[LNH] Deja Dude / Master Blaster Special #3

[Martin Phipps]

                                      Deja Dude / Master Blaster Special #3
                                Deja Dude and Master Blaster Go Hollywood #3

  "Welcome Back!  Master Blaster and I have just seen Dawn of the Dead.  
Rob, what do you think?"
  "Hmm.  I don't know.  I think I'll let my guest reviewer handle this one."
  "Guest reviewer?"
  "That's right!  Ladies and Gentlemen!  Our guest reviewer: High Concept!"
  "Oh no."
  "Ah yes!  Dawn of the Dead!  I saw this one on video recently."
  "Aren't you the guy who tried to kill Trux and Spite Grrrl back in Trux 
and Spite Grrrl Go Hollywood! #2 because they didn't like Freddy Got 
Fingered."
  "That's right."
  "Rob, I don't think he is a good choice for a guest reviewer."
  "What are you implying?  Hmmph.  Anyway, Dawn of the Dead!  Good movie!  
But not a great movie.  For one thing, I was wondering what happened to 
Milla Jovovich's character from the original.  It seemed as though she 
survived at the end and I assumed she would be coming back for the sequel."
  "What are you talking about?  Milla Jovovich was in Resident Evil.  Dawn 
of the Dead isn't a sequel to Resident Evil."
  "Of course it is.  Otherwise, where did the zombies come from?"
  "I don't know.  I guess you'd have to see the original Night of the Living 
Dead from 1968 or the remake from 1990 to answer that question.  Dawn of the 
Dead is a remake of the 1978 movie of the same name, which was a sequel to 
1968's Night of the Living Dead."
  "You can't fool me!  Night of the Living Dead was part of the Living Dead 
trilogy starring Bruce Campbell!"
  "(Sigh)  Rob, get this loser out of here!"
  "Sure thing!"
  "You won't get away with this!  Nobody insults High Concept!"
  "Oh shut up!"
  "So, Rob, what did _you_ think about Dawn of the Dead?"
  "I thought it was cool.  The make up special effects were really good.  
What did you think?"
  "I think it started out well enough.  The idea that you can get attacked 
by a zombie in your own home is chilling.  And having it be a little girl 
meant that your first reaction is sympathy.  It reminds you that these are 
real people who are turning into zombies and not just already dead people 
who are rising out of their graves.  And they established very early on that 
if you get bitten by a zombie then you'll turn into one."
  "But?"
  "I hate to admit it but High Concept had a point.  We never did find out 
where the zombies came from.  I never saw Night of the Living Dead but my 
understanding was that the zombies rose up from graves, that something 
brought them back to life, something supernatural.  In Dawn of the Dead, it 
seems to be a virus that brings people back.  I assume it was a virus 
because people got sick then they died and then they came back.  It wasn't 
dead people coming back to life but living people dying, then getting up 
again and biting other living people etc. etc. etc."
  "So you think it was some kind of germ warfare?"
  "I think the average movie goer is more sophisticated now.  We aren't 
scared of witches or ghosts as much as germs and aliens.  Horror is more and 
more becoming a sub-genre of science fiction.  We're scared of what we 
believe might actually happen and we don't seriously believe that an evil 
spirit is going to possess any of us any time soon, but we might be worried 
about family members catching a contagious disease and the whole family 
being infected as a result."
  "Speaking of aliens, did you see Alien vs. Predator?"
  "Actually, the movie I saw was Alien vs. Dorf."
  "Alien vs. Dorf?"
  "Yes.  You see, in New York you'll see Alien vs. Predator but in Net.York 
it is Alien vs. Dorf that is playing.  Here's a clip!"

  "It's all here!  The whole story!"
  "What does it say?"
  "It's just as I had theorized!  It says that milennia ago Dorfs came to 
Looniearth and used it as a hunting ground!  They would lure unsuspecting 
humans into this pyramid where there were aliens who would attack and kill 
them."
  "You know, that might explain all the screaming we've been hearing."
  "And then the Dorfs would enter the pyramid in force and kill everyone 
inside, alien and human alike."
  "I think we should try getting out of here."

  "She sounds just like my wife."
  "Yeah."
  "So what did you think of it?"
  "I thought it was pretty good.  It started out really well, got a little 
bit silly and then ended really well.  I'm surprised so many people have 
been down on it, here in the Looniverse I mean."
  "It's been getting bad reviews?"
  "Hairy Gnome of whatafoolnews said it was going to be bad simply because 
Paul Alt.erson was the director."
  "Paul Alt.erson?"
  "Yeah, he was the director of the movie versions of Mortal Posting and 
President Evil as well as the movie Net Horizon.  I have a clip from the 
latter too."

  "I have found a way to take this ship to the other side."
  "The other side?  You mean...?"
  "Yes, to alt.hell!"

  "Didn't he also do the movie Net.Cop?  You know, the movie where a guy is 
taken down by kiddie porn posters but then he manages to come back and take 
them out one by one?"
  "No, that was Paul Verhoe.net, who also did BASIC Instinct, the story 
about a woman who wrote simple computer programs with IF and THEN statements 
that eeriely resembled life and death choices that people ended up having to 
make in real life."
  "Oh, okay."
  "Anyway, Hairy Gnome actually came out and said that the movie was Paul 
Alt.erson's best work ever but that he still wished it had had a different 
director."
  "Huh?"
  "I guess he figured it could have been a lot better.  It could have been a 
lot worse too.  His basic problem with the finished product was that it 
didn't have enough gore, but that was because the studio wanted it to be 
released as a PG-13 movie."
  "So they cut out most of the violence?"
  "Along with all the Dorfian dialogue, so all the Dorfs ever do in the 
movie is grunt at each other."
  "Sounds as though it turned out exactly like Alien vs. Predator."
  "So you've seen Alien vs. Predator.  How was it?"
  "Sanaa Lathan was very pretty.  And the CGI was very good.  I did feel 
annoyed by the lack of gore though."
  "Me, I don't have a problem with the lack of gore.  That way, the 
theatrical version can get shown on TV without any further editting and 
those who want gore can go rent the Director's Cut DVD."
  "Yeah but when you are paying to see a movie in the theatre, you want to 
see the gore!"
  "Maybe.  But unless you are a serial killer or a mercenary you probably 
wouldn't get any pleasure out of seeing anyone killed in real life.  So why 
would you want to see that in a movie?"
  "Precisely because we don't get to see that stuff in real life!"
  "But is there something missing in your life if you don't get to see 
people getting killed?  Me, if I come to care for a character in a movie 
then the last thing I want to see is her getting killed."
  "(Sigh)  You're still upset about Lucy Liu getting killed in Kill Bill, 
aren't you?"
  "Don't remind me.  Anyway, I can see how gory violence in Dawn of the Dead 
is reasonable because the zombies are already dead and, besides, shooting 
them in the head is the only way to stop them.  You don't need gore in a 
movie about aliens though because there might be a lot of people who might 
want to go see a good science fiction movie.  And somebody interested in 
good science fiction wouldn't be interested in any of the Nightmare on Elm 
Street, Halloween, Friday the 13th, Hellraiser or Chucky movies.  A movie 
that appeals to more than one audience has to try to actually cater to both 
audiences."
  "You could just wait for it to come out on TV."
  "Why should I?  If I want to see a movie but I don't want to see people 
getting chopped up why should I have to wait for it to come out on TV?"
  "If I want to see a movie as the director intended it to be shown then why 
should I wait for the Director's Cut DVD?"
  "The Director's Cut DVD is a rip off.  Nowadays they cut things out of a 
movie just so they can add them back in later in the director's cut and then 
claim that they are giving you something extra!"
  "I think we'll have to agree to disagree."
  "Fair enough.  Until next time, I'm Deja Dude."
  "And I'm Master Blaster!"
  "And I still say that you don't need a lot of gore to make a good movie!"
  "Hey!  No fair!"

                                                              THE END

Michael Friedman

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