
disappointed, realising that all mortal men had to one day die.

	"Nevertheless, I insisted on having him tell me how he had managed to live 
all these years.  He told me that he would tell me the secret of his 
longevity if I could just stay awake for a seven full days.

	"I thought it would be easy, but I was so tired after my long journey that 
instead of staying awake for seven days, I quickly fell asleep and didn't 
wake up for another seven days!  To prove that I had been asleep all this 
time, Utnoatrashatim had his wife bake a loaf of bread and place it at my 
feet.  When I woke up, I saw that the bread was moldy and stale and I 
realised that I had been asleep for a long time.

	"But even though I had failed the test, Utnoatrashatim and his wife took 
pity on me: they told me about a plant that grows only on the bottom of the 
sea.  If I eat that plant I would become young again.

	"I tied stones to my feet, sank to the bottom of the sea and picked the 
plant.  But I was worried.  What if, instead of granting me youth, the plant 
turned out to be poison?  I decided to return to Sci.maria with the plant 
and test it out on an old man there to see if it worked.

	"I took the boat back to E-gypt but, as I rested on the shore, an old 
wondersock crawled up next to me and devoured the plant.  I then woke up, 
horrified to see the plant gone and this wondersock, looking good as new, 
quickly scurrying away.  I wept, realising that I had accomplished nothing.

	"When I returned to U.rec, however, I realised that this wasn't true, that 
I had actually accomplished a great deal: I had had my people build a great 
city in my honour!  I set about to carve my story onto the walls of my 

	"Ancient graffiti?" Martin asked.

	"Indeed," Google.mesh said with a smile, "but that was 4700 years ago.  The 
crops of Sci.maria eventually withered and died and the people moved on to 
other lands in search of land to cultivate.  The city of U.rec was buried in 
the desert sand, until just a year ago when some German archeologists found 
it.  But the wind and the sand had eroded away the words that I had carved 
into the walls.  You only know my story today because the Arcade.ians who 
took over the land of Sci.maria after my people left, translated my writing 
into their language and preserved my story on clay tablets."

	"That's right," TJ said, "and that story ended with the people of U.rec 
mourning your death!"

	"But that wasn't part of the original story I wrote!" Google.mesh insisted. 
  "How could I have written about my own death?"

	"So what happened next?" Martin asked.  "How did you come to be here and 
how did you manage to live all these years?"

	"I was coming to that!" Google.mesh said with a smile.


This story is based on the Epic of Gilgamesh, presumably translated from 
Sumarian into Akkadian by Shin-eqi-unninni thousands of years ago.  
References to God and angels were added to fit with LNHY mythology but the 
references to Hell and demons are from the original story.  To read an 
English translation of the Epic of Gilgamesh, go to .  To read about the 
archeological dig that uncovered the ancient city or Uruk, go to .

Martin, not to be confused with the character created by Saxon Brenton

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