LNHY/ACRA: The Daily Super Short-Short Story #8
arspitzer at aol.com
Thu Aug 26 18:42:43 PDT 2004
<<Warning: You might be endangering your soul to eternal damnation in
hellfire if you read this series. Just thought you should know that.>>
The Daily Super Short-Short Story #8
LAST TIME: Gotta-Luv-Me Lad met his new more submissive girlfriend
Knows-How-to-Please-Her-Man Girl, but before he could get to "know" her
better a mysterious figure arrived from nowhere. And now...
'Ted the Time-Traveling Atheist'
"I did it! I'm in the past! Say wait a sec. This doesn't look like 12
billion years ago. I must have made a mistake. Where the hell am I?"
said the ghostly mysterious figure. And then he noticed the naked man
(Gotta-Luv-Me Lad) and naked woman (Knows-How-to-Please-Her-Man Girl)
that were standing right in front of him. Was this some kind of nudist
"Hey there, you two. The name's Ted the Time-Traveling Atheist. If you
would be so kind could you tell me where I am? I seem to be lost!"
"Where you are?" Gotta-Luv-Me Lad answered. "You're in the Garden of
The Garden of Party Time? No! It couldn't be! He looked at his Time-
o-meter. It said 10,000 BC. He looked at the banjos and the vending
machines that were in this lush green paradise. Impossible! There must
be some mistake!
"Please tell me your names!" Ted said.
"Me? I'm Gotta-Luv-Me Lad and this is Knows-How-to-Please-Her-Man
"No! No!! This can't be!!" Wait. Maybe this was all a dream. Yeah!
Just dream. He'd just pinch himself and it would... Ouch! Dammit!
This couldn't be real. It was just to stupid to be real!
"How old are you?" Ted would catch these pranksters in a lie. They'd
probably say 18 or 20 or something.
"Umm a couple of weeks old I'd say. KHTPHM Girl is only about an hour
or so old I guess."
"But this can't be! What about carbon dating? And the speed of light!
And all those fossils that show evolution in action!!!"
"The fossils? I believe that was God's idea of a joke. He said to me
that thousands of years in the future all those fossils will be really
funny. He said something about sending as many clear rational thinkers
to Hell as he can. God finds that sort of thing funny. I don't quite
get it myself."
"So all that stupid stuff about the Wondersock, The Daily Super Short-
Short Story Contest, Arkhead, and pi=3 -- that's all true??"
"I'm not sure what you're talking about," said a confused Gotta-Luv-Me
"Hmmm. Oh yeah. That stuff wouldn't have happened yet. Forget I
mentioned it. God. It's all true. God exists. Everything I didn't
believe in is now true. What's he like? What's God like? I've got to
Gotta-Luv-Me Lad paused for moment giving this some thought. What was
Finally Gotta-Luv-Me Lad replied. "He's an asshole."
Ted the Time-Traveling Atheist's depressed face brightened up a bit
after hearing that. "At least I can take comfort in that. Well, I need
to return to the future. It's been nice talking to you. Goodbye and
Good luck. You'll need it."
Gotta-Luv-Me Lad and KHTPHM Girl waved to Ted has he disappeared from
the Garden of Party Time. There was a troubled expression on their
faces though. What did pi=3 mean?
TOMORROW: God creates a new and improved vending machine!
Author's Notes: I guess Ted's going to have to change his name. Boy
these stories are starting to become really long. At the beginning I
was trying to keep these at under 300 words and now they're almost 500!
Arthur "Cold Comfort" Spitzer
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