LNHY/ACRA: The Daily Super Short-Short Story #9

Arspitzer arspitzer at aol.com
Fri Aug 27 17:00:28 PDT 2004

<<Warning:  You might be endangering your soul to eternal damnation in 
hellfire if you read this series.  Just thought you should know that.>>

                  The Daily Super Short-Short Story #9

LAST TIME: Gotta-Luv-Me Lad and Knows-How-to-Please-Her-Man Girl met Ted 
the Time-Traveling Atheist.  Ted told them about events that would 
happen in upcoming issues.  Ted also learned that God exists and is an 
asshole.  And now....

               'The Vending Machine of No-Free-Lunches'

God looked down at his creations, Gotta-Luv-Me Lad and Knows-How-to-
Please-Her-Man Girl.  The two of them were running in a field of tulips 
and butterflies.  Both of them were smiling and laughing.  They were 
happy.  Too happy.  God would have to change that.

So God used his God powers to create something.  To create a vending 

Gotta-Luv-Me Lad and KHTPHM Girl stopped their skipping spree for a 
moment to look at it.  It was the biggest vending machine they had ever 
seen.  It had all kinds of flashing colorful lights on it.  And some 
kind of happy joyful music came from it.  Both of them quickly made 
there way to the machine.

Once they got close to it they could see that it contained many strange 
and wonderful treats that they had never known existed.  There were 
Treatie Treats, Freakie Deakies, Smackie Wackies, BigGum Wad Chewing 
Gum, Heroin Pops, and many other incredibly amazing snacks within. 
Gotta-Luv-Me Lad started pushing buttons trying to get some BigGum Wad 
Chewing Gum, but nothing seemed to happen.  Nothing fell out.

"Hey, God," said Gotta-Luv-Me Lad, "I think this vending machine is 

"It's not broken.  You see, unlike all the rest of the vending machines 
which contain free snacks this one charges money."

"Money!  What's that?" asked Knows-How-to-Please-Her-Man Girl.

"It's something that exists outside of the Garden of Party Time, but you 
won't find it here."

"So why did you create a vending machine that can't be used!?" asked a 
troubled Gotta-Luv-Me Lad.

"Because I work in mysterious ways, Gotta-Luv-Me Lad.  I wouldn't worry 
to much about this though because if you were ever eat from The Vending 
Machine of No-Free-Lunches that would be the day that you would surely 
die.  Well, I guess that's all I have to say.  Have fun, kids!"

And God looked down again at his creations.  They weren't smiling or 
laughing.  They weren't jumping and skipping in a field of tulips and 
butterflies.  They were just staring at The Vending Machine of No-Free-
Lunches.  Occasionally they tried pushing some buttons.  But nothing 
came out.  There was an anger in their eyes.

God chuckled to himself.  Sometimes it was good to be God.

TOMORROW:  A Special Giant-Sized Super Tenth Issue!  God vs the Before 
God Guys!!  Plus the Origin of God!!!  You won't want to miss this!!!!

Author's Notes:  Hey.  If I can't be happy, then neither can my 

Arthur "Kill Joy" Spitzer

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