[LNH2] LNH Europe 2020 #4 (of 4)
phippsmartin at hotmail.com
Sun Apr 25 07:09:46 PDT 2004
LNH Europe 2020 #4: Dorf Wars, Episode III, Part III
2020. The future. The Holi.dat Inn hotel conference room, The Hague,
It was the LNH that first delt with the Dorfs back in 1992. It was the
LNH that delt with the Dorfs when they attacked again ten years later. It
was in 2003 that an LNH delegation was sent to Yaboo to negotiate and sign a
peace treaty with the Dorfs (as was established off panel in The Team #50
--Footnote Woman). It was the Treaty of Yaboo that established the Net.ral
Zone, a area of space one parsec thick located midway between Looniearth and
the Dorfian homeworld which no ship from either planet was allowed to cross.
The treaty had been violated already by both sides. The most recent
violations were first by a Dorfian destroyer commanded by Boba LaRocque, one
that was destroyer in a matter of seconds by LNH Asia who then captured Boba
LaRocque and brought him to Looniearth, and second by a Dorfian diplomatic
envoy demanding that Boba LaRocque be turned over to them immediately.
As it was always the LNH that delt with the Dorfs in the past, it is the
LNH that was expected to deal with the Dorfs now. Once again, Ultimate
Ninja found himself in the awkward position of being expected to act as a
diplomat instead of as a warrier. As Boba LaRocque was being held in
Europe, he decided to let Hamster Man and his team do all the talking while
he stood back and observed.
"You realize that our presence here is a violation of the Treaty of Yaboo,
don't you?" Hamster Man asked.
"Frig the Treaty! The treaty hasn't been worth shite since your people
friggin' well violated the treaty to friggin' well retrieve one of your
Linguist Lass translated for Hamster Man. "He says we violated the treaty
when Deja Dude went to Dorf to retrieve his wife a few years ago."
Hamster Man nodded. "But surely you realize that if one of our people was
kidnapped here on Looniearth and brought to Dorf then it was your people who
violated the treaty first. Is that not right?"
"Frig you! I see your people friggin' well coming to Dorf to retrieve one
of your people and were coming here to do the same, but without friggin'
well killing anybody."
"He says that he disagrees, that the situation for them is the same as it
was for you in that he is coming here to retrieve one of their people."
"That's hardly true," Hamster Man argued. "Boba LaRocque is being accused
of destroying two cities on Looniearth with the ultimate goal of destroying
all life on Looniearth. Deja Dude's wife was not being held for trial. Nor
was she captured while on an apparent mission to attack Looniearth!"
"Deja Dude was friggin' well responsible for the deaths of thousands of
Dorfs back in your 2002!"
"He is complaining that Deja Dude killed thousands of Dorfs when the Dorfs
attacked back in 2002."
Hamster Man shook his head. "Surely the people of Looniearth have the
right to defend themselves against an enemy attack."
"So we're the friggin' enemy now, huh?"
"You were at the time, yes," Hamster Man argued, not waiting for the
"And now? Are we the friggin' enemy?"
Hamster Man looked to Linguist Lass but she couldn't quite get what the
Dorfian Ambassador was trying to say.
"I'm sorry. Could you rephrase the question?"
"Are you friggin' well going to turn Boba LaRocque over to us or not?"
Linguist Lass understood. "I think what he means is that we should hand
over Boba LaRocque as a gesture of goodwill."
"And what about the crimes he is accused of?"
"He will friggin' well face Dorfian justice!"
"And why didn't he face Dorfian justice three years ago when he commited
the crimes he is being accused of?"
"The Dorfian Empire does not recognize crimes commited outside of its
borders! As far as we are concerned, Boba LaRocque's only crime was that of
crossing the Net.ral Zone!"
"So you admit that Boba LaRocque did cross the Net.ral Zone in violation
of the Treaty of Yaboo!"
"Yes, of course, but he wasn't friggin' well authorized to do so, not on
any occasion. As is customary on Dorf, when one commits a crime he is
warned not to commit the same crime again. If he does then he faces our
justice! That is why we want Boba LaRocque returned to us! He cannot face
judgement at the hands of mere humans!"
Hamster Man nodded. "Just wait. We will discuss your offer." Hamster
Man and Linguist Lass stood up from the table and went over to where
Ultimate Ninja was standing.
"Did you hear?" Hamster Man asked Ultimate Ninja.
"How could I not? Dorfs practically scream when they talk!"
"What do you think?"
"I don't trust him?"
"What options do we have? The Treaty of Yaboo did not deal with how to
Ultimate Ninja nodded. "Tell him we will turn over Boba LaRocque to him
but we we do so on Dorf. We will then observe their justice first hand."
"Very well." Hamster Man and Linguist Lass went back to the table and
explained Ultimate Ninja's proposal. The Dorf screamed and swore and
threatened and insulted the two legionaires. Linguist Lass then stood up
and went back to speak to Ultimate Ninja. She had a smile on her face.
"He agrees to our proposal!" she said.
The next day, Master Blaster and Mother State-the-Obvious brought the
Millenium Eagle to the airport in the Hague. Ultimate Ninja brought
Linguist Lass, Deja Dude, Deja Dude II, Utraman, Moonfire and the Dorfian
ambassador to meet them.
"Rob, wReanna, this is the Dorfian Ambassador."
"Screw you!" the Dorfian Ambassador said, making a rude gesture at the
"Is the Millenium Eagle ready for a journey to the Dorfian Homeworld?"
"The Millenium Eagle is... but I don't know if I am," Master Blastrer
"Please, Rob," Ultimate Ninja said. "We need experienced people for this
"Alright," he said.
"Good." Ultimate Ninja addressed his team. "This is to be a diplomatic
mission. We are to bring Boba LaRocque to Dorf and then stay on Dorf to
witness him being put on trial by his own people. We will stay to confirm
that the trial was both fair and just and then we will return home. I don't
want to see a single Dorf killed on this mission, do you understand?"
Mother State-the-Obvious looked to see who Ultimate Ninja was bringing on
the mission: her husband, Master Blaster; Deja Dude; his on, Deja Dude II;
Utraman amd Moonfire. These five had killed more Dorfs than the rest of
humanity combined. "You are sending the wrong people for a strictly
diplomatic mission," she said.
Ultimate Ninja smiled. "I don't want a single Dorf killed... but I don't
trust them either. When we arrive on Dorf, they might turn on us. I want
people around me who can handle themselves."
"Handle themselves? They could lay waste to the planet!"
Ultimate Ninja nodded. "Which is exactly why they will leave us alone!"
Ultimate Ninja turned to speak to the Dorfian Ambassador. "Boba LaRocque
will be brought to Dorf aboard this ship which will follow your ship back to
Dorfian space. Do we have a deal?"
Ultimate Ninja smiled. He had spent enough time around Dorfs to
understand their speach patterns. "Good," he said. "We have a deal!"
NEXT, in LNH Asia 2020 #4, THE CONCLUSION!
LNH Europe created by Kevin Wilcox. Used with permision. Hamster Man,
Ultimate Ninja and Sister State-the-Obviousd created by Raymond "wReam"
Linguist Lass, Deja Dude, Master Blaster, Deja Dude II, Utraman, Moonfire,
Boba LaRocque and LNH Asia created by me.
The Team created by Jesse Willey. Footnote Girl created by Saxon Brenton.
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