[LNHY/ACRA] Google.mesh #1
phippsmartin at hotmail.com
Wed Dec 1 22:38:34 PST 2004
(Warning: Acraphobe. Although no more so than Arthur or Saxon's stuff or
the original source material.)
One day in Heaven, God got bored and decided one species of humans wasn't
enough. So he created angels. He made them bigger and stronger than
ordinary humans so that they would live longer. Otherwise they were pretty
much the same as ordinary men.
"What's this?" one of the angels asked God, refering to his penis.
"That's your penis," God answered.
"What's it for?" the angel asked.
"Well, you can use it when you take a piss. You'll be able to aim so you
don't make as much of a mess."
"Great! Can I use it for anything else?"
"Well," God admitted, "ordinary men use it to have sex."
"Sex?" the angels wondered. "What's that."
Gold turned slightly red. The angles weren't sure if God was angry or
simply embarassed. "I've created you angels to all be male. You're not
going to have sex with each other. I forbid it."
"But it is okay for humans to have sex?" they asked.
"Humans I created male and female," God answered.
"What does that mean?" one of the angels asked. "Female?"
"Women. Half of the humans are women."
"How are the women different?" they asked.
"They are prettier than men," God told them. "And they don't have
penises. They have vaginas."
"And what are the vaginas for?" the angels asked.
"The human males insert their erect penises into the human female
"Mainly because the human female vaginas are warm, wet and quite
"Sounds like fun," the angels said.
Then God really did get angry. "Oh no no no. You're not going to have
sex with the human females either! I forbid it! For if you did, you would
create a mongrel race that was neither human nor angel and that would go
against the natural order that I have created!"
"Um, no problem!" they all said.
But when God wasn't looking, several of the angels snuck down to
Looniearth Y to check out these human females and their vaginas and found
them to be everything that God had said them to be and more! The resulting
children were the Nephalim. They were much bigger and stronger than
ordinary humans but they were mortal.
When God realised that he had been disobeyed, he was very, very angry.
"Alright, who here is responsible for this?" he asked.
There was no answer.
"Very well then. You angels will remain here in heaven," God decided.
"From now on, you won't go down to Looniearth except for special missions
sanctioned by me!"
"Screw you!" one of the angels said.
"Excuse me?" God asked.
"You heard me!"
God was furious. "Alright then," he said. "From now on, you will be
known as Satan, the Adversary, the Extremely Evil Dude. You will be
banished from both Heaven and Looniearth and you will spend eternity as the
ruler of Hell!"
"Fine by me!" Satan said and he was banished from Heaven forever.
But God wasn't satisfied. "It isn't enough that I have punished one of
you! I need to undo the damage that you have done! I need to destroy these
mongel children of angels and human women!"
Meanwhile, on Looniearth, a great civilization had arisen. This was the
greatest civilization on Looniearth at the time actually, it was pretty much
the only civilization on Looniearth at the time, with the exception of
E-gypt and Ind.IO. This was the civilization that was responsible for such
advances as writing, irrigation, basic geometrical concepts, clocks and
calendars, astronomy and astrology, irrigation, organized agriculture, ship
building and the construction of large buildings.
This civilization was known as Sci.maria and it was ruled by the Nephalim.
Their larger brains and longer lifespans had made such advances in science
and mathematics possible. But God didn't care about any of that: to him,
they were an abomination that shouldn't have existed in the first place!
One day, the people of Sci.maria heard a loud boom. They then noticed the
sky getting darker.
"God is angry with us!" said Utnoatrashatim, a farmer in the kingdom of
"Don't be silly!" his neighbour, Teejay, told him. "We're just going to
get a bit of rain."
"You're right!" Utnoatrashatim said. "God will send a flood to kill us
all! I had better build a boat and gather up all of my relatives and
"Now you're just being ridiculous!" Teejay scoffed.
But Utnoatrashatim didn't listen to Teejay. Instead, he hired some local
engineers and ship builders to design and build a boat that would be big
enough to contain his entire family and all of his animals.
"I'm sorry," the project manager said, "but the boat won't be big enough
to house you, your family and all your in-laws."
"Oh, that's too bad," Utnoatrashatim said. "That means that my
mother-in-law will drown when the floods come. Oh well."
"You won't be able to keep all your animals either," the project manager
"I recommend you choosing two of each of your animals, one male and one
female of each," he said, "so that if you lose your herds then at least
you'll be able to start over."
"I wouldn't worry," Teejay said. "After a few days of rain, it will all
Then it started to rain. It rained for six days and nights. Then it
seemed to stop.
But then it started raining again and it rained for another thirty-four
days and thirty-four nights. The water level started to rise. People fled
to the hills, but the water level continued to rise until it covered the
hills. Hundreds, sometimes thousands, of people drowned every day.
Teejay saw Utnoatrashatim's boat floating away. "Hey, Noah!" he called
out as he swam for his life. But Utnoatrashatim ignored him. Finally, he
managed to swim up and climb up into the boat.
"I ought to throw you back into the water, unbeliever!" Utnoatrashatim
"Hold on!" Teejay said. "If I am still alive then maybe it is because God
didn't want me to drown in the flood. Maybe by throwing me back in the
water, you would be defying God's will."
Utnoatrashatim thought for a moment. "But with our farmland destroyed,
how will we all survive?" he asked.
"I don't think God meant for us all to die!" Teejay assured him.
Soon the boat settled on the foothills of mount Ara.rec. With the rain
having stopped, the waters were already beginning to recede.
"See?" Teejay said. "I told you! You should listen to me, Noah!"
Utnoatrashatim looked at Teejay angrily. "My name is Utnoatrashatim. I
don't like to be called 'Noah'."
"Oh, please lighten up!" Teejay said. "Nobody is going to remember a name
like that! If you expect your story to be passed on by oral tradition to
future generations then you're going to have to shorten it." He smiled at
one of Utnoatrashatim's daughters. "What do you say?" She young lady
"Hey," Utnoatrashatim said, "that's my daughter!"
"I know!" Teejay said, putting his arm around the young lady. "And God
has just destroyed humanity, remember? We're going to have to repopulate
Looniearth!" He grinned from ear to ear.
Meanwhile, back in Sci.maria, the waters had finally receded. Jupishur,
one of the Nephalim went searching for others like himself who had survived
the devastation, but all he could find were humans.
"Are you guys alright?" he asked.
The humans shook their heads. "Hardly! Our homes have been destroyed!
Our crops have been swept away! And many, many people have died!"
"Right," Jupishur said. "Silly question. But, hey, you're still alive!
And we can rebuild!" He quickly took one more look around. "And it looks
like I get to be king!"
5250 years later, in an apartment in Net.ropolis in the Loonited States of
"_You_ are Google.mesh?!" TJ asked.
"Aye!" Google.mesh said. "I am Google.mesh, descendant of Jupishur, the
only Nephalim to survive the Great Flood, and the ancestor of your friend,
"Call me Martin," Martin said.
"But Google.mesh died over 4700 years ago!" TJ said. "As described in the
Epic of Google.mesh!"
"That's not what happened," Google.mesh said.
"Tell us your story," Martin said.
"Very well," Google.mesh said with a smile. "I'll start from the
NEXT: THE EPIC OF GOOGLE.MESH!
The more I think about it, the more obvious it seems to me that the
relatively advanced civilization of Sumaria was the inspiration for the
legends of Olympus and Asgard. (One might be tempted to say Atlantis too
but Plato was probably refering to the Minoan Civilization on Crete which
could also have been devasted by a volcano and flood. These things happen.)
Even the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe, Deluxe Edition, came
out and refered to Gilgamesh as the "forgotten hero" whose many exploits
were later attributed to Hercules! Which reminds me, it is really creepy,
in retrospect, that they had an actual historical, almost Biblical, figure
join the Avengers. That is like having Moses or Jesus join the Avengers.
I'm not saying I'm offended, mind you, just that it's a bit creepy.
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