[LNH2] LNH Europe #3

[Martin Phipps]

Martin Phipps


2020.  The future.  The Dorfian Homeworld.

  "Oh lowest of all lifeforms, the absolute friggin' scum of the Looniverse, 
you'd better pay attention to what I have to tell you!"
  "What is it, you worthless piece of cow dung?"  The Dorfian Emperor had, 
as usual, little tolerance for the formal ways in which Dorfs addressed one 
another.  He would prefer to have his lieutenants provide him with the 
necessary information without the usual insults.  Dorfian civilization had, 
however, developed this way for tens of thousands of years and even the 
Dorfian Emperor had to follow social norms.
  "A Dofrian Destroyer brought to Earth by the worthless Boba LaRocque has 
itself been destroyed by Looniearth defences!"
  "How many friggin' Dorfs were aboard?"
  "Six friggin' hundred.  Shall I issue a formal complaint, oh useless one?"
  "No," the Emperor decided.  "They died pointless, dishonourable deaths, as 
all Dorfs should when their time comes!  In recognition of the way Boba 
LaRocque sacraficed his life in an idiotic waste of time and resources, I 
hereby decree that a smear campaign will be launched in his dishonour!  All 
Dorfian children everywhere and for all for all time shall come to know the 
story of this most shameful of Dorfs!"
  "But, oh most moronic brainless one, Boba LaRocque is still alive!"
  "Alive?  How?"
  "Captured by the forces of Looniearth, you truly ignorant fool!  They plan 
to place him on trial for his crimes against them!"
  "This cannot be!  I will not stand to have a Dorf judged by humans!  Don't 
just friggin' stand there!  Send a diplomatic envoy to Looniearth at once!  
The humans will release Boba LaRocque into our custody immediately!"

                                                   LNH Europe 2020 #3: Dorf 
Wars, Episode III, Part I

Meanwhile, in the Hague, Net.ther.lan.s, back on Looniearth,

  Ultimate Ninja wasn't completely comfortable with his new 
responsibilities: with the revival of LNH Europe and the formation of LNH 
Asia, Ultimate Ninja had been called upon to be an international spokesman 
for the LNH.  The fact that he was the most recognized member of the LNH was 
all the more ironic seeing as how he still prefered to keep his face covered 
with a full face mask.
  "Welcome to Europe, Ultimate Ninja!" Hamster Man said.
  "Welcome to the Net.ther.lan.s!" Linguist Lass said.
  "Thank you but I've been here before.  For the Lagneto trial, remember?"  
Ultimate Ninja always was grouchy but he felt all the more on edge as a 
result of the trans-At.lan.tic flight.thingee flight.  He had a long ways to 
go to learn the art of diplomacy.  "Anyway, congratulations on the capture 
of Boba LaRocque!"
  "Actually, it was the work of LNH Asia," Hamster Man told him.  "We didn't 
really do anything."
  "But you were there in C.bu when Boba LaRocque was apprehended, weren't 
you?"
  "We were making a courtesy call on LNH Asia," Linguist Lass told him.
  "Just one of life's co-incidences, I suppose," Hamster Man said.
  "Or bad writing," Ultimate Ninja said.  During the three decades that he'd 
been a Legionaire, Ultimate Ninja had suffered through a lot of bad writing 
and realized that every co-incidence was, inevitably, mrely a convenient 
device designed to move the plot along from one arc to the next.  "Alright 
then.  Let's see the prisoner."
    Ultimate Ninja got into the limosine that had been driven right onto the 
airport runway to pick them up.  The driver took him, Hamster Man and 
Linguist Lass to the prison located on the other side of town.  Ultimate 
Ninja took the time to ask Linguist Lass about her husband, Browsing Boy, 
and their son, Linguist Lad and Hamster Man about his wife, Swiss Miss, and 
their daughter, Swiss Mouse.  He was also curious about how the newest 
members of LNH Europe, Demon Girl and Green were fitting in.  Luckliy, 
Hamster Man and Linguist Lass were both skilled conversationalists and were 
able to keep Ultimate Ninja occupied during the long drive.
  "We're here," Linguist Lass said as they drove up to the prison gates.  
Hamster Man rolled down the window and showed the guard his LNH credentials. 
  The guard opened the gate for them and waited for them to pass through 
before closing the gate behind them.
  Hamster Man and Linguist Lass brought Ultimate Ninja into the prison and 
to the area where he was to meet Boba LaRocque, a plain white room with a 
single chair in the middle.  Even though Boba LaRocque was in chains and was 
being forced to sit down, he was still considered dangerous, so Deja Dude II 
and Utraman were there, standing on either side of him, to make sure he 
didn't make any trouble.
  "So this is the man who destroyed Tinyville?" Ultimate Ninja said.  "He 
doesn't look like much."
  "He isn't much," Utraman said.  "He's a Dorf!"  Dorfs were never 
particularly well liked by humans but, after what happened a few years ago 
with Boba LaRocque and his men taking over Asteroid AOL and using as a 
staging area for their weapon of mass destruction, Dorfs were even less well 
liked than ever, if that was even possible.
  "I've seen enough!" Ultimate Ninja decided.  "Take him back to his cell!"
  "Alright, Boba, it's time to go back to bed!" Deja Dude II said.  He and 
Utraman helped Boba LaRocque stand up.   Without having anybody notice, Boba 
LaRocque managed to slip something into Utraman's pocket.
  "The Emperor won't friggin' well stand for this!" Boba LaRocque threatened 
as they escorted him out.  "He won't have one of his subjects judged by mere 
humans!"
  Ultimate Ninja looked to Linguist Lass for advice.  "What do you think?  
Can we expect any trouble from the Dorfs over this?"
  "Anythings's possible," she said.
  "But Boba LaRocque's presence in Looniearth's space was a clear violation 
of the treaty," Hamster Man argued.
  "I've always been waiting for the Dorfs to find some excuse to throw that 
treaty out the window!" Ultimate Ninja said.  "This might just be the 
opportunity they need."

  Later, that evening, at the Hague Holi.dat Inn, Utraman was taking off his 
costume and getting ready for bed when he noticed something peculiar in his 
pocket.
  "What's this?" he asked.  "A ring?"  He looked at it for a moment.  "Hmm.  
I don't remember putting this in my pocket.  I must have picked it up by 
mistake."  He was going to put it down on the night stand by the bed but 
then found that he couldn't.  "It doesn't look like gold.  It's red.  But it 
looks... precious.   I should... no.  No, I found it.  It's mine!"  He put 
it on his finger and his eyes began to glow red.  "Yes!  It's my ring!  
My... precious ring!"

  Meanwhile, Boba LaRocque was laughing in his cell.
  "Ha ha ha ha!  No doubt Utraman has found already the ring I gave him!  Ha 
ha ha ha!  That ring is made of red krypto.net!  Ha ha ha ha!  As soon as he 
touches it, red krypto.net will be absorbed into his skin and will start 
flowing through his bloodstream!  He will inevitably be drawn over to the 
dark side!  Ha ha ha ha!  And when he does fall, he will kill those he calls 
his friends!  Ha ha ha ha!  So even if these filthy humans execute me for my 
supposed crimes, I will still have my revenge!  Ha ha ha ha!"

TO BE CONTINUED in LNH Asia #3!

THEN, in LNH Europe #4, the Dorfs send a diplomatic envoy to Looniearth... 
but isn't "Dorf" and "diplomat" a contradiction in terms?

CREDITS

LNH Europe and Swiss Miss created by Kevin Wilcox.  Used with permision.  
Hamster Man and Ultimate Ninja created by wReam.

Demon Girl and Green created by Lalo Martins.  Used (barely) with 
permission.

Linguit Lass, Linguist Lad, Swiss Mouse, Deja Dude II, Utraman, Boba 
LaRocque and LNH Asia created by me.

Martin

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