[LNH] Deja Dude and Master Blaster Special #2

Martin Phipps phippsmartin at hotmail.com
Sun Aug 22 10:49:36 PDT 2004

  "Welcome back, everybody!  Master Blaster and I have just seen Stuck on 
You with Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear playing twin brothers joined at the 
waist.  Rob, what did you think?"
  "I thought this was a good movie!  I expected something really stupid, 
sort of like when Devito and Schwartzenager played twins, but this actually 
worked for me."
  "What?  No comment about Eva Mendez's butt?"
  "Well, of course, she was great!  And Cher was hot too.  But Wen Yann Shih 
was too skinny."
  "No!  She was perfect!  She was _exactly_ my type!"
  "I know."
  "You know, watching this movie, I couldn't help but remember back when I 
was single and remember what it was like wanting a woman like that and then 
thinking how lucky I am now to have my wife!"
  "But if she was so hot then why was she looking for a guy through the 
  "I guess because the guys she had met in real life all turned out to be 
jerks!  Remember the guy at the bar?"
  "Yeah.  Which reminds me: there were some really funny gags in this 
  "Yeah, I know, but if we're going to recommend the movie then we shouldn't 
spoil for anyone!"
  "Fair enough.  So what else have you seen lately?"
  "I rented Charlie's Angels, Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle and Kill Bill, 
Volume One!"
  "Aha!  A Lucy Liu filmfest!"
  "Indeed!  In fact, if you'll forgive my indulgence, I think I will call 
this issue...

                                       Deja Dude and Master Blaster Special 
                    Deja Dude and Master Blaster Go Hollywood Part II: Stuck 
on Liu!"

  "Ew!  I feel like I'm working with Ban Pun Boy!"
  "Actually, it's worse than you think, seeing as how her name is actually 
pronounced 'Low' and not 'Lew'."
  "Heh?  But that's how everybody pronounces it!"
  "Yeah, well, the problem is that a lot of Chinese names get mispronounced 
because Chinese immigrants to the U.S. weren't always sure how to spell 
their names so that they'd get pronounced correctly by Americans; you know, 
seeing as how they were used to writing their names in Chinese instead of 
English.  So Wang should be pronounced 'Wong' and Chen should be pronounced 
'Chun'.  It's even worse with Korean names: Choi is pronounced 'Chay', Park 
is pronounced 'Bach' and Kim is actually pronounced 'Gim'."
  "Pero usted no entiende español."
  "Nevermind.  Just don't show off, okay?"
  "Right.  Anyway, I really enjoyed the first three hours of Charlie's 
Angels and Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle but I think they made a mistake 
bringing in Demi Moore as the main villain.  I think it would have been 
better if they had brought back Kelly Lynch from the first movie!"
  "Of course!  That would have been so much better!  I mean, as it was, 
there was no reason to have the creepy thin man in Charlie's Angel's: Full 
Throttle as it was.  Presumably they both survived the fiery explosion of 
the castle in the first movie, so why not bring them both back?"
  "Obviously they were going for big name stars in the sequel.  Notice we 
also had Bernie Mac, Robert Patrick, John Cleese, Carrie Fisher and Bruce 
Willis in this movie.  That was in addition to Matt LeBlanc who was 
returning from the first movie.  Problem is, you sit there going 'Oh look 
who it is!  It's so-in-so!' and you never believe anyone in the roles they 
were fired to play in the first place."
  "Hmm.  Good point.  I guess that's why it's usually better to go for 
unknowns when you're making a movie."
  "Or character actors who you won't recognize.  The point is that I was 
watching the second half of the movie thinking Demi Moore was playing a 
woman trying to kill the Angels when I should have been thinking that this 
was some mean 'be-atch' out for revenge and that the Angels were actually in 
a lot of trouble."
  "Yeah, that would have been much better.  I wonder if they hadn't 
considered this approach in an early version of the script and then decided 
to go with Demi Moore because she had star power."
  "Oh, could be.  I can see it now.  'Why does Demi Moore want to kill 
them?'  'She just does.  Besides she looks better in a swimsuit!'"
  "Well, that's true too.  How about Kill Bill?"
  "Ugh.  I was a bit upset when Vivica Fox's character died and I was 
horrified when Chiaki Kuriyama's character died.  I was actually rooting for 
Lucy Liu in the end but, of course, The Bride had to survive for Volume II.  
Besides, Vivica Fox's character was actually the SECOND person on The 
Bride's list so Lucy Liu's character was already dead at this point.  
Quentin Tarintino was actually telling the story out of order, much like he 
did for Pulp Fiction."
  "But how was the action?"
  "Hmm.  I don't think this movie was for me, really.  I mean, I will never 
be able to watch Japanese school girl porn again without thinking about how 
Chiaki Kuriyama's character died in this movie.  Thank you very much, 
Quentin Tarintino!"
  "Maybe that's just as well."
  "No, seriously, I'm not angry with Quentin Tarintino.  I mean, I didn't 
HAVE to watch this movie.  And the movie did set things up for the Volume 
II.  I will be good to see The Bride kill Bill in Volume II because, if not 
for him, the characters played by Chiaki Kuriyama and Lucy Liu would still 
be alive.  (Sniff.  Sniff.  Wimper.)"
  "Hey, come on!  It was only a movie!"
  "I'm kidding!  Can't you see I'm kidding?"
  "So did you see Catwoman?"
  "How was it?"
  "Terrible!  Well, maybe not so bad.  I just was expecting it to be 
  "How could you possibly have been expecting it to be good?  Everybody said 
it was a bad movie!"
  "Yeah, but Halle Berry looked so good in her Catwoman costume in the ads!"
  "But she didn't look good in the movie?"
  "She did, but a lot of the time it wasn't her you saw but CGI.  There 
really shouldn't have been any CGI in this movie at all!  It wasn't 
necessary!  Just like in Charlie's Angel's: Full Throttle, you were sitting 
there saying 'Oh, look who it is!', in this movie I found myself saying 'Oh, 
look, more CGI!'.  Even some of the cats were done in CGI!  And it wasn't 
even good CGI!  In the movie Cats and Dogs, the Cats and Dogs were usually 
created by CGI and, of course, you don't even realize this until you stop to 
think 'Hey, wait, dogs and cats can't do karate!'  But in Catwoman, the CGI 
always looked fake.  It was really bad."
  "How about the script?"
  "It could have been much, much better!  It definitely needed another 
rewrite!  I mean, with Batman Begins coming out next year, they could have 
just forgotten all about Batman Returns and had Halle Berry be the new 
Selina Kyle and then have her appear as a villain in a sequel to Batman 
Begins but, instead, they tied her down to a franchise that had already 
failed and which they had already decided to restart.  Big mistake."
  "Yeah, that's true."
  "And the directing was terrible!  Too many closeups!  Too many quick cuts! 
  At least Burton and Schumacher knew how to set a scene and create mood.  
Half of Catwoman consisted of talking heads with little or no set 
decoration!  I'm sure that, given the same premise, any amateur filmmaker 
with a hand held camera could have made a better movie than Pitof!"
  "Hey!  Why don't we do that?  I can go get my hand held camera, your wife 
can dress up in a cat suit and wReanna can play Sharon Stone's character!"
  "Great idea!  You'll see!  It'll be much better than Pitof's!"


  "I'll get you for what you did to my friend!  Your skin care cream was way 
too greasy!  She'll never be able to get rid of all that acne!"
  "Oh boo hoo hoo!  That only happens to one in ten customers!  Look at my 
skin!  You'd never believe that I was the same woman who starred in Basic 
Instinct a decade ago!  Go ahead!  Feel my face!"
  "I'll feel your face alright!  Ow!  You are hard as a rock!"
  "Yes!  Ha ha ha!  If you use it for long enough your skin will tighten up! 
  You won't feel any pain!  You won't feel anything!"
  "Really?  No wonder you are so sexually frustrated!"
  "What?  Oh no, no!  I don't use the cream down there!"
  "You don't?  Thanks for telling me!"
  "Ow!  You be-atch!  You're not supposed to hit below the belt!"
  "That's only when you are fighting men!  Now are you going to come along 
quietly or am I going to have to kill you and then whine to that cute 
detective over there that I'm not really a killer?"
  "No, I give up!  You win!"
  "Alright, Ms. Hedare!  You're under arrest for the murders of Dr. Ivan 
Slavicky and your husband, George.  Now, are you going to confess to these 
crimes or is the audience going to have to scratch their heads wondering why 
you don't just hire a good laywer to get you off?"
  "Yes, yes, I did it!"
  "And now that I've got you in cuffs I can have my way with you!"

  "Cut!  Rob, stay in character, please!"
  "Sorry!  It's just that, you know, putting my wife in hand cuffs and all!  
It's kinda kinky!"
  "It's okay.  In fact, that's a wrap!  We can edit out that last line!"
  "Alright!  So was this version better than Pitof's version?"
  "Much better!  But then, just about anything would have been!
  "But we didn't have Halle Berry!"
  "No, but Imelda looked great in her cat suit!"
  "You like?"
  "Uh, yeah!"
  "Maybe I wear this tonight, ha?"
  "Um, sure!"
  "And we can keep the cuffs?"
  "Yeah, Rob, you keep the cuffs.  In fact, why don't we end this issue 
right now before I have to make it an Acraphobe title!"

Deja Dude and Master Blaster created by me.
Sister State-the-Obvious created by Raymond "wReam" Bingham


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