SF: Univesal Solvents #23 (2/2)

[swede at garywolson.com]

(continued from part one, preceding...)

                                -~-_-

     Gham fidgeted in her loose plum-colored robes, and tried hard to
look janitorial as three soldier-monks stomped past.  Beside her,
Jerriphrrt, also wearing the plum-colored robes that meant that he was
a janitorial monk, pushed a mop in loose circles on the tile floor.
The soldiers gave them a glance, but no followup.  She let out her
breath.
     "Where's Benjen?" she asked.  "He should have been back by now."
     "Dunno," Jerriphrrt answered.  "It's not like there's a lot of
personnel in here right now."
     It had not taken their group long to reach the Daaksvong complex
where Toni had indicated they should go to find Sark Flyby and conduct
generally disruptive activities.  The underpopulated current state of
the complex made it easy for them to reach a janitorial alcove and
assume convenient disguises.  Benjen had taken the opportunity to log
into a workstation, after hacking past its relatively primitive
firewall, and had quickly determined that the complex was on alert
because a prisoner had escaped, and was low on Soldier Monks because
most were out chasing after him.  At the same time, the names of two
other prisoners had caught his eye, and he and the three marines
immediately headed for the cell blocks.  Gham and Jerriphrrt had been
left behind to keep an eye out for returning soldiers.
     "Do you suppose--" Jerriphrrt started.
     "There he is!" Gham interrupted.  A set of double doors slid
open, admitting the plum-robed Benjen and the three plum-robed Space
Marines.  Her heart fell when she saw no one else was with them.  Her
eyebrow raised when she saw that Benjen was carrying what looked like
a wetvac.
     "They weren't there," said Benjen.  "At least, not by the time we
got there.  But we saw what happened on the video playback."
     "Then---"
     "Slithis and Shadebeam are somewhere else," Benjen confirmed.
"They were in the cell, talking about something or other--"
     The Marines started sniggering.
     "--and then they started going at it."
     "Um," said Jerriphrrt.  "Point of clarification.  'Going at it?'"
     "Bow-chikka-bow-ow," Benjen replied, his tone deadpan.  "Up until
the end, where the light emerged from this..."  He held up the wetvac.
"...and they disappeared into it."
     "Er," Gham said.  "They're not..."
     "It's not really a wetvac," Benjen told them.  "In fact, it
didn't turn into a wetvac until well after they disappeared.  Before
that, it was an ABPSARI--the one Doctor Von Spleen was using when he,
Sajon, Shadebeam, and that TH1K1 robot showed up on Shoon-Ma's ship.
The upshot is... wherever they are now, they're out of this
storyline."
     Everyone paused to think of their comrades, stopping only when
they threatened to turn green with envy.
     "Why did it take so long to review the video?" Gham asked.
     "It didn't," said Benjen.  "It took that long to figure out how
to get their DVD burner going."  He held up a disc.  Jerriphrrt
grinned, and Gham swatted the back of his head.
     "We also got schematics for the entire complex," one of the Space
Marines, whose name tag said he was 'Corporal Rhedshart,' added.
"Everything seems centralized on a massive teapot in a central chamber
one floor down."
     "Er," said Gham.  "Teapot?"
     "I just read 'em, ma'am," the marine replied.
     "Right," Gham said with a sigh.  "Let's go see what we can screw
with."
     "Now there's a battle cry I can get behind," said Jerriphrrt.
     The trek to the central chamber was, to Gham, surprisingly
uneventful.  The complex seemed nearly deserted, and they had only had
to hide once, when a group of Kitchen Monks wheeled a sandwich trolley
past.  Soon, they were at an open doorway, where they beheld the inner
workings of the monks' lair.
     "Geez," whispered Benjen.  "They're putting away the sandwiches,
ain't they?"
     Indeed, the monks in the room were tucking into the sandwiches on
the trolley as if they were starving.  For all Gham knew, they had
been; they had probably been so focused on the upcoming apocalyptic
prophesied confrontation between Champions that they had forgotten
lunch.  She quickly picked out Sark Flyby (as described to her by Toni
Williams) from the group—the grey-skinned gnome's facial resemblance
to Freddie Prinze Jr. was as remarkable as his ability to polish off a
large portion of a ham-on-rye in seconds.
     Her eye then went to the one person in the room who was not
momentarily obsessed with food--if only because he was chained to a
mammoth teapot, out of reach of the sandwiches.  He was pressing his
fingers against several pieces of dangling cardboard.
     "Isn't that Bagelos, the Space Villain?" Jerriphrrt asked.
     "The same," Gham said.  "I wonder how he got roped into all
this."
     "Doesn't look like a willing participant," Benjen observed.
"Right, so what chaos shall we sew?"
     "None," a voice from behind them answered.
     "I think that's a counterproductive suggestion," said Jerriphrrt.
"What if we just ran in, waved the wetvac around, and yelled
incoherently?"
     "We'd shoot you," the voice replied.
     "You'd... what?" Gham asked.  She looked over her shoulder, and
saw that the three Space Marines who she had thought were behind her,
Jerriphrrt, and Benjen were no longer there.  Instead, six Soldier
Monks, each armed with mean-looking laser pistols, were in their
place.  The monk that had spoken grinned in an un-monk-like way.
     Gham put her hands up and entered the chamber, followed by her
companions.  The sandwich-eating monks looked up with no apparent
surprise.
     "Ah," said Sark.  "There you are.  I was wondering when you would
get here."
     "You knew we were here?" Jerriphrrt asked.
     Sark nodded.  "Yes.  Sadly, we're a bit short on personnel at the
moment, so we had to wait for you to come to us."  He paused.  "So,
what do you think of our operation?"
     "Aside from the way you wait for both prisoners and sandwiches to
come to you?" Benjen asked.  "It's certainly... competent."  He looked
around.  "What *is* it, anyway?"
     "Our captive, here," said Sark, "is re-asserting his control over
the cosmic-power-streaming process.  Which will allow us to reassume
control of Zark Flyby.  I *assume* that that is something you *don't*
want to disrupt, yes?"
     "Actually, yes," said Benjen.  Jerriphrrt and Gham gave him
strange looks.  "What?" Benjen asked.  "Toni said to disrupt whatever
he was---"
     "I, Bagelos, believe that I, Bagelos, have located him!" declared
Bagelos, startling everyone present and causing Sark to fumble the
sandwich he was holding.  Gham frowned as Bagelos continued to
manipulate the pieces of cardboard that were attached to the machine
that resembled a massive teapot.  To judge from the attitude of the
soldier monks, Bagelos was also a prisoner, though he seemed quite
unperturbed by this fact.  "Behold!" Bagelos declared.  "The video
screen!"
     They beheld the video screen.  It was having a difficult time
showing a clear picture of Zark Flyby, owing to the amount of bright
light and energy Zark was exuding.  There were two people in front of
Zark, one wearing a carrot-based outfit, the other appearing clad in
sticky fruit roll-ups.  Gham thought she recognized one of them.
     "That's Sajon, right?" Gham asked, indicating the cowering,
carrot-clad man.
     "Looks like," Benjen.  "And that's Doctor Bing Von Spleen.  I was
wondering if we'd see him again.  You know Shoon-Ma wanted him to
experiment on me to make his cosmic power pill?"
     "You covered that in the briefly summarized exposition two scenes
ago," Jerriphrrt reminded him.
     "Oh, yeah."
     "Well, villain?" asked Sark.  "Can you draw down Zark's power
now?"
     "I, Bagelos, cannot," Bagelos admitted.  "He has too closely
merged his consciousness with the cosmic energies.  Unless something
occurs to jar him from that identification..."
     "Hmm," said Jerriphrrt.  "Does this mean we can go now?"
     "No," Sark answered.
     "Aw."

                                -~-_-

     For a world at the center of violent cosmic melodrama, Ronald
Hastings thought, it certainly seemed peaceful.  The forest was
immense and not too difficult to traverse, the air slightly crisp
without being too cool.  There were a fair number of uprooted trees
lying about, he noted, which indicated that it had not always been
peaceful.
     Norman, who was hiking next to him, seemed a little winded by the
trek.  He was trying to hide it as best he could, though, helping
Kissy avoid muddy areas and over tree trunks.  Kissy, for her part,
rewarded his help with snide comments and imperious indifference,
showing a professionalism Ronald admired.
     "This has been some Senior Project, hasn't it?" Ronald asked.
     "If I'd known it would be this tough," said Norman, "I'd've built
a diorama of alien foreheads from the various Trek series."
     "Again?" Ronald asked.
     "It got me a passing grade in Exo-Anthropology 332," Norman
noted.  "I just wish... nah, nevermind."
     "What?" asked Kissy, who slowed to fall in between them.
     "My last heroic charge," said Norman, "didn't end up all that
heroic."
     Kissy sighed.  "It's hard to be heroic with a veteran around,"
she said, gesturing at Toni Williams, who was leading their group.
"But if it's any consolation, I think the way you charged that
Arachno-Newton was foolhardy, insanely suicidal, and shows you're
either very brave or have severe brain damage.  In other words, you're
a natural for being a Space Hero."
     "Thanks!" Norman replied, seeming pleased.  He considered Toni.
"Hey, Ronald, you ever get a chance to talk to her about... old
times?"
     Ronald winced.  He had hoped Norman had more sense than to bring
that up.
     "Oh, right, the crush," said Kissy.  "She said she didn't
remember you when we met her in the Nega-Cell.  And you didn't talk
much to her after we escaped to Mydrus."
     Ronald shrugged.  "No reason she should remember me.  We were
kids."  He opened his mouth to say something else, something along the
lines of 'now would you shut up on this topic before I do something
extremely unheroic to the both of you with a tree branch.'  But before
he could, a blast of brilliant yellow and white energy sheared through
the trees above and all around them.
     "Down!" Norman exclaimed, tackling Kissy as severed tree trunks
rained all around them.  Ronald tripped over them and rolled on the
mossy ground.  Trees thundered down for a few moments more, then
silence returned to the forest.
     "What... was that?" one of the Space Marines asked.
     "There!" Toni exclaimed.  "It came from that clearing!"  She
immediately demonstrated her own traits of bravery, foolhardiness, and
possible brain trauma by charging toward said clearing.  The Space
Marines followed, after a moment's hesitation and another moment's
well-contained freaking out.
     "Get off me, you oaf!" Kissy exclaimed.  Norman stood, then
helped Kissy up.  Ronald struggled to his feet on his own.  Something
seemed to be happening between Norman and Kissy, he thought.  The sort
of sparks between a Hero and an Ingenue that were known to endanger
galaxies.  Though Ronald had kissed Kissy not too long ago, there had
been no such sparks between them.  Perhaps, he thought, because his
mind was on someone else.
     Then Norman took a deep breath, puffed up his chest as heroically
as possible, and ran after Toni and the Marines.  Ronald ran after
him, determined not to look less heroic than Norman.  Kissy ran next
to him, weird little noises escaping her lips.  Ronald realized she
was priming her voice for some massive screaming.
     Soon, they burst into what could have charitably been called a
clearing.  Chunks of tree, ground, and foliage were everywhere.  Dust
and dirt were settling.  Ronald and Kissy had to come to a sharp stop
to avoid running into Toni, Norman, and the Space Marines.
     "What's going on?" Ronald asked, as he peered over Toni's
shoulder.
     "Zark!" Toni exclaimed, ignoring and answering Ronald at the same
time.  "How are you today?"
     To Ronald, it seemed an odd question to ask of the large, cosmic-
power-exuding biped--whom Ronald barely recognized as the Time Police
Commandant who had given him the files on the 'missing' Toni Williams
so many episodes ago--just ten yards away.  Confusion gave way to
understanding as he saw Zark's face screw up with intense
concentration as he tried to figure out the right answer.
     Before Zark were two guys Ronald remembered from his time on
Freedonia Five--Doctor Bing Von Spleen and Sajon.  Like Norman, they
were clad in theoretically edible garments, though Ronald strongly
doubted any appetites in the vicinity were desperate enough to take a
bite.  He remembered what Benjen had said about Sajon supposedly being
Shoon-Ma's Chosen One and/or Champion, and how his prophesized
confrontation with Zeta Ricola Beta's Champion and/or Chosen One (aka
Zark) would lead to universe-wide cosmic carnage.  Sajon was hardly
looking cosmic at the moment, though.  Perhaps the situation could yet
be salvaged.
     "Von Spleen," said Toni.  "And you, other guy.  Get over here
while he's trying to---"
     "I AM HAVING A VIOLENT DAY," Zark said.  He seemed pleased with
his answer.  "I AWAIT SHOON-MA'S CHOSEN ONE, SO THAT I CAN BE VIOLENT
AT HIM."
     "Speaking of floaty things," muttered Sajon, "where did TH1K1
go?"
     Ronald decided that, if he was going to save the universe and get
an A on his Senior Project, he would have to tap his Inner Kirk and
step up.
     "That's a logical inconsistency, Zark!" he declared.  "You can't
be having a violent day if you're waiting to be violent!"
     "Yeah!" Norman added.  "So you have to self-destruct now!"
     Toni groaned.  But Zark seemed to be seriously considering their
words.
     "KILL," said Zark.  His eyes flashed, and the ground in front of
them erupted.  Ronald went flying back into the woods.  Kissy
screamed, causing everyone, including Zark, to wince.
     "You can't kill!" Sajon insisted.  "I'm not Shoon-Ma's Champion
yet, and I won't be until I consume Doctor Von Spleen's pink pill,
which is now permanently and forever lost in the forest!"
     "Hello!" a new voice called.  "I think I found it."
     A four-foot tall buglike biped with feelers, tentacles, antennae,
and a well-polished harmonica emerged from the undergrowth, carrying a
pink pill with one of phis feelers.  Sajon appeared flummoxed.  Von
Spleen was dumbfounded.  Kissy screamed.  Toni slapped her forehead.
     "Quooth," said Von Spleen, identifying the alien Wzaxtil.  Ronald
remembered phim also from Freedonia 5.  "What the hell are you---"
     "I escaped Daaksvong to find you," Quooth interrupted, phis
tentacles quivering.  "I received a warning from friends Shadebeam and
Slithis, just before they left this altiverse.  You, friend Sajon,
must not consume this pill!  It is the only way to prevent universal
apocalypse!"
     "Well, then," said Toni, as she essayed a few steps closer.
Ronald remembered reading that she had psi powers, and wondered if she
was planning to use them--though she had gotten along very well
without them while battling the Arachno-Newtons.  "Thank goodness you
found it so that he could be tempted."
     "You're welcome, friend Toni!" replied Quooth, master of not
perceiving sarcasm.  "Here you are, friend Sajon!"  Phe placed the
pill in Sajon's unresisting hand.  "I am so glad I arrived in time to
give you this warning!"
     "Well... then," said Sajon, eyeing the pill with trepidation.  He
then looked at Zark, then at Von Spleen, then at the forest beyond.
The fact that so little of the forest was visible in the crowd
surrounding Sajon, and so much of Zark was all but in his face, seemed
to Ronald to be weighing heavily on him.
     "Sajon..." said Von Spleen.  "My apprentice.  My assistant.
My... friend..."
     "No way, Doc," said Sajon.  "I'd rather... whumff!"
     For such a scrawny, clean-complexioned guy, Ronald thought, Von
Spleen could *move.*  Von Spleen's swung his hand in such a way that
it caught the back of Sajon's hand, causing the pill that had been in
the palm of said hand to fly directly toward Sajon's mouth.  There had
been stories... nay, legends... of Von Spleen's prowess at the
drinking game of quarters, but as the pill shot into Sajon's mouth,
Ronald had to admit there was something to his ability to bank a shot
just right.
     Space warped.  Space shook.  Space did the lambada, which was
forbidden.  Ronald felt his insides go jelly-like for a second before
solidity returned.  Before anyone could comment, Von Spleen followed
up his slap with a punch to Sajon's gut.
     The pill flew out, glistening with Sajon's saliva.  Von Spleen
reached for where it would be--
     --and closed his fingers on empty air, as the pill deflected off
of Ronald's fingertips.
     "Needlewarp!" both Von Spleen and Ronald exclaimed.
     "I've got it!" Toni yelled, only to miss as Sajon lunged after
the pill and deflected it off of his fingertips.  Quooth tried to
catch it with his feelers, succeeding in only knocking it aside--
     "KI--" Zark started to bellow, only to gag a bit as the pill flew
directly into his mouth.  Everyone watched, aghast, as Zark swallowed
it.
     A hush fell over the forest.
     The angry glow that had been rising from Zark grew more intense,
and was soon joined by odd bolts of lighting and a massive rumbling
from deep within Zark that, Ronald guessed, was not merely a cosmic
burrito on its way to backfiring.
     *KILL.*
     The word rang in their minds, while Zark's grin grew broader and
more portentous.
     "Well," said Von Spleen, "that's the last time I try *that.*"

WILL VON SPLEEN TRY *THAT* AGAIN?
WHAT DID HE HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH WITH *THAT*, ANYWAY?
WILL JERRIPHRRT AND HIS TEAM FIND A WAY TO INTERVENE?
WILL THEY GET TASTY SANDWICHES?
WILL SHOON-MA GET HIS REVENGE?
WILL LUCKY GET CATNIP?
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE _CHALLENGER III,_ ANYWAY?

Find out, we hope, in the next plausibility-rupturing episode of
Universal Solvents, a SFSTORY production on the SUPERGUY mailing list.

Why won't they look?
--
Copyright (c) 2011 Gary W. Olson, All Rights Reserved.
--
Gary W. Olson      swede at garywolson dot com
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