LNHY/ACRA: The Daily Super Short-Short Story #10: A Special Giant-Sized Edition!
arspitzer at aol.com
Sat Aug 28 17:35:25 PDT 2004
<<Warning: You might be endangering your soul to eternal damnation in
hellfire if you read this series. Just thought you should know that.>>
The Daily Super Short-Short Story #10
A SPECIAL GIANT-SIZED EDITION!!!
Guest Starring: The Before God Guys!!!
A Secret Cosmic Crisis Banjo Wars Crossover Tie-In!!!
LAST TIME: God created a vending machine. A vending machine called The
Vending Machine of No-Free-Lunches. Unlike all the other vending
machines in the Garden of Party Time this one charged money. And now...
'I plink there for I am'
Gotta-Luv-Me Lad slowly opened his eyes. He saw a breathtaking blood
red sunrise emerge from the horizon. Dawn. Gotta-Luv-Me Lad yawned.
And then he looked at his beautiful wife, Knows-How-to-Please-Her-Man
Girl. She was still sleeping. He gave her a gentle kiss. And then he
stood up and stretched his arms. And then he looked up into the sky.
"Morning God! What's up?"
"Plink, plink, twang, twing, plink, plink!" plunked God.
"What the -- I'm sorry could you repeat that?"
"Plink, plink, twang, twing, plink, plink!" plunked God.
"Wake up, Love Muffin! There's something wrong with God!" Gotta-Luv-Me
Lad said grabbing a hold of his wife's arm.
"What the --?" she said rubbing her eyes. "What's wrong, Honey Bunny?"
"It's God! He sounds like a -- Banjo!!"
"That's because he thinks he is a Banjo!" said a voice more ancient than
the oldest universe. Gotta-Luv-Me Lad looked to see who it was. It was
the Champion of Chomping, the one and only Dentures Dan!
"Dentures Dan!" And then Gotta-Luv-Me Lad noticed that the rest of the
Before God Guys were also standing in the Garden of Party Time. Doctor
I. Forget, The Geezer Gorilla, The Perpetual Virgin, and The Wrinkly Old
Bag. The Cheapest Skate was there too loading up a few bags with snacks
from the free vending machines. Although he avoided The Vending Machine
of No-Free-Lunches like the plague. "What's wrong with God?"
"God is suffering from Hee-Haw Disease," said Dr. I. Forget the resident
genius of the Before God Guys. "During the early stages of the disease,
it causes the person to think that they're a banjo. But eventually they
will start to slowly turn into a banjo. And if left untreated they will
become -- a banjo! And what was I talking about?"
"Is it contagious?" asked Gotta-Luv-Me Lad.
"You should be fine, as long as you don't have sex with God," said The
"How do we treat this?" asked KHTPHM Girl.
"With this!" said The Wrinkly Old Bag pulling a strange looking object
from her wrinkled old bag. "The Anti-Banjo!"
Suddenly God's eyes started to blaze like Armageddon. The Cheapest
Skate quickly using his super-fast skate to push The Wrinkly Old Bag out
of the way before God's God Vision could obliterate her.
"Plink, Twang, Twing," plunked God.
The Perpetual Virgin quickly flew up into the sky to face God and whale
the hell out of him.
"Quick! We've got to hurry!" said Dentures Dan. "The Perpetual Virgin
is the most powerful one among us, but even he can't take on God
forever! You've got to begin the banjo duel, Geezer Gorilla!"
The Geezer Gorilla nodded and quickly grabbed The Anti-Banjo. And then
he looked at God and started to strum The Anti-Banjo.
"Gnuwt, Gniwt, Gniwt, Knilp, Knilp," strummed the Geezer Gorilla.
God realized what was happening and swatted the Perpetual Virgin away
from him like a fly.
"Plink, Plink, Twing, Twing, Twung," plunked God.
"Gniwt, Gnawt, Murts, Murts, Knilp, Gnuwt, Gniwt, Gniwt, Knilp, Knilp,"
strummed the Geezer Gorilla.
"Plink, Plink, Twing, Twing, Twung, Plink, Strum, Strum, Twang, Twing,"
counter plunked God.
The Banjo Duel kept going, but the Geezer Gorilla was starting look a
little worn out. God could keep plunking forever. The same couldn't be
said for the Arthritic Ape.
"....Murts, Murts, Knilp, Gnuwt, Gniwt, Knilp, Knilp, Murts, Murts,
Knilp, Gnuwt, Gniwt," strummed the Geezer Gorilla who was now in deep
The Wrinkly Old Bag focused her wrinkled old bag on the soundwaves that
came from God's voice causing them to warp.
"Twing, Twung, Plink, Strumumummum, Wuhuwhuwhuwh, Wuhuhul..." plunked
The Hee-Haw Disease within God realized that it had just lost the Banjo
Duel. There was only one honorable thing for it to do. So the Hee-Haw
Disease committed suicide.
"What? What happened to me?" God said as regained control of himself.
And then he noticed the Before God Guys. "You! You did this to me!"
said God with a very angry look on his face.
"Hold it, God!" said The Perpetual Virgin hoping to use his body as
barrier between God and the Before God Guys. "We had nothing to do with
this and in fact saved you from becoming a banjo! You can read my mind
if you don't believe me."
God gazed into The Perpetual Virgin's mind. "So it's begun. The Secret
Cosmic Crisis Banjo Wars have begun! In the far future a couple of
Banjo Dueling Kangaroos have gained incredible cosmic powers and now are
attempting to engage in a banjo duel that might very well wipe out the
entire Omnilooniverse! And I suppose you want me to go to the future
with you so I can help you stop this?"
"Well, yes," said Dentures Dan. "I mean we did save you from being
turned into banjo. I know you don't like us. And we can't stand you.
But this is more important than whatever petty bickering that stands
"Fine. I'll join you, but only under one condition."
"Yeah?" asked the Cheapest Skate. "What's that?"
"I get to be in charge!"
"In charge? Why?" said Dr. I. Forget.
"Because I'm God! I'm always in charge!"
"And if we say no?" asked The Wrinkly Old Bag.
"Then the Omnilooniverse can bite the old dirt farm for all I care! You
want God, then you got to bow down to God!"
"Fine! Fine! If that's what you want! We bow down to you, oh Great
God! Satisfied?" said The Perpetual Virgin.
"That will do for a start. I guess I better get dressed." God snapped
his fingers. In a blink of an eye God's naked body was wrapped in his
God Armor, his Gauntlets of Godliness, his Helmet of High 'n Mightiness,
and his Boots of Supreme Ass Kicking. In one hand God held his
Omnipotent Gun, and in the other he held his Battle Axe of Almightiness.
"I'm locked and loaded!"
And then God looked down at Gotta-Luv-Me Lad and KHTPHM Girl. "You two.
I might be gone for a long, long time. In fact there's always the
possibility that I might never come back."
"Okay. Cool. We're fine with that!" they both said as they waved
"Aw, just messing with you. I'm God. There's nothing that can defeat
me! I'll be back!" And then God turned his head towards the Before God
Guys. "Okay guys. Let's go kick some fucking ass!!!!"
With that God and the Before God Guys disappeared from the Garden of
TOMORROW: The Most Subtil of All the Sentient Talking Clothing!
Author's Notes: Isn't tying issues to Crossovers that will never be
written fun? Ah, Ten Issues. It feels like only ten days ago I was
posting issue one. This is the first time I've ever written a series
that actually managed to get to double digits (Not counting chaotic add-
And Now The Origin of God!!
The Before God Guys were right in the middle of a poker game when the
door bell rang. The Geezer Gorilla went to the door to answer it. When
he opened the door he noticed that no one was there. Except for a
basket full of blankets! As he thumbed through the basket he noticed a
"Hey! Someone gave us a baby!"
"Really? That's strange! Is there a note?" asked The Perpetual Virgin.
"No! Just a baby and blankets!"
The Before God Guy's looked at the baby.
"Kind of cute. Except for the two noses. What should we call him?"
asked The Cheapest Skate.
"How about God?" said Dentures Dan.
"Sounds good to me." said Dr. I. Forget.
The Before God Guys went back to their poker game.
Then all of a sudden The Wrinkly Old Bag wrinkled her nose. "What's
The Before God Guys looked at God.
"The one who loses this hand has to change God." said the Geezer
The Before God Guys nodded their heads in agreement.
Author's Notes: I have to admit, I stole this idea from the first Baby
Arthur "I wonder what God thinks of this" Spitzer
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